Deployment break-up. Could use some insight!

[cpaige]

Hi everyone. My situation is a little different because my ex-boyfriend (ugh, still not used to that) is currently deployed to Afghanistan. I know this is a completely different game, and it might get long, but I would appreciate any opinions or thoughts.

 

 

He left in March and will be returning home at the end of the year. I'm 21, he's about to be 25. We were together for 9 months before he deployed. No serious problems. We both felt like we had found "the one". He had major trust issues. He had one serious girlfriend before me, and it was his high-school girlfriend that cheated on him and basically broke his heart. That relationship ended four years before we met. He dated in those four years but never fell in love. Everything changed when we met. We broke through the trust issues he had and he says he trusts me completely. He brought up marriage and always talked about our future together. Said he "never thought he would feel this way about anyone again." We have similar interests and are involved with each others families. And, if it matters, we have a ridiculous physical attraction. I've never been so attracted to anyone and I know he is very attracted to me, too. I also lost my virginity to him. My point is that he is very special to me and I'm positive that I am special to him, too.

 

So, we went into this deployment with complete confidence. Looking back, it was silly and naive. This is his first deployment so neither one of us have any idea what we're doing. We didn't really discuss how we would handle any issues, we just knew we would be okay. Thinking about how crazy we were for each other and how secure we felt when he left and then thinking about where we are now breaks my heart.

 

Things started off really great. He has personal internet at his base so we were able to have a phone call and email everyday. He always told me that I was his "escape" from being there. I sent him care packages, emailed him every-night with details about my day (because he loved that), and I genuinely felt that we were happy, given the circumstances.

 

At the beginning of June he went on a two-day mission. Not sure what happened on the mission but when he returned he was just... different. He started calling less and wasn't responding to my emails, even though I saw he was online. I'm not saying I expected him to talk to me all the time, or respond to my emails immediately, I'm just saying that there was an instant change in his behavior. I brought it up after about a week and just said that I noticed he was acting differently. He said he felt weird. He said he felt "disconnected", like he was trying to live two lives at once. He said he felt like maybe he should "detach himself completely and get done with deployment because that would be easier." I was completely thrown off because just THE WEEK BEFORE he was saying that we were doing so good together, that he can't wait to start our life together, etc. At that time, he said he knew these problems were "normal" during deployment and he still wanted to be with me. So basically I thought he was just stressed. I got this idea that if I was just really positive and acted liked I acted when everything was normal and good, he would "snap out of it." So that's what I did. Sometimes it seemed like it was working, like every now and then I would see a glimpse of the "real" him, but mostly things were just off. He wasn't being affectionate anymore and it freaked me out. He seemed really depressed and distant. So basically we just got into this awful cycle. I thought I was being positive by sending him happy emails, but I was just being needy by wanting attention and initiating contact all the time because I could feel him slipping away and he picked up on that. It even got to the point where I would send him emails asking him to call me, which I KNOW pushed him away. I'm mad at myself but I know I can't change it now July fourth weekend he told me that he wanted to take a "break" and "see where were standing when he comes home."' Says he knows he wants to be with me, but he can't have a relationship right now. I feel like the ultimate reason for him actually ending things is because I got needy, he felt like he wasn't making me happy anymore, and he can't focus on me because he needs to focus on his job.

 

When he broke it off I cried, asked him if we can try and work it out, all the typical stuff. He made it clear that even though he loves me, he can't give me a relationship right now. So, since then I have went NC. I don't really know how we got here. Of course I want him to focus on his job, that's the most important thing. I guess I just had it in my head that when things were good between us, this wasn't a problem. But since things aren't good right now, the last thing I told him was that I agree his decision is for the best right now, even though it hurts. We said I love you and I'll miss you. He said he'll keep in touch. Last Wednesday (Two-weeks into NC) he emailed me and said "I really hope you're doing good. I'm fine, just been very busy. I just wanted to check-in. Don't feel like you have to write me back. Talk to you later." I responded, "I'm glad you're doing good and everything is going your way. It's good to hear from you, thanks for checking in."

 

I do think that I lost myself in the relationship and I could benefit from some time apart, so I'm trying to be positive and just focus on me. But I guess what I'm asking is, do any of you have any advice as to how I should handle this situation? Am I doing the right thing by never initiating contact? It makes me so sad to think about him out there, lonely, and I've just dropped off the fact of the Earth. But that's what he wanted, right? Anyway, I really appreciate you reading this and I'lll read everything with an open mind. Thanks

[SoleMate]

Extended separations of any sort are a trial for most couples, and deployment to Afghanistan and all the warzone stress would be a worst case example. It's impossible to know for sure what's going on, so I would take him at his word that he needs to focus on the job and can't offer you a relationship.

 

NC is designed to reduce the stress and pain on you. If occasional short checkins (once every 1-2 weeks) makes you feel overall better, then it's OK. OTOH, if you find every brief contact is just another bandaid rip of pointless pain, well then, that's where NC is advised.

 

So sorry you are going through this. I know it hurts.