lessica Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 Just curious if anyone thinks there are exceptions? Not for my own situation. But for advising others? Link to post Share on other sites
EmmaB Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 False, I love my boyfriend to the moon and back, but he wants children in the future and I despise kids... To me, if he needs to add something into our relationship then he can't love me as much as I love him as he obviously doesn't feel complete with just me... So It is because I love him so desperately that I will soon have to let him go:( 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 Sure, you can love someone and not be ready for anything. You can love someone but love the thought of sleeping around even more. And there are tons of other examples. Love does not equal commitment. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lessica Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 I am so sorry emmab, that is really hard. But puts a great perspective on it. Good point about the elements of 'love' that effect things. So do you think it is perhaps not complete to keep telling people "they left you so they don't love you" and then convincing them that their ex's don't mean it when they said they loved them. It is just I noticed everyone saying that. period. And I thought, okay, logical, and starting saying the same to people. But maybe it is to hasty to do so... and making people feel like they were unloved. Isn't this damaging in some way? I get it is helpful for them to let go, but maybe it should be more "maybe they loved you, but you need to accept what happened", rather than "they didn't love you, or they would still be with you". Major blow to the self esteem if perhaps it isn't necessary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EmmaB Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I dont think that anyone apart for the two people who were involved in the relationship can truly decide whether the love was a lie... But, maybe when someone is clinging to the notion that their ex loves them and won't move on, then perhaps it's a nasty thing to say that will help them get on with their lives for the long-term... Yeah, it is hard I will admit to delaying the inevitable as long as I can, I know it's selfish, but I have never been selfish in a relationship before but I just am not ready to say goodbye just yet 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 Forget the "words" love or I love you. Instead focus on their ACTIONS.. Actions of my ex were the determining factor, not her words. She always told me she loved me, regreted breaking up with me, then did it again and again. Our final day together, she and i made plans for vacation. I joked on the phone that she was going to kick me to the curb again. She told me I was stuck with her and us quitting wasn't an option. I went to her house for dinner that night. She put her arms around me and told me she loved me. An hour later, her mood changed when I annoyed her. I told her I was tired of her being snappy or grouchy with me all the time when she was tired, stressed or in a bad mood. She said she was "done" with us... So much for how different her words vs. her action was. Yes, I think people can break up with someone they love in the heat of an argument or fight. I think the true test if they do love you is they call the next day or within a week to fix it. When they end it and make no attempt to contact you, that's a pretty strong signal that they were not that in love with you due to them risking losing you for good if you met someone else. I know when I'm in love, the last thing I'd want to do is break up with my girl and risk her meeting and sleeping wtih someone else and potentially losing he forever.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lessica Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 Forget the "words" love or I love you. Instead focus on their ACTIONS.. Actions of my ex were the determining factor, not her words. She always told me she loved me, regreted breaking up with me, then did it again and again. Our final day together, she and i made plans for vacation. I joked on the phone that she was going to kick me to the curb again. She told me I was stuck with her and us quitting wasn't an option. I went to her house for dinner that night. She put her arms around me and told me she loved me. An hour later, her mood changed when I annoyed her. I told her I was tired of her being snappy or grouchy with me all the time when she was tired, stressed or in a bad mood. She said she was "done" with us... So much for how different her words vs. her action was. Yes, I think people can break up with someone they love in the heat of an argument or fight. I think the true test if they do love you is they call the next day or within a week to fix it. When they end it and make no attempt to contact you, that's a pretty strong signal that they were not that in love with you due to them risking losing you for good if you met someone else. I know when I'm in love, the last thing I'd want to do is break up with my girl and risk her meeting and sleeping with someone else and potentially losing he forever.. This rings very true. Actions do usually say it all. Perhaps, though, a person is not capable/doesn't understand love/they changed, would it be a good idea to bring this up to people. "They may have loved you but changed" or "they may have not understood love in the way you understood it" "they may be lost, and not capable of love" That way the actions, and what they mean must still be accepted, but in a way less damaging to the dumpee. They could still move on, and be all the wiser to the possibilities in life next time around? Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 What many people fail to acknowledge is that love isn't a binary (i.e. on vs off) force. It's a continuum, between negative infinity (undying hate) and positive inifinty (undying unconditional) love. Note: In theory. I haven't seen actual undying unconditional love, I find it hard to believe that this exists. Same thing for hate. But it certainly isn't love/indifference/hate only. I loved my ex, but I loved this new girl even more, so I had to leave my ex and hurt her very much, didn't like it, but I had to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lessica Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 And they might find it easier to stomach, therefore move on. Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I absolutely agree. Love and actions don't necessarily go hand in hand. When I decided not to speak to my ex girlfriend for three weeks I still loved her to death but my actions didnt show that to her, to her I "disappeared" on her leaving her with no choice but to move on. What I lacked her was communication, I could have possibly saved us both a ton of grief or maybe not who really knows. However, part of me inadvertently started the process of moving on and it was great for the first few weeks after the break up until I finally realized what I've gotten myself into. She said to me "I realized that I don't make you happy anymore and in return that does not make me happy." I viewed that as a cop out then and still to this age but there isn't anything further I can do to have questions answered but move on. You may love a person to death yet do very hurtful things to them and viceversa. Sometimes it take more than love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lessica Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 What many people fail to acknowledge is that love isn't a binary (i.e. on vs off) force. It's a continuum, between negative infinity (undying hate) and positive inifinty (undying unconditional) love. Note: In theory. I haven't seen actual undying unconditional love, I find it hard to believe that this exists. Same thing for hate. But it certainly isn't love/indifference/hate only. I loved my ex, but I loved this new girl even more, so I had to leave my ex and hurt her very much, didn't like it, but I had to do it. This makes a lot of sense. I was just thinking back to my phil papers at uni, and I just find it a bit unsettling that we make these statements about love with such conviction- that are pretty hurtful to others, and it's done right when people are at their lowest. It seems to be a rule that has caught on with everyone in these theories- like I said, I started doing it. But surely putting it in a realistic, yet less damaging way, could speed up the healing process, and save the self esteem. Like for instance, if your ex had come on here and we said "part of life is that people change, feelings aren't fixed, instances have different effects on different people, it is no ones fault, it is just a reality, so we must accept and move on" , that might have gone down better than "he left you therefore doesn't/never did love you" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lessica Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 I absolutely agree. Love and actions don't necessarily go hand in hand. When I decided not to speak to my ex girlfriend for three weeks I still loved her to death but my actions didnt show that to her, to her I "disappeared" on her leaving her with no choice but to move on. What I lacked her was communication, I could have possibly saved us both a ton of grief or maybe not who really knows. However, part of me inadvertently started the process of moving on and it was great for the first few weeks after the break up until I finally realized what I've gotten myself into. She said to me "I realized that I don't make you happy anymore and in return that does not make me happy." I viewed that as a cop out then and still to this age but there isn't anything further I can do to have questions answered but move on. You may love a person to death yet do very hurtful things to them and viceversa. Sometimes it take more than love. See this is what I think is especially important to let people know. It is understanding an accepting, and letting go. But to let go, and not second guess so much down the line following the advice "go nc, they don't love you, they aren't worth it" is just, in my opinion, completely lacking the understanding that really helps with truly moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 See this is what I think is especially important to let people know. It is understanding an accepting, and letting go. But to let go, and not second guess so much down the line following the advice "go nc, they don't love you, they aren't worth it" is just, in my opinion, completely lacking the understanding that really helps with truly moving on. I personally believe that adding hate to the moving on process is extremely detrimental and hinders your healing. Saying things such as "she used me" or "she never loved me" and so on only adds another load of work as you now have to use your energy towards "hating" this person. As stated previously, love and pain can't be turned "on/off" although we wish at times that was the case. When someone tells you they no longer want to be with you is painful for them as well possible not as painful to them as it is to you since you are on the receiving end and were not prepared for this ambush at all but it hurts nonetheless. I don't think I've ever hated anyone in my entire life but with my ex it feels a little different I can probably admit that I am extremely angry at her for many reason that are no longer relevant but I can't honestly say that I hate her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lessica Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 I personally believe that adding hate to the moving on process is extremely detrimental and hinders your healing. Saying things such as "she used me" or "she never loved me" and so on only adds another load of work as you now have to use your energy towards "hating" this person. As stated previously, love and pain can't be turned "on/off" although we wish at times that was the case. When someone tells you they no longer want to be with you is painful for them as well possible not as painful to them as it is to you since you are on the receiving end and were not prepared for this ambush at all but it hurts nonetheless. I don't think I've ever hated anyone in my entire life but with my ex it feels a little different I can probably admit that I am extremely angry at her for many reason that are no longer relevant but I can't honestly say that I hate her. I think this is very thoughtful, made me think of love/hate in reference to semantics too, very interesting. I love it- in a loving thoughts type 'love' way. I think I am going to make a big effort to be thoughtful, and encourage understanding when answering posts. I am glad I stopped and questioned this- or I would have ended up being very cynical and blunt in my answers. JDPT- you are best, I would not feel as good as I do now if it weren't for your thoughtful, intelligent posts. Thank you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I think this is very thoughtful, made me think of love/hate in reference to semantics too, very interesting. I love it- in a loving thoughts type 'love' way. I think I am going to make a big effort to be thoughtful, and encourage understanding when answering posts. I am glad I stopped and questioned this- or I would have ended up being very cynical and blunt in my answers. JDPT- you are best, I would not feel as good as I do now if it weren't for your thoughtful, intelligent posts. Thank you! Hate is one of those feelings that I rather not indulge in with regards to breakups simply because it would never give me the opportunity to rest and heal, now I would be busy with trying to keep up with someone else's life completly neglecting my own. The same applies to snooping around and wanting to know what you ex is up to, it's as if you continuously keep pickin a scab never allowing it to properly heal. We are all on the same boat and here for each other Lessica. I just wish I could internalize my own suggestions and apply them just a bit more to my current situation, I would be a much happier man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tinker683 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I think the statement needs to be revised too "If they really want the relationship to work and you two are compatible, they won't leave" But that's me 4 Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I think the statement needs to be revised too "If they really want the relationship to work and you two are compatible, they won't leave" But that's me And nothing is guaranteed in life nothing is 100% people change, feelings change. We all will like to have the "ideal" relationship but sadly that's not the case hence why we need to deal with breakups and heartaches. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
amkxoxo Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I am in a sticky situation with a guy currently and we have since separated. Many have told me they think he actually likes me a lot and could even love me. But at this point in his life he cannot be with me because he has a lot on his plate. He told me he thinks we can be together in the future and it would definitely work out since he has more of his life together. Sometimes timing is all it takes. You could love someone and not be with them but 5 years down the road you still love them and you reunite. I'm hoping for that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lessica Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 I am in a sticky situation with a guy currently and we have since separated. Many have told me they think he actually likes me a lot and could even love me. But at this point in his life he cannot be with me because he has a lot on his plate. He told me he thinks we can be together in the future and it would definitely work out since he has more of his life together. Sometimes timing is all it takes. You could love someone and not be with them but 5 years down the road you still love them and you reunite. I'm hoping for that. Timing, I think, is a big factor. Link to post Share on other sites
xilver Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I hope my ex doesn't come on here and get that kind of advice. I love her very much but I am not about to stick around in an abusive relationship. She has major trust issues and no matter how good of a time we are having she will find a way to mess things up suggesting I should flirt with a girl or that I am seeing another girl. I deny but it does nothing for her. Then I end up leaving and ignoring her but it is too frustrating and her concern turns to anger. The more this stuff happens the more it pushes me away. I need breathing room. It puts me on edge. Is it really worth it to love and stay with someone who is always going to treat me this way. Then by me staying away it makes it worse for her. Less sex, less dates and all the other things that would indicate to someone that you love them. I can imagine her coming on here and telling you guys how how all this and getting reassurance that if a guy loved you he would pursue you, want to sleep with you all the time and blah blah blah. Then you would tell her don't contact him whatever you do. In the meantime she is probably crying her eyes out because she thinks the love was one sided and doesn't even know why I am not contacting her. What she should be doing is getting to the root of the problem with her insecurity and stop trying to blame me for something I didn't do. If she could do that I would take her back in a sec. But she won't because she thinks I never loved her if I can leave her so easily. Link to post Share on other sites
Leegh Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 Forget the "words" love or I love you. Instead focus on their ACTIONS.. Actions of my ex were the determining factor, not her words. She always told me she loved me, regreted breaking up with me, then did it again and again. Our final day together, she and i made plans for vacation. I joked on the phone that she was going to kick me to the curb again. She told me I was stuck with her and us quitting wasn't an option. I went to her house for dinner that night. She put her arms around me and told me she loved me. An hour later, her mood changed when I annoyed her. I told her I was tired of her being snappy or grouchy with me all the time when she was tired, stressed or in a bad mood. She said she was "done" with us... So much for how different her words vs. her action was. Yes, I think people can break up with someone they love in the heat of an argument or fight. I think the true test if they do love you is they call the next day or within a week to fix it. When they end it and make no attempt to contact you, that's a pretty strong signal that they were not that in love with you due to them risking losing you for good if you met someone else. I know when I'm in love, the last thing I'd want to do is break up with my girl and risk her meeting and sleeping wtih someone else and potentially losing he forever.. I agree. There is a famous saying: "Actions speak louder than words". Link to post Share on other sites
travelonic Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 Just curious if anyone thinks there are exceptions? Not for my own situation. But for advising others? IMO the ""they wont leave you if they love you" line a fallacy based on presumption and little supporting reasoning. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
youngnlove89 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I hope my ex doesn't come on here and get that kind of advice. I love her very much but I am not about to stick around in an abusive relationship. She has major trust issues and no matter how good of a time we are having she will find a way to mess things up suggesting I should flirt with a girl or that I am seeing another girl. I deny but it does nothing for her. Then I end up leaving and ignoring her but it is too frustrating and her concern turns to anger. The more this stuff happens the more it pushes me away. I need breathing room. It puts me on edge. Is it really worth it to love and stay with someone who is always going to treat me this way. Then by me staying away it makes it worse for her. Less sex, less dates and all the other things that would indicate to someone that you love them. I can imagine her coming on here and telling you guys how how all this and getting reassurance that if a guy loved you he would pursue you, want to sleep with you all the time and blah blah blah. Then you would tell her don't contact him whatever you do. In the meantime she is probably crying her eyes out because she thinks the love was one sided and doesn't even know why I am not contacting her. What she should be doing is getting to the root of the problem with her insecurity and stop trying to blame me for something I didn't do. If she could do that I would take her back in a sec. But she won't because she thinks I never loved her if I can leave her so easily. Haha! wow. Are you my boyfriend? Link to post Share on other sites
AllTooWell Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I think it's more appropriate to think if they loved you ENOUGH they wouldn't have left you. Even then it's flawed, and it stems down to: If they wanted to be with you, they would be with you. THAT is much more appropriate I think. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 I loved my ex, but hated the way he treated me. My ex loved me, but didn't know how to have a relationship. Love is NOT enough to keep people together. It took me way too long to figure this out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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