5 Months After and Trying to Move On

[balticia]

Hi,

My g/f and I broke up in February after a 4.5 year relationship. I have been very good about the NC rule to some extent. The deal was that if she can reach out to me when she is having a hard time. She did a couple of times, but i realized that it made me feel like **** each time i spoke to her. We have a charity project that we are running together to help a child from Africa attend University. The project is almost complete and she handles the Finances and I handle logistics. She kept calling me constantly yesterday and texted me to say "I want a conversation at some point". At 11 pm last night i gave in and called her. She told me how much i hurt her feelings and how inconsiderate I am towards her. Apparently she saw me with another girl walking to my apartment - and she demanded to know who that was. I told her that its none of her business now since we are out of each other''s lives. I also ended up telling her that we should not talk anymore over the phone under any circumstances and to not copy me on the project emails relating to Finance - and for her to have a good life.

 

It took me 4 months to get to a good place. I tried to commit suicide twice and it wasn't until recently that I started feeling happy and upbeat again. The call yesterday definitely threw me off. I feel like she makes me feel soo guilty and makes me feel like **** - soo manipulative. I dont know if i did the right thing to severe contact in that manner. its my first significant relationship. ANy thoughts?

 

To cope - I started chanting and joined a Buddhist organization. That has helped a lot and i also love flying as a hobby. I am pursuing a commercial pilots license and just got back into it and i am hoping to take the practical test next month.

 

I lost our mutual friends and I am basically working hard to make new friends. My family lives on another continent so its extremely difficult. I try as much as possible to not be in the house and have as many activities but i find myself thinking about her and what she is doing. Any thoughts?

[lord-christoph]

Its called NO contact for a reason. No contact at all, especially before 2 months and preferably not for 6 months, if ever really. I've just started my NC, but I've read a lot on it, and it isn't easy, but I'm convinced its the only way to heal properly. You don't even sound like you want to ever be with her again, so I don't see why you even have contact period. I mean, she had to have hurt you to want the relationship to end right? Why would you give that person any semblance of interpersonal communication?

You sound like you were doing fine, well even, until you answered her call. Don't do that again, I think you did the right thing by saying don't ever communicate again unless its about finances.

 

About that call, she reaches out to you, you give in, and then she reams you out? WTF is up with that? you need to double down on some serious NC, because that just isn't right. If they reach out it should be only for one thing: they want a second chance. Even then it has to have been a long time, otherwise their just falling back on you, and you don't want to be that guy. But you don't want her back anyways, so why allow for contact?

[balticia]

To be fair - we both hurt each other even though she thinks she is the victim. After trying to take my life twice, i realized that I really was about to throw away my life over someone and to what end? I started to realize that I have so much going on for me at 25. Just how to get my head out of my ass is what i need to do.

 

I dont want to be with her - even though sometimes i fantasize being with her again, but I know that it's my mind going to the good times and not seeing the times she was a bitch, controlling and always running to her parents whenever we had a problem (she is 28 by the way).

 

I think the other thing is me feeling lonely - and hating togo back to our apartment even though i got a roommate. A part of me misses having sex and having someone to just cuddle with and share some intimacy with. Thing is in my opinion we didn't have enough sex anyway. The times we had it, it was great but I always wanted more.

 

Another thing is that when i meet friends and tell them we broke up the first thing they say is "Oh, you weren't happy anyway" and "her parents were controlling". It's been a big revelation that has sort of budged me on to moving on. I just need to get over today and get back to my rhythm - positivity and a drive for success.

 

I am also starting to learn about myself. I tend to settle quickly and never take my time to pik out the partner i want. It's based on my needs at that moment. So next time I will pick a woman who interests me intellectually, is attractive, educated etc.

 

Thoughts ?