Do you tell them you are starting no contact or just start it?

[drdre]

Here is my situation. I started dating someone during my divorce. She was divorced in the past too and seemed understanding that I didnt want things to get too serious (We are both 27 with 1 kid). After a few months she started wanting more commitment (essentially she wanted to know I was not sleeping with anyone else) and I was ok with because I did like her and wasnt interested in anyone else. For the purpose of making this shorter, at month 5 (May 1st/5 weeks ago) she called things off because she felt that I wasnt as invested in the relationship as she was and she didnt want to waste her time since her clock is ticking. While I was making plans 1 year down the road with her, I was not ready to start talking about marriage since my divorce wasnt even final.

 

Since then Ive tried like hell to get her back. The first two week after the breakup I still spent some time with her and we ended up sleeping together. Then she went cold and told me she needed time to think if getting back was what she wanted. We went 2 weeks with very little contact but we exchanged a couple of messages about missing each other. Then on tuesday she sent me this (she said she was gonna call me sat):

 

"I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to call but won't have time tomorrow either. I wanted to be honest with you & let you I don't think things are going to change for me as far as us goes. I want us to be friends eventually & even be able to let the kids play. My son asks about y'all often. I'm seeing other people & I'm sure you are as well. I don't want ANY negativity between us in any form especially with friends. I hope you can agree to that."

 

Man that hurt! I was convinced that things were gonna turn around so that hit me like a ton of bricks. All I replied with was "Ok. Good luck with everything". At this point Im trying to accept the fact that the game is over and start gathering the pieces and trying to move on.

 

Now here is where I need you guys's advice. Friday she reaches out asking some computer related question (Im a software engineer). At first I ignore it but it seemed important so I decide to help. We ended up on the phone for 45mins, face timing with the kids and even talking about taking them to six flags together. Man that felt good! For a minute. Till I realized she just told me it was over for good three days ago and while this meant the world to me, it probably only meant "lets be friends" to her. So I try to shake it off and later on I get this:

 

Good talking to you guys earlier. I miss you.

 

WTF is that!? Just a week and a half ago we were talking about how much we missed each other and how we wished things were simpler and all that only for her to send me a TEXT saying it was over a few days later. Why is she starting with that again!? I have composed my response and I would like another pair of eyes before sending it. I want her back obviously but I feel like this may be one of those "you got to do what you got to do type of things":

 

Why are you doing this to me? After I spent 5 weeks pining for you, spilling my guts out to you, telling you how sorry I was for not seeing what I had and apologizing for my mistake, you sent me a TEXT to tell me none of that mattered, things are NOT gonna change for you AND to top it off, that you are seeing other people. That f***ing hurt [her name]. A lot. You know, I managed to go 27 years without really knowing what being in love was all about and I thought that I had something wrong with me but you know what else I didn't know? Heartbreak. I've missed you like crazy but you've made it clear that despite my efforts that you are done. I have to work on accepting that. So unless something has changed and you want to explore working things out, I need you to not contact me for a while. I still think you are incredible but I'm not gonna be able to get over you while you toss me bread crumbs every few days. You can't have my friendship without wanting me. It's not fair and I deserve better.

 

Should I send that? Do I tell her that I need no contact or do I just ignore her from now on? Keep in mind, I do want her back.

 

Thanks!!!!!

 

- First time heart broken dre

[flitzanu]

you don't tell someone you are going NC. you just go NC.

 

she told you literally in plain words that she isn't going to be with you and sees no future with you. pay attention to that, and not the other crap she's doing to keep you dangling.

[Nicoleiia]

Please don't send that and start NC immediately. Her saying "I miss you" is just handing you breadcrumbs. Don't feed into it. No, you guys cannot be friends (maybe YEARS down the line but not now). You need to get rid of her. She dumped you and doesn't want to be with you. That's what she said, so you need to move on and not tell her anything.

Edited July 7, 2013 by Nicoleiia

[drdre]

How can you tell between a breadcrumb and them changing their mind? Or can you?

[Nicoleiia]

How can you tell between a breadcrumb and them changing their mind? Or can you?

 

When they say "I miss you AND I want to be with you. I will do anything you want just so we can be together". That is changing their mind. When they say "I miss you" and nothing comes after that. Those are breadcrumbs. Unless they TELL you they want you back, everything else is a breadcrumb unfortunately.

[Giha]

I think you just do it. In my case she asked if I wanted to stay in touch, I said no and that was that.

[aloneinaz]

Another vote for giving her pure silence.. She dumped you and then hurt you by telling you she was seeing others. It was VERY selfish of her to call with a computer question after that.

 

You can't go from a relationship to "friends". Right now, you're giving her all the power. Take charge and go NC so you can move on and find someone who wants you for you. I know you want her back, but what would change? Wouldn't you be scared she'd pull this crap again next time she doesn't like things the way the are? Trust me, they don't change. I let my ex break up with me three times always promising me she would never do it again. She did..

 

Your only chance to getting her back on your terms is to ignore her and let her miss you from her life. If she doesn't miss you than feel good that it wasn't meant to be.

[Simon Phoenix]

Announcing NC defeats the purpose of it and makes it look like a game, a con or a hustle. Just go silent. The only scenario where I think announcing it makes sense is if the dumper won't leave you alone and you need to tell them to back off. Other than that, just go silent.

[Z33]

I am doing just drop dead silent NC. If she wants to know how I am doing, she can friend me back on FB, call me, text me.

 

No need to tell her you are doing NC

[travelonic]

I know you want her back, but what would change?

 

Well, it depends on the people involved - it is possible that nothing changes, and the same toxic cycle would resume, but also it is possible that changes happen.

 

 

Trust me, they don't change. I let my ex break up with me three times always promising me she would never do it again. She did..

 

Your experience is what seems to happen a lot, but don't therefore make the mistake of implying that's the only outcome, or because of how that can be you shouldn't expect changes, only expect failure if mutual reconciliation is desired. Success happens when the right circumstances are true.

 

If mutual reconciliation is desired, and successful at that, change can happen - but it depends on the people involved.

Edited July 7, 2013 by travelonic

[Talulah]

The thing is you didn't want things to get too serious with her. She wants to find someone ans settle down with them. I'm sorry you're hurt but this ended up being not too serious in the end and that's what you wanted, right?

[drdre]

I totally see your point. When we started I didn't want it to be too serious, since then my divorce is now final and losing her made me realize I care about her a lot and that I would like be more serious with her. I knew I cared all along but I realized I didn't let my guard down fully while dealing with the divorce. If we were to work things out tomorrow, I would like to be in a full on relationship with her and discover what the future may or may not hold. She definitely has the qualities I'd look for and I can see myself with her in the next year or two, beyond that I think I'd need to see how the next six months to a year are when we are fully invested in the relationship to be able to tell.

[aloneinaz]

I totally see your point. When we started I didn't want it to be too serious, since then my divorce is now final and losing her made me realize I care about her a lot and that I would like be more serious with her. I knew I cared all along but I realized I didn't let my guard down fully while dealing with the divorce. If we were to work things out tomorrow, I would like to be in a full on relationship with her and discover what the future may or may not hold. She definitely has the qualities I'd look for and I can see myself with her in the next year or two, beyond that I think I'd need to see how the next six months to a year are when we are fully invested in the relationship to be able to tell.

 

But... she's telling you she doesn't want that right now. She wants to move on. In my mind, you have two choices. Type her an email or ask to meet in person and put it all on the table, the way you stated here. Tell her you need an answer one way or the other in 24 hours. If she says no, then you go NC.

 

The other option is to go NC right now. Let her see her life w/out you in it. It's to make you heal but sometimes it makes the other party realize what they are missing in their life and they come back. Other times, they realize they are happy without them in their lives and they move on.

 

Again, she's controlling all the power being the dumper and deciding when and if she sees you or needs you. Dumpee's have power too. It's called silence and disappearing from their lives. You don't want us, you wish is your command. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. Don't let her dictate the future.

[Talulah]

But... she's telling you she doesn't want that right now. She wants to move on. In my mind, you have two choices. Type her an email or ask to meet in person and put it all on the table, the way you stated here. Tell her you need an answer one way or the other in 24 hours. If she says no, then you go NC.

 

The other option is to go NC right now. Let her see her life w/out you in it. It's to make you heal but sometimes it makes the other party realize what they are missing in their life and they come back. Other times, they realize they are happy without them in their lives and they move on.

 

Again, she's controlling all the power being the dumper and deciding when and if she sees you or needs you. Dumpee's have power too. It's called silence and disappearing from their lives. You don't want us, you wish is your command. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. Don't let her dictate the future.

 

Dumpee power I really like that! I'm sorry Dr.Dre I think that you did the right thing though to get your divorce finalized and your feeling settled. I think that many people do not do that in their lives and it ends up being a mess. I'm in NC mode right now and it's really difficult for me, even though I tried to bargain for weeks with my ex and that did not change things. People want what they can't have so...go with that

[drdre]

Talulah (and everyone who has helped),

 

I feel you. I'm still CONSTANTLY thinking about her. Sometimes it's longing for her, sometime is wishing she would stop being so stubborn and come back (I mean, she wanted me to be 100% invested and emotionally available for 5 months and when I finally get ready she doesn't want it anymore? Feels like its her being stubborn), sometimes it's just a "well, it's probably for the best" feeling, sometimes is "Well, I'm good looking, smart, successful with a ton of integrity, it's her loss" type of feeling but it still remains that I think about it all. Day. Long. It doesn't hurt as much as often as it did before but it bugs me that its consuming me this much. I've always been so strong in other aspects of life, including moving here to the US and liviing on my own since I was 17, putting myself through college, losing both of my parents, that I can't believe a girl is doing all of this to me. I feel almost embarrassed that after all I've experienced that I'm feeling this crappy about something that in the grand scheme of my life is virtually insignificant.

 

In any case, this site has helped a ton! I feel like talking about it all the time to anyone who will listen but I don't want to keep bothering my friends and family about it. This has been a nice outlet. Hearing other people's stories helps too so I'd love to keep up with you guys to find out where you are as well as give updates on my story if anything changes.

 

Much love for all of you,

[Chi townD]

You know what dude? You were still working your way out of a divorce and you were invested into another relationship......dude, maybe it's best just to be alone for a while. To destress and decompress from everything.

 

As far as this girl is concerned. She made the choice to have you out of her life. Yeah...yeah... the friends thing.....but, are your really wanting to be her friend? I mean, she's already seeing other people. Probably giving them affection that was as of late, exclusive to you. For her to comfortably do that, she checked out of the relationship long ago. So, I speculate that if you don't contact her at all, she'll get over it rather quickly.

 

Time to heal and move on. Make some positive changes in your life.

[Still Searching]

To further Aloneinaz's point, NC is for the purpose of healing, but yes, they do sometimes realize what they had, and may miss it or come back. I've had multiple women come back, some years later, apologizing and saying they wish they had another chance. In my most recent case, it's been on/off for the past several weeks. I went NC, and it didn't take two days for her to show up on my doorstep (she lives an hour away). I foolishly have let her keep coming/going, until yesterday, when I finally put my foot down, regained a bit of control and self-respect, and told her I'm done.

 

What I'm getting at is, be careful if someone does come back after no contact. It's hard to put your trust into someone who hurt you previously, and there will be that fear of them doing the same thing again (which, in my own experiences, they have). I've gotten quite the sales pitch thrown at me, and it was all exactly what I was needing to hear. I gave it another chance (and another, and another...), but nothing ever changed. Actions speak louder than words. My ex told me what she was going to work on, but never did. After that, it was insincere apologies, and never any actions to change things or show me that she did care how her actions/words affected my feelings. Nobody deserves that. Just be careful...

[drdre]

To further Aloneinaz's point, NC is for the purpose of healing, but yes, they do sometimes realize what they had, and may miss it or come back. I've had multiple women come back, some years later, apologizing and saying they wish they had another chance. In my most recent case, it's been on/off for the past several weeks. I went NC, and it didn't take two days for her to show up on my doorstep (she lives an hour away). I foolishly have let her keep coming/going, until yesterday, when I finally put my foot down, regained a bit of control and self-respect, and told her I'm done.

 

What I'm getting at is, be careful if someone does come back after no contact. It's hard to put your trust into someone who hurt you previously, and there will be that fear of them doing the same thing again (which, in my own experiences, they have). I've gotten quite the sales pitch thrown at me, and it was all exactly what I was needing to hear. I gave it another chance (and another, and another...), but nothing ever changed. Actions speak louder than words. My ex told me what she was going to work on, but never did. After that, it was insincere apologies, and never any actions to change things or show me that she did care how her actions/words affected my feelings. Nobody deserves that. Just be careful...

 

I'm gonna try hard as hell to be careful with that but in reality, we had a great relationship. No fights or issues that I'd need her to work on in order to give it another shot. We talked many times about how surprised we both were of how compatible we were. The issue was really my lack of emotional availability and her feeling like I was not as invested into it while she was. That and the fact that our divorce decrees would present some challenges that would need to be worked out. I'm almost starting to feel like it was a case of wanting what you can't have for both of us. She wanted me to be invested in her and bend over backwards for her (like she was used to - I mean, I cared but I stood my ground frequently and didn't give into a relationship before I was ready). I think That made her want me more. Then I made a mistake (went to a wedding in Mexico and told her about it - she didnt show any interest in it and didn't invite her. Her feelings were very hurt.) and that caused her to call things off when I got back. While away at the wedding, I missed her like crazy and decided when I got back that I wanted to take the next step with her. By then It was too late. And now I'm the one wanting her even more because I can't have her.

 

Maybe it was timing, maybe it was not meant to be, who knows... I'm trying to just tell myself everyday that everything happens for a reason. I've definitely learned a few valuable relationship lessons from this one so ill definitely never regret it.

[aloneinaz]

 

What I'm getting at is, be careful if someone does come back after no contact. It's hard to put your trust into someone who hurt you previously, and there will be that fear of them doing the same thing again (which, in my own experiences, they have). I've gotten quite the sales pitch thrown at me, and it was all exactly what I was needing to hear. I gave it another chance (and another, and another...), but nothing ever changed. Actions speak louder than words. My ex told me what she was going to work on, but never did. After that, it was insincere apologies, and never any actions to change things or show me that she did care how her actions/words affected my feelings. Nobody deserves that. Just be careful...

 

This is on point. When people end a relationship, there's usually a strong reason for it. There's something missing for them or they don't think it's a good fit. Sometimes they come back because they haven't met anyone better or they are lonely. The new honeymoon period goes by much quicker and then those same doubts creep back into their mind. I stupidly let my ex break up with me three times! Each time, i'd get her back and she'd plead insanity and she'd never do it again but she did. She broke up w/me for the last time 5 plus weeks ago and will never hear from me again. I'm so pissed at myself for putting up with her crap for so long.. NEVER again.

 

TO the OP, have the direct conversation with her. Put how you feel out on the table then hold her accountable for a decision. If she wavers then go NC and move on to someone else.

[Still Searching]

There's something missing for them or they don't think it's a good fit. Sometimes they come back because they haven't met anyone better or they are lonely. The new honeymoon period goes by much quicker and then those same doubts creep back into their mind. I stupidly let my ex break up with me three times! Each time, i'd get her back and she'd plead insanity and she'd never do it again but she did. She broke up w/me for the last time 5 plus weeks ago and will never hear from me again. I'm so pissed at myself for putting up with her crap for so long.. NEVER again.

 

Yep, exactly. I've heard the "we just don't click in every area" line. When I asked my ex why, after calling it off on a Tuesday and my going full NC immediately, she showed up on my doorstep two days later, she said, "I was just missing you, and I thought "I just want to snuggle with S****"". Basically, she had a weak moment, was lonely, and because of my giving in, got her way, her temporary fix.

 

Also, the new honeymoon phase does indeed pass much quicker. It may last a month, and I've seen it last as little as a few days. I believe I'm also at a 5-count for how many times she called it off, and yesterday is when I finally put an end to it all.

 

To the OP, I was in your boat early in my last relationship, the one I driveled about above. She was talking moving in together by 3 months, a ring at 8 months. I was much more reserved, didn't let myself in fully, and was very protective of myself for the first many months. I think she resented me a bit for this later on, but I'm a believer in love being something that happens naturally. Can she fault me for not being quite where she was at so early on? I don't think so, but it seems like she (and your ex) do.

[aloneinaz]

Yep, exactly. I've heard the "we just don't click in every area" line. When I asked my ex why, after calling it off on a Tuesday and my going full NC immediately, she showed up on my doorstep two days later, she said, "I was just missing you, and I thought "I just want to snuggle with S****"". Basically, she had a weak moment, was lonely, and because of my giving in, got her way, her temporary fix.

 

Also, the new honeymoon phase does indeed pass much quicker. It may last a month, and I've seen it last as little as a few days. I believe I'm also at a 5-count for how many times she called it off, and yesterday is when I finally put an end to it all.

 

.

 

Honestly, my take away value from the last relationship is why I stayed in it as long as I did. I wasn't perfect but she was just an angry, uptight, nasty, quick fused women when stressed or annoyed. I saw red flags a couple months in but didn't run when I should have. I was very attracted to her and the sex. at 8-9 months in, that's when she really let her hair down and showed her temper and other bad habits. She knew she had issues but didn't change. Unless she goes to intense therapy, she'll never change and will never find peace and happiness w/anyone. She highly critical of everyone and she runs down anyone who pisses her off. I'm very proud of how long I stuck in there w/her and how great I was to her and her kids who I really loved. I have no doubts she has regrets or will down the line. For her kids sake, I hope she gets some help.

[drdre]

Going on day three of NC (5 weeks from breakup) and Im feeling a little better about things. Got on a dating app and got a date lined up for next week. Definitely boosts the ego and gives something else for the brain to think about.

 

She contacted me today with an update about her computer issue but I stayed strong. I feel rude not answering since we have so many friends in common and I know that I will see her sooner or later. Really considered answering several hours later instead of not answering at all but after enough time went by it felt like "meh, whats the point now".

 

Anyways, I wanted to thank everyone again. I literally did not expect this many strangers to care enough to take take the time to read my long question and put thought into answering. It has been great to see how this community sticks together to help each other. I dont know that I have any good advice for anyone just yet (since I dont even know what the hell Im doing) but I hope to be able to give back at some point.

[aloneinaz]

Going on day three of NC (5 weeks from breakup) and Im feeling a little better about things. Got on a dating app and got a date lined up for next week. Definitely boosts the ego and gives something else for the brain to think about.

 

She contacted me today with an update about her computer issue but I stayed strong. I feel rude not answering since we have so many friends in common and I know that I will see her sooner or later. Really considered answering several hours later instead of not answering at all but after enough time went by it felt like "meh, whats the point now".

 

Anyways, I wanted to thank everyone again. I literally did not expect this many strangers to care enough to take take the time to read my long question and put thought into answering. It has been great to see how this community sticks together to help each other. I dont know that I have any good advice for anyone just yet (since I dont even know what the hell Im doing) but I hope to be able to give back at some point.

 

She's a selfish ass to keep emailing or texting you. She's playing games to get a reaction. She thinks she still controls you and can manipulate you at her whim.

 

I'm proud of you ignoring you. You shouldn't feel bad what so ever. She didn't want you in her life anymore. Continue to let her feel the repercussions of that decision.

 

stay strong.

[drdre]

It has been 16 days of no contact now. After the last time she contacted me saying she missed me (jun 6th), she hasnt contacted me anymore either. We are still friends on FB but I removed her from showing up on my feed. I have only checked her FB once (although I really want to right now).

 

In these two weeks I have gone on several dates, kissed a couple of women and got sexual with two. Still, I think about "her" all. the. time. This past weekend I had a beautiful girl stay the whole weekend at my house with me (she lives in Spain all year long and is only here for a month) - we had great conversation, amazing sex and yet, a good portion of the time I would look at her and wish it was my ex.

 

What the hell is going on?! Is it supposed to be this way? I thought for sure once I started hooking up with other women that things would get better but today (Monday) after having spent all weekend with someone, I felt more empty, sad and missed her MORE than I have been. Why do I feel this way? How long is this crazy nonsense supposed to last?

 

I know my ex has been seeing other people (at least she said so) but what are the chance she feels the same way I do (ie. seeing other people but thinking we were better)? I want to break NC sooo bad and find out. She is a proud girl and may not contact me after I didnt respond to her "I miss you" text even if she IS feeling the way I do.

 

Do I need to get talked off the ledge here?!

[Chi townD]

If you haven't figured it out yet, sleeping with random people isn't going to make you feel any better. Dude, it's only been two weeks of NC. That's nothing! It's going to take time. That's it, just time.

 

Dude, you're like an addict, you have to take it one day at a time. Just get to the end of the day without contacting her and chances are you won't have the same kind of urge in the morning.

 

Just get through the day.