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First break up after divorce

Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 28th June 2013, 9:19 PM   #1
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First break up after divorce

Hi- I recently ended an 8 month relationship and am finding it to be more difficult than it should be and need some words of wisdom for coping. I can't stop thinking about him, and feel constantly anxious and sick to my stomach. I really want him to call me but don't know what I would say or do if he did. We met as a set up from a mutual friend while I was separated and getting ready to divorce my ex husband.

I should note that I felt 100% over my ex when we met, but our divorce was very sudden and I basically was blindsided by him approaching me that he was unhappy in our 18 month marriage (we had been together for 7 years and he had recently been through quite a few difficult issues in his life which caused his personality to completely change- I later found out he was having an emotional affair at the least and he is still with this woman).

Anyways, this relationship was fun but he worked a lot and we worked opposite shifts (him at night, me standard hours). I looked at this as a good opportunity because I did not want to lose myself in this relationship. I like to keep active and busy and during the 8 months we were together I definitely did. He also worked a 4 days on, 2 days off schedule so he only has weekends off every few weeks. This made it difficult to spend time together but we chatted on the phone practically every night for over an hour and would see each other at least one night a week.

I am getting ready to sell my house that I own with my ex. In Feb the man I was dating brought up me moving in, but we had been drinking so I didn't take it too seriously. Over the last few months he has been especially busy at work and not taking any days off he had said so he could take days off this summer- which I have entirely off. In April we went through something very intense together, to say it simply he "rescued" me in a very scary situation. This greatly increased my feelings for him. In May I got frustrated because I felt I wasn't seeing him as often as I needed to (it went from a once a week quality time thing to maybe once every 12 days and then little small visits in between) and I calmly approached him about this and told him I wanted to see him more often.

He made much more of an effort when I said this but again over the past few weeks I started feeling like I was never spending quality time with him- instead quick visits and no time on days off. About a month ago we had a great date that ended with us sitting under the stars talking and him again bringing up me moving in. This time I really felt like I wanted to and I started getting excited about it- though I still haven't sold my house. I was thinking if we lived together he could continue to work as much as he likes but I would be satisfied because I would get to see him more. Two weekends ago we made plans to watch a big game together- but he was going to watch the first part with friends and then we'd meet up.

Things ended up getting all messed up and we both had been drinking. I ended up sending him a text message that basically said I was frustrated because I wasn't seeing him enough and that I needed to spend more time with the person I was in a relationship with. He didn't respond that night, and I didn't hear from him the next day and then the following night he sent me a text asking if we were still not talking. I responded basically apologizing for the way I sent the text but saying that it was how I felt. He wrote back saying he had no response. During all this I was feeling extremely anxious. I called him the following day to clear the air and told him how anxious I was feeling that we hadn't cleared the air after our text argument. We had a few more conversations that week- one about the issue of not spending enough time together- the other a pretty normal day to day conversation. I spoke to him last Saturday night and asked him to meet and clear the air on Sunday.

He agreed and said he'd call in the morning. Then he didn't so I called him early afternoon and asked if we could meet. He was waiting for someone and said he couldn't quite yet...then he basically started the conversation on the phone. He asked what I wanted out of the relationship and I basically told him that I had times when I felt love for him but then I wouldn't see him for awhile and I'd lose that closeness and I told him how I needed more intimacy to keep the love going and couldn't get that intimacy if I didn't see him. He basically said he loved spending time with me and how we always had fun together and that he liked doing nice things for me but that he should want to do those things more and so he felt something must be missing that's not driving him to spend more time.

I made a remark about how he was set in his ways from being single for so long and how he had mentioned that his past relationships had issues from his work schedule as well. He agreed. He said he couldn't make up his mind about what he wanted- to be together or not. The whole conversation was very calm and he actually remarked he wished I had done something so he could be upset with me. He said he still wanted to hang out and thought he would regret the whole conversation within a few days. Anyways, three days later he sent me a text saying he hoped I was okay and asking if I wanted something he had back. On the advice of friends I replied simply, no, that's okay. I haven't heard back since. I keep hoping he will call but if he does I don't know if I should even answer or what I should say if he does.

I am hoping that he will realize he misses me and wants to put more effort in. But then part of me keeps thinking, if he is unsure why would you want to be with him? I am also very confused about my anxiety and I believe a lot of it is coming from unsettled feelings around the breakup of my marriage.

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Last edited by Moderator; 28th June 2013 at 10:07 PM.. Reason: paragraphs added, please use them
mountains628 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th June 2013, 9:38 PM   #2
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I don't think you're wrong to want him to make you more of a priority in his life. To me, that's a HUGE red flag that he DIDN'T want to spend more time with you. I know you're in pain and hurting but it doesn't appear he's capable of providing what you need in your relationship.

You have a couple of choices here. One is to tell him you want to take a break for 30 days and don't want any contact so you can sort your feelings out. This might be enough for him to change his ways.

The other things you can do is simply tell him it's over, you need to move on and find someone who will make you a bigger priority in their lives. Then go NC on him for a month. Scare him. If it doesn't bother him, than it was the right call. If he does care for you, he'll pull his head out and make changes.

As far as the anxiety, it's normal for you to be feeling that with what you're going thru. It's situation anxiety from all the stress you're under. Try to eat good food, sleep as much as you can and avoid stimulants for the time being.
aloneinaz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th June 2013, 9:59 PM   #3
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Thank you for your response, AloneinAz. I think having the summer off (school just ended for me yesterday) and now not having a set routine is also adding to my anxiety. I had been looking forward to some of the things we had planned for this summer. I keep wanting to text him but don't even have anything to say other than "I miss you". I think you are right, not contacting him will either scare him or not, and then I will have my answer. Part of me also wonders if I was just putting so much hope into this relationship that it was stressing it out. I find myself reading so much relationship advice post divorce that I wonder if I was over thinking everything in the relationship.
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