Bigflex77 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Hello everyone. Here is my dilemma and I would appreciate any input. I was with my gal for a little over 5 months. I am 36 and she is 30 with an 8 year old son. We met online even though I was apprehensive about online dating to begin with due to bad experiences. We hit it off from the start and both of us literally fell in love with one another and couldn't be seperated. I knew she was the one from the start and everything progressed fine until about a couple weeks ago. She would stay at my place on the weekends her son was at his dads and I would stay at her place every now and then. Of course we built up to bringing her son into our relationship and I bonded quite well with him. We built up to a fantastic physical relationship and we didnt get intimate immediately. It took awhile but we both wanted to take it slow. Things were wonderful intimately as well and we meshed well together sexually and emotionally. Sure up to this point one could say it was lust but we both felt something different and something more. I've had my share of relationships and nothing felt like this even in comparison to an 8 year relationship I had in the past. We held hands and every insecurity I've had in the past with trust and doubt was out the window. I felt so at ease with her. Needless to say we did move fast and agreed I should move into her condo last month since my lease was expiring on my apartment. Everything happened fast and we even went as far as talking about how perfect we would be married and having kids. Although we might of been love struck we both felt it up to last week. Once moved in three weeks ago however, I didn't feel comfortable or at home at her place. After all this was her condo and even though my stuff was moved in she was so particular about her place I felt like I was walking on eggshells as far as neatness went. We discussed this and she said it was my home too and that she didnt mind cleaning because she was a NEAT freak and I am not so. I'm more relaxed about my home environment. I also brought two dogs with me that she had gotten to know since day one. She knew they come with me and what they mean to me. She had no issues us moving in even though she would always be at my pad and seeing there is dog hair, dog toys everywhere, and carpet in not the best shape. She also knew I was untidy and unorganized but didnt seem bothered by it. So she knew what she was getting into all the way until a few weeks ago. Once moved in she organized my closet by hanging all clothes from whites to darks. I've never seen anyone this organized but I liked it and appreciated it and she let me know she liked doing it. Maybe OCD? I kept everything clean and neat to my best ability but I felt as though I was a guest rather than a occupant. So this may have causes some uneasy nerves at home but nonetheless everything else felt the same. Here's the key ticker. She might have welcomed my dogs at first but because they are in a new environment and stressed, they did have accidents on her carpet floors. I would always clean up after them and wash the carpet. She seemed fine at first but over the last couple weeks I could tell she didnt really like the dogs. She never pet them and always would shoo them away. Her son bonded well with them. Her dislike for the cleanup and dogs in the home started to make me feel bad and seeing her stresses would stress me out. Up comes last weekend and she was very moody so I kept my distance and decided to go into our room and just stay out of the way and say nothing. This really bothered her and she expressed that she felt like I didn't want to hang w her or her son and that I always do nothing and just to lay down. We went to bed angry that night and the next morning I was still in a bad mood but kissed her on the forehead and left for work with little words spoken. She was bothered and so was I but that's why I left quietly. Texting went bad that day while we both were at work. I told her I felt bad and stresses that i see her stressed because of the dogs. She began telling me she can't handle them anymore and can't live with them and never will live with dogs again. I pleaded to do whatever it took from better house training, more exercise, I was even willing to install hardwood floors for her. I think at first she was so love struck that she didnt realize what she was moving in with and what her boyfriend came with. She became someone i didn't know based on how she told me this and the way she acted. She seemed cold saying the dogs had to go and she couldn't do this anymore. I told her that my dogs were my kids but she doesn't see the importance of my relationship with them. I tried to explain that it would be like me asking her son to go move in with his dad. Relationships are about compromise right? But she put her foot down and said that she wanted the dogs out immediately and that I could stay until the end of June since I paid half her mortgage. Shouldn't my dogs be as to stay as well though technically? I didn't put up a fight and knew she was so overwhelmed because of them so I called my ex from several years ago (who she knows I'm friends with) and I was able to bring them for a few days. I felt so unwelcome after that so I decided to stay at my exes with the dogs because she was out of town anyways and I could house sit so her mom didnt have to. My Gf basically said she'll never have dogs in her home which means we could never live together. She said we could still be together but live separately. Well whatever happened to our plans to hopefully marry one day and have kids? It was an obvious it won't work for the long term. Knowing that it was going that direction, why would I want to board my Dogs elsewhere and stay with her when basically we were done at the end of this month?? How did she shut down so fast when we were so happy up until the last weekend?? She the avoided all calls and texts but I didn't want to come home because I figured she needed space. I came home two days later after she agreed to talk. When i came over she seemed emotionless, cold, and determined that I move out. It all happened too fast and the dogs was what pushed her over the edge. I agreed to move out and found an apartment and will be moving the 18th of this month. I know this isn't going to work out now or even in the long term. But what I want to know is why someone so in love with you can get so ovwhelemd in one week and call it quits. Sure it was mutual but why was she hesitant to kiss me goodbye and couldn't look me in the eye on our last conversation in person? She said she loved me and didnt want this and when I asked if she was still in love she said she thought she did. Wth?? And after that talk she won't reply to anything that shows emotion. Do women have a cold front they put on when in pain? Or does love just stop? She did tell me again over text she loves me and sorry it wasn't going to work but she wanted to remain friends because she still loves me. Seriously!? I just want to know how someone can shut off so fast. Sure it's over but why can't you still express your emotions that you're hurt or still thinking of the other person. Why avoid? I'm more in shock than hurt right now. Also there is no Other person as we've spent every day together since and were actively intimate almost every day up until last thurs. so any ideas?
Balzac Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 She's unable to adapt. Cannot let go of her control through compulsive cleaning. From your description it's not about you. Dogs in a new environment need time to adjust. Not saying dog messes are fun but the expense of replace/clean was offered. It's not as if your pooches trashed her antique Persian carpet. Sorry about your misery. Welcome to LS.
Author Bigflex77 Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 But why is she kind of cold and shutting her loving emotions off?? Is it a coping mechanism?
Balzac Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 She sounds emotionally unavailable. It was easy in the first phase and she wants a man like you but not you. Hah the kicker. She wants a guy who'll give her the accommodation of her rule book. I'm sure at some level she must have shared with you her divorce or broken relationship w son's father. Curious what her profession is? I'm curious if her ex has hounds?
Author Bigflex77 Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 She's 30 and her son is 8 so she was a young mom. She broke up w him years ago after he said F YOU to her. She said she doesn't tolerate any of that but I've never been like that with her. I treat her with total respect other than a couple times of silence and being alone in my room. Because I'm hot tempered and I swore that in this relationship with her I would just seperate myself and cool off. She understood and agreed when I explained that day one. I love her and have so much respect for her. Even still! Her last ex she said was a neat freak more than her. She was with him for three years. She refers to him as an A Hole because he left a nasty email after she broke up with him. Well needless to say I don't know the reason of the breakup but she grabbed her stuff when he was away and bailed on him. Didnt look back. Maybe she runs at the first sign if trouble?
Balzac Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Lacks conflict resolution skill set. She gets to choose how she lives. The more you reveal the thought comes to me that you are lucky to have escaped early on. Painful I'm sure.
eleve82 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Hi BigFlex77, At 5 months, I think that the two of you are still at the stage where you are JUST getting to know someone. Moving into someone's place is always a big step and test of the relationship and it seems like she may not have shown you the "other side" of her personality - the one you'd have to live with if you actually married her. It looks like she thought she wanted this but later found out she was unwilling to change her life and this probably is a sign of that she is fundamentally incompatible with you. Better to find out now at such an early stage than to have found out later when there is a child involved. Frankly, living with a control freak is no fun as much as it pains you now, you've actually dodged a bullet. 1
Author Bigflex77 Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 But again, why is she avoiding me when I talk about how I feel emotionally and why did she go from loving me so much last week to acting I'm just am acquaintance now.
Balzac Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) Honestly, you sound like a normal good guy. I'm getting the essence of naive though. In 5 months, she presented her new improved version. You got no introspection about her previous relationships. No statements about her contributions to the failures. Openly hostile though. You've said little about the boy's father and her interraction. She's unable to open her rigid rituals to embrace your little family. She cannot reciprocate your emotional openness. She can only cut you off:out because you let her down. You wouldn't play by her rule book. You chose your hounds over her. Hrmph. Edited June 14, 2013 by Balzac
Balzac Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 BigFlex77, dude, it's not about you. It's not about taking time to be alone. It's not about being a reformed "hot head". It's not exactly the hounds. Lose the hounds and it's then about your sock drawer not being ordered in exactly "that way" or your crossword puzzle hanging around or your coffee cup that you love but doesn't match her decor. Trust me. Pretty soon a guys gotta sit down to take a leak and there you have it.
Author Bigflex77 Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 Well she dated me. A dog lover and owner. She saw my dogs in MY environment before inviting US to hers. The dogs came with me just as her son comes with her. She never asked to get rid of them but she said shes not a dog person and will Never live with one again. So she's not a dog person I don't fault her for that. However she never gave the opportunity to bond with them which maybe would've made her more forgiving of them. I sense the love she had she me was real but it all became real once we were under the same roof. She was blinded by me and didnt realize that dogs do shed, have accidents and what not. I'm not mad at her or bitter. I just want to know why if its not going to work out this why act like you don't care about ME anymore. Yes I chose my babies over her. They were with me first and define a part of me. Just as her son comes first and I accepted what I was getting into. She first suggested dating but living apart but there goes the dreams of one day getting married and living together. Cause guess what? My dogs have years to live and once they goto doggy heaven then guess what? Ill have more again. So I realize it won't work and have to let go. I just wish she still had some emotion, love for me. We got ourselves into this together so why can't we work together in harmony to get ourselves out? And many say she was cold and wrong to not let all of us stay until the end of this month as half mortgage was paid and it was under the agreement we were all accepted from first moving in.
Author Bigflex77 Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 I'd never get rid of them. She doesn't even realize the dogs bonded to her son. He didnt even get to say goodbye to them. If I rid them for her I'd end up resenting her. If she let me keep them she's end up resenting me. I know why it's over and she's not for me. But why does she have to act like she doesn't love me anymore because of this?
Balzac Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 What you're wishing for is reciprocal love. She's the girl who only wants the perfect cookie. Once the edge breaks it's into the trash. I feel your pain. You're 36 and you'll find the right gal. 1
Author Bigflex77 Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 Now I have to face her one last time getting my belongings out of her place. I just spent 500 on movers a few weeks ago and now another plus deposits at my new place. She didnt even offer to give back the rent money I gave her to help me out. So much for I love you huh? I suppose you suggest take the loss, walk in get everything and be on my way without much words
aloneinaz Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I think a key issue here is you only dated 5 months. You have to remember a lot of people are still on their best behavior at this time frame. You're still in the honeymoon phase. What you experienced was her "letting her hair down" around you in "her" environment. Divorced women who have lived alone for a couple of years plus get used to EVERYTHING being thier way and have issues adapting to someone else suddenly living with them, especially if you move into thier home. LOTS of control issues happen. My ex went 8 months plus before she really let me see the real her. Guess what, I saw signs of her "true" self during the first couple of months but ignored it. By 8 months, it had become an "addiction". I hung around thru multiple break ups and her emotional abuse to finally get dumped (though it wasn't unexpected). I think you should be greatful that you saw her true self so early in and can heal quickly and move on to another, less ridged woman. You're lucky.
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