Dumper sending mixed signals. Is this GIGS???

[JadedRomantic]

THE USUAL DISCLAIMER - SORRY SO LONG BUT ANY INSIGHT/ ADVICE/ POV IS APPRECIATED =)

 

I am 28 and he is 25 and we dated for 2 years and moved in together very early on. It was a natural progression and it was one of those relationships that we were so down for each other, our motto being, 'It's you and me against the world'. I held him down, he was romantic and loving, we were in tuned and connected at the hip. We had the same sense of humor, loved the same type of music and had a lot in common, lots of laughs and great times. Of course there were normal relationship arguments but even those we resolved quickly and we came back stronger.

 

As I'm a little older, I had my life a little more 'together', but I never made him feel bad about it. I truly did not mind as he is ambitious and driven and was actively working on goals to give himself and us a better life. And when he could, he was generous with household things like groceries, bills, gas etc. He showered me with gifts and compliments and I did the same. I could tell that the love was deep and mutual and we often marveled aloud to each other how compatible we were and how lucky we were to have found each other.

 

He talked about kids, a future, moving out of state together and even where we should retire decades from now. He told me that if I 'played my cards right', I'd be seeing a ring (THE ring) soon. Altho I happily participated in these convos, I never initiated them nor pressured him. We were in it for the long haul (a phrase we used together often as well). He knew I loved dogs and missed having one around and he bought us a pitbull puppy and was the one to start refering to us as 'mom' and 'dad'. We had a happy, secure and loving little 'family'.

 

My family loved him and his family loved me. We both had never brought anyone home to meet the immediate or extended family before so it was kind of a big deal.

 

Suddenly, he started talking about how he didn't feel like the 'man' in the relationship since the condo and car were both in my name, and I had a more steady job (i had finished 2 degrees and working on my career while he was still in school to get his degree). I could tell this 'not being a real man' thing was bothering him but I told him that since I had 3 years on him, it was normal and that he was a smart and driven man that I loved and respected and believed in him and that when he was successful, then he could worry then about showering me with trips and jewelry and etc (haha).

 

On Valentine's day, everything was fine and just a week before he had talked about me getting THE ring soon again. We were happy. We were solid. I left home to see my parents shortly after and was gone for 10 days. I had traveled often for my job before. Usually we talk and text throughout the day. It was that way for the first week, but then suddenly it was impossible to get ahold of him and it took him forever to get back to me. Everything had changed when I returned home with him constantly out and about and not coming home at night, always with his brother and friends and spending the night there. He apologized profusely for it, and said that he saw an opportunity and 'had to take it' b/c he was sick of living the way he was (money/ career/ success wise). For about a month this happened but I wasn't worried (I believe in giving freedom and trust and also expect it in return), plus he came home, spent hours with me and we still went places together, did errands and he was loving, affectionate, reassuring and concerned about my feelings.

 

Then ... the second month this was happening, I sensed a shift and I pushed the issue. I wanted more answers as to wth was going on and why he suddenly was keeping me in the dark when we used to confide everything in each other. He would not answer, only saying not to worry and that he'd be back to 'us' in no time. I told him the ambiguity was driving me insane and I pushed for but he ended up saying that we should go on a break. I started asking a lot of questions and he didn't know how or didn't want to answer them, told me that we should consider ourselves single for the time being and literally ran away from me.

 

I was devastated and assumed that he had fallen out of love with me and I was confused and heartbroken. Then a week later, he called me and I talked to him and his grandmother. He told me again not to trip and that he was sorry for the way he acted, but he's 'doing him' and repeated that he saw and opportunity and had to take it for his future security. He assured me that he still loved and cared for me and told me to just give him a little time and he'd be back. He talked about the future and how him doing whatever it was that he was doing would benefit us both in the long run and that he and I as a couple were gonna be all good, as long as I just stayed patient and didn't trip.

 

Since then, I have initiated NC (with small cracks in the willpower here and there but no bug-a-boo type stuff) but he'll randomly call or text me and since we lived together, a lot of his stuff is still here, including mail. We small talk like nothing is wrong, he asks me my opinion on career/job/next step things he should do, he asks me how I am, he sends me pics of projects he has going on and how they are progressing. I answer nice but short, supportive but not personal or over enthusiastic. I tested the water a couple of times and texted him something funny and nonchalant and then the next day something to let him know I haven't forgotten about him. He answered promptly both times with something that could carry on a convo and nothing cold or negative. He even came back once to the house while I was out of town and it was obvious that he showered, changed and hung out for a bit. (I was giving him the opportunity to grab his stuff while I was gone).

 

I know people say to move on, but I just want to know: What happened to our love and is there any hope of him coming back to me?

[Eddie Edirol]

I think he got the taste of the single life with his friends while you were away, and started feeling like he was under pressure to grow up when he really didnt want to. Its not pressure from you, just pressure being around you. I think he just wants to keep feeling young, and doesnt want to lose himself in the marriage and family thing before his friends do. Thats what I think anyways, so my assessment is, sorry to break it to you, but your life wasnt as perfect for him as it was for you, he wasnt having fun.

 

Even worse, I think that he is telling you that he needs this for your future together, but I think the space thing is the slow breakup and he has checked out of this relationship, and doesnt really want back in. I could be wrong, but Ive never seen it go the reconciliation way before. Maybe he doesnt want to settle down yet, and wants the life of meaningless relationships with many women so he can feel like he lived like his friends do. If this is the case, it will take him years to grow out of this.

Edited June 6, 2013 by Eddie Edirol

[JadedRomantic]

I think he got the taste of the single life with his friends while you were away, and started feeling like he was under pressure to grow up when he really didnt want to. Its not pressure from you, just pressure being around you. I think he just wants to keep feeling young, and doesnt want to lose himself in the marriage and family thing before his friends do. Thats what I think anyways, so my assessment is, sorry to break it to you, but your life wasnt as perfect for him as it was for you, he wasnt having fun.

 

Even worse, I think that he is telling you that he needs this for your future together, but I think the space thing is the slow breakup and he has checked out of this relationship, and doesnt really want back in. I could be wrong, but Ive never seen it go the reconciliation way before. Maybe he doesnt want to settle down yet, and wants the life of meaningless relationships with many women so he can feel like he lived like his friends do. If this is the case, it will take him years to grow out of this.

 

Actually it's not a slow break up. The BU already happened. lol

 

The months i'm talking about were what led to the breakup and now it's been about 2 months since the breakup.

 

I definitely see that he is not 'ready for' or does not want this relationship right now and I'm not expecting him back soon (i wouldn't trust it if he was) and I have been on a few dates myself since (nothing sexual, but just to go out and feel desireable again =P).

 

We were truly very much in love and I don't think that he wasn't happy or as in love as I was in the relationship. I do think something triggered a sudden change or flight-instinct and yes ... You're probably right. Something happened while I was gone for sure.

[Eddie Edirol]

We were truly very much in love and I don't think that he wasn't happy or as in love as I was in the relationship. I do think something triggered a sudden change or flight-instinct and yes ... You're probably right. Something happened while I was gone for sure.

 

if he was as in love as you were, then nothing could have happened suddenly to change his feelings over 10 days. Someone who is so in love with you couldnt turn off his feelings like a switch, they dwindle over time for some reason that hes afraid to tell you. He was contemplating this for months probably. It happens all the time, people go through the motions of a relationship while they decide what to do, and maybe you bieng away made him realize he had to get out. Ill bet money that what happens now is that he hopes you forget about him so he never has to explain to you why he lost interest in the relationship. He has his reasons, he just doesnt want to hurt you further. Ill also bet he doesnt want to make you feel like you wasted 2 years of your life because he didnt want to settle down.

 

He is like the equivalent of young girls at 21 who dump their boyfriends because they want to explore their sexuality and the world with their friends and discover themselves, change their preferences, etc. That happens here constantly.

Edited June 6, 2013 by Eddie Edirol

[JadedRomantic]

Yes, Eddie. You are probably correct. I guess I should have said, we WERE very deep in love. And I don't doubt that he truly loved me but ... like I had mentioned in the OP, could the feelings of inadequacy and not being the 'man' enough in the relationship play a part in all this?

 

He literally would be the one to bring up talk of having kids and 'the' ring etc. He mentioned the ring coming a week before V-day, I left 2 days after V-day, things seemed fine the first week I was gone, then the last 5 days, I know that's when that 'something' happened. My question is .... why inititate sych serious and commited talk of the future if you plan on leaving the relationship anyway. It's heartless.

 

And the thing that has been bugging me the most, is that fact that when he was given the opportunity to come get his stuff while I was overseas, instead he decided to come back, hang out, shower and change. Then he texts me and calls me afterwards, carrying on the calls for like ... 10 minutes even though I'm not saying much (and all the while ignoring the big pink marshmallow elephant smack dab in the center of the room).

Edited June 6, 2013 by JadedRomantic

[Eddie Edirol]

Yes, Eddie. You are probably correct. I guess I should have said, we WERE very deep in love. And I don't doubt that he truly loved me but ... like I had mentioned in the OP, could the feelings of inadequacy and not being the 'man' enough in the relationship play a part in all this?

 

He literally would be the one to bring up talk of having kids and 'the' ring etc. He mentioned the ring coming a week before V-day, I left 2 days after V-day, things seemed fine the first week I was gone, then the last 5 days, I know that's when that 'something' happened. My question is .... why inititate sych serious and commited talk of the future if you plan on leaving the relationship anyway. It's heartless.

 

And the thing that has been bugging me the most, is that fact that when he was given the opportunity to come get his stuff while I was overseas, instead he decided to come back, hang out, shower and change. Then he texts me and calls me afterwards, carrying on the calls for like ... 10 minutes even though I'm not saying much (and all the while ignoring the big pink marshmallow elephant smack dab in the center of the room).

 

Doesnt mean he wont miss you, or doesnt feel awkward about it, but bottom line is, his feelings about you changed, and there is no reason for him to LEAVE you while trying to get his stuff together if you had no problem supporting him. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. Whatever his reasons are, he doesnt want you to know, which is more heartless really.