Sneaky Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Hello, I was, until recently, in a long distance relationship that ended abruptly. Her reasons being mainly the distance and the timing, she said she thought she could not be in a relationship at all at the moment. After spending a month in denial and sending things like that I still believed in us and absolutely no response from her side, she finally made it clear that she still did not want to get back together. I felt hurt. So I told her I didn’t understand why she would not give me a chance but I would stay away… So a short time later I made an offer of friendship, admitting fully that I still had feeling for her but that I could accept that she couldn’t be in a relationship. She told me that she thought I was rushing things and that talking right now would be a horrible idea for moving on. She seemed really annoyed and short with me. I decided that she just did not care for me and that I would stay away... And I send her a text a few hours later, realising she was right and that I was rushing things, I apologized and that I would try and take my time. Then I decided not to talk to her again for at least a few months and stay away… I managed for five days before I contacted her again, asking her when she would have a chance to talk. I’m not even sure what I was expecting, but I had not slept all night and I was feeling really bad. She told me she had no idea what I’d even want to talk about after all of this. I told her that I was afraid she couldn’t stand me, that I valued her in my life and was sorry for handling this entire situation badly. She did not respond so I decided I will stay away… I hope you see the pattern here, I really am trying to move on and use this no contact thing. I know this is destructive. I know that I’m acting really dependant, needy and pathetic. I know that I need to focus on myself and not her and that I’m just driving her away anyway no matter how genius whatever I just came up with to tell her sounds in my head. But I can’t seem to get out of this cycle. I’m hoping posting here will at least make me more mindful if not get some advice. Thank you for reading.
BC1980 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 The thing is this. . . . when someone breaks up with a person, it's usually something they have been thinking about for awhile. However, it seems sudden to the dumpee. So you did the natural thing, which was to try to talk her into fixing it, trying to figure it out. It's what any person usually does. The problem is that the dumper has been through all of this in their head already, so they do not want to hear it. You are NEVER going to change someone's mind immediately when they decide to break up. It sometimes takes a lot of courage to break things off with someone, so the dumper has been thinking about this for awhile. I think they will entertain your calling and trying to figure out things for awhile, but it gets tiresome eventually. It is stressful, and it really just reminds them about the negatives of the relationship. Just remember, there is no way to convince a person to be with you. They will do it of their own free will. Trying to talk a person into being with you is impossible. You did all the wrong things to try to win this person back, but don't feel that badly. A lot of people do the same things. 3
BC1980 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I agree with Metalchick. You are allowing yourself to be in this situation. She is actually making it easy for you not to contact her because she isn't even trying to be friends. My ex made it really difficult because he wanted to be friends. That was tempting for a few days, but I soon realized I couldn't handle it. She really is doing you a favor. You don't see it now, but you will eventually. 2
Author Sneaky Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 You're only stuck because you allow it. If you don't want to be her friend, then don't. But that's the problem. I genuinly do want to be this person's friend at some point. She was my best friend before we got together and an important part of my life. We would talk everyday. I would pretty much give anything to have that again. To me the scariest part about our breakup was the thought that we would never speak again. I do realize friendship is not an option while I still have feelings for her. And I try to tell myself that we can be friends, just not now. Honestly at the moment I really feel like she cannot stand me and I can't even blame her. I just keep wanting to apologize. You did all the wrong things to try to win this person back, but don't feel that badly. A lot of people do the same things. Yeah, it seems strange to me now, but I left her a message the day after we broke up saying that we should maybe just take a break and have a talk in a while. For that entire month I pretty much thought she was actually considering the things I would send over. But of course that talk didn't happen and she wasn't considering it at all. She was just moving on like I should have been. Anyway, thank you both for your advise. It already helped a lot and I am trying NC again. Today was just day 1, again. I'm not sure what forum policy is about updating your own thread. But I was thinking of doing that when things get difficult again. I'm also trying to keep a journal, it has "don't contact her" written in it a million times and still I overlooked it yesterday.
Author Sneaky Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 If your friendship has the legs, it will survive a period of No Contact. A friendship can be rekindled at any time. But it won't survive if you keep trying to manufacture it while still having feelings for her. If a friendship is supposed to happen, it will happen organically, without trying to force it. There is also an unlimited supply of friends in the world, this isn't the only one. That makes a lot of sense and I feel like I should already know that. I kind of feel like I lost track of common sense along the way and turned totally weird. Like I have to keep her updated that her friendship matters to me every few days or something. I kind of feel like I've been in quicksand since this happened, with every word I've been making things worse and for some reason I could not stop talking.
chinacat sunflower Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 No contact would work wonders for you. Respect her need for space. At least she cares/respects you enough to let you know how she is feeling about the situation. It may not be what you want to hear, but it's something none-the-less. Much, much better than being ignored. Just take it for what it is. Resist the urge to contact her, once the dust settles you will see things more clearly. I'm sorry you are hurting. Good luck 1
Inviv_girl Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 You hurting, I get it and I'm sorry. We are hurting thats why we are here in LS but we will work on it together.. give yourself and her some space, don't chase, she doesn't want to be with you.. "it's ok".. maybe not ok for you but "it's ok".. if you put her in your position....would you like someone force you to be with them? surely not! so take a deep breath and look after yourself. You will move on eventually. 2
Author Sneaky Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the support, guys. It helps a lot. I'm already seeing things differently than last week. The perspective of the dumper from BC1980 really really helped. As I really was clueless about what was going on in her head. Right now I feel like I was in a situation that I did not understand and desperately tried to control and did so in all the wrong ways. I realise that it's just the second day and that it will get harder again but at the moment I feel fine with staying away, though I do feel guilty for putting her through this. I also got rid of all the bookmarks to social media off my browser so I can't even, "just have a quick look." That turns into a sleepless night. And in the meanwhile I'm just trying to stay occupied and keep my mind of things. Edited June 3, 2013 by Sneaky
Author Sneaky Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 Okay time for an update. I’m at day 14 of no contact now, I still feel pretty bad but I never really felt an urge to break it since I learned to understand her point of view. I also find myself really bored at times, since we used to do everything together. Still I’m trying to occupy my time with work, reading, writing and working out a bit… also watching tons of shows. Also my birthday passed, I wasn't expecting a text so I didn't even check for one on the social networking site we are both on. If there was one it’ll be there in a few months from now but I'm like 90% sure there wasn't. (Why would there be?) I do find myself debating whether I should apologize at some point (not yet, mind. I mean in a month or two if that), not because I’m seeking emotional validation, but because it’s the right thing to do and it’s important to me to try and be a good person. I did handle the breakup badly (not rude or anything, just in a very needy way) and feel guilty about that since it must have been driving her crazy. Though at the same time I can see why this might be counterproductive to the progress I would have made and might even just be awkward after so much time. I guess I’ll figure it out in a few months.
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