redgeek Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 So I hope you all like reading...and I hope you can give me some feedback. For the majority of my life (or at least my dating history) I've been a mostly "no strings attached" type of guy. I had girls who I opened up to turn around and give me the typical "it's not you, it's me" and "let's just be friends lines," and that pretty much soured me on relationships for a very long time. This is not to say I have not been successful with women...about 5 years ago I delved into the world of pickup artists and making myself an all around more confident and desirable man. I have had enough one night stands, friends with benefits, and just women who's numbers I took but never called to say that I understand women pretty well, or at least how to attract them. However, in October 2011 I had a life-changing experience...I decided to go driving with a bottle of whiskey and inevitably ended up hitting a telephone pole. From there I addressed my drinking problem, lost about 75 pounds (I was a big dude!) and eventually, my ideas on women changed too. I decided I was bored with the same routine of hooking up and washing my hands, so I started searching for a women I felt I had a connection with and I could respect. Eventually I found her on an online dating site (I know, right?) last November and the thing that drew me to her instantly was that she had the initiative, and apparently attraction to me, to approach me. So we met in person, and the chemistry was instantaneous...in fact she ended up skipping her class that night to continue the date, and I decided to respect boundaries and only go for a kiss rather than the whole prize. And that is how the relationship played out for six months: I never pushed for anything, and always let her be the one to initiate another step in our relationship, something I never had done for a woman, because she was special. Eventually, I told her I loved her and she agreed. However my feelings right from the start were that she was too good to be true, and certainly too good for me. Here was me, a manual laborer with an associates degree that was doing me no good, and a checkered past; and there was her, a college student on the verge of a bachelors, with more poise than I could ever hope to have. And so, for the first time in years, my self esteem began to plummet, no matter how much she told me how awesome of a boyfriend I was and that I was "the sweetest guy ever." Now to my point...last month I had some difficult times to say the least, and on top of that she was a month away from leaving for 4 months for a semester away. I was upset and tired, and while waiting outside of her gym to pick her up, I decided it was a good idea to have a few beers to calm me down. End result: I fall asleep while parked and get my second DWI, she decides that she is "too much of a distraction for me" and that her life is too unstable at the moment, so we should take a break. One month and several emotional (sometimes angry) conversations later, here we are: she is in California, I'm still in NY with no license, no girlfriend, and possibly a ruined future. The worst part of it is that she says she still loves me, and I know I still love her, but logic is telling her that this mess I'm in is partially her fault and we need to focus on ourselves. I told her that is nonsense, this whole mess is my fault, and we should be able to talk to each other and help each other and not give up the best relationship (both romantically and sexually) either of us has ever had, but her mind is made up. So I told her I understood (although I don't) and that since it's four months we would have been apart anyway, I will wait for her to get back and hopefully we will both have gotten our heads together. I meant it...I have no desire to form any emotional connection with another girl because she is at the forefront of my mind right now, before even my ongoing court case and my job. Unfortunately I'm getting tons of different opinions on this...my buddies say I should forget her and start hooking up with other girls (something I used to think was the best solution too haha...), my family says waiting is a good plan, but I shouldn't keep torturing myself about it, and SHE is telling me to do whatever I feel is right, but don't pass up on any opportunities for a relationship for her. Sorry for the novel but I'm very confused and thought the background info was very relevant. Some days I'm feeling okay and just am happy that there's still a little hope for us, and other days I'm just plain upset, angry even, and assume the worst (she's gonna meet a better guy than me, she doesn't miss me like I miss her, etc). Making that even worse is that she told me she still loves me very much and cares for me deeply, and does not think she will meet anyone better, but will not say she loves me when I say it because she feels she has no right to say it if we are not in a relationship. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice on this situation? Again I apologize for writing so much, but my mind is racing and this is all stuff I have been wanting to say to her, but don't want to upset her more...because I firmly believe she is perfect for me in every way, and I love her. Thanks.
BustedUpInside Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 The range of emotions you are feeling are completely normal after a breakup. You will just have to go with them and eventually you will start to feel better. However, your progress is going to be slowed down a lot if you keep in contact with your ex. It is just going to prolong the pain and keep hope alive when you should just move forward as if everything is done for good. It must have taken a lot of courage to change your life (stopping drinking, weight loss, getting over commitment issues). You will need to use that same courage now to cut her out of your life. It won't be easy, in fact at first it feels almost impossible, but it will get easier and the longer you do it for the better you will feel. Good luck!
nugget_718 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 First, congratulations on taking your self out of that muck (the drinking and FWB situations) you were stuck in for a long time. Second, I do feel for you and understand what you're going through. The one time that you try your shot at a normal relationship, you get f*cked up. While I believe that she does love you, I also believe that she has the GIGS. A thread is pinned at the top of this forum. Take time to read it and you will understand why I said she might be experiencing that. I'm pretty sure that you are considering what your friends tell you that to get over someone is to be under someone...lol... but haven't you already done that?
Author redgeek Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Thank you both. I've absolutely tried to pick her brain for a reason, and she has not given me one yet other than that she thinks I'm better off without her (as if, haha...) and that she doesn't want to think about the future right now. I've told her a million different things since this all happened...at first that I think it would be better for me if we didn't talk because that would only hurt me worse, and then that I do want to talk, and then not...anyway, as it stands now, I told her staying in touch would be okay, but I'm not going to go out of my way to keep in touch. Originally, when we were dating, the plan was to video chat on a somewhat regular basis and we decided to still possibly do that, but now I'm doubting myself again. What I did tell her is that if she's serious about maybe trying this again at some point, I'm going to treat it as I would have if we were still dating. IE: I will not be looking for another relationship and that I will wait until she's ready to have a sit down, but I cannot wait forever. My hope is that when she comes back in four months we can have a heart to heart and make a final decision. As for no contact, as I said I've been having conflicting feelings on that and at the moment I need to be in touch with her because she is writing an affidavit to the court stating I was not driving that night and she was going to drive my car back. Also, I told her she could store some of her things at my house for the summer so she didn't have to pay for a storage unit, so we will be seeing each other in 4 months either way. Anyway, it does appear that GIGS is what's going on here, but I do still believe she's not going to be looking for a new guy...and she told me if her feelings toward me changed, and she did not love me anymore, she would tell me so I could start forcing myself to move on. Her whole reasoning behind this was that we both need to focus on ourselves and getting our **** together (her with college and, soon enough, finding a career and me with my court case and having a little more faith in myself as a person) rather than being distracted by a relationship.
umirano Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Let's get to the core of this: Now to my point...last month I had some difficult times to say the least, and on top of that she was a month away from leaving for 4 months for a semester away. I was upset and tired, and while waiting outside of her gym to pick her up, I decided it was a good idea to have a few beers to calm me down. End result: I fall asleep while parked and get my second DWI, she decides that she is "too much of a distraction for me" and that her life is too unstable at the moment, so we should take a break. Is this why she broke off with you? Or was the RS going south before that? And what exactly do you want? Do you want her back? Then you need to figure out why she broke up with you exactly and remove that cause. Then you're ready to tell her you worked on yourself and that you want her back. From what I gather she isn't completely closed to that idea? If otoh you want to get over her, then go no contact. It'll be hard, but it seems you have done it a few times in the past. Good luck!
nugget_718 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 SHE is telling me to do whatever I feel is right, but don't pass up on any opportunities for a relationship for her. This sound to me that she is done. It's not unusual to still feel love for someone but don't want to be with them forever. Let me give you a good example. I was married to the most wonderful person, very good provider, never smoke, do drugs, or abused me in any way. He was to be a priest. I do care for him a lot, probably love him till I die, but guess what, I still filed for divorce. So you see, I get where she's coming from...her feeling of still loving you but to her it's best if she's no longer in a RS with you.
Author redgeek Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 In her words, this incident was what really sent up a red flag that she was too much of a distraction for me. But she did tell me that I kind of got her freaked out a few weeks prior because I started asking her what her future plans were when she graduated, and that she wasn't ready to think about the future yet and that I should have someone who knows exactly what they want to do in life. As I said this is just what she told me...I have a feeling it was more to do with my feeling that I didn't deserve a girl as great as her and, again, the stress of her impending trip across the country...I was a bit frustrated with the fact we weren't able to spend much time together between her being in school and both of us working. So as for removing the cause, I'm trying to get back to the point of being a high-confidence, self-respecting person, because I know that women don't typically respect men who don't respect themselves, but this whole situation with the DWI and her leaving is making that very hard. Either way, I want her back very badly and from what she's told me she isn't closed to that...it's just the waiting and the pain of losing her that is killing me right now.
Author redgeek Posted June 1, 2013 Author Posted June 1, 2013 @nugget, I'm sorry, I didn't see your comment before. This sound to me that she is done. It's not unusual to still feel love for someone but don't want to be with them forever. Let me give you a good example. I was married to the most wonderful person, very good provider, never smoke, do drugs, or abused me in any way. He was to be a priest. I do care for him a lot, probably love him till I die, but guess what, I still filed for divorce. So you see, I get where she's coming from...her feeling of still loving you but to her it's best if she's no longer in a RS with you. Do you think this is the case? How could you feel that you are in love with someone, and say that you do not think you will find anyone better, but still think you can't spend more time with them? Like I said, she told me she thinks that it could work in the future, and that is why I'm so conflicted on this...I don't want her to be the "one that got away" so to speak.
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