Just over a month no contact now!

[outofleftfield1987]

I met my girlfriend in summer 2011, have been dating ever since, with little to no blips on the radar. She goes to school a 2 hour flight away, and we have made distance work, and seen each other for about 5 days every 3 weeks, and its always been great. Fast forward to New Years Eve Dec 31 2012, and we go to a party, and maybe I have a little bit too much to drink, and have a jealous freak out on her, resulting in me leaving the party, grabbing my coat and walking out the door, just thought I needed to settle down and gather my thoughts but I can imagine what it looked like. She never gave me any reasons not to trust her before, so I honestly don't know what spurned that kind of reaction in me. Everything was honestly perfect, she was busy with extra curriculars, yet still made time to talk to me every day, and felt like we were moving forward, after dating long distance for 2 years, in three weeks we'd both be back settled in at home, what we'd always wanted.

 

She came out to visit twice this semester, January, and then over St. Patricks day most recently. Our only other issue was when she got hired for her dream job company and she got "mad that I wasn't excited enough"when she told me the news, but in reality I was happy for her, but I was waiting in line at the passport office therefore not really conducive to yelling and shouting and being excitable, though I actually was. We moved past that, and she realized that maybe she was a little bit over emotional about it, which I appreciated. We had discussed the new years incident, and it still really bothered her, although she kept quiet and we kept our relationship going, and I thought things were fine. Moving to this past weekend, she goes a few hours away to visit her sister, I go to home for the weekend, and all of a sudden I notice that she's acting kind of cold. We had booked a trip to Europe together a month ago as a grad gift, and now that just isn't going to happen.

 

I was also supposed to go to her graduation banquet on the following Friday where she goes to school, had flights booked, but I could tell she was making excuses suddenly for me not to come, which seemed very out of left field to me. Then, the past couple days, she ignored my call and my reaching out to discuss what is wrong. She tells me Monday night she'll call me the next morning because her roommate was asleep, and didn't want to wake her up. Understandable. Finally, we arrive at yesterday morning. She phones me, and says that she "doesn't see us together past this summer," and that we shouldn't go to Europe together. I'm instantly crushed, and confused. That segways into her telling me that we're in different places in our lives (what? we're both graduating at the same time, moving to the same city etc.)

 

Then, she mentions that perhaps there are some "fundamental differences" between us, but doesn't give me much of an answer about that. So essentially, we break up over the phone, and I am literally shocked/confused/hurt. After two years, all the I love you's, the trips to see each other, this and that, she discusses that she hasn't quite been able to get over my one and only jealous outburst on New Years. I have owned up to that incident, taken full responsibility time and time again, and honestly thought we had moved past it, but it was obviously still irking her. So really, our relationship sort of went out with a wimper. This is my first serious relationship, and I know she loves/cares about me (we also haven't talked since the call yesterday), but is there anything I can do to try and get her back, and prove that we can move past that incident? I know its still a fresh breakup, but its sort of ridiculous to part from your best friend of 2 years, over one isolated incident. Do you think there is a chance or opportunity at all to get her back? If so, what would you suggest?

 

UPDATE: That was my original story from early April. And to date, it's May 16

and there has been 0 contact. I've been good with NC, and haven't heard a peep.

Doing better now, but it was brought to my attention by a mutual friend

that she deleted a ton of her profile pictures on FB, yet left the couple of us together,

I haven't seen, because I haven't been on FB. Didn't want to delete her, figured I

would just avoid FB for a while.

 

Based on that, is there any chance of her coming back, turning around? I was always there

for her throughout all her struggles, which included many family issues etc, and I feel

discarded like an emotional crutch.

 

Thoughts? Is this GIGS?

Edited May 16, 2013 by outofleftfield1987
putting into paragraphs!

[outofleftfield1987]

bump? anybody, please? haha

[Hockeyguy19]

Women keeps memories of past relationships (especially those who were the dumper) as they remind them of good times. She doesn't hate you, she just feels the relationship ran its course and it's over. My ex has every photo album, scrapbook and every piece of jewelry I ever bought her still. She doesn't want me back and she kept them because they are her memories too. Good for you for staying nc for as long as you have, I don't suggest breaking it as you might not get the response you are hoping for. Sounds like gigs to me, mine is doing the same with someone else and it sucks, but I know she's moved on. Let her go, if she wants to come back, she needs to do it on her terms, not yours.

[GB25]

Hey bud..I really don't think anyone can give a definite answer on the question you are asking..

 

Is there any chance she comes back..sure, of course there is..but is there also a chance that she doesn't ..that answer is yes as well. You guys spent 2 years together and I am positive she loves/cares for you and that's why she left the FB pictures up, but I wouldn't dwell or over analyze it...she misses you im sure but missing someone and going back to try again is 2 totally different things.

 

You say you are NC and you havent checked her fb page at all which is great now I would also tell youre friend or whoever to not update you as well on what pics she's deleting etc..that just screws with you're head and gives you hope ( hence this thread)..just keep doing what you're doing seems like you are getting on ok without her..and only when she is ready she might come sniffing back around..but stay NC and don't hope for it

[california15]

I had a semi-out-of-the-blue phone call break up too. They really hurt.

 

Hold strong to NC. It was one of the hardest yet best things I could do for myself and I'm glad I tried it earlier than later (so Kudos to you for that). Come here for support, everyone is great and helpful. Just stay strong with NC. It really does make a world of difference. And remember NC isn't for them and isn't to get them back - its for you to better yourself and move on. Remember that. And it will get easier to ignore the bread crumbs

 

It seems there is something more to the story from her side that she's not willing/ready to share and tried to break up with you by sparing your feelings as best she could. I'm not buying the NYE incident as the reason because if it was that big of an issue she wouldn't have been able to sit on it as long as she had. I think she's grasping at reasons to tell you basically.

 

Don't hold out that she'll come back around. It prevents us from truly moving forward. One day, who knows, she might? But I'll bet you be indifferent at that time, and it won't matter. The quicker you accept that she ISN'T COMING BACK, the quicker you can fully commit to your healing process.

[BenH1000]

Wow man, your situation is pretty similar to mine. My girlfriend and I were dating for 7 months -- so quite a bit shorter than your relationship -- but other than that, there's a lot of similarities.

 

For starters, it's been EXACTLY one month since my girlfriend broke up with me. I've gone NC since (w/ exception of a "thank you" text response to a birthday text she sent) and it's been very difficult. In fact, I think it's gotten more difficult the last few days. My gf also broke up with me out of the blue due to perceived "incompatibilities" and an inability to see a future together. This all came right after she came back from a vacation with her folks, but a vacation where she called me to talk on the phone, texted me every day, and basically told me the next time she goes on vacation, she wants me there with her.

 

So my heart was pretty crushed, even though I blurted out on the phone that I couldn't see a future with her either. I think that was just me protecting myself. I'll be honest that I missed on a lot of red flags during the relationship and should have gotten out earlier, but you live and you learn I guess.

 

Anyway, don't mean to hijack your thread here, but my advice would be to keep doing what you're doing. Avoid her FB like the plague, don't contact her, and just keep in mind that she's the one with the issues, not you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Just stay positive, focus on self-improvement, hang with friends, hit the gym, and look forward to meeting someone who values YOU and won't skirt around issues. My ex couldn't communicate for **** and was dishonest, so as long as I keep that in mind, any thoughts of missing her go out the window.

[outofleftfield1987]

Yeah, just puzzling because our communication was lights out great, because of the distance, and we made time for each other every day. I guess the most frustrating part is that it seems like a waste of two years, we were heavily involved with each others families, so that's a tough part for me to take.

 

Hard to believe that she could just go complete no contact after that. Cancelling a trip to Europe etc, and shes lost a lot of mutual friends. I'd expect some sort of reaching out, but I think I'm doing well with the NC, I just want to hear from her.

 

But under no condition will I break NC! Any other tips/words of wisdom are appreciated.

[california15]

not a waste! You've got to learn something from this experience, or take away something from the relationship that can be applicable for the future. Don't suffer for nothing and get nothing out of it - Maybe you found qualities you know you don't like, learned how to pick your battles when arguing, realized what you will and won't tolerate. You learned to love and open up to someone. And you'll also learn how strong of a person you are during your moving on/healing process. Don't think of it as a waste. Just a life experience that you can take something away from and carry on

[outofleftfield1987]

I get what you're saying, but does feel like a waste, because we did the two years LD expecting to be able to be together when we were back. Just feel like a sabotaged plan.

[BenH1000]

Yeah, just puzzling because our communication was lights out great, because of the distance, and we made time for each other every day. I guess the most frustrating part is that it seems like a waste of two years, we were heavily involved with each others families, so that's a tough part for me to take.

 

Hard to believe that she could just go complete no contact after that. Cancelling a trip to Europe etc, and shes lost a lot of mutual friends. I'd expect some sort of reaching out, but I think I'm doing well with the NC, I just want to hear from her.

 

But under no condition will I break NC! Any other tips/words of wisdom are appreciated.

 

That's the toughest part, no doubt. For whatever reason, I keep wishing that I'll hear from my ex. Oddly, when I got a text from her two weeks ago on my birthday, I felt pretty indifferent (maybe b/c the text seemed pretty indifferent?), but now, it's killing me to not talk with her/be with her. It sucks, but I know with time it will get better...or so I hope!

[california15]

understandable - like you put all this effort into something you had an expectation for and that expectation will never happen. I'm sorry you were disappointed - things that seem so sure to happen sometimes don't. Don't let this taint your outlook on future relationships though.

 

it does get better with time

[outofleftfield1987]

Does it sound like a case of GIGS to you? Just days before, telling me I was the best supportive boyfriend with all her academic endeavors etc, then drops the bomb, and doesn't fight for me, you know?

 

One day I'm the best boyfriend, for helping her/dealing with things for 2 years, while still being a great lover to her (her words, the best mix of a best friend and a boyfriend).

 

She also has limited friends in our town, as the mutual friends we had sided with me. And we had really been mostly with 'my' friends over the past two years.

 

Any input on that? Maybe loneliness will make her call or even touch base?

[california15]

I don't know if it's GIGS. All I have to say about GIGS is that the grass is greener wherever you water it. And that GIGS sucks.

 

Some people (namely thinking of one of my best girl friends) gets 'bored' for lack of a better word in relationships and thinks a relationship can run it's course and hits a plateau and then she will end it, not necessarily for GIGS but I think it freaks her out to be with one person for a long times and wants to meet new people. This may or may not have been your ex's mind set.

 

She may have been giving you all those accolades prior to the breakup 1) to build you up a little so it would hurt less when she lets you down 2) to try and convince herself of how wonderful you are (warning; you don't want anyone to try and convince themselves to be with you. You don't want someone like that. You want someone that wants to be with you no doubt) and that would maybe change her mind (it didn't). You may never know and don't waste any more of your precious time trying to figure it out or understand. We can throw around ideas but only she really knows why and at this point its probably pointless.

 

She may get lonely and reach out because of that loneliness. Lonely is not synonymous with wanting to reconcile though. Unless she says she wants to reconcile, she'll give you bread crumbs. She may be lonely, she may want an ego boost and reach out to see if you're still hung up on her (you won't be), she may miss you. Just warning you of the bread crumbs that usually ensue after the dumper experiences loneliness, missing you, etc. Don't touch base with her if she reaches out - that's what you do with your coworkers when you're working on a project as the deadline is approaching. You're worth more than "touching base" or a breadcrumb. Remember that.

[OzHeartache]

 

Some people (namely thinking of one of my best girl friends) gets 'bored' for lack of a better word in relationships and thinks a relationship can run it's course and hits a plateau and then she will end it.

 

 

Please don't set me up on a blind date with her Cali lol

[outofleftfield1987]

Just seems like we had an extra long 'honeymoon phase', and when push come to shove she was not willing to put in any effort. tough to take.

[california15]

haha - noted. She's currently in a relationship she hasn't ended, so you're safe for now Oz

[california15]

yes it is tough to take - but when people show you who they are, accept it. Its the best thing you can do.

[OzHeartache]

yes it is tough to take - but when people show you who they are, accept it. Its the best thing you can do.

 

 

Cali is right, I was with my girl for over a year, had a "break" for 2 months and she told me Mon night that she wants to have a family etc ....but wants them with someone that doesn't already have kids (I have a little boy from a previous marriage)..........Sucks but shows me she is selfish and when things get tough she would likely run away instead of fight for our relationship.........Do I miss her ?? hell yes I do but sometimes when you see what people are like, You need to to walk away no matter how much it hurts

[california15]

Oz is just trying to butter me up by telling me I'm right, just so I won't send my friend his way once she's single again

 

- I additionally wanted to say its hard when you're putting in effort and you want the other to put in just as much effort. You end up pushing harder thinking if they see all your effort, they'll increase theirs and instead of drawing them closer, they go farther away. Not saying this happened, just mentioning it d/t your earlier comment. (I'll be the first to admit I was guilty of this) Just be thankful you found out about her lack of effort now, instead of further down the road for instance, in a marriage etc.

[OzHeartache]

Oz is just trying to butter me up by telling me I'm right, just so I won't send my friend his way once she's single again

 

- I additionally wanted to say its hard when you're putting in effort and you want the other to put in just as much effort. You end up pushing harder thinking if they see all your effort, they'll increase theirs and instead of drawing them closer, they go farther away. Not saying this happened, just mentioning it d/t your earlier comment. (I'll be the first to admit I was guilty of this) Just be thankful you found out about her lack of effort now, instead of further down the road for instance, in a marriage etc.

 

 

haha, I might be having a crack at you Cali not your gf ;-)

 

 

But again, Cali is right, that's the hardest part for me, I tried so hard to make it work too, and in the end she just walked....its a big blow to the ego but OP, Just keep pushing on, it gets better a little each day (or so the awesome experts on this forum keep saying so it must be true )

[jkepler85]

How old are you and she?

 

If you two are in the 18-24 bracket, then idk. Sometimes people want more life experience.

 

I'm 27 and my ex was 22. We'd been dating for almost 3 years. It was a similar thing, one day I was great, the next she wasn't happy and broke up. It hurts to get sucker punched by someone who loves you and whom you love back, but it happens and it happens a lot at that age.

 

I'm going on 3 months post break up and 1 month of no contact. I still think about her pretty much whenever I'm alone. In the first month she contacted me a couple times then didn't follow through. The end of March she texted me saying we should get together in a few weeks, but nothing so far. So I'd say don't get your hopes up sometimes women just check out and sail away. It sucks and it hurts, but there's really nothing to do for it but to recover and move on.

[outofleftfield1987]

I'm 23, and she 21, but if she wanted life experience she shouldn't have done long distance for her last two years of university, plenty of life she missed out on there.

 

It just seems like the most open ended break up ever, like I really don't know what to think, doing my best to move on (slept with 3 girls already), and it hasn't helped as much as I thought it would, although it did definitely help.

 

With the open endedness of it I can't see her NOT reaching back, as I was her best friend for 2 years, and for someone without a ton of friends, it seems like the best guess would be that she would contact me? And I know I know, not holding out hope by any means.

[outofleftfield1987]

Ugh. Just found out she rebooked the Europe trip and is going alone instead.

 

I hate it.

 

She must really hate my guts to lose 1000 dollars over our relationship, then have to rebook.

[GB25]

you are not in NC- how do you keep finding stuff out about her all the time?

[outofleftfield1987]

Mutual friends, just bringing her up even though I've asked that they not.