GIGS and Guilt

[travelonic]

Ok, so let's take a step back from the dumpee for a moment, and look at the dumper.

 

Say there is a relationship where there is no cheating, no lying, no deception, no physical or emotional abuse of any kind for the sake of this post.

 

Say the dumper in this situation gets feelings of wanting greener grass, and goes to pursue that greener grass - and in this case starts that pursuit behind the dumpee's back... soon she breaks up with the dumpee, and goes right into a relationship with this perceived green grass - and throw aside feelings about the breakup, dumpee, what happened, how she handled it, how the dumpee is probably in tatters, etc...

 

How is it not possible that later on feelings of guilt as well as memories, etc of the ex, and things the dumper did with that person, don't come bubbling back, don't start seeping in, and slowly nagging at the dumper? I mean, it seems almost similar to when you get into an argument with somebody - in general - and the adrenaline rush that goes on clouds your thinking and only after it starts to fade do you realize things you missed by getting into the argument, if that makes any sense. How is getting excited by percieved greener grass, throwing away a good relationship and trying to avoid feelings about it/doing so without giving one's self any time to think the decision through any different so far as suppression/resurfacing of feelings/thoughts/control?

 

And if the guilt does start to re-bubble, at what point [not what TIME, what point - arguments with the proverbial greener grass, certain amount of time away from the dumpee, certain number of memorable times, etc] would you say that starts to nag at somebody? [and if there are behavioral cues that tell guilt is presence, the dumpee is starting to feel it, feel ashamed about what happened?]

Edited May 7, 2013 by travelonic

[siankat]

Because no two people are going to feel exactly the same about a situation, memory or relationship or another person! How are you so sure the grass wasn't greener? Or maybe that person is having such a great time and this 'nagging' thing you are referring to is still to come. You are assuming a helluva lot and sound disproportionately expectant given the circumstances as described..

 

I do see what you are trying to get at but i think when it gets to that stage you have to look more at you...and why you are thinking in this way because it is quite controlling

Edited May 7, 2013 by siankat

[freetolove]

what is GIGS?

[crederer]

GIGS is when someone leaves unexpectedly for seemingly no reason. Typical reasons given are "I love you, but not in love with you" or, "it's not you, it's me", and they actually mean it and aren't just using it as an excuse.

 

Basically a good relationship that went south for no real reason other than the other person feeling that there has got to be something better our there somewhere.

 

And I have to say a lot of people on here are a bit bitter. I've seen a lot of relationships where the dumper came back and the couples are happy now. Within my inner circle, I know of 5 relationships where people broke up due to what seemed like GIGS. 4 of them are still together after quite a long period of time and all seem very happy. I can honestly say, now that I think of it, most of my close friends relationships had some sort of break in there at some point.

[travelonic]

I probably should have made it clearer that this thread is not really about reconciliation, or wanting it - but specific instances of GIGs [a lot of them, rather? ] where in the process thoughts and feelings regarding the ex, why the breakup really occurred, the relationship - and the fact that a good one is being abandoned for this pursuit of greener grass] are buried... and exploring whether or not those feelings, when suppressed in such a fashion/for such a reason do end up coming back, bubbling back and biting the dumper in the ass so to speak.

[Nicoleiia]

I think its pretty common for dumpers to regret after GIGS has started to subside. When they look back on why they left, they have no answers and that's when they feel really stupid. That being said, it is the dumpees duty to NEVER take them back because if they were dumb enough to leave, they aren't worth your time.

[oracle]

Who cares. The real win is when this doesn't even matter. When it's not worth your time even considering "at what point do they regret.."

 

GIGS is over-used IMHO

 

People evolve as they age. They drift from their spouse they get bored. Doesn't matter what's on the otherside of the fence. It's different. A big part of it is them having the the freedom to choose it. I don't think jumping the fence is an easy thing to do. I am a dumpee but I'm glad I was dumped. I live life on my terms now for the first time as an adult. I woulda stayed, cause I didn't have the guts to pull the trigger and jump the fence

[all_cats_rgray]

This whole post is about... when will the guilt eat up the dumper, thus make them come back.

 

Hey I regret hurting people BUT that does not make me go back to them.

 

what people normally do is don't look back, put the guilt in a box and move on.

 

And one of the last things a dumper wants to do is put you through round two. By breaking your heart again. If their not sure now, they never will be.

 

I ran into a ex a few days ago. I regret breaking up with him, but, in my hearts of hearts I think I did the right thing. I think if I started dating him, I would always be thinking, "I'm not sure about this, I like him BUT...."

 

Now flip it around to my current ex. I never was unsure, I knew I wanted to be with him.

 

Does that mean I have GIGS? With the first guy.. NO. GIGS, is a softer way looking at being dumped. They are not sure about you. I really do not think this changes. As much as we hope that they will change there mind.

 

Going out there and dating, does two things;

 

1. Makes them realize how many people are out there.

2. And how they should never settle for "I love you, but im not sure"

 

WHAT WE WISH Going out there and dating does.

 

1. "omg, she/he was the one" im a idiot.

 

I'd love to tell you the "omg i made a mistake happens" BUT this is not a movie.

 

What's stronger guilt, or failing in love with someone your sure of.

 

Guilt is not that strong. If your a person that has experienced alot of change you learn to put the past in the past. And you can do this with ease and no regret.

 

k im ranting....

Edited May 11, 2013 by all_cats_rgray

[travelonic]

Who cares.

 

I do.

 

Others do.

 

I get that others don't, but really, since this thread isn't about them, so far as they go, who cares? Why bug us, the curious, or essentially post nothing more than what could be construed as thread derail fodder in such a thread?

 

This whole post is about... when will the guilt eat up the dumper, thus make them come back.

Nope.

 

It's about 'if someone gets GIGS And leave a relationship for that pursuit of greener grass, and in doing so and try to run from the situation, does that catch up with them/what is it that makes that happen, if it does?.'

 

Nothing more, nothing less.

 

That's what it's always been.

 

You're - intentionally or not - putting words in my mouth, which helps us none.

 

I mean, it's like when you were little - broke something, tried to run away from it - only to have the feelings catch up with you about it, if your parents didn't first... or if you supressed the fact you flunked a test, and feelings about it, not telling your parents started eating at you eventually.

 

Why would somebody leaving a partner PURELY to pursue what is perceived as greener grass, throwing away an otherwise good relationship, and burying feelings about that, how it was handled, etc, be any different so far as the long run, the feelings about it resurfacing, eating away at the dumper, etc?

Edited May 13, 2013 by travelonic

[travelonic]

Pardon for thead bump + double-post, but really would like more people to give input on the ideas in the original post [start of this thread] - as I think it seems interesting, the ideaw surrounding getting bored in a healthy relationship, finding that thrill of new love, the greener grass thing, and throwing away a good relationship and then trying to bury your feelings about it, lose ythose feelings for the thrill - and whether or not in the long run that burial causes feelings to resurface later - realizations, that "oh ****, what did I do" sense, regret, etc, or not - and if so, what eventually triggers those feelngs if/when they do occur.

[Emilia]

I've never regretted breaking up when I thought the relationship was tired or the person wasn't for me. There was always a good reason to leave ie realising that long term the compatibility just wasn't there: usually we didn't want the same things in life.

[crederer]

My ex let it be known she misses me and I can tell she feels guilty (saying "please don't hate me", etc).

 

She didn't say if she wanted me back but sincerely misses my company and hopes we can hang out sometime soon. So I dunno if I'm being friendzoned (most likely) or if her pride is getting in the way of saying she effed up.

[oracle]

I do.

 

Others do.

 

I get that others don't, but really, since this thread isn't about them, so far as they go, who cares? Why bug us, the curious, or essentially post nothing more than what could be construed as thread derail fodder in such a thread?

 

 

Wow you really need to stop and read before you preach.

 

And talk about taking my response out of context. Be an adult and reply to it all.. Not quoting "two words."

 

You are asking for feedback on the subject... I gave it.

 

Enjoy your pity party

[travelonic]

I've never regretted breaking up when I thought the relationship was tired or the person wasn't for me. There was always a good reason to leave ie realising that long term the compatibility just wasn't there: usually we didn't want the same things in life.

 

Aye, but that isn't what this is about.

 

Heh.

[CptSaveAho]

Youre trying to rationalize logic with emotions

 

GIGS = controlled by emotions... logic doesnt exist