My heart is aching

[DontBreakEven]

I'm on here because my friends/family can't keep hearing the same thing over and over again ...

 

Long story short, I am a girl, and was with a another girl for a little over the past year. It really was kind of a mismatch from the beginning, but we also had a very deep connection and still always wanted to be around each other, and were very best friends, regardless of the fact that we irritated each other often (she often said we were on two totally different planets, and i would agree). Either way, we fell in love, and stayed there for many months.

 

Until she fell out. I'm not sure what switched, but we started fighting more, she started withholding affection, we fought more due to that .. vicious cycle. We tried a few times to break it off because it became apparent that for whatever reason, and however much we cared for each other, we just didn't seem to work ... but always after a day or two later we would find that we just couldn't seem to let go. I, because I was just still so in love with her, and her, because I was her very very best friend and the most important person in her life and she didn't want to lose me. (Really doesn't make for the best combination of reasons for why two people should be together, I know).

 

It was heartbreaking for me knowing that she had fallen out of love and didn't see a future. She claims it was heartbreaking for her as well, because she wanted to feel that way about me again because she thinks I'm such a great person, but our fighting/irritations kept her from feeling a spark again.

 

Finally, after weeks of hardly any affection from her, I couldn't take it one morning during a fight, and we basically mutually broke it off again and I left. I assumed it would be fine just like it always was, and we'd find each other again within a few days .. except this time, I didn't hear from her, and when I contacted her and told her I didn't really want this, it was apparent that she was ready to have it be the end for real this time.

 

My heart broke. I guess I just never really pictured her actually letting me go .. I know I couldn't have done it. It's been a little over a month, very limited contact (none that she has initiated), and it's clear that she still misses me as her best friend but thinks it's best that we move on.

 

I've been in excruciating pain for this past month, as she knows how I feel, and I have no choice but to accept what she is telling me. I am having the hardest time accepting it. She still feels like the biggest part of my life .. but she's just gone now .. and I feel so empty. I feel like I'm taking this way harder than is usual (especially with her seeming to take it a lot easier, though she is known to be very independent and head strong in past breakups .. not to mention, I don't care what her or anyone else says, it's harder for ME .. I never fell out of love.) I am certainly NOT known for total independence and being headstrong. Though I really wish that I could be. But I am not the type that is able to "fake it till ya make it". If I'm in pain, you know I'm in pain. There is no masking it. It's terrible, and it sucks. The only girl I want and think about and love, no longer feels the same. That's all there is to it. And I don't really know what else to say.

 

I have no questions. I'm 30 years old, I know how these things go, I've been here way too many times to count. I'm just currently in the thick of it, and at that point where no amount of life experience is gonna convince me that the pain will ever stop, that I will not always feel this intensely about this girl, that the ruminating and obsessing will ever cease.

 

I guess I'm just looking for comfort. And I strangely find it in other people who are just as sad and upset and lonely, and are doing the same as I am on a Friday night - crying my eyes out in my sweatpants while petting my dog and looking for comfort on the internet. Thanks for your ears and time. I hope one day we all find comfort from what I truly believe to be the worst pain known to man - heartache.

[CompleteFailure]

Until she fell out. I'm not sure what switched, but we started fighting more, she started withholding affection, we fought more due to that .. vicious cycle. We tried a few times to break it off because it became apparent that for whatever reason, and however much we cared for each other, we just didn't seem to work ... but always after a day or two later we would find that we just couldn't seem to let go. I, because I was just still so in love with her, and her, because I was her very very best friend and the most important person in her life and she didn't want to lose me. (Really doesn't make for the best combination of reasons for why two people should be together, I know).

 

It was heartbreaking for me knowing that she had fallen out of love and didn't see a future. She claims it was heartbreaking for her as well, because she wanted to feel that way about me again because she thinks I'm such a great person, but our fighting/irritations kept her from feeling a spark again.

 

...I assumed it would be fine just like it always was, and we'd find each other again within a few days .. except this time, I didn't hear from her, and when I contacted her and told her I didn't really want this, it was apparent that she was ready to have it be the end for real this time.

 

My heart broke. I guess I just never really pictured her actually letting me go .. I know I couldn't have done it. It's been a little over a month, very limited contact (none that she has initiated), and it's clear that she still misses me as her best friend but thinks it's best that we move on.

 

I've been in excruciating pain for this past month, as she knows how I feel, and I have no choice but to accept what she is telling me. I am having the hardest time accepting it. She still feels like the biggest part of my life .. but she's just gone now .. and I feel so empty...I am certainly NOT known for total independence and being headstrong. Though I really wish that I could be...The only girl I want and think about and love, no longer feels the same.

 

I'm 30 years old, ...I will not always feel this intensely about this girl, that the ruminating and obsessing will ever cease.

 

I truly believe to be the worst pain known to man - heartache.

 

Besides the fact that I'm male, everything in this quote seems like you picked my brain and just expressed it word for word. Seriously, I can relate to everything written here. Though I still see her often, knowing that it's not really the same and that she's moved on leaves this unbelievably painful and excruciating pain in my heart and in my life.

[SalientPoint]

And I strangely find it in other people who are just as sad and upset and lonely, and are doing the same as I am on a Friday night - crying my eyes out in my sweatpants while petting my dog and looking for comfort on the internet.

 

 

Well that is exactly what I as a fellow dumped queer girl did on my Friday night, except substitute sweatpants for sweatshorts cause it's a billion degrees here. But everything else was exactly the same. I even listened to The Script haha. Hang in there sister. I wish I could say it gets better, but like you said this isn't my first rodeo either, and if anything I feel like sometimes it has the potential to be worse since we are of stereotypical marrying/full on adulthood age and expect other people to have their S*** together. Anyway, hope you feel better somehow tomorrow.

[Buttercup84]

I am so sorry honey. But as someone who spent every free minute on here once, I can promise you that you will feel better.

 

Now, I know the last thing you want to hear is that you will get over her, and that there will be someone else ( and better) for you.

 

But I can't stress enough how important NC is. You will break it, many times maybe. But it will make things so much easier.

 

Do not look at her facebook.

 

What helped me was, coming on here and writing in the " write here instead of contacting you ex" thread. Helped so much ! I listened to good music and started keeping a diary.

 

What helped the most though, was getting into fitness. Before the breakup, I was so unfit, flabby, unhealthy and bored with my life.

 

I got into this 12 week program run by the Australian version of Jillian Michaels, and it changed my life.

 

It made me think of something else and feel good about me. Now I can cook great meals, I am super fit and in better shape than I have ever been.

 

Since then, I have run races, traveled, met new friends etc.

 

And now, I am so so happy. I used to miss him so much and thought I would always love him. But I no longer do, and no longer feel sad.

 

I can remember the good times and feel happy about it, and now I even gotten to the point where I want to be with someone else.

 

You will get there too !

[DontBreakEven]

Thanks everyone.

 

I'm not gonna lie, though I look forward to the end of the work week because it's such a struggle to keep a happy, productive face for 40 hours, the weekends are the hardest. And especially in the morning. I dream about her and then wake up to find my reality is actually my nightmare.

 

I know. I agree with no contact. Especially if someone is telling you they are no longer in it. It's just so hard going from over a year of seeing/talking/being around that person 24.7 .. they are your whole life .. to absolute silence. It's like I'm walking around without a limb.

 

It's even harder that there is nothing to be mad about - there was no infidelity, there is no "i'm really better off, she is scum" type of thinking. It's just simple tragedy of 2 people that don't work, and ultimately, one wanted to stop fighting for it.

 

My heart screams because in some ways, it is still fighting. I can erase her number, I can get off of Facebook for weeks, I can tell myself it's over, but my heart is in utter confusion. It's got all this love for her, and no her to give it to. It's terrible.

 

I am now on day 5 of a new NC. I was initiating contact every time this time around, and though she'd respond, the reality that she was already gone was becoming clearer and clearer once the denial wore off. I simply cannot put my heart through that level of pain anymore. Not to mention, I still believe it or not have some dignity. I will never beg for someone's love. Ever.

 

Anyway, somehow up at 8am on a Saturday morning because the pain in my chest was too much to bear to continue sleeping. I can't lie .. I wish she felt the same when she woke up.