This is my breakup story... *long*

[aisuru]

We met a year ago in April. 5 months after I had an abortion. Please don't judge me. I'm sharing this only to explain my state of mind when we met. I was a wreck. I'm going to stay out of the abortion details other than, I just couldn't believe I had one and I was in definite mourning and definitely emotional at that time. It wasn't pretty. I began therapy to deal with it, ironically enough a year ago this month just before I met him.

 

Over time, we started to spend more time together, though I would often ignore his calls. I was drawn to him in an inexplicable way though from the very first night I met him. Evenutally around June/early July we started to spend more time together. In July we became intimate for the first time and in August we went exclusive. Each step of the relationship, he initiated and I just followed along. Several times I tried to tell him I wasn't ready. End of July, after we were intimate for a little bit, I told him about the abortion and that I had nothing to give.

 

During this time, I drank a LOT. A LOT. He conveniently lives 2 blocks from me. He came over often. Many nights, I would barely speak with him. He would often go to bed before me and I would go to bed later. Or I would just avoid him and hope he didn't wake up. Weekends would find me non moving on my couch. With him right there. There was a time or two I asked him WHY he was putting up with this... I don't remember his answer.

 

Sooo..

 

Slowly I began to come out of the fog as I dealt with the various stages of mourning after the abortion. During this time, I distanced myself from some toxic friendships as well as lost my main social circle that included the guy I got pregnant with (how I met him and I will never sleep with a friend of a friend again!) and of course as a result, more time spent with the ex. Meanwhile, the ex and I were planning an international trip and came close to booking that trip when a work project for him came up. Yet it still felt strange to me during the planning stages. That we weren't at the point yet to be planning something like this.

 

And then, just before the holidays, my ex had to go out of town for several weeks on a work project (his work can take him out of town for long periods of time which is okay by me since I'm a bit of a workaholic and enjoy my alone time). He wanted me to come visit for a weekend during his time there, but I was unable due to my own work priorities. During this time, we spoke a lot more on the phone (hello, talking! finally! nice to meet you!) and as a result, I finally started to feel closer to him. Not so detached. Not thinking about the guy I had the abortion with so much anymore. When he returned for the week of Thanksgiving, I went home with him and met his family, something I was initially hesitant to do and only did so because he really seemed to want to take me home.

 

Something about that Thanksgiving, watching him with his family and watching his family interact, endeared him to me. I began to look at him in a different light. Then he left town again until the week of Christmas. Again, more long phone conversations and we grew closer (from my point of view), in a way we should've been much earlier if I hadn't been in my fog.

 

He returned home the week of Christmas. He asked what I think of us moving in together, I go home with him again to family for Christmas, and we took a 3 day trip out of town just the two of us. When he asked about us moving in together, while I was partly excited about, I knew I wasn't ready for that step yet. Conversations ensued. I probably didn't respond the way he expected. We hadn't said "I love you" yet and I wasn't yet sure where I stood, though I knew I liked him. He has never lived with somebody else even though he's had a couple long term relationships. I'm not moving in with somebody just because "we're together all the time and we'll save money." Money isn't an issue for either of us, so no. Been there, done that.

 

Three weeks later, he wants a break. We exchange emails once or twice during the break and then we resume normal contact. Though we discussed briefly the reasons for the break and our thoughts on marriage and children, we just fell into the same patterns. Like not talking. Partly my fault. Partly his fault. During this time, he showed up at my place unexpectedly when I didn't answer his call and another time, admitted to going the gym in the hopes of running into me since he hadn't heard from me. He's not overly needy, but yet, just showing enough neediness that while I'm flattered, I'm also a little surprised. And annoyed.

 

Then, about a month after resuming after the break, he leaves for what would be a two month project. I fly across country to visit him three weeks in as that worked best for both our work schedules. This was in March, right around the time fog from abortion and past year has definitely lifted, I'm figuring out a new balance, and I'm starting to realize I'm in a relationship with somebody I'm not certain whether I should be with or not. I know, I know... I was definitely lagging behind him in the feelings, but partly wanting to catch up. Partly not. I wasn't sure.

 

He paid for my flight there (I can afford it. I was what he wanted to do) and proceeded to take me on a whirlwind tour of the city that 5 day weekend I was there, something I hadn't expected as I knew this particular project was stressing him out and he was really tired. I went there expecting we would lie low and the opposite occurred. We were constantly on the go. He really went all out. He also bought me a very expensive purse (not that important to me, I promise) while we were out there, something that surprised me. He's giving and generous, but is conservative with money (as am I). We got into it one night, mildly (compared to other incidents I've had with previous boyfriends) and he freaked out. Said this was why he shouldn't be in a relationship because he needs to focus on work. So I just said bedtime. I'm not big on fighting and it wasn't going to help us in the heat of the moment.

 

I had some wine that night so babbled to him the things that had been on my mind, including that I didn't think we really knew each other. He gasped at that. Whoopsies.

 

We finished out the weekend, but I think I knew when I got in the cab to the airport a couple days later that this was the end....

My first week back home was a lot of missed communications between us due to work and tiredness and different time zones for both of us. I'm sure this created a lot of misunderstanding on both our parts. On one night, I sent an email along the lines of asking if we were okay (I know, being insecure...). He tried to facetime me an hour later (3am his time) but I'd gone to sleep and missed it. I ignored his texts a couple days later. I wasn't sure what the hell was going on with me and if this was something I wanted. Later that day of ignoring his texts, he called me and in a 10 minute conversation, broke up with me. I'll spare you the details other than to say he sounded like he was stressed and freaking out. We had hit the point where our communication had to be better than it was and it wasn't where it should be. He was out of town on an intense work project and I was just starting to engage in the relationship, ya know? And not totally certain if this was a good relationship for me... I figured the best was to just agree with him in understanding and let it go. I'd been on the fence as well. Oye. What a mess.

 

So he broke up with me in 10 minutes or less. I said I understood. That was it. Until my drunk text to him several hours later that was mostly in disbelief, which he responded to immediately (4am or so in the morning for him) that he would call me the next night. The next night we spoke, I didn't beg or plead. Okay, maybe a little, but I offered that we needed to communicate and really discuss things, I admitted I had some things I wanted to discuss, and I was willing to table everything until he returned home 5 weeks later. He said no. I told him I wanted him to save the receipt for the purse he bought me the previous weekend as I didn't feel right keeping it, that I wanted to return it. Didn't feel right keeping this dumbass purse from a weekend that he apparently resented (he said as much). He told me that if I returned the purse, he would never speak with me again. I offered to reimburse some of what he spent that weekend. Same thing. If I gave him money, he would never speak with me again. Ugh. I was surprised, but that was the end. He just sounded so stressed out and knew he was going to have to leave on a 5 month project just 2 weeks after his return home (that has since changed and been postponed till the fall).

 

I averaged one text or email to him per week after the breakup until the time I knew he returned home. I actually truly thought he was just stressed out and we'd talk when he was back home. I thought we'd be back together too. I didn't send him anything horrendous or desperate in the few messages I sent. One email was a three sentence apology. One was a longer text surprised I hadn't heard from him (which he responded to) and I don't remember the other. Nothing pleading or begging; mostly owning the breakup or apologizing, which in his response, he said I was not to blame or was not my fault. The week before he was due home, I went and swapped our belongings. Got my stuff from his place and dropped off his stuff at his place a few days before he was due home.

I still had his keys and unfortunately, wasn't able to just lock them in his house (he only has a deadbolt).

 

Soooo... five days after I knew he was back in town, I texted him that I was surprised I hadn't heard from him. That I still had his house keys. That I was not sure how to correspond with him. Was it that he didn't want to speak with me? He responded that he had just been busy since he returned and did want to talk with me. I didn't respond. That was Wednesday. On Friday night at 10 pm, he called me... I probably shouldn't haven't picked up but I don't believe in games either. I was home and available... So what? So he just said he felt that we were best broken up and nothing would change things. AND THEN.... said he didn't want to see me. That's when I drew the line... If he wasn't going to see me in person, I had no interest in speaking with him again. He said he has no feelings so no point in seeing me. I said that I deserve a little more respect from somebody who said they cared. That it was pretty disrespectful to break up with me from 3,000 miles away over the phone and to expect not to see me. Holy crud. I apparently had missed some movies of mine at his house and he was going to leave them on my doorstep, intentionally, while I was at work. WHAT!?

 

So yeah, he agreed to see me that Sunday.... I debated canceling at the last minute. He came over that Sunday. I didn't cause a scene. Biggest grin ever when he initially saw me. He showed me lots of pics from his trip, since he was home, etc. and the last 5 minutes was about the breakup. He said he was glad I didn't cancel. That I was right and we should see each other. At which point he went home cause he said he needed to get ready for the next day. He was definitely watching the 30 minute clock. Lamest hug ever. 30 minute goodbye. Only 5 minutes of that about the breakup.

 

He was very clear that he can't be around me right now because of feelings (opposite of what he said on Friday night, but I understand) and plans on being able to call me after his next project ends in June. That right now he can't see me. So that's it. And part of me is relieved. And part of me is heartbroken. I feel like I lost my best friend. Actually, I don't think I should have dated him. I think I should have waited until I had something to give. Yet I wonder why he insisted on hanging around when I was clearly not interested or invested. We had a pull, an attraction, something was there. But I took advantage of it at the wrong time....

 

So that was two Sundays ago. I haven't spoken with him since and had no intent to contact him until I lost my job yesterday. We corresponded a bit in text last night when I told him I lost my job but he kept asking questions that required longer responses so I just let it drop.

 

I realized earlier this week he didn't return my house keys to me, and he still has the dress I wore on NYE in his closet. I'm okay with getting neither back.

 

And that's that.

 

I miss him.

 

This may be for the best. Maybe we have something, maybe we don't. Maybe I just needed him in my life when I was going through the mourning process of the abortion.

 

My therapist has some opinions. I have some opinions.

 

But in the end, all that matters is we're not together right now. And it's a lonely feeling.

[crazy1234]

it gets lonely bt u'r just gonna have to be okay with everything even if its not..and yea mayb he was meant to be there for just sometime..S*** happens..and things dont go our way always..just let it sink..until it gets okay..and please please..break all contacts with him..otherwiese u wont be able to move on.

[aisuru]

Holy crap, I just reread that for the first time.

 

I have this overwhelming urge to mail him that f'ing purse with a check for him to mail me my NYE dress and house keys and telling him I never want to see him again.

 

I have no idea why he broke up. I have my guesses, but nothing concrete.

 

I knew I shouldn't have read that. Funny enough, I feel like because of him, and my coinciding pending job layoff (I'm still working but just for another 3-6 weeks), I'm happy to announce I'm returning to school to finish some schooling I need. My career has done really well, but I've capped a little bit.

 

I realized some things about myself and things I've wanted to do so taking advantage of this time.

 

I just miss him. But now I'm just pissed. Something I probably should have felt sooner.

 

He pursued me! He always texted me and called me! And then, out of nowhere, when stressed out, goodbye. Or I was just a fun distraction while he was in town between projects. Who knows. I could spiral myself with so many ideas.

 

*sigh*

 

I hope sleep comes soon...

[BustedUpInside]

This story is so sad. It actually reminds me of this movie I love. The main characters are talking about why relationships break up when people actually seem so right for each other. One character explains that when it comes to most people it all comes down to timing. He says that weird and creepy people are always single because they are weird and creepy, but most people are single because of timing. Two people can be so right for each other it is scary but they just bump into each other at the wrong time, with the wrong amount of baggage.

 

That seems like your story a lot. There is nothing wrong with you, there is nothing wrong with your ex. You both did your best, but in the end it just seems like you missed the window where it would have worked out.

 

I am truly and deeply sorry that you have to go through the issues that you are going through without an intimate partner, but I am happy that you seem like a very strong person, and therefore I know you will come out on top of any problem that life throws at you

[aisuru]

This story is so sad. It actually reminds me of this movie I love. The main characters are talking about why relationships break up when people actually seem so right for each other. One character explains that when it comes to most people it all comes down to timing. He says that weird and creepy people are always single because they are weird and creepy, but most people are single because of timing. Two people can be so right for each other it is scary but they just bump into each other at the wrong time, with the wrong amount of baggage.

 

That seems like your story a lot. There is nothing wrong with you, there is nothing wrong with your ex. You both did your best, but in the end it just seems like you missed the window where it would have worked out.

 

I am truly and deeply sorry that you have to go through the issues that you are going through without an intimate partner, but I am happy that you seem like a very strong person, and therefore I know you will come out on top of any problem that life throws at you

 

Oh I just started crying. Thank you.

 

This is exactly how I feel. And what I told him. And he agreed.

 

He has all that I wanted in somebody. He said the same about me when we broke up. I just had nothing to give until the end when he was apparently getting tired.. I get mad at myself that I didn't continue to tell him no in the beginning.

 

I would give anything for a redo right now.

 

Timing really is everything. Thank you for reading.

[crazy1234]

try breaking all ties with him..and i mean everyy little ones..from ur dresses to ur housekeys..try wrapping them up asap..and dont let him come near u ever..he probably just talks to u when he gets lonely and find closure in u..dont let him do that.

[aisuru]

try breaking all ties with him..and i mean everyy little ones..from ur dresses to ur housekeys..try wrapping them up asap..and dont let him come near u ever..he probably just talks to u when he gets lonely and find closure in u..dont let him do that.

 

Oh don't get me wrong, I will NEVER initiate contact with him. I actually changed my locks so the house keys aren't an issue, though I'm certain he's realized by now he still has my keys. I'm okay with never seeing the dress.

 

Right now though, I want to just express how angry I am that he did this in this way. And part of me knows, I kind of deserve this.

 

I won't contact him, dress or keys be damned.

 

He already told me he planned on calling me after his next project, which is June. He said he figures the emotions/feelings will have died down by then so we'll be able to talk then.

 

In the plan in my head, I ignore him when he contacts me. But whatever. If he called me tomorrow, I'd probably answer.

[aisuru]

I might be a little depressed this weekend.

 

The breakup, pending job loss, the decision to return to school. The meh dinner on Friday that I thought was dinner with a friend but he probably thought was a date.

 

I miss my guy. But strangely don't feel the desire to bother him. Well, maye a little to yell at him. But that never was our style.

 

I just felt alone all weekend. But it was self induced.

[aisuru]

Depression is ok. My only suggestion would be to maybe give the vodka a rest and replace it with some healthy food, lots of water, maybe one of those nice clay face masks that make your skin all nice and a yoga DVD.

 

Hippie enough for you? lol

 

I did that during daylight hours. Also gave myself a mani/pedi.

 

Sometimes, vodka just is nice.

 

This is the first weekend in months where I camped out on my couch for the weekend. It was kind of weird, comforting, and exactly what I needed. I've been on the go every weekend since the breakup.

 

This time I did practically did nothing. I'm not going to feel guilty for it.

[Leigh 87]

I know how you feel about how the guy pursued you, seemed into you, and then he is willing to .. LEAVE.

 

I will soon be joining you in the NC. I think that love will find a way if it is meant to, but yeah, what your doing is better than what I have been doing at least.

 

I mean, you even said that if your ex called and suggested hanging out, like mine did, that you would have been veeery tempted to answer the phone, right?

 

And you would have wanted to know if he still loved you and etc?

 

Well my ex maintained he still loved me and wanted to see what would happen as FRIENDS hahahaha

 

FCK THAT!!!!!!!!!!

 

I mean at least we had guy who really liked us at a time. Shame it didn't last:(

 

Are you going to get therapy to deal with the loss? I so need it, it is way too painful for me to process on my own....

[crazy1234]

Oh don't get me wrong, I will NEVER initiate contact with him. I actually changed my locks so the house keys aren't an issue, though I'm certain he's realized by now he still has my keys. I'm okay with never seeing the dress.

 

Right now though, I want to just express how angry I am that he did this in this way. And part of me knows, I kind of deserve this.

 

I won't contact him, dress or keys be damned.

 

He already told me he planned on calling me after his next project, which is June. He said he figures the emotions/feelings will have died down by then so we'll be able to talk then.

 

In the plan in my head, I ignore him when he contacts me. But whatever. If he called me tomorrow, I'd probably answer.

its okay to be angry..but keep control of it..anger is a person's worst enemy..it makes u a different person than u actually are..its good to know u'v changed locks..its hightime u let it go for good..and please try not talking..its for the best:)