Mutual Breakup

[Nayan712]

I feel like my relationship is very unique (as I'm sure everyone does) and now that its come to an end, I feel lost without her. It is my first relationship ever. I was 19 and she was 20 at the time. Our relationship was not her first, but it was her most serious and longest.

 

Her and I had been together for the last four years. We're college students who met in our second year at school. We grew close right away and fell in love. From the beginning, we spoke and knew this wasn't going to be forever- we wanted different things in life eventually. I want to finish school, travel and then maybe come back to school. She wants to be married and start a family around her 29-early 30's.

 

But, regardless of that, we were so happy with each other, so madly in love. We had an amazing 4 years. But just this past Wednesday, I could see things were weighing on her mind. She's graduating but she will still be coming to school here as a graduate student. I, on the other hand, still have about a year left before I graduate...however, due to family reasons, I will be moving to Canada for a while. We knew things were going to end soon, as much as we didn't want them to. I didn't want to postpone the struggle and stress for her, especially with her graduation coming up, so we spoke and had a very sad, short ending.

 

We love each other so much still, so the break up was mutual because we knew we had to, even though we didn't want to. Because of this, we both really want to be friends after we've healed just because we feel so comfortable with each other, after seeing, speaking and being around each other for almost everyday for the last 4 years, we felt like two halves of one person.

 

Because we want to be friends in the end, we've decided to go cold turkey and it is the hardest thing and most painful I have ever felt in my life. Because I had her for the last four years, I felt like I didn't need anyone else and have lost touch with old friends. It has always been me and her, and now I find myself waking up from nightmares wishing I could just speak to her or see her again- but I know she wants space.

 

It's particularly hard for me to cope because she used to spend a lot of time at my place. Everything I see around me reminds me of her. All of my likes and hobbies were also hers and we often did them together, I feel as though I can't do anything I like because it reminds me of her as well. The only thing that makes me feel a little better is telling myself that I will see her again and we will speak again, even though it may be months from now, she still cares for me to some extent, and maybe we can be friends and start to hang out or talk like we used to- of course I'll have to keep myself in line and try not to fall in love with her again, but I can't see myself living my life without any part of her-even if its just a small friendship- especially since I will be in Canada and she will stay in California, we wont be seeing each other, but as long as I can see how shes doing and talk to her about things we like and enjoy, I will be okay.

 

Has anyone else been through something like this? What helped? What should I do?

[Nayan712]

Can anyone help me?

[umirano]

Why the feck would you break up if you love each other???

[Nayan712]

Why the feck would you break up if you love each other???

 

While the time we spent together was great, she wants to settle down and start a family soon, and I want to finish studying and travel & am not looking to settle down for a while- I guess I'm just scared to settle down because I feel like I won't be able to do everything I want.

 

Also, our family situation is a little off sadly... Coming from a somewhat traditional Indian family, my parents didn't want me to start dating until I was done with my studies. In no way am I saying anything about stereotypical arranged marriages, but they hope that I marry into another Indian family so we have that heritage connection as well. And my gf is white. I knew from the start that if I told them about her, they would try to get me to stop seeing her, and I didn't want that, so I didn't tell them about her... They still don't know.

 

My ex and I spoke about this often, and I assured her it wasn't about me being embarrassed or ashamed of her or anything like that, I just didn't want my parents to try to break me up from her. And she understood as well. We were happy together, but knew if they found out, we may not be together. And honestly, I was scared of that. But now, as plans are progressing, I'm moving away, and she wants to settle down, I feel like I've wasted her time. She assured me continuously I haven't, and that she enjoyed every moment of our time together. What really got me down, was a few weeks ago, she said if I asked her to marry me, she would say yes. I'm not saying I wouldn't want to marry her, but I'm just not ready for marriage yet- I'm still working on a bachelors degree...