The dumper has chosen to open the lines of communication

[BlueHeavens]

Shock of shocks...

 

Last night, I was checkin' the ole email and lamenting the sad state of personal ads out there when my ex suddenly IM'd me. Now, since he had apparently been blocking me even though I had not contacted him once since he said he needed space, then said he didn't want to date me any more, I could never figure out why he was blocking me...but apparently that has changed.

 

So...he says hi. Then he doesn't really say much. I ask what he wants and he says "I'm sorry things didn't work out". I said, well...what can I say about that? It was your choice...aargh. He says he's been tormenting himself about all of this and I tell him that there is really nothing I can do to help him clear his conscience.

 

He says it was too easy to be in a relationship with me, that real love requires work and sacrifice and crap like that. I say..ok...you find a diamond ring in the grass, and you think it's too easy, right? Can't some things just be easy? And by the way...I didn't think it was so easy. I was constantly trying to figure out what he wanted and to get him to understand what I wanted. He admitted that he had no idea what he wanted, other than "white picket fence normalcy" but then when he got that, and got comfortable, it was still not what he wanted. Sooo confusing.

 

I still feel like he is not telling me something...I asked him about that and he said he'd have to think about it...that he was tired...blah blah (it was late...but then he did start the conversation at 11pm...) He made some offhanded comment about how unfair it is that "bad things happen to good people" and I really didn't know what he was talking about but ...

 

It's weird. I don't know what to make of this. He did say at the beginning of the chat that I could tell him to go to he@! if I wanted to...of course, I told him that I would have already said that if that was how I felt. Any thoughts on how I should proceed?

[Julie McCoy]

You don't say how long ago the two of you broke up but this is rather common behavior from the person who ends the relationship for b.s. reasons and then drops off the face of the earth for a while, leaving the other person hurt and bewildered.

 

I've been through this kind of thing myself, and the best advice I can give you is to never ever forget to put yourself and your needs first in this. And always assess what those are as a function of how you are right now, at this moment, and what you're getting out of it right now, at this moment.

 

Expressions of regret are all well and good but they don't mean a thing. Except that your ex doesn't want you to think he's a bad guy. You could give him that reassurance, and possibly then he'd go away. Don't give it to him if subsequently you'll be eaten up by all the things you wanted to say but didn't because you were trying to show how cool and big you are (possibly hoping to impress him, possibly hoping to make a safe path for him to return to you? Be honest with yourself).

 

If I could go back and redo my interactions with an ex who pulled that kind of nonsense, I think I'd handle it like this: never initiate a round of communication. If he messengers you, reply if you like, but never messenger him first -- even if you said you would (e.g. "can't chat now but will get in touch this afternoon" -- don't get in touch!). Don't initiate an email, only reply (and only if you want to). Make it clear to this guy that while you're not sharpening an axe to go after his head, you're not all that thrilled to be communicating with him.

 

He'll keep on expressing remorse in a passive aggressive way, like what you described. "Oh I wish it hadn't happened that way. Bad things happen to good people." Yawn. How very insincere and meaningless! The only thing you should consider responding to is an apology -- a real apology.

 

It's funny how this has worked for me. Initially I sounded like you do: wary, bemused, slightly irritated. I started out knowing that the ex's paltry regretful noises weren't nearly enough to make things all right between us. But as I made myself available to him, via email, I found he wasn't interested in fully owning up to what he inflicted on me -- but it suddenly became very important to me that did so. Before hearing from him I'd written him off as a jack*ss who only cared about himself. The suggestion that he might actually care enough about me to really want to be on good terms with me activated all my suppressed expectations -- that he would own up to what a mistake he'd made, acknowledge how horrible he was, etc. But as soon as I started expecting he started avoiding. I found myself chasing him for an apology. He'd just wanted a quick in and out "oh, I forgive you Ex, of course you're a terrific guy. I think the world of you," and then to disappear, possibly to never speak with me again (because that's just how it is you know, people just drift apart, nothing you can do about it...), unless he needed something from me. Something in addition to my forgiveness.

 

So I guess I'm advising you to not allow yourself to get your expectations built up. Expect nothing good from your ex and you won't be disappointed. If he's genuinely sorry and truly wants to have some kind of friendship with you, he'll do the necessary work. He'll keep on getting in touch with you. He'll make a real apology even if he's not sure you'll accept it. He'll be thoughtful of you.

 

Even if he is, if you can't deal with him in your life right now, you have every right to say, "I'm sorry but I just don't think this is a good idea. I wish you all the best but at this point I'd prefer to not hear from you. Too much water under the bridge and all that."

[Fancy]

It sounds to me like he was just feeling you out to see if you still care for him. He doesn't sound at all like he's ready to get back together. He was probably just having a lonely night and wanted his ego fed a bit. He was too wishy-washy and had too many outs to be the least bit believable. I wouldn't fall for it if I were you. He has a lot of growing up to do. This guy clearly doesn't know yet what he wants from life.

[BlueHeavens]

Wow. Do you guys know him?! I had a feeling that posting here would help clarifiy what was happening in my mind! He broke up with me about 6 weeks ago but had done a lot of passive aggresive "vandalism" to our relationship before...lots of good stuff too...but the balance left me feeling very insecure and stressed and that's not a place I find comfortable.

 

Putting myself first has been the balm for my soul getting through this. I've been trying to make a habit of pampering myself and knowing when to say "when" without feeling guilty about it, like women tend to do...even if he was interested in getting back together, I am not sure I am because I am not convinced he is willing to do any sort of taking care of me. His ex was very needy emotionally and financially; I am neither. He got lost in that relationship and I am pretty sure he has not recovered.

 

I totally agree that expressions of regret or multiple "I'm sorry's" are not too meaningful unless they are accompanied by some change in behavior. If he continued to repeat the behavior that made him feel the need to apologize in the first place, it makes that apology meaningless. This is a concept that he is having trouble understanding. I told him that I am not going to tell him that how he treated me was OK with me or do anything to reduce his guilt. In fact, his treatment of me caused me to have a pretty low opinion of him right now. If he thinks I am bitter, he's wrong...but I won't sell out my own integrity to soothe his ego. In fact, when he said that I must think he is a jerk, I agreed! He then said, "wonderful!" Which I thought was pretty funny, really.

 

Great advice about keeping my wits about me and not expecting anything. Honestly, just yesterday, I was saying to a friend, I wouldn't take him back if he begged, because I have realized I don't want the kind of relationship that appears to come naturally to him. When he IM'd later, I was just stunned, because it made me realize how much I miss him, even though things are not perfect.

 

You're both totally right...if he's interested, he'll do the work. If he's not, he was just bored and looking for a little ego boost.

 

"He has a lot of growing up to do. This guy clearly doesn't know yet what he wants from life." He's 33. Isn't that sad? But he did make a realization that if he kicks people out of his life that make him feel good (me, I guess) and still misses people who make him feel bad (his previous ex) that he's in for one he$% of a life. And I couldn't agree more. Yargh! Why must they return just when we're starting to breathe normally again?

[Julie McCoy]

glad to be of help, many of us have been there. It sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on things.

 

Can I just take a moment to clarify what I meant by "putting yourself first?"

 

Originally posted by BlueHeavens

Putting myself first has been the balm for my soul getting through this. I've been trying to make a habit of pampering myself and knowing when to say "when" without feeling guilty about it, like women tend to do...even if he was interested in getting back together, I am not sure I am because I am not convinced he is willing to do any sort of taking care of me.

 

It's funny but I hear a lot of women equate "putting themselves first" with "pampering." There seems to be more than just pampering in what you've said, which is good. But I just want to say that when I suggest putting your own needs first, I don't mean going to get a manicure, or allowing yourself to spend a lot of money on a pair of shoes, or whatever "pampering" might mean. Sure, pampering is nice. But that's not how you deal with someone who isn't capable of thinking about anyone but themselves. Putting yourself first is much more difficult and subtle than pampering yourself.

 

What I meant by "putting yourself first" is to not allow yourself to ever excuse anything your ex says or does, for any reason. I think that might be what you're getting at when you say that you know how to say "when" without feeling guilty about it. And I agree with you that it's a real problem that a lot of women fall into: in being sympathetic and understanding, they rationalize what is absolutely unacceptable behavior from others. You know that your ex has repeatedly behaved in a way that is unacceptable. Doesn't matter why he's doing the things he's doing. No matter what his history, no matter what his problems: he has not done well by you. So unless he really is ready to turn over a new leaf -- and the first step would be, I think, admitting specifically what he did to you and why it was wrong -- I don't see that you'd be getting anything worthwhile out of interacting with him. In which case you shouldn't. THAT would be putting yourself and your needs first.

 

Good luck. Definitely don't sacrifice an ounce of your integrity and pride to make things easier for him. He doesn't need things to be easy. Nor does he deserve easy forgiveness.

[Fancy]

The guy is 33 and still behaving this way??????? Run!!!! Run!!!!! You have an overgrown, immature, commitmentphobe on your hands. His chances of evolving into someone you can have a lasting, fulfilling union with are slim to none. I'd be willing to bet money that the first moment you open your heart to him and tell him how you feel or show signs of interest you'll be blocked from IMs again. That's how that kind operate. Trust me on this. I know from which I speak.

 

You're out now. Stay out and thank your lucky stars you've seen him for what he is. Your mind knows exactly what to do. Ignore your heart and listen to your good sense.

[BlueHeavens]

Julie,

 

You're so right. "Taking care of yourself" is a multilayered proposition. I was raised by some seriously people pleasing parents to be a giant people pleaser. For many years, I tried to quickly recognize what (I thought) other people wanted and to supply it for them, not necessarily selling myself out, but always being generous with my time and effort. An example w/ my ex is baking cookies. He always wanted me to bake cookies or brownies for him, and yet when I did, he'd complain about them. Since no one else I know complains about my baking (I am often begged to bake) I was puzzled but now I am thinking there was really something else bothering him.

 

So I have become aware that I am rotten about putting myself first, with everyone-at work, with my family, and apparently my romantic relationships. Becoming aware of this and changing it while reminding myself that I am really not acting like a spoiled diva, just a regular person, is actually going pretty well. I suddenly realized that it's just plain stupid to skip my break and lunch at work because we are busy, when everyone else goes anyway, and the customer doesn't really notice the difference. I told my parents (who are older and need a lot more help than they used to) that there are times when I will not drop everything and come running for their latest "crisis".....

 

In terms of "excusing" things...you're right on the money. I think we're all human...bad things have happened in the past...blah blah... But honestly, my feelings were very hurt when he didn't do a darned thing for my birthday OR valentines day (a silly holiday, but STILL). And other things along those lines... I have realized that he is very self absorbed. I told him what I needed and wanted and he did not do it. Trust me, I am not an unreasonable girl, either.

 

I am going to print this whole thing off and read it. I have had more clarity from writing this out, then reading the comments on this board, and it has helped a lot.

 

I should mention though, when I was really heartbroken, a good massage helped a lot. A nice meal with friends was worth the $. It all felt like pampering...and good for me too. Ya know?

[BlueHeavens]

Fancy,

 

You're rignt. I am pretty sure he is a commitmentphobe, because he is just somehow convinced I think that he doesn't deserve real love. What?!

 

Yeah, 33. What is that! I am realizing that age and maturity don't always go together.

 

He still thinks he needs "training". He didn't really start dating anyone until he was 28. Guess that should have been a red flag.

[Fancy]

Yeah, probably.

[BlueHeavens]

The interesting thing is that his family is really nice--spent lots of time with them--and I can't figure out where he came up with all this crap. I told him when he broke up with me that his fear, and his "walls" were choices he had made in the past, and he could choose to change them of he wanted to. He disagreed, of course. I do think he is stunned that I have made no effort to contact him because apparently that is what has happened in has past relationships. Of course, I reminded him that I am not those other people, and I told him when he broke it off that he would have to be the one to call if anyone was going to.

 

Blah!

 

I'm sorry you know these things from personal experience.

 

By the way, Fancy, I like your avatar. The banana is very...fancy! And funny!

[Dixiecron]

BlueHeavens,

 

Julie McCoy is right I think, the only thing worth responding to is an apology. I think your ex and my ex must have been fraternal twins separated at birth Mine sent a "hope things are going well, good luck on your finals" e-mail earlier this week (only contact of any sort for over three months). Funny thing is that my exams were already finished by the time she sent it. Just another reminder of her cheap talk of the past and empty promises. I didn't bother to respond. Nothing left to say, I guess.

 

As for "training", send him to Virginia and I'll introduce him to some of my former martial arts instructors. They'll get him all "trained up" in no time. Heh. Nothing like getting your butt whipped by a 60 year old Asian guy and then having him tell you "never never complain about your girlfriend's baking".

 

BTW, I think you might find that "putting yourself first" with your parents may even make your relationship with them better in the long run. It has worked for me and mine over the last 8 months or so.

[BlueHeavens]

Dixie...

 

He used to live in Virginia! Maybe I could get him to go back. But then, I'd have to talk to him again...and I'm sure not going to open those lines of communication. Like you guys all said, he is going to have to work a little if he even wants to talk to me. I might have visit VA myself, because I would not mind learning whatever martial art might be appropriate for me. I really appreciate the philosophy behind the martial arts.

 

Isn't it funny how our fraternal twin exs come out of the shadows when we least expect it? I actually think it could have been traumatic had you been stressed in the middle of finals and heard from her then. Ugh! I hope they went well. I remember finals...and I sure don't miss them!

 

As far as putting myself first with the 'rents, I sort of thought about it beause it would help me a bit (maybe a little selfishly), but I also examined my brother's relationship with them, and realized it's what he has done, and they seem to think the sun rises and sets around him. So, I figured it's worth a try...and so far, it's going ok.

 

Thanks for your input. I am just wondering when the next weird little conversation might be.

 

And a completely irreverent remark: I really love the irony of having Julie McCoy, of the wonderful Love Boat (which I have been enjoying on TVLand lately), counseling on matters of the heart. It's beautiful! :-)

[Dixiecron]

BlueHeavens,

 

Well, if he used to live in Virginia then I say good riddance. I don't need any clowns like him in my neck of the woods messing up good women for me.

 

Funny you mention the thing about hearing from her -during- finals. Earlier in the semester I was going to go out for St. Patty's Day drinkies with my best friend and his wife, but my friend (bless his soul) gave me a heads up that the ex was going to show up with her current boytoy (the ex is friends with his wife) so I gracefully bowed out of that one. Found out later on that the ex started a fight with her toy at dinner, and my friend and his wife left early.

 

As for martial arts, from the things you've written and what you do for a living, I would guess that Aikido is your bag. If you ever want to study it, just PM me and I'll send you the names of some good teachers in Chitown.

 

Regarding weird conversations, I actually find the martial art mentality to be a great help. All you have to do is ask yourself whether you actually need to engage in any sort of contact/conflict/communication, whatever. Usually you don't. Things tend to work themselves out without any input of our own, unless you know (at an instinctual level) that something needs to be done. Sun Tzu is some good reading.

[sweetadeline]

BlueHeavens,

 

Was just prowlin' around the forums and saw your recent post, so thought I'd put in my two cents. I agree with what everyone else has said so far. Look at the way he phrased the opening salvo of his "apology": "I'm sorry things didn't work out." "Things?" "Didn't work out?" That's what you say when your summer lemonade stand has to shut down early. As you've already realized, only if he apologizes for specific actions, and articulates why those actions were unfair to you, is he even worth ten minutes of your time.

 

But what creeps me out--okay, that's a little strong; let's say, what annoys me--is that he is asking you to absolve him of his guilt. He seems to feel that simply by confessing, and then showing how tormented he is by his guilt about your relationship (and by life in general), that he will gain your sympathy. He doesn't want to take responsibility; he wants to play the role of someone who is too sensitive and tortured to be held responsible for anything. That's why he doesn't understand when you tell him that he CHOOSES to act and react in certain ways. And that's why your relationship with him could never have worked. He's too adolescent to be able to hang with someone who is clearly a functioning grownup. That also explains why he's still pining for someone who was needy. At some level, he's probably quite insecure, and so can only feel comfortable with someone who is more insecure/needy/adolescent than he is.

 

I laughed out loud, BTW, when I saw that this guy had only started dating someone when he was 28. My ex only started dating someone seriously when he was 27. Separated at birth??

 

Good to see how well you are doing. Your instincts appear to be very good, and you should trust them (would martial arts help with that, I wonder?). I too will be printing out this thread and re-reading it to remind myself not only what sort of treatment to watch out for, but also to pay attention to my own needs.

 

sweetadeline

[BlueHeavens]

Dixie,

 

I seem to remember reading about your St Patrick's Day "near miss". Isn't is great when your friend gives you a heads up like that? I really don't know much about any specific martial art, but I am impressed with the little I have heard about the philosophy/introspection/centering that goes along with it. For that alone, I think learning more might be very good for me. I know this sounds kind of weird, but I like to keep in touch with myself, and my thoughts, instincts, feelings, etc. and that can be tricky to do in our busy worlds. I know people that are so lost from that (my ex included) that I can't imagine it. What makes Aikido stand out from other types of martial arts? Oh, and are you finished with that fancy new degree of yours yet?

 

Sweetadeline,

 

You're so right. "I'm sorry things didn't work out" blah blah blah hit a sour note with me and I couldn't really grasp why until you just nailed it. Hello! It's not a little tiny inconvenience. It's a little bigger than that. For me anyway. I think this whole confession, torture, absolution may have to do with his Catholic upbringing...but that is just a theory, and I don't mean to offend anyone by saying that. I personally do believe strongly in forgiveness, partly because it can be such an important part of the healing process for the forgiver, but I actually suspect he needs more than simple forgiveness. Maybe something along the lines of approval? Not quite sure...but it ain't happening here! With that whole age thing, and waiting so long to date, I made a poor assumption that he was a good guy who waited until he figured himself out before he dated anyone. Boy, was I wrong about that!

 

Totally funny aside~I went to see a friend's band last night with my best friend and her new beau. I was hit on by an extremely hot 25 year old. He had absolutely no idea that I haven't been 25 for a long time. He seemed nice, too, and maybe I'll catch up with him somewhere down the road since he did not pass out from shock when I told him I am 34. Ha! But my sad heart really enjoyed being told I was beautiful AND "cool as he$!" ! :-)

[emeraldcity]

Wow. This is exactly what I am going through at the moment. Heres the story - its been about 10 months since my ex dumped me - giving me bs reasons and then dropping of the face of the earth. About a few months ago, I decided I was ready to break no contact and I sent him a very casual email asking how he was doing.

 

A couple of emails later - and he sends me this absolutely ENORMOUS email filled with apologies - and absolutely brutal honesty about how he felt and his reasons for breaking up with me. It was wierd! He told me how he had just wanted me to disappear - to make things easy for him to move on. He said that he had dumped me because I was feeling somewhat depressed at the time, and he didn't see why he had to stick around through that.

 

After describing how he felt and how he acted toward me - he then said that he was very sorry for what he did, and competely afraid of it ever happening to him!

 

My immediate reaction was annoyance. It seemed obvious that he was trying to absolve his guilt - and was putting me back through everything to do so. So when I replied I simply said "Thanks for you honesty, I don't really feel comfortable talking about my feelings or perspective of things so I'll leave it at that."

 

He replied a week later with "Honestly, I'm surprised I didn't stimulate you into discussion about my behavior but I'm glad I had my say."

 

I don't know what to think or do.

 

What do others think?

[Julie McCoy]

Originally posted by BlueHeavens

 

And a completely irreverent remark: I really love the irony of having Julie McCoy, of the wonderful Love Boat (which I have been enjoying on TVLand lately), counseling on matters of the heart. It's beautiful! :-)

 

Ha ha! Growing up, when Love Boat was actually on the air, Julie McCoy just seemed so perfect and poised. And the seven or eight year old that I was really wanted to have her hair (I actually wasn't allowed to watch LB when it was on the air, but somehow I managed to see it sometimes). But if memory serves, while responsible for making sure things were going smoothly for everyone on board, Julie's own love life often left much to be desired... and sadly, I can relate to that!

 

I personally do believe strongly in forgiveness, partly because it can be such an important part of the healing process for the forgiver, but I actually suspect he needs more than simple forgiveness. Maybe something along the lines of approval?

 

Forgiveness isn't enough, people like that want to rationalize things so that they can say (and get you to agree) that they didn't do wrong in the first place. It was all a function of circumstance, misunderstanding, etc. Being forgiven means that you did something requiring someone's forgiveness. Being forgiven in some sense makes you obliged to them. People like your ex (and a few of mine) don't want to feel obliged to anyone. Their personal narratives are self-serving and convenient: they need to see themselves as good people who don't do bad things. Because if they acknowleged that they'd done wrong in the past, they'd have to consider that they're fallible beings who are possibly doing things right now that they ought to reconsider.

[Julie McCoy]

Originally posted by emeraldcity

 

My immediate reaction was annoyance. It seemed obvious that he was trying to absolve his guilt - and was putting me back through everything to do so. So when I replied I simply said "Thanks for you honesty, I don't really feel comfortable talking about my feelings or perspective of things so I'll leave it at that."

 

He replied a week later with "Honestly, I'm surprised I didn't stimulate you into discussion about my behavior but I'm glad I had my say."

 

I don't know what to think or do.

 

What do others think?

 

To be honest it sounds like your ex, unlike Blueheaven's, is actually being sincere. He was specific about what he regrets, he has given what sounds like a reasoned and plausible description of what he was thinking at the time, and he has indicated that he is willing to discuss things in more detail with you.

 

If you're trying to figure out whether or not he wants to get back together, I'd say it's impossible to tell until you've talked to him. He could just be trying to set things straight, because he's a decent guy who recognizes that even though you two aren't going to be together, you deserve to have an apology from him and a full explanation. Or maybe he's having second thoughts.

 

It's totally your call about whether or not you choose to hear him out. If you're too afraid of opening old wounds and you feel you'll be better off having nothing to do with him, don't get into that discussion. If you want to hear him out, hear him out. Listening doesn't oblige you to agree with him. You're not required to buy his version of events upon hearing them. Maybe he's got a warped interpretation of things that you will find laughable. You can always thank him, tell him you don't share his perspective, and wish him luck in life.

 

In your shoes I think I'd want to hear him out. But that's just me.

[emeraldcity]

The thing is, I didn't even know where to start on a conversation like that. I knew that if I talked about how I felt, and how much he hurt me - it would come up that I'm still not really over him. And thats the last thing I want him to know. I don't want him to know how much he destroyed me, and I don't trust myself to be able to talk to him about it rationally and calmly.

 

It seemed easier to me to just respond politely and nicely to his emails, and just hold him at bay and let him do all the work in whatever it is he is trying to get from me.

 

He said that he wanted to make "amends" with me - but stated explicitly that he hoped that I was over him and very much more interested in other things than what he had to say.

 

Which makes me feel that the only reason he has called upon me is to absolve his guilt.

 

But I still care about him, after all he put me through. I don't want to forgive him - just so he can move on guilt free while I am still standing in one place.

[Dixiecron]

emeraldcity,

 

Whatever you decide to do, I'd say it may be best to wait a little bit until you trust yourself a little more. If you feel like you can't hold off on ripping into someone (no matter how much they deserve it) or letting yourself go, then it may be better to give it more time before you go ahead and talk about it.

 

BlueHeavens,

 

Good friends, real friends, kick ass. This guy is like the older brother I never had. Regarding Aikido, philosophically it is more oriented to a peaceful disposition and not necessarily crippling people. The idea is that you hurt them only as much as they want you to hurt them, if that makes sense. It is not unusual for police and corrections officers to have studied some Aikido or at least know a few of the techniques. If I remember correctly you work in the health care industry, and since you sound like a fairly gentle person, Aikido seems like it would be right up your alley. And it is good for getting inside your own head and soul, which is not wierd at all. I started with Aikido and then did Hapkido for a bit and now study Battodo (Japanese sword). You learn a lot about yourself real fast when two and a half foot razor blades are flying around

 

BTW, I finished my exams last Saturday. Just waiting for my grades to get finalized in the next week or two, then I send my transcript off and should get my paper sometime in June. A few years behind the original schedule but at least I'll have it a few months before my 30th

[BlueHeavens]

Ms McCoy,

 

People like your ex (and a few of mine) don't want to feel obliged to anyone. Their personal narratives are self-serving and convenient: they need to see themselves as good people who don't do bad things.

 

No kidding. Isn't that the truth? When he asked via IM if I thought he was a jerk and I told him I did, and I never had thought I would, he said "wonderful". He has no idea.

 

I remember watching the Love Boat and laughing at my brother as he hid his face under the pillow on the sofa whenever anyone kissed. Too funny!

 

Dixie,

 

You're right. I am a pharmacist. So I am used to taking care of other people and not jeopardizing their health. Of course, that does not mean that I want to be walked on, either...but my reason for interest in a martial art is really the philosophy behind it. If you have input on Chicago area places for Aikido, I'd be interested.

 

Glad to hear that those exams went well. I think getting a degree like that at any stage in life is great; before your 30th must mean you have some real life work experience, too, which is even better. And if you're cooking in the classical French fashion at all...well, bonus for the lucky recipients!