She says she loves me - Why break up?

[trauma04]

Hi there,

 

I guess I only really come to these forums when I'm seeking advice about a relationship and as you can tell by my title, mine turned sour last night.

 

My girlfriend (23y/o) and I (24) had been dating about 7 months until last night when it ended. We are both very stubborn and hard-headed people, often with different views on things, but we normally always respected each other's views and felt that we balanced each other out. I'm a very analytical person, who likes to examine problems and find the root causes in order to fix them. She has self-identified as a more emotional, "I act based on how I feel about situations" kind of personality.

 

We recently (I'd say for about 2 weeks now) been fighting quite a lot over fairly petty things. I've noticed communication start to dip recently as well, as in, I've noticed that she is more hesitant to tell me about the problems in her life and discuss them with me. This sent up red flags for me. Just this past friday, she took a trip to Vermont with two of her friends, and we had planned on hanging out yesterday (Monday) when she got back.

 

Anyway, during the day yesterday, I told her through text that I was glad she was coming over tonight because there were things we needed to talk about. I told her about how I wanted to be the person she could turn to when she needed to talk and I'm not sure what had happened between us to turn us off that kind of relationship that we used to have, but I would be willing to work on whatever it took to be there for her.

 

She proceeded to tell me (over text) that she found it hard to talk to me. She told me of how early on in the relationship (maybe, the first month), she confided in me a very personal confession about her ex-boyfriend. She had broken up with him over two years ago, but continued to sleep with him, even after we began seeing each other. Nothing was official between us, so in my mind, she was within her rights to do so, but I had a very knee-jerk reaction at the time that, im ashamed to say, probably resembled disgust. Immediately after it happened, i realized what I had done and apologized profusely, begging her forgiveness. I told her it was not my place to judge her for her history, and what is done is done. Anyway, after telling me yesterday that she found it hard to talk to me, she told me she would talk to me when she came over that night.

 

Basically, I knew that her "talk" with me tonight, would be a breakup. I spent the rest of the afternoon psyching myself up, in preparation to simply be hard as stone with her and if she wanted to leave, she could leave. The moment I opened my apartment door for her, she kissed me. Absolutely dumbfounded, I gestured for her to have a seat on the couch. We both sat, and she wrapped her hands around my waist and began sobbing. I asked, "what's wrong, sweetheart?" I knew what was wrong.

 

She told me she till loved me, but she didn't think that we would be able to continue seeing each other. She found it hard to talk to me because she felt I would judge anything she told me and attack her for having different values than me. I told her I realized I had been judgmental in the past, but I had been working on it, and she agreed I had improved over time. At this point, she said she didn't know whether she wanted to break up with me or not. She told all her friends and mom that she would when she went to Vermont this past weekend, but she said she didn't want to; she had to. I told her I didn't understand. She told me she really wanted to hug and kiss me. I told her, wouldn't I just be manipulating her heart? If her brain wanted to break up with me, me kissing her would just be delaying the inevitable. She asked again, so I kissed her. She asked me if she could just think about things for the next couple of days before making her decision. I told her, "I have been tortured all afternoon, psyching myself up for this. There is no way I want to extend that torture over the next few days; that's not fair to me. If you're going to break up with me, you should do it now."

 

Two hours, she sat there, talking with me about how she has trouble talking to me about her problems. I told her I would be willing to simply sit there, and listen, and if she'd wish, I would never bring the conversation up ever again and never say a word, judgemental or not. The more I talked to her, the more I seemed to convince her that the relationship had already been soured and there was no way to repair it. I told her, if you don't feel that you can talk to me anymore, and you don't think that working at it with me will solve the problem, then you should break up with me and leave right now -- no need to extend this any further.

 

She did. She went to my room, grabbed her stuff, all the while crying. She came back downstairs and stood in the doorway, told me she loved me, that she'd miss me, and that she didn't want to do this. I told her to take care of herself, and shut the door.

 

I guess I'm looking for you guys to help me understand this breakup. Perhaps it's my male genetics, but how is it possible that someone "love me", "miss me" and be unwilling to work on our problems. To me, it seems like an enormous waste of a relationship. We worked really well together, and the love was apparently mutual. Was all that stuff about not being able to talk to me a canard for problem she just didn't want to discuss with me? Was her telling me she loved me before breaking up with me just an easier way for her to "let me down easy"? Another girl's perpective would be really helpful in deciphering what the hell happened. She told me that breaking up really only crossed her mind on her drive to Vermont a couple days ago.

 

Any help would be appreciated.

 

Tom

[Chi townD]

Well, nothing really to decipher really. She wanted out. You gave it to her. And I think you handled it like a champ. Her saying that the main reason she breaking up with you is because she feels that she can't talk to you about her problems. Well, that's just a BS excuse and certainly not enough to throw away a good and viable relationship for something that is complete fixable with a little counseling. So, don't buy that weakass excuse.

 

I have a feeling that her decision was influenced by outside forces. Someone may have been telling her to dump you. That she's too young to be tied down. Basically, planting GIGS in her head.

 

But, remember! This is what SHE wanted. She made the choice to end the relationship, not you. So, do NOT end up like her Ex and end up being FWB. Start to go No Contact on her (NC). She needs to know that since she made the decision to have you gone, you are actually GONE. You are not available for a shoulder to cry on, to give advice, to make her feel better....none of that. You ended on a good note. No yelling or screaming or any anger. So, she's going to reach out to you very soon. IGNORE HER! Do not answer her calls; let them go to voicemail. Do not answer any of her texts or emails. And the hardest one, BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK! Anything she sends you will be breadcrumbs and you don't have time for that. If she wants to see you, she knows where you live and she would be camped out there waiting for you if it were that important. Do not accept anything less than " I'm sorry, I was wrong. I want to come back and I will do anything to make that happen." ANYTHING ELSE IS BREADCRUMBS!

 

She WILL try to put you in the friend zone. You are not her friend. I'm sure you didn't get into a loving and caring relationship only to take a step back and be nothing more than a friend to her.

 

Hard NC, dude. Time to heal and move on.

[trauma04]

Well, nothing really to decipher really. She wanted out. You gave it to her. And I think you handled it like a champ. Her saying that the main reason she breaking up with you is because she feels that she can't talk to you about her problems. Well, that's just a BS excuse and certainly not enough to throw away a good and viable relationship for something that is complete fixable with a little counseling. So, don't buy that weakass excuse.

 

I have a feeling that her decision was influenced by outside forces. Someone may have been telling her to dump you. That she's too young to be tied down. Basically, planting GIGS in her head.

 

But, remember! This is what SHE wanted. She made the choice to end the relationship, not you. So, do NOT end up like her Ex and end up being FWB. Start to go No Contact on her (NC). She needs to know that since she made the decision to have you gone, you are actually GONE. You are not available for a shoulder to cry on, to give advice, to make her feel better....none of that. You ended on a good note. No yelling or screaming or any anger. So, she's going to reach out to you very soon. IGNORE HER! Do not answer her calls; let them go to voicemail. Do not answer any of her texts or emails. And the hardest one, BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK! Anything she sends you will be breadcrumbs and you don't have time for that. If she wants to see you, she knows where you live and she would be camped out there waiting for you if it were that important. Do not accept anything less than " I'm sorry, I was wrong. I want to come back and I will do anything to make that happen." ANYTHING ELSE IS BREADCRUMBS!

 

She WILL try to put you in the friend zone. You are not her friend. I'm sure you didn't get into a loving and caring relationship only to take a step back and be nothing more than a friend to her.

 

Hard NC, dude. Time to heal and move on.

 

She is extremely close to the two friends she went to Vermont with. In fact, she told me a while ago that if her friends didn't like me, or her friends didn't get along with me, or if I didn't like them, she would break up with me. That they were a package. They lived in another town 3 hours away, so I said, sure whatever. I'd never see them. She even told me that they made important decisions for her in many scenarios, including relationships. I asked her this last night, she said "I asked them, but they told me they would support whatever decision I made." I left it there. She and her mom are very close too, though I was under the impression she liked me...

 

I told her last night that if we were breaking up, it meant I would be cutting her off completely, in order to facilitate my own healing. She told me she understood. I've deleted her number from my phone, all her text messages, and including our chats in WhatsApp. I never really go on Facebook. Unfortunately, if she did call me, I don't know if I could resist answering...

[thefooloftheyear]

Saying "I love you" is only words if there is no meaning. IN your case Id say its only words...

 

TFY

[Chi townD]

They would support her in whatever decision SHE made. Uh huh.....

 

I wonder what was said prior to that. Yeah, I'd say it was outside influences.

 

Dude, if she calls, just let it go to voicemail...listen to it later. Determine if it's breadcrumbs or not. Post about it here. Get some of your OWN outside influences and see if it's worth calling back or not.

[trauma04]

They would support her in whatever decision SHE made. Uh huh.....

 

I wonder what was said prior to that. Yeah, I'd say it was outside influences.

 

Dude, if she calls, just let it go to voicemail...listen to it later. Determine if it's breadcrumbs or not. Post about it here. Get some of your OWN outside influences and see if it's worth calling back or not.

 

Unfortunately, I'm a student on a student's budget. I can't afford caller ID or voicemail. I just answer my phone when it rings or I don't.

 

I'm starting to feel a lot better about the breakup though. I hadn't thought about it, but her friends might have had a hand in it...

 

Do you think there's a way she'd realize this? Maybe I'm hoping for her to realize, "shoot, I didn't choose this, my friends did." She obviously won't hear it from me... nor do I know if it's true. But it sure seems that way.

 

Like I said... This decision to break up seems like such a waste...

[EmptyWalls]

She sounds confused and not quite sure what she wants. Like Chi said little birdies in her ear. Give her some time and space its the only way for her to realize what she had is now gone. If you love something set it free and if it was meant to be it will come back to you. I applaud you handling the break up like a man that right there say so much and will go a long way for you both. Its tough dude and it wont be easy, stay strong and remember she does love you (she says) time for her to show you.

[Chi townD]

Unfortunately, I'm a student on a student's budget. I can't afford caller ID or voicemail. I just answer my phone when it rings or I don't.

 

I'm starting to feel a lot better about the breakup though. I hadn't thought about it, but her friends might have had a hand in it...

 

Do you think there's a way she'd realize this? Maybe I'm hoping for her to realize, "shoot, I didn't choose this, my friends did." She obviously won't hear it from me... nor do I know if it's true. But it sure seems that way.

 

Like I said... This decision to break up seems like such a waste...

 

 

Well, if she realizes that the break up was a mistake, then that's a mistake she has to live with because you don't have to. Perhaps, it might be the wake up call that she needs to finally realize that your friends aren't the bane of your happiness, they share in your happiness.

 

You need to start living your life as if she isn't coming back. Because, chances are, she's not. So, don't fill yourself up with false hope. You need to start making positive changes in your life. If you want to know what you need to do, look up kidinfo1's threads. I post about that in there.

Edited April 23, 2013 by Chi townD

[crederer]

Some girls are messed man. They don't think like guys for the most part. The last girl I was with, we hardly fought at all (just a little bit but nothing crazy), and we had great times for the entirety of the relationship.

 

The last time we hung out before she broke up with me she went on saying how much she loves me and how lucky she is to find a guy that treats her so well and has never had a better boyfriend.

 

Now we've broken up for 2 months and she's started texting and calling me being sad and stuff. She hasn't said if she wants to get back together or anything but sometimes girls just simply think differently. They think completely with their emotions and not necessarily logic (I know this doesn't apply to everyone, but you get the gist of it).

[trauma04]

She sounds confused and not quite sure what she wants. Like Chi said little birdies in her ear. Give her some time and space its the only way for her to realize what she had is now gone. If you love something set it free and if it was meant to be it will come back to you. I applaud you handling the break up like a man that right there say so much and will go a long way for you both. Its tough dude and it wont be easy, stay strong and remember she does love you (she says) time for her to show you.

 

Thanks, I appreciate both your kind words and your sound advice. I suppose I have no other choice other than to let it go. If she realizes that she's thrown away something special, she'll let me know. Otherwise, the worst thing that can come from no contact is that I move on... Although, right now, that seems nearly impossible.

[KathyM]

I'm guessing she really does love you, but realizes you are not a match. Love is not enough to make a relationship work, you need to have compatibility as well, and it sounds like you were not compatible in some areas, and that was a dealbreaker for her. I don't think you were wrong to wonder about her relationship with the ex. If she continued to have sex with him for two years after breaking up with him, you do kind of wonder about her judgement and her self esteem, among other things. I don't know what all was said, or how it was said, but perhaps you are both not a match for each other and your relationship was not meant to be. This may be a good thing that she broke it off if there is a mismatch between you. Sometimes you have to be willing to let go of someone in order to find the person who is a better match for you.