after 5 years... so many memories... an engagement... I think it's over....

[130R]

HI guys, if you guys need to catch up here was my situation...

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/387429-ldr-many-problems-5-years-together-engaged

 

I'm on day 2 no contact...

 

I went on her facebook to snoop what she was up to while we were broken up... she gave me her fb pw because she told me she had nothing to hide...

 

here was her conversation with her ex from seven years ago who treated her so badly and was a straight up loser...

 

ex gf

hey,

I don't hate you anymore.

•

9:56pm

exbf

Hey, thats cool to hear.

Hows adulthood?

•

9:59pm

ex gf

It's actually pretty awesome. You?

•

10:03pm

ex bf

Its been really cool. Its weird hearing from you if you don't mind me saying.

•

10:19pm

ex gf

Yeah I've done a little soul searching and realized I've held onto a lot of ridiculous angst against a lot of people

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." mark twain

•

10:22pm

ex bf

I hear you. I take more things in stride and relax.

What made you wanna message me?

•

10:32pm

ex gf

eh it just had to be done.

i remember you told me you planned whilst showering and the 'no hate' thing came to me today so I had to act on impulse

•

10:34pm

ex bf

Rad. I like that. Man, theres a lot I wanna know about what youve been up to but I don't know where to start.

•

10:37pm

ex gf

I moved 300+ miles away to the sunny central coast, I go to Cal Poly for Landscape architecture...

What've you been up to?

•

10:38pm

ex bf

Ive been painting, got into the local music scene, now planning on moving to Austin.

•

10:39pm

ex gf

that sounds good. ever been to sxsw?

•

10:40pm

ex bf

No, Im totally down though it sounds rad.

•

10:41pm

ex gf

so ive heard!

still dating that girl Ashley?

•

10:42pm

ex bf

Nah.

Are you dating anyone?

•

10:45pm

ex gf

no but that's not why I contacted you

i think she went to my high school but i never got to know her...

•

10:46pm

ex bf

Yeah she did. I think during the same time.

•

10:48pm

ex gf

funny how small the world really is

...i thought you had so much to ask me...?

•

10:49pm

ex bf

I know. Midtowns like that too. Ive been here for awhile.

•

10:49pm

ex gf

lol

•

10:50pm

ex bf

Haha. What music have you been obsessing over since you're in your mid twenties now.

•

10:52pm

ex gf

metric, the lookers...

emily haines, the pixies (thanks to max)

tricot machine, yeah yeah yeahs

etc, etc

you still into punk?

•

10:54pm

ex bf

More into post-punk now like Talking Heads and stuff. Like more artsier punk.

•

10:55pm

ex bf

interesting

•

10:56pm

ex bf

How has dating been?

If you dont mind me asking.

•

10:58pm

ex gf

dated the same guy for 5 years and now it's time to enjoy my mid twenties

i broke up with him and maybe that's why I can see things from your point of view

•

10:59pm

ex bf

Right on.

•

10:59pm

ex gf

yep yep

•

11:00pm

ex bf

What? How so?

•

11:00pm

ex gf

I can see things from the break-uppers pov

how cold hearted you kinda have to be to make sure things don't work themselves out

no offense

•

11:02pm

ex bf

No its cool. I was sort of a dick back then.

•

11:05pm

ex gf

yeah you were

btw, how's the dating scene been for you?

any groupies yet?

•

11:07pm

ex bf

But we were really young and I didnt know really what I was doing.

Yeah I broke up with Ashley and dated. Im moving to Texas for a girl.

•

11:10pm

ex gf

stfu!

are you in nevada right now?

•

11:11pm

ex bf

No. Sac.

•

11:11pm

ex gf

oh for a sec fb said "bridgewater, nv"

????

still that's craaaazy

•

11:11pm

ex bf

Yeah that is weird.

•

11:11pm

ex gf

how long have you been pining for her

?

•

11:14pm

ex bf

But I met her when she lived here and then moved to Austin and we kept in touch. She visited a few times.

•

11:16pm

ex gf

she in a band too?

btw, what do you play?

•

11:17pm

ex bf

I sang a for my friends band Warm Streams.

•

11:21pm

ex gf

I think it's pretty sweet that she means so much to you.

•

11:22pm

ex bf

I'm pretty stoked on it.

•

11:22pm

ex gf

you should be!

btw now it says you're in "manta, ut"

anyways, i've gotta get some sleep...early start tomorrow

•

11:25pm

ex bf

Wanna text me sometime? **********. I wanna talk some more.

•

11:26pm

ex gf

sure

is that the same number?!?

•

11:27pm

ex bf

No! Haha I actually have a cellphone now.

•

11:28pm

ex gf

goddamn times have changed

alright well i'm gonna get going now

bye

•

11:29pm

ex bf

I know yeah. Anyway I wanna catch up more text me soon. Good night.

Sent from Ely, NV

 

 

GOD DAMNIT!!!! I EXPOSED HER TO BANDS LIKE METRIC, YEAH YEAH YEAHS, LOOKER, AND EMILY HAINES. I F***NG CHANGED HER LIFE... FOR THE BETTER!!! OH MY GOD I SACRIFICED SO MUCH OF MY TIME, MY ATTENTION, MY FRIENDSHIPS, RELATIONSHIPS WITH FAMILY... MY MONEY. I TAUGHT THE DAMN GIRL HOW TO DRIVE A CAR, HELPED HER GET A LICENCE....

 

I HELPED GIVE HER A PLACE TO STAY FOR FREE WITH ME FOR TWO YEARS BECAUSE SHE HAD NO MONEY AND COULDN'T LIVE WITH HER PARENTS. I HELPED HER GET BACK ON HER FEET. I HELPED HER GET INTO COLLEGE! A REAL UNIVERSITY COLLEGE!!!!!!!

 

I TRANSFERED TO A DIFFERENT SCHOOL 200 MILES AWAY SO SHE COULD HAVE SPACE TO BREATH

 

I CHANGED MY F***ING LIFE FOR HER AND NOW I'M JUST SOME GUY SHE DATED FOR 5 YEARS WTF!!! I DON'T MEAN ANYTHING? WHAT IS THIS!? I PROPOSED TO HER!!!!!!!!! I WAS GOING TO MARRY HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I DON'T GET IT? WHAT DOES A GUY HAVE TO DO TO KEEP A GIRL? BECAUSE I DID THE BEST I COULD....

 

PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME, I THOUGHT I WAS DOING WELL WITH NC BUT HOLY SH** THIS IS A NEW LOW FOR HER. I FEEL WORTHLESS....

Edited April 23, 2013 by 130R

[130R]

I'm just so emotionally spent....

 

HER EX BF IS HIDEOUS!

 

After reading that.... I don't know if I could ever trust anyone else. Wow this kinda hurts and it all hasn't even sunk in yet.

 

I can't believe I was going to be married to that.

Edited April 23, 2013 by 130R

[130R]

In a way a little part of me is glad I did it. I'm just now seeing her true self coming out.

 

and for the record... about her seeing things from a dumper's POV... her ex bf (THE DUMPER) was still trying to get her back after we started dating.

 

I hope it hurts her worse when she see's I've moved on.

 

I moved mountains for her. what a waste.

Edited April 23, 2013 by 130R

[TearyEyedPride]

Don't think I'm the bad girl... but honestly that didn't seem too bad of an exchange to me. I mean of course you're heartbroken so her casually speaking of you in that way kind of stings, but she's single, she's free and so she really has the right to talk to or reconnect with whomever. And she had nothing to hide. At least they weren't "sexting" lol.

 

But when you snoop, you may find things you don't like. Live YOUR life and let her move on with hers.

[130R]

Teary eyed, The thing that bothers me so much is that I was her ex bf's complete polar opposite.

 

- I spoiled her

- I protected her

- I provided for her

- I was more culturally and ethnically related to her

- Her parents and her whole family approved of me

- I taught her so much

- She became more cultured with me

 

He on the other hand...

 

- had her drop out of her first college

- didn't provide for her

- let her live in shambles

- her parents hated him and his parents and vice versa

- treated her like crap

- exposed her to drugs

 

 

... AND SHE'S GOING TO TALK TO HIM INSTEAD OF ME!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??

Edited April 23, 2013 by 130R

[justwhoiam]

I think you're in trouble. You left the name of the band. And that was a private conversation...

 

Anyway, have you ever seen Notting Hill? He goes on set and overhears something she says about him. Watch the entire movie.

 

It's clear she didn't want to disclose details about the 5 years with you.

 

Anyway, I don't think her decision has anything to do with you personally. She clearly was too young to commit, not in general, rather for her type of personality. She was honest in letting you go.

 

Now don't regret about all the time you spent together. There are people breaking up after 20 years, in your case it's just 5 years. Keep the no contact now. She should give you the ring back, because that was only for marriage. And she changed her mind.

 

Go out and meet other girls. You'll find your soulmate.

[tuxedo cat]

I'm a bit confused. Did you do something to really hurt her? Why did she start with, "I don't hate you anymore."

 

Anyway, my impression from reading the exchange is that she's kind of cold and that she resents you for some reason because she is definitely trying to push your buttons. She also sounds rather immature.

[iouaname]

I'm a bit confused. Did you do something to really hurt her? Why did she start with, "I don't hate you anymore."

 

Anyway, my impression from reading the exchange is that she's kind of cold and that she resents you for some reason because she is definitely trying to push your buttons. She also sounds rather immature.

 

You misunderstood. That was a discussion between his ex girlfriend and her ex boyfriend, not him and his ex-girlfriend.

 

130R - I understand that you want to read the messages, but at the end of the day they will only keep you stuck in the past. If you want to get better and move on, you have to put her in the past and try to move forward...

[Chi townD]

Who the hell says "rad" anymore?

 

Well, from the text exchange, it sounds like the ExBF did a pretty good job of blowing her off. Telling her he's moving to be with a girl in Austin and I LOVED how she responded to his question "No, I'm not dating, but that isn't the reason why I'm contacting you" yet, the rest of the conversation was pretty much nothing BUT each others dating life.

 

She was putting out feeler's and the more she didn't get back the more she pushed for it.

 

Time to heal and move on. She was right about one thing. You're in your mid twenties. Time to go out and explore the world and do crazy stuff before you get too old and crazy stuff hurts after a while.

[130R]

one thing that I keep thinking about is our last conversation...

 

she said: "When my absence doesn’t alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it."

 

I also asked if there was any way for me to win back her heart? and she said: "That you graduate."

 

 

Should I still have hope? Does she have gigs?

 

Does she want to see a change in my life so great that I win her back?

Edited April 23, 2013 by 130R

[Chi townD]

"that you graduate" Yeah....okay, Yoda.

 

Dude, she dumped you. SHE'S the one that needs to win YOU back. Not the other way around.

 

Dude, she dumped you. So, she made the choice to have you out of her life. She didn't fight for you or the relationship. She didn't tell you how she was feeling or that there was a problem that the both of you needed to work on together. She just cut you loose. She didn't value enough to work on it. And she thinks that her life is going to be better without you in it. So, you give her EXACTLY what she wants. You should be dead to her, and she should be dead to you.

 

So, time to heal and move on. Yeah, 5 years is a long time. But, you don't need to waste another second on someone that doesn't want to be with you, or value you enough to keep you. Dude, you have to look at it this way. You are one heartbreak away from being with the person you are truely meant to be with.

 

This girl isn't it. So, time to heal and move on. The best revenge you can get is to lead a DAMN good and full life. Start making positive changes in your life.

[130R]

I know she's leaving this Thursday to go to a wedding back in our home town. which means the apt where we both stayed will be free and open to me to get my things and leave undetected.

 

All I really want is my road bike that I left there to remind her of me...

 

3/4 of the belongings in that apt. belong to me. I don't understand how she can use most of my things, sleep in my bedsheets, do homework on my desk... cook food from my pots and pans...

 

AND TREAT ME LIKE THIS!! god... what a piece of work..

 

should I get my bike, leave her the rest of my belongings that she uses and leave a note saying goodbye?

 

I think this is the best thing for me to do so I can stay NC and move on with my life.

 

My friends say that if I go there to get my things while she is there, her feelings might come back and she may want to reconcile.

Edited April 24, 2013 by 130R

[ThatJustHappened]

I don't understand what was so horrible about that conversation other than the fact that it made her seem a little pathetic. She was clearly looking for an ego boost from her ex and she didn't get it. She seemed like she was covering her embarrassment more than anything else.

 

She didn't say anything bad about you OP. She sounded like a perfectly normal girl who was in a relationship but wasn't ready to commit. I'm sorry she hurt you but you are in the wrong here, not her. You should tell her that you still have her password so she can change it and you're not tempted to snoop anymore. You had no right to see that conversation.

[130R]

Your friends are clueless.

 

I'm going to tell you the secret and it's so good... It accomplishes two things at once and there isn't a single downside.

 

What are the two things it accomplishes?

 

It is the best thing you can do for yourself and also happens to be the very best thing you can do if you want the best chance for a reconciliation with your Ex.

 

What is it?

 

Accept / Respect her decision and give her the gift of missing you.

 

Believe it or not, it's that simple.

 

So, I should go this weekend while she is away to get my stuff and get out of there?

[Chi townD]

So, I should go this weekend while she is away to get my stuff and get out of there?

 

 

YES!!! Get your stuff and I mean ALL OF YOUR STUFF! You are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend and that's your sh*t, so go get your property. I mean, in this economy, do you want to spend the money to replace all of that stuff?

[130R]

Yeah. I know. I want to do it so I don't have to see her or talk to her. It hurts so much when I even think of her... how cold she has been to me for the past 10 days... what we had and what we planned for our future to be like....

 

This morning I get a text from her.

 

"I think I need to talk to you to finalize everything but I don't know if you're ready. Are you?"

 

I'm panicking a little bit... my heart is pounding and I don't know what to say....

 

HELP!!!

Edited April 24, 2013 by 130R

[Chi townD]

Relax dude! You already have a game plan to finalize things for yourself. You go to the place when she's gone and get your stuff. If there's bills or money you owe her for anything, just leave it on the Kitchen table with a note stating that, that's the money you owe her for...whatever. The utilities are now in her name, cable, phone....blah....blah.... and then finally, leave the key!

 

There ya are! Finalized!

 

and on your terms.

[130R]

I just want to go back, get a couple things (my bike, her engagement ring, some clothes) that belong to me that I left with her when we lived together. There is A LOT that I provided for her when we were together. Getting everything back is kind of pointless because I'll be stuck with things that remind me of her and an excess amount of junk I'll never use.

 

No Contact has been helping me with the grieving process. I am eager to move on with my life. My mindset at this point is that I don't want to contact someone who has given me so much pain. Don't get me wrong... I still love the girl and hope she comes running back into my arms... but it hurts too much to see her right now.

 

I still have the key to our old place. I just want to get in, get out. I want to leave whatever I don't need... let her deal with it.

 

I want to leave her one last note: You owe me nothing. I will always love you. Goodbye.

 

hopefully afterwards she will start to realize what she's done.

 

 

 

Calm down and take a few breaths.

 

Due to the fact you two lived together, are there things that need to be finalized?

 

If yes, man up and handle it dignity and respect.

 

If not, then decide if you want wrap up any loose ends between the two of you or not. Either way you go, you will be fine.

 

If you need to settle final arrangements due to you living together or you want to meet and wrap up loose ends between you two... Let us know and we can you some advice / pointers on what to do / not what to do.

[130R]

Guys it's been more than a week since I said I was going to get my things from our old apt.

 

After a lot of thinking and talking to friends, I decided to not get my things. My reasons were:

 

1.) I didn't want her to think that the most important things to me were material things. or that they mattered more to me than she ever did.

2.) My friends say that many relationships that have stood the test of time have had rough patches where both need space and time to "miss" one another. I think this may be one of those times. My hope is that she'll look around and see how much I did for her and have a "realization".

3.) I'm in the middle of the quarter at school and can't really deal with the emotional fallout I may have if I have to deal with finalizing a relationship that meant so much to me.

 

I'm so confused. I feel fear for the future when I know I shouldn't. I've been going out during the weekends and have been forging better relationships with friends in the 3 weeks of NC with my ex. However It still hurts at night before I go to sleep and when I wake up. My sleeping pattern and overall balance in my life has been shaken. I felt so safe, secure, happy with this person.... and now I feel like an empty shell. I try to get out there to make myself happy like working out, going out to bars, shopping, partying, spoiling myself a bit... I get wasted every weekend hoping to have a little fun, but I always relapse and miss her even more. I didn't go party, go bar hopping, get wasted, etc when I was with her. I was a gentleman to her, treated her with respect and never got wasted or rowdy. I never was that bf she had to take care of , or have to deal with.

 

I just can't be happy and I don't know why...

Edited May 6, 2013 by 130R

[aisuru]

You're a fool.

 

Basically, you're hoping that by forcing her to do the belongings exchange in person will change her mind.

 

Be a man. Be a bigger man.

 

My ex broke up with me over the phone in a 5 minute conversation 3,000 miles away. Even I slipped over and exchanged our belongings while he was still out of town.

 

Trust me, exchange the stuff when she is not around. If she has any heart it will bother her.

 

Shall I tell you the story of coming home one day years ago to find my live in boyfriend had removed his belongings while I was at work? Even though I was no longer with him, it hit me much harder than if I'd been in control of when he removed him stuff.

 

Yeah.... just remove your stuff. You're just trying to manipulate this.

 

I don't get this decision of yours.

[lonewalker]

I think sometimes people need bitter pills to face reality.

 

I too lingered with hope that she feels for me. If u r unsure at this moment, it means u wikk lingers with regret if u didnt follow ur heart.

 

It sounds stupid for most of us but i feel u should do what u think it is needed for a second chance or closure.

 

If she still lingers for u, find a solution to work things out. If she doesnt, at least u can tell urself its finally over and start real healing.

 

A renewed and complete closure in ur heart will hurt less than a no contact that still ask the questions of what ifs.

Edited May 6, 2013 by lonewalker