LTR down the drain.

[EmptyWalls]

First off let me thank everyone on this site for their thoughts, time, advice, the experiences you went through and shared with us. That alone has helped me in so many ways. To feel that im not alone and the pain is natural. I was reluctant to post my experience but I felt I needed to, just to maybe help heal someone else as others experiences are helping to heal me. I was in a long term relationship, we had known each other for 7 years, together for 6 and lived together for 4.

 

 

 

She was 18 when we got together and I was 20, we are now 24 and 26. This was the first serious relationship for both of us, we hit it off right from the beginning and things were great we didn’t even have to say anything around each other, we would just laugh at nothing and enjoy the moment. It was difficult at first when dating because we lived in different cities but I would make the drive to get her and come back to the main city to do things, go out, etc. Her parents were very strict and made it tough at times but we made it through, I know her home life was really a unhappy one and when we moved in together, things were great. I worked full time and she went to school to get her degree while working a little bit part time.

 

 

 

I would say problems didn’t really occur until we lived together. You really get to know someone by living with them but we were happy, sure we had our ups and downs, but nothing serious. We both were always glad we had each other. In my eyes I see it like this we were your happy average couple, people called us an old married couple, we were engaged but not ready to get married until after she finished school. I wanted to go back to school but at the time I was working supporting us and we had discussed once she gets done and finds a good job ill go back and get my degree. We talked of marriage, children, hopes, dreams, spending the rest of our lives together.

 

 

 

I would say things started to go downhill about a year ago, we tried to figure out what it was maybe she had just lost that attraction or maybe got bored. The sex had stopped, hugs and kisses were short and non intimate on her part. We both thought maybe it was her birth control so she got off cause she had been on it for 5 years. The first year of our relationship we didn’t have sex, just an agreement we made, both of us were virgins and each others first. Things didn’t improve and I tried so hard to make things better, romantic evenings, candle light dinners, music.

 

 

 

For months and months of just trying to sweep her off her feet again led to nothing. I kept asking her “whats wrong? Talk to me.” I would get “I don’t know”. Well about 3 months ago I found some disturbing things on the computer, she was on dating sites, talking to other men, maybe seeing them im not positive and cant say for sure. She had been talking to one since June of 2012. My heart just sank and I felt so betrayed and hurt. This woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with, I supported, trusted and loved more than anyone in the whole word, had hurt me more than anyone ever has.

 

 

 

I didn’t know what to do… to think. I pulled my self together cooked dinner as usual that night, lit candles, put on some of “our” music. Her plate was ready when she got home, she showered, ate, then went and got on the computer, the normal reaction I got from trying to be romantic. Except this time I knew what she was getting on there for. Haha I noticed how she would switch screens when I would come into the room but never thought much of it until this night because I knew why. So I cleaned up dinner, put the food away, washed the dishes, etc. Then I sat down and asked to talk with her for a minute and she said “ok whats up?”. I asked her why she had a profile on a dating site. She looked shocked and said “I don’t know, just to get to know other people.” I said “ok that’s fine, but it’s a dating site, what are you hoping to find or what are you looking for?” she said “I don’t know.” Long story short she said she loves me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. I had never felt so distant from her than I did that night as soon as I asked those questions and talked to her about what I had found whatever person I thought I knew vanished that night.

 

 

She went cold and said she wanted to break up, I told her just to talk to me we can work through this don’t give up on 6 years. She was very confused that night, I told her to think about it and sleep on it, if she wanted to talk I was there. She decided to call things off and I did all the mistakes everyone on here seemed to do, begged, cried, you name it, I was so upset and angry. It took me awhile to get back to sanity. I eventually told her that I didn’t want to lose her but I loved her enough to respect her decision and I let her go. We lived together about a little over a month after the break up until she could find a place to stay and that sucked. But we fooled around a couple of times “sexually” during that time period and she was very much into it but I couldn’t handle it emotionally so I stopped. She moved out and I helped her (yeah I know). I cut contact except for when I “have to” respond. But I keep it short and simple.

 

 

 

I do miss her a lot or I miss the person she was, not so much the person she is becoming. Shes is the last thing I think of when I go to sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake. Its tough having someone there to wake up next to every morning and lay down with every night then poof they're gone. These walls seems so empty, life seems not worth living, colors are dull, and the days seem to blend together. Im trying to come out of this and concentrate on school and work and things I want to do, is it easy? No. Do I want my love back? Yes. Im trying to stay positive but everyday is a struggle and has been for months now. I do hope shes happy and she will find someone that loves her as much as I do but I doubt it.

 

 

 

Im not perfect and I make mistakes and I think a big part of the break up was when I got laid off from my job, things were not so bad cause I had money saved and I used someto pay the bills and did whatever work came my way, but we had to cut back on some expenses and do whatever it took to get by. I went back to work full time but it was a tough time to be laid off (around Christmas) and I don’t think it made things better. I know me not having a degree bothered her as well but I wanted to go back to school and we discussed that. Im still pursuing my goals and dreams and I wish that she could be part of that and support it, as I did her she is almost done with school now. She did admit that she wasnt going to tell me about all this until she was done with school. I do feel as if I was used at a certain point. The guy shes talking to now over the internet is the same guy she has been talking to since June of last year. She hasnt met him but buys him things and skypes and buys sexy outfits for him, amongst other sex things. Its a lot to swallow at times but I will never truly understand whats going on, I just have to move on. Since we broke up she calls and texts with things she needs help with. Ive helped her with some but had to stop and cut contact. Maybe she using me or maybe she dont even see whats shes doing its just her natural instinct to turn to me. I still have hope she will come back but I know I must move on, its a tough road to travel.

 

 

 

The Grass is Greener thread posted by homebrew described and almost got it down to the tee of the things I went through and the actions she displayed. It helped a lot and I recommend reading through it for anyone who has been dumped, I still read everyday. Thanks for taking the time to read and letting me share, good luck to all!

[number122]

Same thing happened to me. (Except that we didn't live together) I feel your pain, but the best thing is right now is to go NC. Don't help her at all, don't respond at all. Don't stroke her ego. She used you in a very rude way.

 

My ex was the same. Reactions are the same. Answers all the same. Where have I heard this one sentence, I don't know, but it's true:

 

Women lives in the 'now'. Now she doesn't love you anymore, has another guy. The past doesn't matter to her. Yes, that six year you spent carefully manageging your relationship means (almost) nothing to her.

 

She will NOT come back. Forget that.

 

You are slowly, but surely healing. I can tell, because I'm at that phase too. Keeping full NC will help, trust me. I hope you will find someone worthy in the future. Don't lose hope. Learn from this relationship. So the next one will be better.

[Lostint]

Wow, reading this was so painful. You've been put through a horrible story, I'm so sorry. I hate to say it but I don't think there is anything you can do to salvage this - it sounds like this girl is a child, and is just way too immature to be in a long-term committed relationship. She has unfortunately used you and treated you badly, although I'm sure that she never intended you any harm, it sounds like she is just way too absorbed in herself to appreciate all that you have done for her.

 

A lot of your pain probably comes from the loss not only of all the memories you shared, but also of the future you had imagined together. You need to give yourself time to grieve both. What you're going through is just as bad as the death of a loved one.

 

When you feel a bit stronger, you might want to consider moving to a new apartment and taking up some new activities. I have found that after a tough break up, you almost need to reinvent yourself and define for yourself a new identity that doesn't involve your ex. When you keep thinking of yourself in the context of your relationship, it is very hard to move on and recover your self-esteem. So much of how we feel about ourselves is wrapped up in our relationships ("this person really GOT me, she understood me, etc"). This type of thinking makes things worse, because it is so hard on our self-esteem that the person who knew us so well doesnt want us. You need to remember who you are outside of the relationship and remember that many people value you (your friends, your family, your colleagues).

 

I hope you start to feel better. You sound like a great guy and I'm sure you'll meet somebody who will never want to let you go.

[sb129]

You sound like a nice guy who has been hurt by a girl who is still figuring out who she is and what she wants from life.

 

Sometimes as we grow older and mature, some relationships can't last the distance for whatever reason.

 

She was young when you guys got together, and is still relatively young now. She is most likely dazzled by the candy shop aspect of online dating and it sounds like she is too immature to consider settling down with anyone at this stage.

 

I know it really hurts- but situations like this can benefit us in the long term.

 

I had a string of failed relationships in my twenties- a couple of them were very painful, and left me wondering if I would ever meet someone "normal" and settle down.

 

In the end the experiences helped me work out what I wanted from a R, and what I wanted from a partner, and what I wouldn't tolerate.

 

So by the time I met my husband, everything just clicked into place, and we were happy right from the beginning. Still are.

 

Time is a great healer, and there will be someone amazing out there for you.

All the best.

[EmptyWalls]

Thank you all for the responses and understanding. I am getting out of this place soon, just to many memories. Almost everything you all said I have said to my self a thousand times again and again. I am at these crossroads where we make the choice to move on or suffer. I have made the choice to move on but at the same time I am still dragging this hope, love and carrying that torch, I just cant seem to let go of it all. I eventually will because its just to heavy of a burden on my emotions. I do feel sorry for her because she has no one except maybe her mom and well thats not much to put it in a nice manner. The rest of her family just.... dont care, never have. I still have my family yes and they are in pain too. She was part of the family she was a daughter, sister, aunt they all loved her and now they miss her as well. You're right she didnt realize what she had... maybe one day she will. I just hope its not to late. Im still in NC but hit my reset button by looking up something I didnt want to see I knew it was wrong and did it anyway. Heh its amazing after everything shes put me through I still love her and care about her safety and hope shes happy, even if it makes me miserable. No sleep tonight! Thanks again for the responses guys/gals it means more to me right now than you know.

[EmptyWalls]

Was having lunch today and heard one of "our" songs come over the intercom. Extreme - More than words. I simply heard it, told the people I was with "Oh... awesome song" then its like someone came up and punched me in the heart. I tried holding back with everything I had but just could not hold it in. I had to get up and leave instead of dragging everyone down. Feels like im back at day one now, the guy shes been talking to online since june shes going to see him this coming month, hes in another state btw. That's what I didn't need to know in my above post. Still hung up it seems...... Shes putting in all this time and effort for someone she hasn't even came face to face with. I know shes putting this guy on a pedestal and will only be a disappointment to her when he falls off. Lets try this again, have to let go sometime.

[sb129]

Give yourself a break- you were together for 7 years, its going to take a while for all that hurt and pain to dissipate.

 

It WILL, I promise. Be kind to yourself while you get there though.

 

And don't put too much significance on music (I know its hard) when that song first came out I was a hormonal teenager who spent a few hours crying to it, now I just cringe that I could have placed such significance on a song by two guys with such terrible HAIR! And bandanas!

[EmptyWalls]

Well I was in NC for 2 weeks straight and last night I was going to heading out to have drinks with a buddy, I come down stairs and I see her pass by the apartment, I get in my truck and she pulls up behind me blocking me in. I get out and ask her what can I do for her? She asks me why haven't I been taking any of her calls or texts? I said I got your calls and texts but its better for me right now that I just don't have any contact with you. I don't mean to hurt you in any way and im not mad, its just what I need for me. Says she didn't know if I had abandoned the apartment and left it all on her or what (we both are on the lease). I told her no I wouldn't do that. I told her when she moved out that if anything went wrong at this place or any important mail came I would let her know.

So i gave her some junk mail that came and she asked me yet again about the cat I got her during the relationship (because her other cat died that she had for 13 years). She asked me this question awhile back before I went no contact, if I would take the cat if it did not get along with her moms pets? I told her the place I will be staying at the owner does not allow pets. She asks me if there is anyone I know that would want him? I said not that I can think of. She said she would hate for him to get put down. I said well why not just make him a outside cat and see how that works, he still has is claws and such and its better than putting him down. He loves you and we have had him for over 3 years. She said she will try that.

I told her to take care of herself and have a safe night, as I was walking away she asked where I was going. I told her well "Out, getting out of house for a little bit" and got in the truck and left. She sent me a couple texts later that night saying "sorry to drop in on you but I didnt know what to think, I understand you need distance, but we still have to communicate a little until this lease is up, thanks for talking with me, good night".

Im going back to NC. She was very nice and her attitude had changed from the last time we spoke but so had mine. I had a feeling she might drop by and prepared my self for it, keep it short simple. Im not really sure what to feel at this point, I was happy to see her I wanted to sweep her up in my arms and give her a big hug and kiss but I didn't. I stayed cold and strong. It has hit my reset button to a certain point though and it feels awful. In her text and calls though she said nothing about what was troubling her, just why wouldn't I respond to her we had not talked in forever, what could I possibly be mad at her for, she had a question to ask me. But never asked the question or left a voice mail. Sucks, barely slept last night.

[number122]

Wow...that's gotta hurt. Mine wrote an e-mail, but that was two weeks ago, since then she didn't contact me. I don't know which one is worse. The simple fact that our rs was didn't worth much in her eyes (doesn't really care that it's over) or that in her mind the rs was already over months ago.

 

Not that I have the chance to meet with her, because I'm abroad. Although I can understand you a little. Sometimes I see fb posts/twitts that she's having fun with others, making plans and such like I was never with her to begin with. So seeing even just her name still shakes me hard. I hate this...

[EmptyWalls]

I hear ya my guy, almost its like it never existed. Well shes fooling herself, but I dont believe shes not in pain, maybe not as much as you are but still there is some level of pain in her. I know there is in mine. I've known her long enough to where I could tell but it also could be what im wanting to tell myself. Abroad nice.... ill be glad when i am out of here, she dont know the new place is im going to be staying at so no chance of her coming around. Dude unfollow her on twitter and block facebook. I kept going on her page to see what she was posting and up to and I got to say avoiding facebook all together has done worlds for me, **** was killing me. I beat myself down today (heard couple of our songs on the radio) strictly mp3 player now. Stay strong, good luck to us both.

[Am4Real]

Hello.

 

Your story is one filled with pain. Deception, lies and emotional “cheating” will hit you at the core. It’s the ugly side of human relationships, I’m afraid. I am truly and deeply sorry for your situation.

 

You have received some good advice and well wishes from terrific posters so none of that needs repeating. You also seem to understand the gravity of what is occurring, all that is, and have joined LS to combat internal emotions and seek support from others. Welcome!

 

From my perspective and as SB129 elaborated on somewhat, relationships occurring during our twenty-something years are pretty much learning experiences. Some make it; most do not. For woman the transition through the age of 21, 25 and then again at 30 are especially trying and you are experiencing the second of those sequential changes. For men, they tend to face their inner-most challenges around 35 and then again at 40. It’s not science by any means and not a rule; we just see a great number of posters with stories occurring around those age milestones.

 

You can’t argue the statement “we all change and grow”; some of us need to grow inside of a relationship while others look outside for such development.

 

You are right in classifying your girlfriend with GIGs from what you describe. She is searching for something she does not have. It might be you, however it really might be an unknown she is not understanding or something she is not sure of admitting to either you or herself. It doesn’t matter at the moment because she is not asking you for help – she seems to want to search for it alone.

 

You have analyzed the situation with great maturity – bravo to you!

 

You are giving her space and the inconsequential meeting you had with her initiating contact in person was handled with dignity, care, maturity and direct instructions to her. Again bravo!

 

From here one does not know what will happen or what will happen to her. However, you have correctly identified yourself as the one and the only one you need to take care of (not even her cat, lol, gets priorities) and know this: we are all here to support you in any way we can. Post as you need and want to.

 

Again, welcome to LS and I am truly sorry for the pain that brought you here.

 

 

Well I was in NC for 2 weeks straight and last night I was going to heading out to have drinks with a buddy, I come down stairs and I see her pass by the apartment, I get in my truck and she pulls up behind me blocking me in. I get out and ask her what can I do for her? She asks me why haven't I been taking any of her calls or texts? I said I got your calls and texts but its better for me right now that I just don't have any contact with you. I don't mean to hurt you in any way and im not mad, its just what I need for me.

Edited April 24, 2013 by Am4Real

[EmptyWalls]

Hello.

 

Your story is one filled with pain. Deception, lies and emotional “cheating” will hit you at the core. It’s the ugly side of human relationships, I’m afraid. I am truly and deeply sorry for your situation.

 

You have received some good advice and well wishes from terrific posters so none of that needs repeating. You also seem to understand the gravity of what is occurring, all that is, and have joined LS to combat internal emotions and seek support from others. Welcome!

 

From my perspective and as SB129 elaborated on somewhat, relationships occurring during our twenty-something years are pretty much learning experiences. Some make it; most do not. For woman the transition through the age of 21, 25 and then again at 30 are especially trying and you are experiencing the second of those sequential changes. For men, they tend to face their inner-most challenges around 35 and then again at 40. It’s not science by any means and not a rule; we just see a great number of posters with stories occurring around those age milestones.

 

You can’t argue the statement “we all change and grow”; some of us need to grow inside of a relationship while others look outside for such development.

 

You are right in classifying your girlfriend with GIGs from what you describe. She is searching for something she does not have. It might be you, however it really might be an unknown she is not understanding or something she is not sure of admitting to either you or herself. It doesn’t matter at the moment because she is not asking you for help – she seems to want to search for it alone.

 

You have analyzed the situation with great maturity – bravo to you!

 

You are giving her space and the inconsequential meeting you had with her initiating contact in person was handled with dignity, care, maturity and direct instructions to her. Again bravo!

 

From here one does not know what will happen or what will happen to her. However, you have correctly identified yourself as the one and the only one you need to take care of (not even her cat, lol, gets priorities) and know this: we are all here to support you in any way we can. Post as you need and want to.

 

Again, welcome to LS and I am truly sorry for the pain that brought you here.

Thanks for the warm welcome as well as your reply and view on the situation. I admit at first I did not handle it with such calmness and maturity and for that I kick my self in the butt, but after about a week I regained my sanity although still crushed. You speak the truth! I hate that she was not strong enough to go through this transition with me and yes we never know what going to happen in the future. I haven't given up on her completely just have not made her a priority in my life anymore. I did for 6 years and look where that landed me. I instead need to not necessarily right the wrongs in my life but more of make things better and concentrate on things I need to do that i have put off for to long. As I said everyday is still a struggle but im making it through and try to stay positive but I still miss her deeply. You never know what the future holds but one way or another I know it will be alright. I hope and wish her all the best and hope she truly does find happiness as well. She did tell me before she left "people do not change" im still confused why she believes this to be true.

Edited April 24, 2013 by EmptyWalls

[maiden555]

This might not sound like much consolation but you sound incredibly mature and rational. I don't know anyone, myself included, who could stumble on what you did and then have enough composure to ask her about it calmly, and THEN suggest working things out. Plus the fact that you tried to put the magic back in your relationship. She sounds like she really doesn't deserve you or, best case scenario, the timing is really bad and its GIGS.

Just know that so many girls would be so happy to have someone like you as a partner and you deserve someone who appreciates all that you do. I know it's really hard but be strong.

[EmptyWalls]

This might not sound like much consolation but you sound incredibly mature and rational. I don't know anyone, myself included, who could stumble on what you did and then have enough composure to ask her about it calmly, and THEN suggest working things out. Plus the fact that you tried to put the magic back in your relationship. She sounds like she really doesn't deserve you or, best case scenario, the timing is really bad and its GIGS.

Just know that so many girls would be so happy to have someone like you as a partner and you deserve someone who appreciates all that you do. I know it's really hard but be strong.

Thank you so much for that! It is consolation so you know but rather its a post on here or words straight from someones mouth, it helps. I hope to find that special female that I can treat the way I treated her but right now it feels impossible. I don't know why I did all the things I did for her after she ripped my heart out. Haven't met a person yet that calls me im a fool. But they do understand and I tell them I was just doing anything I could to be there for her. I don't regret doing them, but I know I didn't get any appreciation.

 

I just found out last night through a friend she's in a relationship with a "great guy" from her words. It is the guy she was talking to online and is going to meet this coming month. People say that should be all I need to know and I have my closure. But nothing is ever as it seems, things are not always as we perceive them to be. It makes me miss her even more and the love I have for her is stronger than ever. I even ask my self wtf is wrong with me? I keep no contact and live my life day by day.

 

I will never have closure unless it comes straight from her mouth and im afraid even if then it wont be enough. Walking out on 7 years should of been enough to tell me, the pain, heartache, and stress Im going through should be plenty to say "let go". But I can't... even as much as I tell my self I can. Friend of mine asked me what was it going to take? For her to go through this guy and 5 more relationships then come back to me? All I could say was maybe. I must go on I know and do things that are right for me. Love my self and concentrate on healing and being a better person. If she truly does find happiness with this guy... I'll be happy for her.