NO CONTACT success in progress!

[itto ogami]

Since I've been lurking and advising, I thought it only fair to post my official story of being dumped and the resulting NO CONTACT benefits, along with my general sense of what this all means and how it might help some of you.

 

In a nutshell, I'm an older man (40) and I ended up involved with the waitress (22) at my local watering hole last fall - she was engaged when I met her and I had no designs on her when I found out. But we were definitely attracted to each other and i noticed how much she made it a point to talk to me at work and then tell me brief snippets of how things were not going great with her fiance. I sensed she was too young to settle and wanted to sow oats. And I got the sense they were my oats. Yes, SHARP CURVES AHEAD.

 

Long story short, she made it a strong point to go to one of my local shows (I'm a musician) despite her fiance not wanting her to go. I felt she was being a naive by not getting why he didn't want her to go considering her very high level of flirtatiousness with me (which at this point included lingering hugs and body brush ups). I didn't feel great about the fiance situation, but I didn't feel that i was the cause nor was I pushing for anything. But I am weak.

 

So she came to my show -- with her fiancé who split shortly after -- and we proceeded to fool around after the gig. She told me they were breaking up and so I didn't feel so bad, though I did immediately think, "If this is what she's doing to her fiance and so-called best friend - she'll crush me later."

 

So we had a five month crazy fling and she did finaly leave her fiancé, but not before he had repeatedly called and texted me after finding our texts ad even FB messages. I kept telling her to keep her phone and FB from her fiance, but it kept happening to the point where I realized she was doing this intentionally to either force him to walk away or worse, create drama. I would even run into him at her bar when she "forgot" to tell me he was coming by. This happened THREE times. And I told her she better not be trying to get some kind of confrontation between us. She claimed she didn't want that at all.

 

Now of course, she said she didn't want to be in a "relationship," which I accepted under the circumstances. I was easygoing about all of it, except for the rising feeling that she was playing serious games with the men in her life. A male friend came to visit and her fiance caught them "spooning." I couldn't believe it and started to feel sorry for her fiance for the first time. I asked her why is she cuddling with somebody while having sex with me? She denied any intimacy (which I'm not dumb enough to believe but I let her get away with it.)

 

We started spending almost every day together and i was her rock while she moved out and around between apartments. Despite her drama, we didn't fight and got along wonderfully. I knew I was playing the part of the Sophisticated Man and at her age, i would be a fond memory rather than a long time relationship. But there were moments that we all know when you experience such love you think, "What if?"

 

But then her ex texted me a brutal message basically calling me out for "seducing" his fiancé and being a political hypocrite (from his reading my fb posts) by hurting somebody while professing to be a peace loving artist. He certainly had a point and I didn't begrudge him his rage. But he made disparaging reference to the shape of my penis (very specific and quite unknowable by him) and how his fiance "faked oragasms" and "wasn't she a good liar?"

 

So things were getting ridiculous. I confronted her about the text by simply showing it to her and watching her face drop. I said, "How do you think this looks?" She said, "Pretty bad i guess." But then claimed she never talked about me to him and would never say those things. I asked her why her ex would make such a specific remark about my shape and size. She didn't know.

 

I was truly going to walk away right there, and in fact went into NO CONTACT. Within three days she was blowing up my phone to see me. I actually bumped into her a few days later and told her that my self-respect was more important to her. She again denied saying anything and made me believe in the way she usually did best...

 

So by the time I helped her find and move into a new place, I hoped things would calm down so we could have relatively normal dating situation without al the drama. She started hanging out with another bar local and even claimed they spent the night together at her place just playing video games and smoking out. I tried to be the libertine gentleman and not ply her with questions. But then i saw her looking at both of us in the bar the day after her game session, and my sixth sense told me she was getting some thrill out of having these two guys there, both of whom she likely had already slept with.

 

A week later, I get a cold and go undercover for three days - -I also had the idea that I needed a break from her to see what she would do with her time as I thought she would probly hook up with this other man. But she kept messaging how much she missed me and things we'd do once I got better.

 

Finally, I was healthy and contacted her on the day she gets off early and we always go hang out. She didn't answer my FB message and I told myself, "I'm going to go by her work and see if she wants to hang, and if she tells me she's getting a ride with the other guy, I know I'm ****ed."

 

When I see her, she hugs me and keeps touching me. I ask what she's doing after work and she looks away and says,"(Other Guy's Name) is picking me up and we're just going to hang out today." I say something bland and quickly left.

 

That was the last time I saw her.

 

I heard nothing from her that evening (which was unique because we always text lovey dovey messages) and my sixth sense was electric. I knew what was going on and it hurt. I saw her on fb but she never contacted me -- until two days later. Then she sends this message on Facebook:

 

"Hey, I don't know when I'll see you again and I don't know how to do this and i feel dumb messaging you, but me and (Other Guy) are dating seriously now i guess. It just kinda happened."

 

And that was it. I was honestly more outraged she ended it with such a pathetic message and the total cowardice to not even tell me.

 

Now I had never heard of the NO CONTACT RULE but instinctively I thought, anybody who dumps somebody with a lame FB message is not my friend and deserves to be treated that cavalier. So I "unfriended" her immediately.

 

Naturally I go to look at her page an hour later and she's already posted a big "In A Relationship" on her page with lots of "likes.'

 

I go to the Other Guy's page but he has no relationship status at all. And new photo that she hasn't even "liked." So i assume she posted that in anger that I deleted her. Which tells me all about the mind of a 22 year old.

 

I begin to feel my heart blow apart and make my way to LoveShack and find out al about the official NO CONTACT RULE. It makes perfect sense to me as a way to detox from a unhealthy affair and a way to get my tattered self-respect and dignity back.

 

And this fling effected me greater than I thought, with lots of tears and regrets and wasted analysis on a situation that was doomed from the start.

 

But I was certain about NO CONTACT. And a week later, she contacted me, saying she understood that i needed time but that she liked me and says I'm an important person in her life. She again claimed she "didn't really mean to start dating (Other Guy)"and she told me to at least tell her I wasn't going to be her friend and not just unfriend me on FB. She said she hoped we could become "close friends' again and if not, then she was gad she got to spend what time we had together.

 

So much bull**** there I laughed. But I did not answer. Her inability to even talk to me and think i would conduct this drama via Facebook struck me as a sign of her total immaturity. I stayed NO CONTACT.

 

The following week she sent me a message saying, "I had a dream about you last night and you hated me. Sounds about right?" She wishes I hated her but what kind of message is that? NO CONTACT continues.

 

Then last week, her fourth message in a month: "How mad would you be if I went to your show next week?" refering to a local concert I would be appearing in. I was amazed at her chutzpah. And I know we all hope that NO CONTACT brings them back on their knees in tears, I'm savvy enough to know that her ego is hurt and this is al a need for attention...and yes, drama.

 

So i responded with NO CONTACT.

 

And within the past two days, she's tried to add me as a "friend on FB!

 

So long story short, I'm in pain, the memories hurt, I've stopped crying at least for the past two weeks and I'm moving onward. I guess I've beat the odds as far as NO CONTACT is concerned seeing how so many want anything, even breadcrumbs as a sign, and admittedly her repeated contacts have shown that I did mean something, but she needs to earn my friendship if that's possible. And at least making a phone call would be a positive step. But the FB messaging is the laziest way to keep in touch.

 

So I'm on Day 40 of NC and my head is clearing. The addiction is fading and tho i don't expect total healing anytime soon (like you and you, my thoughts stray to What If and Remember When and even base I Miss The Sex) I know this is the right path. And I know that if a relationship was started amid lies and deceit, that's likely how it will end. Karma etc.

 

And most strange, her ex-fiance texted me last week with one word:

 

"Thanks."

 

So that's my story and I hope it will help some of you on your path to clarity and freedom. The pain of heartache is incredible but life is a ride and be happy you get to join. Some get no love at all in a whole lifetime. We do and we'll be stronger to appreciate the whole crazy process.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Chi townD]

Why the hell would the Ex fiancé text you "thanks".

 

Thanks for what?

[Am4Real]

That's quite the story. I hope you learned a valuable lesson, not about NC, more about getting involved with someone who is involved.

 

Not trying to be funny here but can you turn your experiences into a song? Worth a try.

 

Thanks for sharing your story.

[McGriff]

Love it! That was entertaining my man. We 40 year olds trying to hang with the 20 something's makes for good stories eh? You are doing good.

[itto ogami]

One of the only nice things about heartache is that it helps for great songs....