I'm so depressed.

[CompleteFailure]

Lately reading the forums here everything makes me feel so depressed for my own situation. I can't find the strength to stop this cycle. Its so f*cking embarrassing I don't know how the hell I've become this person.

 

My brain literally swells up and I feel this wave of emotions course through my body and I just end up reacting, foolishly. I walked home today and couldn't give a f*ck if a car hit me. I look around thinking that bus would be better cause than I'd be gone for sure. I look over a bridge and think I wonder how fast I'll fall and if that oncoming car will have time to swerve or would that just wipe me out. I can't even find the strength to do something like that. I'd rather just have death come and take me cause I'm too much of a coward to do it myself.

 

I hate that I let her into my life. I was getting better and this relationship totally side tracked me.

 

The advice I get is to go NC and all this sh.t but I can't do it. I'm so f*cking incapable. I'm so addicted to this pain and hell I'm stuck in but I want out so badly. Than the next day I want to stay again. I hate myself and my life.

[destroyed4sho]

You HAVE to go NC, that is your only way out of this depression. There is no other way out. I am going through a depression myself and feel like its been getting better but not as quickly as I would like it. NC has helped tremendously.

You have to start somewhere and don't say you CANT do it. You obviously CAN. You are a capable adult that can do whatever you want to do. Keeping NC is not the most toughest thing you will have to do in life.

 

Your depressed reading this forum because you see how similar your situation is to others and how they have handled it and the results. Your afraid to lose hope of reconciliation like the rest of us and move on with your life. Losing hope is the best thing that will happen to you. I promise.

 

Also, I get a sense that you are too hard on yourself. Work on your self-esteem, go seek therapy or read a self help book.

[Am4Real]

Read above thread...I like that advice for you.

[CompleteFailure]

I find hard to go NC because I can't accept that this person I thought I knew is not that person. I find it so hard to believe that sharing so much time with someone meant nothing and I was just being used. I sit here thinking about her out tonight and wonder if they're f*cking or just hanging out. I don't know what's worse. I said so many things to her I wish I didn't. It probably only gave her ideas on how to make this new relationship work better and I hate myself for it. I want that relationship to fail and I hate myself for thinking that because I should be happy that she got rid of someone like me.

 

My ego though, my pride, my own selfishness? How can I lose hope? I keep blaming myself for this breakup.

 

I read that people should go NC and not stay by themselves. They should go out, hang out with friends. I have no friends. She was the only thing in my life. Our mutual friends were all hers to begin with. I burned all my bridges long ago. This I think is why its so hard to go NC. Am I just being a big pussy? Should I just man up and accept this fate of lonely solitude? I did it once, but after knowing how happy life can be its such a major setback. Its like living a lifestyle of wealth after being poor and never wanting to go back.

[destroyed4sho]

I find hard to go NC because I can't accept that this person I thought I knew is not that person. I find it so hard to believe that sharing so much time with someone meant nothing and I was just being used. I sit here thinking about her out tonight and wonder if they're f*cking or just hanging out. I don't know what's worse. I said so many things to her I wish I didn't. It probably only gave her ideas on how to make this new relationship work better and I hate myself for it. I want that relationship to fail and I hate myself for thinking that because I should be happy that she got rid of someone like me.

 

My ego though, my pride, my own selfishness? How can I lose hope? I keep blaming myself for this breakup.

 

I read that people should go NC and not stay by themselves. They should go out, hang out with friends. I have no friends. She was the only thing in my life. Our mutual friends were all hers to begin with. I burned all my bridges long ago. This I think is why its so hard to go NC. Am I just being a big pussy? Should I just man up and accept this fate of lonely solitude? I did it once, but after knowing how happy life can be its such a major setback. Its like living a lifestyle of wealth after being poor and never wanting to go back.

 

Yeah, your in shock right now...you think you are being forced to leap into a big black hole. Reminds me of Amy Winehouses song "back to black".

 

Instead of thinking about it as lonely solitude, think of it as a new opportunity to find yourself and make new friends of your own. If her friends liked you, others will too.

I know you can't see it now, but you need to do stay NC for at least 3 months to get out of these early emotional stages.

[Mellow1]

If you still check this post I can be your friend at first I felt the same but time does heal things ...i need someone to talk to also

[CompleteFailure]

Yeah, your in shock right now...you think you are being forced to leap into a big black hole. Reminds me of Amy Winehouses song "back to black".

 

Instead of thinking about it as lonely solitude, think of it as a new opportunity to find yourself and make new friends of your own. If her friends liked you, others will too.

I know you can't see it now, but you need to do stay NC for at least 3 months to get out of these early emotional stages.

 

One of her friends liked me cause she thought I was the perfect man/husband but that was just a front you see from the outside, because our relationship behind closed doors was a different story. When I made an effort though I'd like to think I got along with all of them, but that wasn't very often so their perception of me was like 70% bad 30% good. Plus one of them was our roommate at her place so she would always over hear us fighting.

 

My ex was like my rock in those social situations though, someone I had in my corner.

 

I think about making new friends but with all the baggage I have I don't know how to talk to anyone. It's like "hi, hey, how are you? I was f*cked up, don't mind me, I've got mental issues just ignore my strangeness" I can put on a face but it kills me knowing that I have this ability to be so cold and calculating its like what's the point?

 

If you still check this post I can be your friend at first I felt the same but time does heal things ...i need someone to talk to also

 

Thanks. How shall we proceed?

[Mellow1]

Well that depends would you to talk in email here or phone I honestly dont mind by the way im from florida, 21 and a female lol

[CompleteFailure]

I guess here or email since neither of us know if the other is a crazy psycho. I don't think there's a way to privately send email addresses though so not sure how well this would work out.

[Damaged23]

I feel for you, buddy!! But please, dont be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes, sadly yours cost you your relationship, but think as if this happened to teach you something, think there's something better for you out there, and you have to go through this so you are ready when the right person comes along.

 

Thinking about death? NO NO NO!!! Believe you're an amazing person, and somebody out there is waiting for you! So, get those thoughts out of your head!! Good things will come. You just have to be patient, give time some time, and at the end you'll see how everything works out!!

 

You're not alone

[CompleteFailure]

Thanks D23. Besides the internet though, I'm pretty alone.

[Mellow1]

Just trying to be friendly but fair enough I want you to know that you shouldnt think about her but about yourself .. Right now you have time to spend om yourself .. Do what you love play sports, read a book listen to music anything that makes you feel relax i myself have felt there nothing to live for I thought of ways to make him want but how can they want you or kiss you if you are dead ... Live for you , it takes time to feel great again but take the time to work on yourself and if she loves you shell come back

[Damaged23]

Look, you have to try getting out of the house. It's hard at first, but little by little.. Go to Starbucks, or a book store, or a park, places where you can be around people. Adopt a puppy and go to a dog's park, anything that can keep you busy. Being home on the computer all day won't help, trust me, i've done it, and it drove me insane!

[CompleteFailure]

Just trying to be friendly but fair enough I want you to know that you shouldnt think about her but about yourself .. Right now you have time to spend om yourself .. Do what you love play sports, read a book listen to music anything that makes you feel relax i myself have felt there nothing to live for I thought of ways to make him want but how can they want you or kiss you if you are dead ... Live for you , it takes time to feel great again but take the time to work on yourself and if she loves you shell come back

 

I appreciate your kindness. I think I was more worried for you getting personal with a crazy like me when I mentioned the psycho stuff. Its like a sweet innocent rabbit just trying to help out someone and gets eaten by a bad deranged wolf.

 

All the things I used to enjoy doing seem so meaningless right now. I try to workout, listen to music, read books. My thoughts just end up circling around somehow and than I just shutdown for the rest of the day obsessing over this.

 

If she comes back she loves me? I keep wishing that were true but in reality it would probably be because her other relationship didn't work out. It might sound stupid but I think she will end up marrying this guy and I hate to project or foreshadow those thoughts.

 

In reality, she put up with my sh.t for so long and this guy seems to have all his sh.t together. I think there couldn't possibly be anything worse than me that she would ever leave him for. She's at an age where she wants kids and they've talked about stuff like that. They've been dating almost 2months now. The only thing I can hope for is he's 4 years younger, maybe he might get bored or interested in someone else and leave her. I end up hating myself for thinking that because than she would be so hurt. I don't even think I could live with knowing all of it.

[CompleteFailure]

Look, you have to try getting out of the house. It's hard at first, but little by little.. Go to Starbucks, or a book store, or a park, places where you can be around people. Adopt a puppy and go to a dog's park, anything that can keep you busy. Being home on the computer all day won't help, trust me, i've done it, and it drove me insane!

 

I'm not sure how much help going to Starbucks or a book store would be. I really don't think I'm in any state to be of use to anyone. I get what you're saying though, it just seems so pointless for me at this time.

 

I've have been looking for some free counseling services and support groups but just haven't built up the nerve to attend anything. Hopefully I'll go this week/end.