Officially cut ex out of my life today, and want to know I did the right thing

[SalientPoint]

So basically been together officially for a year, but knew her for longer. Everything was amazing. Lived together for half the time, were long distance but close the other half. We made a plan that she came up with and seemed really excited about for me to come live with her. Gave up my really awesome apartment and was getting ready to move, then it all went down hill. She got cold feet, started pushing me away and ignoring me cause she was scared of the commitment. Would not talk to me anymore or be super distant, and one night got really drunk via gchat (because of the time difference I didn't know she was drunk at the time) and tried to push me away really hard by saying she loved me but wasn't in love with me, just wanted to be friends etc. but she sobered up and apologized profusely and just confessed it's because she's always been scared of intimacy and pushed people away but didn't want to do that with me.

 

I said I'd still be willing to work it out, but she'd have to come see me in person (which she had agreed to do originally but then kept trying to get out of it using work as an excuse). I basically said in light of all the stuff I'd given up (ie apartment, moving preparations, saving tons of money to move etc) and the fact she'd previously promised to come see me, she'd have to come work it out with me face to face. We're both a bit older professionals. I'm in late 20's and she's in mid 30's with a high stress job at a tech company, so she said she couldn't come before early July because of the launch of one of their new products. Which normally I would understand, but she'd been using work as an excuse for so long to purposefully treat me bad and push me away I don't fully believe her, knowing her work situation personally I think she kind of just wants to not have to make the sacrifice. She started out as a free lancer with a flexible schedule, and I said I would be willing to give up my career and put my job search on hold to move to be with her in light of her situation, and then she started making all these job choices without thinking about them or discussing them with me and then using work as an excuse for basically everything bad she was doing in the relationship, and I know her bosses so I know a lot of it was her using it to get out of things, but struggled with still wanting to support her career and achievements and not be too demanding) So I said I didn't want to put my life on hold for another 3 months if she wasn't willing to even work it out in light of everything I'd already given up. She said early July was all she could offer me, take it or leave it. I tried to call her to discuss it, and she got all mad and snippy at me since she was already sleeping (even though it had only been 30 minutes since she'd last messaged me) so I just kind of snapped in light of all I'd given up for her and her blasè attitude and did the whole cleanse (which I had been warning her for weeks on end would happen if she was unwilling to put energy and effort into working it out). Deleted the facebook, the gchat, the skype, etc. I think I did the right thing, but I loved her so much, and was so looking forward to our future together (she was initiating marriage discussions), and having been playing the field for 13 years, she's pretty much been only the second person I've been in love with. I know in my heart she was just unwilling to really invest, because for the last 2 months I'd been trying to talk to her about things, compromised, and tried to work things out and she was resistant, but I still feel like maybe it's my fault, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to hang onto NC :-?

Edited April 15, 2013 by SalientPoint

[lynn1954]

Yes, you did the right thing by breaking up with her.

 

Stay strong about the NC, be good to yourself, and focus on recovering from the breakup.

 

Eventually, you'll feel ready to find a person who really loves you for your yourself, and when you find that person you'll have a very happy life.

 

Good luck, stay strong. I'm sorry you're suffering right now.

[CompleteFailure]

Maybe she really was that busy with work and you continuously pushing her got her annoyed. I think you should be more understanding if you guys were that serious talking about marriage. Its like you wanted some big romantic gesture from her to come see you and talk even though she told you she has a lot on her plate. What if you were the one to go see her?

 

All those weeks of threatening to call it off, her knowing everything you've given up and the preparations you've made. It sounds like she's calling your bluff.

 

I don't think you handled this well. She sounds very ambitious. You guys were talking about marriage. I think you're letting ego get in the way.

[SalientPoint]

Maybe she really was that busy with work and you continuously pushing her got her annoyed. I think you should be more understanding if you guys were that serious talking about marriage. Its like you wanted some big romantic gesture from her to come see you and talk even though she told you she has a lot on her plate. What if you were the one to go see her?

 

All those weeks of threatening to call it off, her knowing everything you've given up and the preparations you've made. It sounds like she's calling your bluff.

 

I don't think you handled this well. She sounds very ambitious. You guys were talking about marriage. I think you're letting ego get in the way.

 

Yeah, that's the trouble, I tried not to make this thread too long cause people usually don't read them, but it's something where to get the full picture you'd kind of have to go back and read my other posts. Basically this has been going on a for a month, where I've been trying to give her a ton of time and space to figure things out, and she's either been out right ignoring me or dismissing everything I've said. She's broken every single promise and compromise we've made and then basically broke up with me when she was drunk and said a bunch of things that were really hurtful, and then when she sobered up she tried to take them back without addressing what was going on, since she hasn't even really been talking to me for weeks now. I know logically she's not that invested, but in trying to be strong and get over her, the things you've said keep weighing on my mind, so it's hard not to think that way, but different when I weigh out the whole story. I did offer to go see her, but she said no, not to bother since she would come see me at xx time/xx date, of which she then changed her mind about, after I already volunteered to take care of my Dad for 6 weeks. Basically she's either not followed through or changed her mind about all the plans we've made, which have put me in a position where I can't go see her or do much on my end and she refuses to address that.

[Ajax]

Maybe she really was that busy with work and you continuously pushing her got her annoyed. I think you should be more understanding if you guys were that serious talking about marriage. Its like you wanted some big romantic gesture from her to come see you and talk even though she told you she has a lot on her plate. What if you were the one to go see her?

 

All those weeks of threatening to call it off, her knowing everything you've given up and the preparations you've made. It sounds like she's calling your bluff.

 

I don't think you handled this well. She sounds very ambitious. You guys were talking about marriage. I think you're letting ego get in the way.

 

I think you're putting on some pretty powerful rose colored glasses if you think this woman wasn't giving him the brush off. Not being able to see him for three months? Come on. I don't care how busy someone is, if they care about you they'll at least make an effort. And the only effort she made was to initially break up with him.

 

She was checked out of this first, and to imply that the OP mishandled the situation isn't going to change that. She wasn't going to commit, and he did the right thing.

[CompleteFailure]

I think you're putting on some pretty powerful rose colored glasses if you think this woman wasn't giving him the brush off. Not being able to see him for three months? Come on. I don't care how busy someone is, if they care about you they'll at least make an effort. And the only effort she made was to initially break up with him.

 

She was checked out of this first, and to imply that the OP mishandled the situation isn't going to change that. She wasn't going to commit, and he did the right thing.

 

They have a LDR if I'm not mistaken. People who are very driven in their careers put that as there top priority, it doesn't mean they don't care about their relationships. The question of if someone wants to be with or can stand someone like that is probably for a different discussion.

 

Agreed though, I didn't have all the facts when making that comment.

 

Basically this has been going on a for a month, where I've been trying to give her a ton of time and space to figure things out, and she's either been out right ignoring me or dismissing everything I've said. She's broken every single promise and compromise we've made and then basically broke up with me when she was drunk and said a bunch of things that were really hurtful, and then when she sobered up she tried to take them back without addressing what was going on, since she hasn't even really been talking to me for weeks now. I know logically she's not that invested, but in trying to be strong and get over her, the things you've said keep weighing on my mind, so it's hard not to think that way, but different when I weigh out the whole story. I did offer to go see her, but she said no, not to bother since she would come see me at xx time/xx date, of which she then changed her mind about, after I already volunteered to take care of my Dad for 6 weeks. Basically she's either not followed through or changed her mind about all the plans we've made, which have put me in a position where I can't go see her or do much on my end and she refuses to address that.

 

Disregard my earlier post. If someone who supposedly loves you and talks marriage with you does this that many times, I'd be worried what happens once they really have you 'hooked' into the relationship. Even if it really was just work/stress, you shouldn't take her back unless she really goes way out of the way and beyond to prove to you you're someone important in her life.

[Standard-Fare]

SalientPoint, I was waiting for an update on this situation. I'm sorry that this is the outcome...

 

I think your GF has handled this situation in a really callous, immature way. It's almost like a 16-year-old boy would handle his first breakup. Even if she was getting cold feet and panicky, she should have communicated with you more clearly as you made these preparations to commit with her. I think at this point she can't even bear to think about the impact she's had on your life and the difficulties she's caused, so she's just shrinking away and denying it.

 

You really have no choice but to cut her out of your life right now. You're doing exactly what her actions/behavior indicate that she wants.

 

It's going to be really difficult, but you gotta keep strong with this No Contact. If you want to maintain any form of dignity, this is the way to go.

 

I don't think this situation sounds hopeful. But I do think if there's any chance of anything good happening between you two ever again, your lack of contact right now will be a necessary step of that process. It seems like right now she can't deal with you at all since you're probably inspiring all these stressful and overwhelming feelings of guilt that she'd rather push away. In order for her to see this situation with more clarity (and hopefully maturity), she'll have to stop associating you with these negative emotions.

 

But again, I don't say that to inspire any false hope. You need to do everything you can to take care of your own self right now, rebuild, and determine a new path.

[SalientPoint]

SalientPoint, I was waiting for an update on this situation. I'm sorry that this is the outcome...

 

I think your GF has handled this situation in a really callous, immature way. It's almost like a 16-year-old boy would handle his first breakup. Even if she was getting cold feet and panicky, she should have communicated with you more clearly as you made these preparations to commit with her. I think at this point she can't even bear to think about the impact she's had on your life and the difficulties she's caused, so she's just shrinking away and denying it.

 

You really have no choice but to cut her out of your life right now. You're doing exactly what her actions/behavior indicate that she wants.

 

It's going to be really difficult, but you gotta keep strong with this No Contact. If you want to maintain any form of dignity, this is the way to go.

 

I don't think this situation sounds hopeful. But I do think if there's any chance of anything good happening between you two ever again, your lack of contact right now will be a necessary step of that process. It seems like right now she can't deal with you at all since you're probably inspiring all these stressful and overwhelming feelings of guilt that she'd rather push away. In order for her to see this situation with more clarity (and hopefully maturity), she'll have to stop associating you with these negative emotions.

 

But again, I don't say that to inspire any false hope. You need to do everything you can to take care of your own self right now, rebuild, and determine a new path.

 

 

Thank you so much Standard! I've really appreciated your advice regarding the ups and downs of this roller coaster! You've given me nothing but well thought out and intelligent wisdom on this and past posts and I continually appreciate it. I know everything you say is true, it's just very difficult right now, because I'm being a care give to my Dad for 6-weeks and he lives about 3 hours away from where I live in a very tiny town with not a lot going on, so I pretty much have no support right now to maintain good NC, though I know I need to. Usually I'm pretty great at the NC, but this has thrown me for a loop. Still, I appreciate the guidance.

[SalientPoint]

They have a LDR if I'm not mistaken. People who are very driven in their careers put that as there top priority, it doesn't mean they don't care about their relationships. The question of if someone wants to be with or can stand someone like that is probably for a different discussion.

 

Agreed though, I didn't have all the facts when making that comment.

 

 

 

Disregard my earlier post. If someone who supposedly loves you and talks marriage with you does this that many times, I'd be worried what happens once they really have you 'hooked' into the relationship. Even if it really was just work/stress, you shouldn't take her back unless she really goes way out of the way and beyond to prove to you you're someone important in her life.

 

 

Thanks for the follow up Complete. Yeah, that was the issue, this had been going on for awhile, and initially I was very supportive of her career, because you are right, she's very ambitious, but when things started to go down hill she literally used work as an excuse for every single bad relationship behavior she was exhibiting, so it got to a point where I knew some of it was bs, and the parts that weren't I was desensitized to the work excuse. I appreciate your follow up and your taking time out of the day to read my post. Thank you!

[itto ogami]

NC is the right thing and honestly, your absence will help her see you more clearly. And you need to stand up for your own life.