So This Is Goodbye

[Hope737]

I just feel I need to write this up somewhere, I guess I'm not really looking for advice. I feel it'll just help if I post this.

 

Tonight I'm meeting up with my ex. Not in the hope of anything happening and getting back together, but to get closure and say goodbye to her as a friend.

 

From the very first moment I saw her, I knew she was the one. I've never felt that way about anyone else and my feelings towards her were stronger than anything I knew possible. That smile of hers, her laugh and her warm embrace were simply mind blowing. There's a deep sadness knowing that I've lost that in my life. This is the woman i connected with and was going to marry and have a family and now I have to watch all that slip through my fingers forever.

 

We tried at a relationship twice. When we first split up, we went our different ways in life, both going to separate universities. Even after the break up we remained close friends and it hurt like hell when I saw her moving on with other guys. After three years apart we got back together and gave it another shot. This also failed as she cheated on me in the end with one of her exes.

 

So this time, I'm not willing to remain friends with her as it'll be just way too painful to watch her going out with other guys again. It's extremely difficult to lose her as a friend but it'd be even more difficult to watch her moving on.

 

I will still see her around though as we work together. So I don't know how to approach the situation of telling her we can't be friends but I'll think of something. Either way it's not going to be pleasant.

 

Tonight is the night I let go of my best friend and my love and close a huge 9 year chapter in my life. She was the person who brightened my life and taught me how to love and for that I am thankful. But tonight is goodbye and the night I turn my back on the most beautiful experience that I have been lucky enough to go through. It's just such a shame it has to end like this.

[martys]

wow thats insane sorry to hear you went through that, and that she cheated on you!? :/ sorry man!

 

i think your doing the right thing, and hopefully she will understand!

 

not too sure what to say, but chin up!

 

let us know how it went

[Harradin]

From the very first moment I saw her, I knew she was the one. I've never felt that way about anyone else and my feelings towards her were stronger than anything I knew possible. That smile of hers, her laugh and her warm embrace were simply mind blowing. There's a deep sadness knowing that I've lost that in my life. This is the woman i connected with and was going to marry and have a family and now I have to watch all that slip through my fingers forever.

 

This is exactly how I felt about my ex, our connection was incredible, it was so unnatural. I know how you feel and it sucks, I'm 7 months since the BU (she left me for someone else when she had just found out about family bereavement) and 6 months NC and it does get easier. You just feel sad that someone you knew was the one is now a stranger to you.

[cavalier99]

This is exactly how I felt about my ex, our connection was incredible, it was so unnatural. I know how you feel and it sucks, I'm 7 months since the BU (she left me for someone else when she had just found out about family bereavement) and 6 months NC and it does get easier. You just feel sad that someone you knew was the one is now a stranger to you.

 

Hey bro hows it going! Thanks for saying you were jealous of my indifeerence.. great ego boost! I never was thinking about myself being indifferent until i read what you types. Thanks! Cav

[Hope737]

This is exactly how I felt about my ex, our connection was incredible, it was so unnatural. I know how you feel and it sucks, I'm 7 months since the BU (she left me for someone else when she had just found out about family bereavement) and 6 months NC and it does get easier. You just feel sad that someone you knew was the one is now a stranger to you.

 

It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this. I definitely agree with the feeling of your former lover turning into a stranger, it's hard to accept but it's gotta be done!

 

Thanks martys, I'll post how the night goes.

[cavalier99]

It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this. I definitely agree with the feeling of your former lover turning into a stranger, it's hard to accept but it's gotta be done!

 

Thanks martys, I'll post how the night goes.

 

Dude are you sure you want to see her? Why dont you just bail. The night is going to go sh*tty and you will come home crying and in a world more hurt. It is over no need to self torture. Just my opinion. Cav

[Hope737]

Hey Cav,

 

Yeah it's going to be rubbish, but I see her at work anyway and we share the same group of friends so there's no avoiding her anyway. I see tonight as a chance to get a few things out in the open.

 

I know what you mean about coming home in more pain, but if that does happen it'll be the last time.

[cavalier99]

Hey Cav,

 

Yeah it's going to be rubbish, but I see her at work anyway and we share the same group of friends so there's no avoiding her anyway. I see tonight as a chance to get a few things out in the open.

 

I know what you mean about coming home in more pain, but if that does happen it'll be the last time.

 

Well i cant really blame you. Some times we need to do these things. Seems like you know what your getting into so i hope it helps to close this chapter for you.

[CarrieT]

I

From the very first moment I saw her, I knew she was the one.

 

With the acknowledgment that she is a philanderer and cheater, she was obviously not "the one" (as you were one of many to her).

 

 

I

This is the woman i connected with and was going to marry and have a family and now I have to watch all that slip through my fingers forever.

 

I know you don't believe this right now, but you WILL love again and find someone worthy of your attention and devotion to build a family with. Her affections were obviously not reciprocated if she was cheating this much...

[Hope737]

Sound like wise words, CarrieT. I think deep, deep down I know she wasn't right for me but she has been a HUGE part of my life so it's just hard to come to terms with the fact that I now have to build a life without her. Very daunting stuff indeed.

On a positive note, I guess it's the beginning of a new life for me. I just hope she doesn't stay in my memory forever.

[CarrieT]

I just hope she doesn't stay in my memory forever.

 

She will, but not the hurting way she is now.

 

There will be a point where you will remember her with hatred for what she did to you. And then there will be a quiet resignation of sadness that you gave so much to someone who did not appreciate it. Then, much later in life, you will be able to recall the good things that you two had and you will remember - with fondness - the girl you loved.

 

I emphasize "girl" because that point in your life, you two will be mature and older and you will realize how young and foolish both of you were during those years when you thought everything resided in another human being.

 

And you will smile at those memories as you look at your loving wife and family...

[Harradin]

Hey bro hows it going! Thanks for saying you were jealous of my indifeerence.. great ego boost! I never was thinking about myself being indifferent until i read what you types. Thanks! Cav

 

Not too bad ta! And no worries, you seem to be pulling all of those women and helping Na haha

[Hope737]

Well guys I've done it, I actually went through with it and told her we can't remain friends and I feel like the biggest piece of crap ever.

She didn't take it very well (as you can expect) and she doesn't understand why I'm doing this. Please tell me someone here understands why I can't be friends with the woman I love. When I see her moving on it'd hurt too much.

I've just lost my childhood sweetheart from 9 years ago and to be honest I feel like doing myself in. I'm at the end of my rope here guys.

 

I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life. If I stay friends with her, I'd have to watch her moving on, maybe even getting married and having kids with another man. On the other hand if I cut her out of my life completely I lose EVERYTHING. Unfortunately for me I chose the latter and now I face an unknown and very empty future.

[Hope737]

This is the text I sent her after we went our separate ways last night:

 

"Look I'm really sorry for the way tonight turned out I really am, but I can't see you as just a friend when you mean so much more to me. You were my only love and I saw us having everything together and to know that ain't gonna happen kills me. I hope we can be JUST friends some day but at the minute it kills too much. I'm sorry for being so selfish but that's just the way I feel"

 

She never replied.

[Cognitive Miser]

Well guys I've done it, I actually went through with it and told her we can't remain friends and I feel like the biggest piece of crap ever.

She didn't take it very well (as you can expect) and she doesn't understand why I'm doing this. Please tell me someone here understands why I can't be friends with the woman I love. When I see her moving on it'd hurt too much.

I've just lost my childhood sweetheart from 9 years ago and to be honest I feel like doing myself in. I'm at the end of my rope here guys.

 

I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life. If I stay friends with her, I'd have to watch her moving on, maybe even getting married and having kids with another man. On the other hand if I cut her out of my life completely I lose EVERYTHING. Unfortunately for me I chose the latter and now I face an unknown and very empty future.

 

 

Of course she doesn't understand, why would she? That would mean that she understands her own faults just as much as yours, which she clearly indicated is not the case by saying she doesn't understand why you're doing this. You can't control her feelings, but what you can control is your perspective and your actions.

 

Forget how she feels about this and focus on yourself. Do you think she gave a second thought about you when she cheated on you with her ex? I'd assume not, otherwise she wouldn't have thrown a 9 year relationship out the drain.

 

You did a great and commendable thing. You informed her that you will not remain friends with her and explained your motives why, what more can she want from you? Her not understanding this demonstrates her own selfishness and inability for reason. Don't strain too much over her immaturity.

 

One day she'll realize this and agree with it. Just keep moving forward and just do you. Find yourself and indulge in the happiness that will come from it. Happiness is a choice and you doing this demonstrates not only to us, but to her as well, that you are choosing to be happy. You are challenging yourself to happiness and I congratulate you sir. Keep moving forward and don't look back. Propel yourself into bigger and better things and you will soon find value in all that you have and will discover.

 

Stay golden Hope.

[tbf]

You poor man. ((hugs))

 

How truly sad that she didn't appreciate a man who loved her so much that she would cheat on you and then not understand why you can't remain friends. When viewed from this perspective, she's not what you think. She's a very selfish woman.

 

I hope you maintain a clean break. Nine years is a long time to recover from, having all your dreams dashed by the selfishness of another.

[CarrieT]

I've just lost my childhood sweetheart from 9 years ago and to be honest I feel like doing myself in. I'm at the end of my rope here guys.

Please, please, please remember that yes, you lost a CHILDHOOD sweetheart. CHILDHOOD. That has got to ring in your head for a long, long time.

 

As we grow old, mature, and change, we put aside childhood things for adulthood and responsibilities. No one can ever retain and maintain those things that are established during our years as children because our brains are not chemically able to process all those emotions and hormones that cause us to change.

 

You are at the end of your rope because you are growing and maturing at a different rate than she is, which is why you feel you cannot be friends now and she does not understand that.

 

It is possible that you two could become friends later - both those two people who become friends will be vastly different people.

 

I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life.

I would say you have done the bravest thing of your life and are to be commended.

 

On the other hand if I cut her out of my life completely I lose EVERYTHING.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no....

 

You have gained something you don't yet see, but we who have been there know and believe it will occur to you when you least expect it.

 

 

Unfortunately for me I chose the latter and now I face an unknown and very empty future.

Go back and read my earlier post, please. Yes, the future you face is unknown, but far from empty.

 

 

You are going to be fine. It will hurt for a while, but before you know it, you will be laughing and looking forward to dates with other people and loving again soon.

[Hope737]

 

 

I would say you have done the bravest thing of your life and are to be commended.

 

 

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no....

 

You have gained something you don't yet see, but we who have been there know and believe it will occur to you when you least expect it.

 

 

 

Go back and read my earlier post, please. Yes, the future you face is unknown, but far from empty.

 

 

You are going to be fine. It will hurt for a while, but before you know it, you will be laughing and looking forward to dates with other people and loving again soon.

 

It helps to hear that I've done the right thing. Deep down I think I know I have but it's extremely difficult letting her go.

 

Also thank you so much to everyone else that has replied. This forum has been a saviour over the past few months. Today I woke up feeling that someone had died. You know that awful, dark, empty feeling in your chest? But as the day goes on I'm trying to keep positive and start a journey on the looooong road that is rebuilding my life without her.

[cool1990]

Just read through all the posts here and ive got to say i do feel what ur going through. Im going through something similar, not anything as long as ur 9 year relatioship but the emtions behind it were just the same. She brightened my day, took me out of some dark places id gone to, her smile, her laugh, her smell, they all keep on coming back to me everytime.

 

But u guys broke up and as hard as it is to move on without the person you dreamed to spend your life with, it has unfortunately happened. I think ur doing the right thing. u were mature and stated ur reasons for NC. Itll be a long haul without her in it, im sure. ull miss her terribly, but memories do fade, new ones are built and life goes on. Thats what u have to do now, get on with ur life. Take it a day at a time. and that dark feeling ur talking about, itll take sometime but thatll go away to. I speak from experience here(lost my first gf to a car accident) and it was unimaginable to go on without her, but i did and u will to. Hang out with ur friends, keep urself busy and just keep on reminding urself that this is for u.

 

If all fails id suggest pummeling a punching bag, its a great stress realease.

 

 

Cheers

[martys]

very well said with that text, well done man. i know it will be tough, but in the long run it will work out for the best

[Hope737]

very well said with that text, well done man. i know it will be tough, but in the long run it will work out for the best

 

Thanks martys.

 

I kinda wish she would reply to it.....with anything really, just an acknowledgement would do but nothing was received. I guess I've just got to say goodbye to that part of my life which is incredibly difficult but it's got to be done.

 

If only she could understand. If I could say one last thing to her it'd be this:

 

"You were my one true love. Nowadays love is a word that gets thrown around quite a lot but I truly loved you and cared for you with all my heart. I wanted to have your children which is a massive commitment. I wanted to care for you until the very end. You were my world, my rock, my everything but I guess for now this is the end. I will never forget you my love. I wish you all the best with your life and hope that some day you will be happy. I'm just so sorry it couldn't be me that you share your life with. All the best and goodbye my dear, I guess we were just never meant to be".

[Hope737]

Just read through all the posts here and ive got to say i do feel what ur going through. Im going through something similar, not anything as long as ur 9 year relatioship but the emtions behind it were just the same. She brightened my day, took me out of some dark places id gone to, her smile, her laugh, her smell, they all keep on coming back to me everytime.

 

But u guys broke up and as hard as it is to move on without the person you dreamed to spend your life with, it has unfortunately happened. I think ur doing the right thing. u were mature and stated ur reasons for NC. Itll be a long haul without her in it, im sure. ull miss her terribly, but memories do fade, new ones are built and life goes on. Thats what u have to do now, get on with ur life. Take it a day at a time. and that dark feeling ur talking about, itll take sometime but thatll go away to. I speak from experience here(lost my first gf to a car accident) and it was unimaginable to go on without her, but i did and u will to. Hang out with ur friends, keep urself busy and just keep on reminding urself that this is for u.

 

If all fails id suggest pummeling a punching bag, its a great stress realease.

 

 

Cheers

 

Hey cool1990 your post really reached out to me. I'm incredibly sorry about the car accident. I can't even begin to imagine what that must be like. But like you say, life goes on and one day a brighter life awaits. All the best my friend! For now I'll try that punching bag you suggest!

[Lost_Soul_86]

Hope737 I too know what your going through, i have just come out of a 9 year relationship, i met my boyfriend when i was only 17 right now nothing anyone says can ease the pain, my heart is literally broken into a thousand pieces he "thinks he is supposed to be on his own" there is nothing i can do to change his mind "we just dont work together", he says he will always love me, i just don't understand why u would give up on something so easily after 9 years! This is something i will never understand, i too told my ex i couldn't be his friend as he didn't want to cut me out of his life forever- its just too hard!

I hope your on the road to recovery, hang in there and as a million people have said to me "it does get better" at this point in time i dont believe that but i truely hope you find your way to the slightest bit of sunshine after the storm.

Cool1990 im so sorry for your lose i cant even begin to imagine what that would have been like

x x

Edited April 14, 2013 by Lost_Soul_86

[Hope737]

Lost_Soul. Walking away from someone you've known for 9 years is the most difficult option available in my eyes. Turning your back on such an event in life is heart wrenching.

 

My reasons for going no contact are these: If I remain just friends with her (which I've done in the past) I'd be forever looking at her thinking "what if"? My ex can't see this and thinks it's stupid for us to not be friends.

 

Now I've actually took the plunge and gone NC, I am indeed wondering if I'm strong enough to go through with it. Maybe it would be easier to be just friends with her. Can I accept seeing her with another man? Getting married and having children with someone else? I just don't know. I'm only on day 3 of NC but the minute I see her at work I'm pretty sure I'll regret my decision.

 

I just don't know what to do now. Remain NC or try being friends with her. I'm really really confused.

[KS11]

Thanks martys.

 

I kinda wish she would reply to it.....with anything really, just an acknowledgement would do but nothing was received. I guess I've just got to say goodbye to that part of my life which is incredibly difficult but it's got to be done.

 

If only she could understand. If I could say one last thing to her it'd be this:

 

"You were my one true love. Nowadays love is a word that gets thrown around quite a lot but I truly loved you and cared for you with all my heart. I wanted to have your children which is a massive commitment. I wanted to care for you until the very end. You were my world, my rock, my everything but I guess for now this is the end. I will never forget you my love. I wish you all the best with your life and hope that some day you will be happy. I'm just so sorry it couldn't be me that you share your life with. All the best and goodbye my dear, I guess we were just never meant to be".

 

Hi Hope,

 

Like many, your post has struck a lot of similarities with me. The conflict between choosing to stand by as just a friend or to let that person, who means everything to you, disappear is one i've been battling for about two years now.

 

However, like yours, the decision has been made and im back to NC. Just two weeks ago I was 6 week nc until she got back in touch. This time it feels so much harder. I really don't feel strong enough to do it now. I think its the knowing that this time it really is the last time I will hear from her.

 

I too sent a 'final message', and wish I had got a reply back as I left kind of open ended. But I guess we have to view this as just another example of them not wanting the same thing. I always want to say one last thing, in some pathetic hope that it will be the thing to flip some magic switch in her mind.

 

Im sorry if this message isn't too helpful. You seem to have a pretty strong attitude to dealing with this, which is so admirable! I figured we're both on day 3 nc, maybe we can summon some strength to push through