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Transference and Obsessing


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Old 12th April 2013, 1:37 AM   #1
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Transference and Obsessing

For a brief explanation about my background, I've been NC for 3 months now after a nearly 4 year relationship ended due to some of my misbehavior. I've had to deal with a lot of regret over the situation, realizing she was such a unique and dynamic person in my life. Since then, I've learned a lot about myself, figuring out I want my future partner to be someone that shares some characteristics of my ex's personality. So, about a month ago, I connected with this girl on twitter. We had a lighthearted, silly exchange about something very random around two weeks ago, and sine then, I've been obsessing over her. She lives in an entirely different state from me and has a fiancee. But, I've saved pictures of her on my phone and computer. She reminds me of my ex so much. She's seemingly weird, smart, has a knack for inappropriate humor, and even looks like my ex in a vague sort of way. Last week, because my obsession with her was becoming really desperate and bizarre, with me looking at her pictures during most of the day, writing her name repeatedly in my notebook for class notes, I finally deleted her from twitter. I feel like this obsession with her is only a transference of how badly I want to break NC and FB creep on my ex. Can anyone relate to a situation like this, finding someone that reminds you of your ex and obsessing over them? Your responses are much appreciated. Thank you.
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Old 12th April 2013, 1:53 AM   #2
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I wonder if its your ex or if it has to do with something even deeper. Like your ex was the perfect archetype of your "needs" for a mate based on your upbringing. Thus, because you still feel that need on a deeper level, you're still attracted to that type? In any case glad to hear you didn't go trying to sabotage someone's engagement, good on you for that.
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Old 12th April 2013, 2:14 AM   #3
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I wonder if its your ex or if it has to do with something even deeper. Like your ex was the perfect archetype of your "needs" for a mate based on your upbringing. Thus, because you still feel that need on a deeper level, you're still attracted to that type? In any case glad to hear you didn't go trying to sabotage someone's engagement, good on you for that.
I think you're correct when speculating it has to do with some deeper sentiment. During my upbringing, I never embraced the stranger aspects of my personality, always being taught to maintain this straight-lace facade. My ex saw right through this, wanting to bring out my genuine personality, but for the most part, I usually rejected her attempts. Now that she's gone, I realized all she wanted was for me to be myself. Consequently, that's one of the reasons we had a lot of arguments during the latter portion of the relationship. So, because I'm figuring out who I am more, I'm only discovering the type I want to be with eventually. I just wish I could have realized this before the relationship ended.
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Old 12th April 2013, 4:22 AM   #4
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Maybe there's nothing to bring out because you are always your genuine self. Being okay with who you are isn't a bad thing. Being able to grow as a person and move forward at a pace you're comfortable with is your right. She could have been more considerate and supportive of something like that. Push but not be pushy.

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So, because I'm figuring out who I am more, I'm only discovering the type I want to be with eventually. I just wish I could have realized this before the relationship ended.
Are you saying that you've realized that who/what you want is your ex? I'll get burned at the stake for saying something like this but if you've truly changed and are ready, you can always break NC to see where that road leads. Only you know when and if you want to take that drive. Though, If none of the issues have been fixed - its just going to lead you down the same path.
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Old 12th April 2013, 4:42 AM   #5
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For a brief explanation about my background, I've been NC for 3 months now after a nearly 4 year relationship ended due to some of my misbehavior. I've had to deal with a lot of regret over the situation, realizing she was such a unique and dynamic person in my life. Since then, I've learned a lot about myself, figuring out I want my future partner to be someone that shares some characteristics of my ex's personality. So, about a month ago, I connected with this girl on twitter. We had a lighthearted, silly exchange about something very random around two weeks ago, and sine then, I've been obsessing over her. She lives in an entirely different state from me and has a fiancee. But, I've saved pictures of her on my phone and computer. She reminds me of my ex so much. She's seemingly weird, smart, has a knack for inappropriate humor, and even looks like my ex in a vague sort of way. Last week, because my obsession with her was becoming really desperate and bizarre, with me looking at her pictures during most of the day, writing her name repeatedly in my notebook for class notes, I finally deleted her from twitter. I feel like this obsession with her is only a transference of how badly I want to break NC and FB creep on my ex. Can anyone relate to a situation like this, finding someone that reminds you of your ex and obsessing over them? Your responses are much appreciated. Thank you.

so do you feel strongly for your ex still? do you obsess over your ex?forget the twitter girl fro th emoment and deal with what is unresolved


i think of my ex sometimes when i cant say how i feel........and he seems to know what to say to make me feel better he has told me i can ring him anytime he will be there for me....we still talk and there are times i need a mans perspective someone who knows me.......the real me...he is as close as i have to that.it is possible he may be the last to really know me...he once told me he was flattered that i would feel that way....i contemplate just being held by him when i feel unattractive....so its not obsession for me and my ex..it me missing intimacy and having someone in my life who gets me....he knew me thats all it is........i actually feel for someone else didnt think it would ever happen but it did...he actually is nothing like my ex.........totally different....the only thing that is the same is that my love is unrequited and not wanted...and maybe that is because in all honesty i probably dont want someone close to me at all....thats not true.....i do ....he just isnt interested...maybe its freudian for me.....i repeat.......how do you really feel about your ex..........deb
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