How to cope with being used

[martys]

hey guys, 3 month stalker. thought i'd give it a go!

 

me and my ex broke up on new years eve 2012, i'm 24, she's 21. our relationship lasted 10 months. we met at uni, and we all shared a house together.

 

she broke up with her boyfriend, and we started the relationship 2 months after their relationship ended. her ex was nasty to her, controlling, abusive, obsessive, and damn right rude to her... she has no plans to talk to him ever again. they went out for 1 and a half years.

 

before we got together i asked her if she thought I would be a rebound, i was quite cautious for the first 2 months. she said that i wasn't, definitely, 100% sure. so i decided we should take it slow anyway, because my gut was telling me otherwise... and because i didn't want to rush anything. so i decided not to have sex with her for 2 months. she was quite pressuring, she wanted to do it, almost every day. she would dress up in a nurse outfit, and all other stuff trying to tempt me, but i wouldn't budge. I asked her again, if i was a rebound, to which she said definitively not, so again, it reassured me quite a lot.

 

About a week or so later we had sex and it was great, felt like i had a little connection with her, was nice. during our time together she would speak about her ex constantly, saying stuff like 'your nothing like him, your so much better!' checking his facebook quite a lot, taking the piss about him, etc... more flags raised. about a month afterwords she would start having weird mood swings, and was really quite nasty sometimes. there was a time she snapped at me for no apparent reason, her friend was in the room at the time, she seemed confused by her behavior too. that night i wanted to end it with her, i don't appreciate being spoken to like **** for no reason, and some flags were raised at this point again, and didn't want to risk it anymore, i thought i should end it before i get really hurt. she started crying and apologizing, begging me to give her another chance, which i foolishly did... because she did look sincere and really sorry.

 

i found out that she was telling her friends about me, about what our arguments are about, one of them called me a dickhead, when it was entirely her fault! and i get called being a dickhead for no reason! so i asked her, 'would it be ok if we dont tell our friends about each other, because i dont like being judged, especially when the facts aren't right.' but then i said 'actually, no, scap that, i dont want to be controlling', so i apologized, but she then said 'no no i want to do it, to prove to you that i want this to work.' so i asked her loads if she was sure, and she said she was definitely sure, and i said i wouldn't tell me friends anything we argue about to my friends either. and all seemed fine.

 

when we were driving back from somewhere she told me she loved me. i got butterflies, and i felt the same way, so i told her i loved her back.

 

a little bit later, one of my best friends (who also lived in the house) looked at her through a key hole whilst she showered (he had liked her for a while), she told me about it 3 months AFTER it happen. i was so furious. wanted to end it again, the trust was really diminishing at this point, and was getting incredibly insecure. but she kept crying, she was sorry, all the rest of it... so i forgave her again. i told my so called best mate to **** off and not to talk to me again. my gf(at the time) felt the same way, so he was out of our lives.

 

she kept looking through her ex's facebook with her friends, and there was a time she was smiling and stuff with he mates, but then she had noticed he had gone of on holiday with his girlfriend. her face dropped, and looked shocked. and i said to her, 'so what if he has gone on holiday, what does it matter?' she didn't respond. more flags.

 

i asked her if she had been speaking to her friends about me, she said no, and wrote a convincing story. but i had logged onto her facebook to find that she had. so i confronted her, and she said 'you need to trust me!' *pause* 'but you have a reason not to, i bet your really angry at me' and i said 'no. if you do want to talk to your friends that's fine, and we can remove that promise of not talking to our friends, but please don't keep lying to me'.

 

on her birthday she went to a stripclub, and touched the strippers penis, because of the untrustworthy state i was with her i got so upset! even her mum came in and tried to sort things, all of her friends were downstairs, and bloody hell... i have never been so embarrassed in all my life. and still am to this very day! but i wouldnt have reacted that way if she hadn't kept lying to me and making me insecure. i aplogized to her and her mum LOADS, was truely sorry for overreacting.

 

anyway, to cut a long story short:

I wanted to breakup with her more than several times throughout, because she kept lying to me, breaking promises, being rude and really disrespectful. was getting me down so bad!

my ex 'best mate' got back in contact with my gf, and said they should forget about it, and immidiately they started talking as if nothing had happen, quite literally *snaps fingers* talking like they were best mates. I was so confused, i was angry and told her it's either me or him, she couldn't decide. so i apologized for asking her to chose, but i said to her you can do as you like, but i will never be his friend again. to which she said ok.

 

for the next 3 months my ex best friend would message her dirty stuff, saying he liked her, had nice legs, and all the rest of it. i told her to tell him to stop it, i was surprised she wasn't feeling uncomfortable about what he had ben saying, she said she would, but never did. (he cheated on his girlfriend, and told me to lie to her, to which i did. before me and my ex went out)she said he had 'changed', and i said 'no he hasnt!' 'hes trying to steal you away from me, hes an absolute slime ball who has no respect for anyone.' she agreed and said hes still an absolute prick.

 

few weeks go by, hes still writing dirty stuff to her, and i ask her if she had said anything to him yet, and she responded with 'you seem questiony'. all she had to do was say yes or no, and it all exploded from there and she dumped me...

 

fastforward a month and a bit.

 

i look around yahoo answers looking for some advice, and i come across something my ex had wrote on there as a question. my heart skipped a million beats. i went on there and it basically said, i was a rebound, i meant nothing to her, i was a manipulative prick, and that she had liked my ex best friend throughout the relationship, and that they are seeing each other.

 

my heart sank so much, i was used so bad and feel great pain, anger and sadness, even 3 months on. i am doing a lot better, but still feel hurt and used, i cant shake the feeling. i am over her completely, but i just feel utter stupidity on my part for trusting her... i only went on her word, and i trusted every word of it. :/

 

any advice would be amazing, and sorry for the long post!

Edited April 11, 2013 by martys

[Cogee]

In hindsight you will pick up a lot of clues as to her true intentions and you have already picked out some juicy ones. In the future you will learn to recognize these as they happen and learn to deal with them.

 

I was a rebound in my second relationship, and now recognize all the classic signs of one. Now, if I pick up on any of these signs, I simply stop dating the person and either friend zone them or go NC. In my latest relationship I've learned to recognize the signs that someone is lying or cheating. In hindsight I can see those signs now, and if I could repeat things again with this knowledge I would have dumped her.

 

You live in and learn. Sorry you had to go through that.

[polyglot]

hey guys, 3 month stalker. thought i'd give it a go!

 

me and my ex broke up on new years eve 2012, i'm 24, she's 21. our relationship lasted 10 months. we met at uni, and we all shared a house together.

 

she broke up with her boyfriend, and we started the relationship 2 months after their relationship ended. her ex was nasty to her, controlling, abusive, obsessive, and damn right rude to her... she has no plans to talk to him ever again. they went out for 1 and a half years.

 

before we got together i asked her if she thought I would be a rebound, i was quite cautious for the first 2 months. she said that i wasn't, definitely, 100% sure. so i decided we should take it slow anyway, because my gut was telling me otherwise... and because i didn't want to rush anything. so i decided not to have sex with her for 2 months. she was quite pressuring, she wanted to do it, almost every day. she would dress up in a nurse outfit, and all other stuff trying to tempt me, but i wouldn't budge. I asked her again, if i was a rebound, to which she said definitively not, so again, it reassured me quite a lot.

 

About a week or so later we had sex and it was great, felt like i had a little connection with her, was nice. during our time together she would speak about her ex constantly, saying stuff like 'your nothing like him, your so much better!' checking his facebook quite a lot, taking the piss about him, etc... more flags raised. about a month afterwords she would start having weird mood swings, and was really quite nasty sometimes. there was a time she snapped at me for no apparent reason, her friend was in the room at the time, she seemed confused by her behavior too. that night i wanted to end it with her, i don't appreciate being spoken to like **** for no reason, and some flags were raised at this point again, and didn't want to risk it anymore, i thought i should end it before i get really hurt. she started crying and apologizing, begging me to give her another chance, which i foolishly did... because she did look sincere and really sorry.

 

i found out that she was telling her friends about me, about what our arguments are about, one of them called me a dickhead, when it was entirely her fault! and i get called being a dickhead for no reason! so i asked her, 'would it be ok if we dont tell our friends about each other, because i dont like being judged, especially when the facts aren't right.' but then i said 'actually, no, scap that, i dont want to be controlling', so i apologized, but she then said 'no no i want to do it, to prove to you that i want this to work.' so i asked her loads if she was sure, and she said she was definitely sure, and i said i wouldn't tell me friends anything we argue about to my friends either. and all seemed fine.

 

when we were driving back from somewhere she told me she loved me. i got butterflies, and i felt the same way, so i told her i loved her back.

 

a little bit later, one of my best friends (who also lived in the house) looked at her through a key hole whilst she showered (he had liked her for a while), she told me about it 3 months AFTER it happen. i was so furious. wanted to end it again, the trust was really diminishing at this point, and was getting incredibly insecure. but she kept crying, she was sorry, all the rest of it... so i forgave her again. i told my so called best mate to **** off and not to talk to me again. my gf(at the time) felt the same way, so he was out of our lives.

 

she kept looking through her ex's facebook with her friends, and there was a time she was smiling and stuff with he mates, but then she had noticed he had gone of on holiday with his girlfriend. her face dropped, and looked shocked. and i said to her, 'so what if he has gone on holiday, what does it matter?' she didn't respond. more flags.

 

i asked her if she had been speaking to her friends about me, she said no, and wrote a convincing story. but i had logged onto her facebook to find that she had. so i confronted her, and she said 'you need to trust me!' *pause* 'but you have a reason not to, i bet your really angry at me' and i said 'no. if you do want to talk to your friends that's fine, and we can remove that promise of not talking to our friends, but please don't keep lying to me'.

 

on her birthday she went to a stripclub, and touched the strippers penis, because of the untrustworthy state i was with her i got so upset! even her mum came in and tried to sort things, all of her friends were downstairs, and bloody hell... i have never been so embarrassed in all my life. and still am to this very day! but i wouldnt have reacted that way if she hadn't kept lying to me and making me insecure. i aplogized to her and her mum LOADS, was truely sorry for overreacting.

 

anyway, to cut a long story short:

I wanted to breakup with her more than several times throughout, because she kept lying to me, breaking promises, being rude and really disrespectful. was getting me down so bad!

my ex 'best mate' got back in contact with my gf, and said they should forget about it, and immidiately they started talking as if nothing had happen, quite literally *snaps fingers* talking like they were best mates. I was so confused, i was angry and told her it's either me or him, she couldn't decide. so i apologized for asking her to chose, but i said to her you can do as you like, but i will never be his friend again. to which she said ok.

 

for the next 3 months my ex best friend would message her dirty stuff, saying he liked her, had nice legs, and all the rest of it. i told her to tell him to stop it, i was surprised she wasn't feeling uncomfortable about what he had ben saying, she said she would, but never did. (he cheated on his girlfriend, and told me to lie to her, to which i did. before me and my ex went out)she said he had 'changed', and i said 'no he hasnt!' 'hes trying to steal you away from me, hes an absolute slime ball who has no respect for anyone.' she agreed and said hes still an absolute prick.

 

few weeks go by, hes still writing dirty stuff to her, and i ask her if she had said anything to him yet, and she responded with 'you seem questiony'. all she had to do was say yes or no, and it all exploded from there and she dumped me...

 

fastforward a month and a bit.

 

i look around yahoo answers looking for some advice, and i come across something my ex had wrote on there as a question. my heart skipped a million beats. i went on there and it basically said, i was a rebound, i meant nothing to her, i was a manipulative prick, and that she had liked my ex best friend throughout the relationship, and that they are seeing each other.

 

my heart sank so much, i was used so bad and feel great pain, anger and sadness, even 3 months on. i am doing a lot better, but still feel hurt and used, i cant shake the feeling. i am over her completely, but i just feel utter stupidity on my part for trusting her... i only went on her word, and i trusted every word of it. :/

 

any advice would be amazing, and sorry for the long post!

 

That's sad. The immediate thing you need is to get rid of the feelings of hurt and being used.

 

I know these thoughts recur. So our mind works this way. When you think of something so much, you want it. Instead because you want to **** her out of your head.

 

Everytime your mind unconsciously thinks of her. Just think of something pleasant. Don't browse or go through anything that you went through together.

 

Hope it helps. Takes time, yes an easy 2-4 weeks at a stretch.

[martys]

thanks for the advice guys,

 

yeah i will learn from this whole experience definitely, but i never want to re-live it, ever. i feel utter crap, not meaning anything to someone, who i loved with all my heart, its a weird feeling.

 

but how do you get rid of the feelings? :/ i have tried, and i honestly can't shake it, she has hurt me so badly its unreal, i was literally nothing. i sometimes think to myself, did she really love me? all the things she said to me, did she mean it? i'm not so sure anymore :/

 

there was a time when we were over her house, she went downstairs and i overheard her mum and her talking, and her mum said 'if he was to come up to me in a few years time to ask me that he wanted to marry you, i would never say no, hes lovely' and i kinda feel like a let-down. sounds weird i know, but i did honestly think i would some-day marry her... even though all the **** she was doing, she kept telling me she would stop it, and i kept believing... :/

 

been in NC for 2 months...

 

thanks for the advice guys, appreciate it anyone else had any similar experiences with being used?

[martys]

bumpy bumps

[Am4Real]

You're young, probably new with relationships and like everyone will figure out how to spot incompatibilities/flaws in a partner. Some of these you can tolerate, call them healthy nuances if you will, some you shouldn't tolerate and do. The latter happened to you.

 

From your writing you easily saw the signs and ignored them, perhaps hoping they would go away, even when multiple issues arose.

 

In your next relationship there will be other signs. Take your new wisdom and let it guide you in the future.

 

BTW, your EX fits the description of a young, immature twenty-one year old who is playing the field -- playing is the key word. Chalk it up to youth, immaturity and wildness for now. If what you describe ever happens to her (and it's likely) she will understand what she put you through and hopefully change her behaviors. But frankly, who cares...

 

I'm sorry you were used and deceived. Understand this: all of what you describe are HER character flaws at this time, not YOURS. Being a recipient, a victim of sorts, is only the outcome of HER flaws.

[Leigh 87]

This girl is of a disgusting character.

 

Some girls really do have no integrity or self respect.

 

No decent, good quality women would behave like this girl did.

 

Your lucky you are rid of her! You sound like a lovely guy, and there are women out there that are GOOD people, and who will treat you very well.

 

...............

 

I would NEVER treat a guy like this:sick:

 

And I treat the men I choose to spend a lot of time with, VERY well; I make them feel like the most special person in my life, and I tell them how much I love and appreciate having them.

 

This girl sounds like she used you as a game. It is quit sick, really.

 

A decent person would have just gone after the person they liked, rather than just date someone they were not into, when they really liked someone else better:sick:

 

It sounds like this women is too week to be alone, and wanted you as fun to fill in the time, until she got who she really wanted.

 

Only sociopaths or downright MEAN people do this.

 

Do not let the fact she is nice to some people fool you; she is NOT a nice person.

 

I sincerely hope she seeks to better herself and become a nicer person who treats people with respect.

[Leigh 87]

Oh and I Just wanted to say this again:

 

You sound like a really nice person:)

 

Logically and statistically speaking - there are other women out there who you will feel just as strongly about, or more strongly about!

 

You want to pick a women who you not only feel that strongly about again, but who also treats you very well.

 

There ARE women out there who treat men well.

 

................................................................

 

 

And your ex best friend is an @sshole.

 

My boyfriends ex best friend tried to kiss me once, and then denied it, saying I was way too ugly for him anyway and as if he would do that:sick:

 

Yeah another one of his good mates did it too:sick::sick::sick:

 

Some people are truly unbelievable!

[martys]

hi, thanks for the responses

 

yeah i am kinda young i suppose, almost 25, i have had only one proper relationship in the past, when i was 16! haha, i got cheated on... and this is going to sound weird, but the girl who cheated on me had the decency to tell me immediately and was very apologetic, and was truthful with what she said to me, but i actually hate my latest ex more because of all the lies and broken promises and being used... not sure if thats normal? :/

 

so after being cheated on i decided to be VERY careful in choosing a woman that could be a good suit. there were a few women who i could have been in a relationship with, but i didn't really feel as though they were right, but she came along and i felt an instant connection.

 

this may sound as if i'm defending her, but she is a nice girl... well, can be. she has some good qualities about her. but i guess i have now seen her for her true colors, i don't know if she got too comfortable and she knew she could be so cruel to me and get away with it, or she knew that she could walk all over me with her **** stained shoes like a doormat because she knew i was head over heels for her, i don't know what happen, she was so lovely at the start, and it all deteriorated over time :/.

 

she likes having a big ego, she talks to her guy friends in ways to lead them on, and keep them interested, not sure if she means to, or if shes just being friendly, but i have heard a story from a mutual friend of ours and it seems she does do it quite often :/

 

i know that relationships are all about learning from them, and understanding where it went wrong. but i just want to be happy, and for me to be loved by someone legitimately, not some sloppy rebound who meant jack ****... i should have stood my ground back then with the breakup attempts. i needed to drop my purse back then and think of ME not her... ahhh the what if's... lol.

 

thanks a lot for the advice you two! i know not all women are like this, even though my only relationships have been terrible, gotta think of the positives!

Edited April 12, 2013 by martys

[martys]

urgh, keep thinking about the good times... i NEED to shake this feeling. gym is helping a lot, but why do i care about her so much after what she put me through!? :/ 3 and a half months broken up and still... i hate her, but miss her. wtf :/

[itto ogami]

She's 21 and INCAPABLE of being in the kind of relationship you want and need. It has NOTHING to do with you and once you see that and look forward, you will find somebody more suitable.

[martys]

yeah of course i understand that, such a waste of time and effort though. i put this girl on a pedestal every single day, loved her unconditionally, even through all the lies and bull**** she was putting me through... its just so annoying. i hate her, yet miss her. :/

[jovan]

yo ho ho and a bottle of rum... She's not worth it bro