Limited Contact Is Killing Me

[GudDude2013]

So it's been almost 2 months since our BU. The first six weeks was spent in strict NC, although i've suspected that she has tried to contact me during that period with no success. After this period the overwhelming desire to see our child motivated me to start LC.

 

Now when I say limited, I mean limited. We meet when I drop off my kid, as sometimes I don't necessarily have to see her to pick up. During these very brief drop offs we have shared less than 3 sentences between us. I barely even want to look at her.

 

The anger I felt about the horrible fight we had that day has mostly subsided, but remembering the things she's said to me will forever echo in my mind, not easily forgiven or forgotten. Anyway, I had suspected that she was seeing someone else before our big fight, which makes forgiveness an even more daunting task. Well, who cares if I forgive her or not, right? As she has moved on with whomever.

 

The thing is I miss her tremendously as my logic tries to wrestle some sense into my emotions. I'm not totally convinced I want her back persee, but I want something to do with her even if it's just some sort of understanding. I understand having no contact with her is the best option, but a phone call or even text message sometimes, believe it or not, is too much for me to ask for from my family in mediating my visits, so i'm left with LC to coordinate my visits on my own.

 

Consequently, i've been experiencing a bit of anxiety when it's time to exchange our child. Basically seeing her hurts! I've deleted us as friends on FB as I couldn't stand trying to interpret her posts, and knew the minute something was posted concerning her new relationship I would be distraught, to say the least, so atleast I've done myself that favor.

 

I mean we can all attest to how hard sticking to NC can be, but when it's LC, even for the sake of the child, it makes it harder. I mean whatever healing I manage to do with the bandaid i've placed over my emotional wound gets ripped off everytime we meet. The fact that she seems so happy doesn't help. It's not even a scar that could remain visible yet still healed, but an open wound that I've been trying to stitch up myself as I have no one else to talk to about it.

 

I rejoice in the visits I get with my child, but when drop off time comes my scab gets yanked off, and my stitches get busted back open again. I fight tooth and nail not to say too much to her. I have so much to say that I can't say anything. I don't know if my pride won't let me be the bigger person, or that I won't give her the satisfaction to know how I feel. I don't want to even give her the option of rejecting me, and some awkward, emotional banter on my part. I try to stick to the less you say the less likely you'll say something stupid.

 

I am not over the attachment that we once shared, although I wouldn't say that i'm still in love with her. I miss her companionship, and being as though I feel like I never really knew her, a part of me still wants to get to know her. My anxiety over this situation multiplies when I think about how much longer is it going to be before she makes her new relationship official to me by picking up with her new dude in tow. I wouldn't put this past her as it doesn't seem like she'd miss the chance to do me dirty once more, if only to hurt or get a reaction.

 

I do hope in time that we would be able to converse again when I'm not so fragile and vulnerable. I wonder if she still misses me or thinks about me. I've come to accept alot in our lost relationship, but I don't know how much more of this LC arrangement I can take!

 

I really don't know what to do, any advice?