Why do we want them back so bad?

[ChrisC81]

I have been asking myself this question. I know I would love to have him come back despite everything, and I do miss him more than anything. But, why? Yes, there was that connection we had for years and that comfortably, but why do we truly want that person back that left us in the dust? I think about him and things he’s done in the past that are very unattractive, and even incompatible with me and I know it. And I know in my heart deep down it was probably the right thing for the end to come, but I ignore this. My desire for him takes over any rational thought and completely dominates any logical thinking. A part of me thinks rejection comes into play. Do you guys think the rejection of the person you were with is the driving force of the desire for them? Do you feel this has a big part in your infatuation and obsession with this person who hurt you? Because you can no longer have access to them anymore?

[cavalier99]

Yup. Definitely. Cav

[NoBrainer]

I was just asking myself the same question. I'm not sure why.

Maybe, it has something to do with the lack of control. Like, I feel like

I had zero say in how it ended.

Plus, I play the should have game.

I should have done this or that... Blah, blah, blah.

The mistakes made in my relationship all seem so easy to overcome, now.

 

It may have something to do with being codependent, too.

Looking outside yourself for validation. And when someone you love rejects you, it kick off the insecurities that have always been there.

[McGriff]

It's all about the brain and chemical release. It's been proven in laboratories. I would cite the article I read a few days ago, but I'm too lazy to find it for ya. It's the same chemical release from people with drug addictions.

[Damsel in Distress]

A part of me thinks rejection comes into play. Do you guys think the rejection of the person you were with is the driving force of the desire for them? Do you feel this has a big part in your infatuation and obsession with this person who hurt you? Because you can no longer have access to them anymore?

 

Absolutely! No doubt.

 

I was just asking myself the same question. I'm not sure why.

Maybe, it has something to do with the lack of control. Like, I feel like

I had zero say in how it ended.

 

Absolutely!

 

There was a recent thread about dumpees putting dumpers on a pedestal. I think in most breakups the dumper was already beginning to withdraw, and with the natural push-pull, we were already starting to put them on a pedestal - we want what we can't have - them withdrawing makes us hang on tighter. That works both ways I can definitely think back on some times during the relationship that HE was more into me - it was a little too much and decreased my desire. But when he dumped me my desire was crazy. It's like that subject line on a thread: dumpers on their gilded pedestals. We focus on how perfect they were, the wonderful times, etc. and that makes ignore all the negatives and want them back!

[uniqwa]

I honestly think it's deeper then that..

The fact you "can't have them" comes in to play, but it's the realization that what you had is GONE. I had been close to my ex, I loved him. It's the loss. When you breakup, you lose that connection that initially bonded you to that person, most people who are with someone for an xamount of time, feel bonded. There is something there ( unless they don't give a **** and are using you) that keeps you grounded.. It's the magic, the butterflies, the missing his voice, laughter, the cuddles, " I love you", when they leave you miss those the most.. Then it becomes as though, you are standing still, They've moved on, they don't care, but you literally cling to the person that once said " I love you more then anything", and that's what makes everything a million times worse, despite what ever problems there may have been, it feels like you've been struck with lightening aka the cruel reality that time waits for no man.. You grow up, because with every heartache it makes you stronger.. How do you forget that feeling of " the sun is shining, the birds are singing, I am in love", that was literally Theee best feeling in the world, to love someone and literally give your whole heart, that is a beautiful feeling. You can't forget that.