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Dumped suddenly for not being sexual enough


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Old 9th April 2013, 12:11 PM   #1
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Dumped suddenly for not being sexual enough

This is probably going to sound stupid because I was only going out with this girl for a little over two weeks and only 3 dates, but here goes...

I'll give the TL;DR version first since this ended up being really long:

After third date and a couple times making out girl said we should just be friends. She thought I wasn't pushing things forward enough sexually, after telling me the entire time we were dating that she doesn't have sex until she is in a relationship and telling me she liked how respectful I was compared to other guys.


So I met this girl online and we kind of just clicked instantly. Before we had even gone out we had texted a ridiculous amount (I'm not really the phone call type) and when we did go out for our first date we mutually agreed that it felt like we knew one another already and were already really comfortable with one another. We didn't kiss when saying goodbye but she texted me later that night and said she wanted to kiss me at the end of the date, and I told her I felt the same way.

At this point I was kind of not sure about her because I had been starting to feel like I just wanted to go into the Summer being single and actually try to meet girls in person for once (I've only really met girls online for the past 2 years). I told my parents/friends about the date and explained that I actually felt like she was a little bit too into me. I was kind of hung up on one of her facial features that I wasn't all that attracted to and the clothes she was wearing didn't give me much to go on as far as her figure. Anyway, since I enjoyed the date I wanted to see her again because I don't like writing people off that quickly when there seems to be good chemistry. We continued to text a ton and when I told her I was doing some online clothes shopping she helped me find clothes to buy (I don't have much of a sense of style, avoid taking risks and I'm not really comfortable buying trendy clothes, so having her to help me out with it was great).

So, for date number two we went out for dinner and then went back to her place and watched some TV. We did some making out and overall I felt like it was a great date. At this point I realized that I did want a relationship with her. As for the facial feature I didn't like before, I totally wrote it off as not a problem at all because I was otherwise really into her and was feeling much more physical attraction. By this point we had made plans for probably 10 dates, just talking about the things we wanted to do together, and one of them even involved meeting her parents (which I would normally be freaked out by so early, but since I was into her I was kind of happy she wanted to go there already). We talked about how long we normally wait before having sex and I told her at least a few dates, while she said she waits until she is in a relationship, which I am totally cool with and respect. To be honest, I'm a mid-twenties virgin but long ago learned not to let my secret out because every time I've done it in the past it ended any chances I had with the girls I was seeing.

So, two days later we had date number three. We were supposed to hang out on Sunday to watch a TV show that I had turned her on to and she had become kind of obsessed with, but we wanted to see each other sooner so I went to her place on Saturday night to watch a movie. She wanted to see me in some of the clothes she had helped me pick out since I overbought thinking I would return some stuff, so I tried on the clothes and we sorted out what looked/fit good and what didn't. Then we watched the movie. I don't like making out while a movie is on because I'd rather pay attention to the movie, so we saved the making out for afterward. We cuddled during the movie with her head on my chest, and a couple times I felt her fingers kind of playing with the inside of my upper thigh, but very subtly. I wrote it off as being nothing because of her "no sex until relationship" rule. She asked me when I lost my virginity and I told her I lost it at 21... I figure if I have to lie about it I might as well make it seem pretty late (and don't tell me I don't have to lie, haha, I'm not stupid and I know 95% of girls would run for the hills if I told the truth). She said she respected that and didn't see it as late at all. She has always said how she likes how I'm respectful and not like other guys who are just in it for sex. She has mostly dated *******s in the past and wanted to date a nice guy.

So we end up making out, and to be honest, I'm not all that into making out in general unless I'm drunk. I haven't done enough of it consistently in my life to feel like I know what I'm doing, so I over think it and worry that I'm not good or I'm embarrassing myself, so I tend to probably cut the making out short. I figure the less time I spend doing it the less time they have to think I'm horrible, which is probably stupid of me. I didn't go for any second base stuff because of all that we had talked about in the past and how it seemed like she wasn't ready for sex. I figured I'd let her initiate if she wanted to take things further.

I did do some stupid things over the course of the night, none of which I did because I'm not into her but may have hinted at that being the case. For instance while making out someone on a TV show that was on in the background said something ridiculous, and I stopped making out for a second and repeated it. I don't know... I thought I was being funny I guess and I was just kind of caught off guard by what I had heard. I also ended a couple of sentences with "man" over the course of the night (like "what are you doing, man" or whatever) which she didn't seem to like. She asked why I was calling her "man" and I told her it's just something I say sometimes (I don't know why I was doing it, it's not something I do all that much in general). I ended up heading home pretty late and we kissed goodbye.

The following day I text her and we talk for a couple minutes, and then she tells me that she knows it's sudden but she thinks we should just be friends. She said she thinks we have great chemistry and that I'm a great guy, but she wasn't feeling anything sexually the night before. I told her I was trying not to be all that sexual because of all of the signs she had given me that she doesn't want that sort of stuff to happen so soon. She replied that sex is off the table for the first few dates but not forever and that other stuff is always on the table. She said she likes a guy who is a little bit sexually aggressive, especially by the third date and she was taken aback by the situation. I explained that I am more sexually aggressive than that and I was just holding back because of the signs I was getting from her (not really a lie in my book because although I obviously haven't been sexually aggressive in the past I wanted to at least get to second base or whatever) but held back because of the signs she had given me. Things kind of went back and forth like this for a little while and then she basically said "have a nice life" and all I could say was "you too."

I was really caught off guard by this and I'm way more upset about it than I probably should be. Just the thought that she ended it because she thought she was more into me than I was into her just kills me. I don't get how someone can be as into someone as she seemed to be, and just cut things off because of one night that didn't go exactly as she apparently hoped. It really sucks for me because I'm so sick of doing the online dating thing, and I very rarely have opportunities to meet people besides drunk girls at bars, which I'm really not into. I don't know, I've just had no one to talk to about this and I keep thinking that I hope she texts/calls and says she made a mistake and wants to see me again.

It's been two days now and I keep thinking of things to say to try to get her back, but I have kind of already said almost everything I could have to let her know that I really am into her and was holding back on being sexual out of respect for the signs she was showing. I just don't want it to end without giving it one more shot. If I were to text/email her one last time and have her not respond, it would suck but I feel like I'd have a little bit more closure.

I really like to at least have something like this end with some sort of lesson learned but I really can't think of one here. Be a creep and push things further sexually when a girl has given every reason to believe that's not what she wants? I'm just sick of being the nice guy and getting screwed over for it.
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Old 9th April 2013, 12:48 PM   #2
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I did do some stupid things over the course of the night, none of which I did because I'm not into her but may have hinted at that being the case. For instance while making out someone on a TV show that was on in the background said something ridiculous, and I stopped making out for a second and repeated it. I don't know... I thought I was being funny I guess and I was just kind of caught off guard by what I had heard. I also ended a couple of sentences with "man" over the course of the night (like "what are you doing, man" or whatever) which she didn't seem to like. She asked why I was calling her "man" and I told her it's just something I say sometimes (I don't know why I was doing it, it's not something I do all that much in general). I ended up heading home pretty late and we kissed goodbye.

Yeah, that was kind of a bonehead move. This girl was opening up to you and allowing you to explore her and her body. Then, all of the sudden you start quoting the TV? That probably turned her off. It let her know that you were more interested in the tv than with her. Your attention was drawn elsewhere.

You stated that you are a virgin and to be honest, there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. Actually, it should be a plus for you. It lets a girl know that you don't give it up to anybody or anyone. If you told a girl that's looking for a nice guy (as she said she was) that you were a virgin and you were waiting for the right girl; well, that's a challange to them. She might have wanted the opportunity to prove to you that she is the right girl for you.

A lot of girls would respect the fact that you are a virgin because it would seem that you would be more interested in getting to know them rather than what you can get OFF of them. That you're just not looking to get a piece of ass. You are in the drivers seat and you just don't see it.

So, I don't know if it would help you, but if you talk to her again I think it would be a nice time to start being honest with her. Say, "Look, I lied to you because I'm a little embarassed. You said that I wasn't sexual enough. Well, there's a reason to it. I'm really a virgin and I was ashamed to tell you the truth. But, you said you're looking for a nice guy. Well, I am that nice guy. All I'm asking is that you don't rule me out due to lack of experience because I feel that I have a lot to offer and I shouldn't be pentalized because I've been saving myself for the right girl." Put it all on her. Let her evaluate the situation and determine for herself what she wants to do with the truth. But, you can never build a relationship if it's being built on a foundation that has lies in it.
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Old 9th April 2013, 1:41 PM   #3
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Thanks for reading all that Chi townD! I was thinking it was too long and no one would, but I wanted to get everything out.

Yeah, I regretted saying that the second it came out of my mouth... I think I was listening to the TV to try to distract myself when making out so I don't over think it, but it backfired this time haha.

Ya know, I think you may be on to something with the virginity thing. I guess I just think it's a crazy thing to say to most girls because I've embarrassed myself pretty badly in the past by saying it (told a girl when I was 21 right before we were about to have sex and got called a joke, that was awesome...), but in this situation I guess I have nothing to lose. She did tell me how old she was when she lost hers and I thought it was pretty late, and she seemed to wish she waited longer so maybe she would admire it.

I just feel so weird about it. I'm still Facebook friends with this girl and I have this crazy fear that she's going to post that I'm a virgin afterward for everyone to see or something, haha. I think I may wait a little while and then do that though, thanks!
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Old 9th April 2013, 2:01 PM   #4
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I just feel so weird about it. I'm still Facebook friends with this girl and I have this crazy fear that she's going to post that I'm a virgin afterward for everyone to see or something, haha. I think I may wait a little while and then do that though, thanks!

I seriously doubt that she's going to broadcast the fact that you're a virgin over social media. And so what if she does! You carry yourself with confidence and be proud of the fact that you're not one of these guys running around with 4 kids from four different women. Sticking it to whoever they can. She would probably be doing you a favor! THERE'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF BEING A VIRGIN! If one of these girls asked you, "Are you seriously a virgin?" Just hold your head up high and say, "Yeah, I just want to wait for the right girl. I want it to be special for me." Who the hell is gonna laugh at that? And if they do, then they are definitely NOT the girls you want your first time to be with.

There are several types of girls out there. Perhaps you're trying to get with the ones that aren't serious about relationships. That are party girls and will party it up with random guys and she moves on to the next party. But, trust me. There are girls out there that are looking for good guys. Guys that will show them everyday that they are adored and desired. That will treat them right and with respect. A lot of girls would rather prefer that more than sex. Sex is a byproduct of treating a girl right. You treat a girl with respect, kindness and romance (sweep her off her feet) and she'll want you badly.

Sex is and isn't overrated. You can have sex with a girl you barely know and it will be nice and it will be fun...but, it's just sex. Nothing special. BUT! when you have sex with a girl that you have a romantic connection to, that you've taken the time to get to know the girl and who she is. A girl that you've grown to love and respect..the sex is absolutely MINDBLOWING!

So, you're doing things kinda the right way. And don't be ashamed of being a virgin. I think more girls would respect it rather than make fun of you for it.
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Old 9th April 2013, 2:12 PM   #5
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You sound very passive with girls. I'm sorry she ended things but I'm honestly not that surprised based on your behavior. You have to let a girl know you really like her. If you don't initiate much with the physical stuff she will assume you're not that attracted to her--which is maybe accurate in this case?

She's right that it's very easy to let a girl know you're into her physically without going all the way. It sounds like you were lukewarm about making out and shepicked up on that.
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Old 9th April 2013, 2:13 PM   #6
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Saying you are a virgin to your date can actually be a benefit to you. I too was close-lipped about it because of my age at the time but planned to say something eventually when I felt we were going to be making that step. Well, things got to that point before I was ready so I was of course a little apprehensive on how to proceed. I let go and just went with the flow.

Afterwards I told her that it was my first experience and she was shocked. It actually didn't go too badly and she pumped up my tires by saying she could only tell because of how apprehensive I was. She was actually turned on by the thought that I was her first and that I was eager to learn LOL. It also eased her to know that if I did something like you did (say something that was a big turn off in the moment) she could joke about it and tell me kindly not to do that again.

She never ever made an issue out of me being a virgin. Just be honest with your partner and if they are not understanding, then they are not a good fit for you anyway.
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Old 9th April 2013, 2:16 PM   #7
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Why are you a virgin out of curiosity? It sounds like you've had at least several opportunities to have your cherry popped.
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Old 9th April 2013, 5:17 PM   #8
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There are several types of girls out there. Perhaps you're trying to get with the ones that aren't serious about relationships
Honestly, I'm not sure exactly what type of girl I want at this point. I don't want one night stands, but at the same time I'm a little bit scared of meeting "the one" at this point. How would I even really know if she's the one if I've never really been in a relationship? The closest thing to a relationship I've been in was a few month thing during college were we could only hang out on weekends and ended with the girl calling me a joke for being a virgin, and saying she could never have sex with me because I'd get too attached.

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You sound very passive with girls. I'm sorry she ended things but I'm honestly not that surprised based on your behavior. You have to let a girl know you really like her. If you don't initiate much with the physical stuff she will assume you're not that attracted to her--which is maybe accurate in this case?

She's right that it's very easy to let a girl know you're into her physically without going all the way. It sounds like you were lukewarm about making out and shepicked up on that.
I honestly wouldn't have been as passive if she didn't tell me all of these things about not wanting to have sex until she was in a relationship and things like that. I actually am more comfortable using my hands than making out, but I just thought I'd go with the flow and see where she'd take things. Obviously a mistake in retrospect but I thought I was being a nice guy and letting her guide things. I really thought I was showing I liked her in other ways.

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She never ever made an issue out of me being a virgin. Just be honest with your partner and if they are not understanding, then they are not a good fit for you anyway.
Yeah, that's true. I guess I'm just scared of being laughed at due to past experience. But yeah, she was not a good person anyway.

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Why are you a virgin out of curiosity? It sounds like you've had at least several opportunities to have your cherry popped.
I don't know, just circumstance and some social issues I guess. In high school I was in a least a few situations where girls definitely wanted me to make a move and kiss them and I didn't because I was afraid for some reason. I really wasn't all that interested in girls until really late compared to most. I think it actually had something to do with the fact that I was picked on when I was in elementary school because I always talked to girls, wrote a girl a love letter (haha), etc. I was always the kid who had "cooties." I remember being 13ish and a girl sat down next to me at a picnic table, and I actually moved over a little even though there was plenty of room. The friends I was with said something about it, like "relax, she's just a girl." A girl dragged me out to dance against my will at a dance when I was around that age, and I actually ended up enjoying it but I told my friends not to tell my parents (wtf?). They thought I was nuts.

I didn't really have a normal college experience. It was a really small school and I had a pretty good year my freshman year but for some reason didn't make that many really close friends. I think I just had trouble opening up to new people but I've definitely been getting better at it. So after my freshman year almost all of of my closest friends transferred to other schools and I ended up in a dorm by myself. I became kind of reclusive I guess because I really didn't have anyone I was close with and everyone else seemed to have friends already, plus I'm pretty comfortable being alone by nature. I didn't feel I had anything to contribute to a friendship at that point since I couldn't invite people places because I really had no idea what was going on. I ended up spending most weekends with a close friend and his buddies at a nearby college. Still, I was pretty shy around girls and didn't have very much confidence, so I kind of took to the first girl who showed interest, which led to that awesome experience of being called a joke for being a virgin. I've since seen a therapist and had some confidence/anxiety issues worked out but it's still a work-in-process I guess.

On top of all that it isn't the easiest thing to have sex when you live at your parents house, which is where I've been since getting out of college. I have a job and I'm planning on getting a condo later this year but I want to move to the city which is very expensive, which is why it's taken so long. I've gotten to a point with a couple girls where sex would have been in the picture if either of us actually had a decent place to do it where our parents weren't living, haha. I'm not planning on having my first time in a car.

Also, I've just always been the good guy about this stuff. I had a drunken make out happen a couple months ago with an old friend I've known since I was a kid (who I'm also attracted to, and it was totally initiated by her) but I knew it wasn't right and she was too wasted so I backed off. So I guess that about sums it up.
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Old 11th April 2013, 12:35 PM   #9
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So I just wanted to update everyone on the situation. I ended up taking Chi townD's advice and texted her explaining that I'm a virgin and that my lack of experience was the reason that I didn't push things further sexually. She basically said it's nothing to be ashamed of and that eventually I'll find the right girl, but she likes to be with a guy who is more sexually aggressive and takes control.

At this point I had already pretty much gotten over the fact that we'll probably never be more than friends so I was glad that she responded at all really. We actually had a pretty long conversation about a lot of the stuff we used to talk about, which was nice. I hate to end things completely with someone I really get along with just because it didn't work out romantically, and it seems like she actually wants to remain friends so I'm happy with how this all ended up.

It sucks that I'm still a virgin and have yet another experience where I failed to get the girl because I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I guess it was a learning experience and the next time I'm in a situation where I'm unsure if taking things further sexually is the right thing to do I'll just ask or say flirty things to get her to reveal how far she wants to go.

Thanks again for the comments/help everyone!
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Old 11th April 2013, 1:07 PM   #10
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See, she didn't blast it all over Facebook now did she.


Look, don't worry about being a virgin. The right girl will come along and things are going to be great for you. However, a girl will a appreicate a guy that can be open and honest with them. Don't try to hide this fact from her if it gets to the point of being serious and it looks like the relationship might end up being very intimate. Just as this girl said to you, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Girls appreicate a lot of things from a guy, but above everything else, they appreicate their man to be an honest man. Honesty is a very important quality to a girl. Remember that.
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Old 11th April 2013, 1:10 PM   #11
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That's actually the best ending to this situation you could have received in my opinion. I don't think you should ask your partner about taking things further sexually, just go with the flow. Learn to spot the signs that she is fine with how things are going and if it's going too fast or she is not ready for that stage then she will let you know, trust me.

You do need to push past your comfort zone a little more and put your focus on her while you are in the moment. Also learn to spot the signs of when she is turned on. When I was totally inexperienced like you I sometimes found myself over thinking things the same way "does she want it right now? what do I do? what if I misread her? she said she typically waits a bit... is now too soon?"

I remember one time we were watching a TV show together all snuggled up and were totally into the show. About half way through she put her hand on me in a very subtle way and that's all I needed to know what she was thinking. I took control and one thing led to another. In all honesty, I wasn't even thinking of things going down that path while watching the show and really wanted to finish watching it because it was good show!

She didn't even realize she gave off that signal to me and thought I was initiating with her at the perfect time. Just pay a lot of attention and when you recognize the signs you will have a lot of confidence to go ahead.
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