Rebound Dilemma: Can rebounders ever genuinely care about the reboundee?

[uniquecase]

I am lost and confused. What may have began as something without expectations and me possibly being a rebound, turned into a complicated situation? I would appreciate help and opinions deciphering as I put myself back together and figure out my next moves.

 

She is 30 and was in a relationship with her ex/fiance for 9 years prior. After going out with me for 6+ months (we've known each other longer), she feels she owes it to the ex to try one more time. I don't think they can reconcile because it's a trust issue, he cheated on her. There were reasons why they were separated and why she was moving forward with me.

 

So right now she isn't in the right state of mind to see me as she deals with the broken engagement and refigures herself out. She is going through a wide range of emotions and confusion about what to do with her life. She is a pivotal point in her life and her decision will affect her future. On one hand she has a long relationship that could lead to marriage, though with that trust issue that was broken. On the other hand, she could restart all over again (difficult/scary) and get what she deserves in a relationship: happiness, respect, and trust, the true love of someone. She said this was the first time ever in her life that she doesn't know what to do and it is indeed a big decision.

 

We have so much in common, think the same and have same interests and goals. Things were moving forward so nicely between us and she said she thought she was ready to move on but she guesses she wasn't? She said genuinely cares about me, likes me, and is attracted to me. Her actions matched her words and up until the point things blew up and the past caught up, things were moving forward nicely.

 

We have not contacted each other for about a week now... though the last chat she clearly showed that she was still wavering/confused. She is resisting me perhaps purposely because she doesn't want to jump right into another relationship without knowing herself fully and resolving all the issues. She would want a clean slate to give her heart to someone (maybe me) before moving forward. As such I've respected her wishes and given her more space by no/low contact. I miss her so much because I fell for her in those 6 months.

 

The question is, if you have rebounded with someone before, would you tell them/act like you were genuinely interested, like, care, and are attracted to them? Aren't rebounds just using and filling a gap without "true" feelings involved?

 

And... is it possible she is torn and does really like me, but owes it to a longer 9 year relationship to try once more? How should I proceed? Note that I know what I want and like in a girl, she happens to be everything and more and I want to fight for her and have her in my life. I know I won't meet a girl like her very quickly (probably at least a year), if ever again.

Edited April 8, 2013 by uniquecase

[Am4Real]

First, consider how luck you are that she came forth and told you what is going on in her mind. More than not the rebounder or person considering going back to an EX just leaves you -- and you late figure out, if at all, you were a rebound.

 

I'm sure you wish she told you sooner than six months, however, how fresh was she out of the relationship before you started dating her; that is the key?

 

Give her space, lots of space. Before doing so, tell her you "understand and hope she determines what is best for her". Period. That's it. Don't get mushy, don't tell her you will be there for her if she would like to return. No, no, no...no promises. Leave it simple and sincere.

 

More than likely she wants to hear the [highlight]EX[/highlight] grovel, beg and apologize. Then she will realize her trust and loyalty were compromised and bolt the h.e.l.l. out of there.

[uniquecase]

I'm sure you wish she told you sooner than six months, however, how fresh was she out of the relationship before you started dating her; that is the key?

 

The first time I ever saw/noticed her was over 2 years ago. She had a ring on her finger at the time so I never concerned myself with her. Then 1 year ago we ran into each other at a Starbucks and she came up and introduced herself to me, having recognized me. So the engagement was a long prolonged situation but by the time I met her the ring had disappeared. She began showing interest in me but we still didn't start until 6 months later.

 

I think her ex probably cheated with on her and she moved out/separated at least a year ago? The only issue was she never addressed the situation earlier on when it happened, I don't know why but that's history now.

 

A month ago, and 6 months into us, she finally had to address it and call off the wedding. She had come clean on her own to me 1.5 months into the 6 months of seeing me, and had explained that the only situation was that it wasn't called off. I felt she was being straight with me so I proceeded with caution and expectation that as long as things were moving forward it would all be okay.

[McGriff]

Uniquecase,

 

Man that's somewhat similar to me, except my ex was in a 4 year RS before me. We were together 5 months and boom. Now she was forward with me in the beginning that her ex was still around trying to get her back, but he was a mental midget and did everything wrong, and we laughed together at his antics. Now, maybe he gets the last laugh, bc when she left she swore that it was over with him, but I have my doubts.

 

Anyway, as for your situation, I would remove myself with class, letting her know that you will respect her decision and then stay away for awhile. I am SURE she will come find you, as if you can't get down the aisle after 9 years, along with cheating, you are kidding yourself. She will probably give it another go, as the ex attraction is sooo strong, BUT he hasn't changed and she will soon find that out. May take six months or a year, but that's what it'll take because he will be on his best behavior for awhile. Hey, if she's worth waiting for, then wait, because she will be back. But now you have a license to have a little fun while you wait

[uniquecase]

I wish I had as much optimism as you Mcgriff. Right now it's so tough getting on with my normal life again. We work just a couple blocks from each other at any given time during the day due to our close work proximity, and memories always flash by as a result.

 

During the relationship she said she hadn't felt that way about anyone in a long time. Everything was progressing so nicely and now it's suddenly gone just like that. The combination of my attraction to her plus the sudden disappearance is leaving a big empty void in myself. I've never felt this way about any past relationships or girls and dates before, she is the seriously the ideal type of girl I like and would settle down with.

 

At the end of the day I know that the situation is out of my control, but waiting around sucks. I guess I'm still in a denial stage and wishing anything, everything was different. She is looking for true love, someone who genuinely cares for her and would give her the world. I would do that for her... would being persistent allow her to gain greater trust in me? Or is it a waste?

[McGriff]

Uniquecase---I honestly believe that chasing her would be a mistake. She undoubtedly knows how you feel about her, but the ex factor is pulling her in an opposite direction. It's frustrating I know, because she knows what she's getting with the ex, and the familiarity and comfort level will always be high. Right now, you have to be counterintuitive and back away. Give her the space to figure things out on her own. It's frustrating and scary, but I think it's the only way you can play it. Nothing you say is gonna turn her off her ex. Let him do that on his own, as he's had 9 years to try and walk her down the aisle. I am in the same boat as you, and I am sitting patiently on the sidelines. Either she's gonna come back to me, or she's not, and it took me a long time to come to turns with that. Honestly, I am gonna be fine either way. But like I said, initially, the thought of life without her, and the hole that she left in my world was gaping. There's an old saying that's so cliche and overused, but on point, and that is, "let her go, and if she comes back it was meant to be". It sucks, but it is true.

[uniquecase]

Give her the space to figure things out on her own. It's frustrating and scary, but I think it's the only way you can play it. Nothing you say is gonna turn her off her ex. Let him do that on his own, as he's had 9 years to try and walk her down the aisle.

 

You're right, at this point it really is out of my control. She already knows how I feel about her, the type of person I am (genuine, gentleman... a real man that respects a girl and would give a girl I care about the world), and what I have to offer to her. I shouldn't compare myself or feel like I'm being picked second to a disrespectful cheater because there are so many factors involved including time and past blah blah blahs together. At the end of the day he might be on his best behavior but there are core traits at play that caused the relationship to turn sour in the first place. Hopefully I gave her a glimpse of what a real relationship could and should be like in the short time we had, and that it affected her. I'm pretty sure I did leave some sort of impression on her.

 

I am in the same boat as you, and I am sitting patiently on the sidelines. Either she's gonna come back to me, or she's not, and it took me a long time to come to turns with that. Honestly, I am gonna be fine either way. But like I said, initially, the thought of life without her, and the hole that she left in my world was gaping. There's an old saying that's so cliche and overused, but on point, and that is, "let her go, and if she comes back it was meant to be". It sucks, but it is true.

 

I am sorry that you have had to go through the same experience but I am glad that you now have come to terms with it and view things so positively. I'm not there yet, but I'm working towards that and I truly appreciate your comments and opinions, they are helping me through these times when I want to break NC.

 

I'm just going to try to remember the great person I am and not compare myself to the loser ex. And I'll continue working on myself and learning to become an ever better person for her, if not someone else as good if not better that is willing to give me their all that may someday come along.

Edited April 9, 2013 by uniquecase

[uniquecase]

Give her space, lots of space. Before doing so, tell her you "understand and hope she determines what is best for her". Period. That's it. Don't get mushy, don't tell her you will be there for her if she would like to return. No, no, no...no promises. Leave it simple and sincere.

 

I think I'll probably run into her at some point given our close proximity, if she doesn't break NC before that, and hopefully at that time I'll still be strong and following NC. At which point I will be polite and update her on all the great things I got going on, and show compassion and understanding for her situation, and say exactly what you said, that "I understand and hope she determines what is best for her".

 

More than likely she wants to hear the [highlight]EX[/highlight] grovel, beg and apologize. Then she will realize her trust and loyalty were compromised and bolt the h.e.l.l. out of there.

 

I don't know if begging and apologies is what she is after. Though I do hope she realizes that she deserves better, like all her close girlfriends tell her. No one should accept or feel that cheating is okay. I think she is beginning to see that so hopefully she will finally deal with all of it and choose a path that will ensure her future happiness. That's all I care about... that she is completely happy with whomever she is with, she deserves nothing less.

[McGriff]

"Hopefully I gave her a glimpse of what a real relationship could and should be like in the short time we had, and that it affected her. I'm pretty sure I did leave some sort of impression on her."

 

THIS is all you can do. You now have to let your relationship and memories you created with her do the work. It is scary because, like you said, you have absolutely no control over what she's gonna do. Unfortunately, she has all the power right now. she has two guys to choose from and that power is intoxicating to women, and she'll probably drag it out with breadcrumbs and such to you to keep you around. The only way to get some sense of control back, is to try and let go for now, put faith in your past actions and her ability to see what's right for her, and don't attach your emotions to any particular outcome. All hard to do, but not impossible. Ultimately, I would say to you to keep NC in place, keep your dignity, and don't give her anymore power or ego strokes. Don't do it. DO NOT. Come back and read this thread as many times as you have to.

[crustyjojo]

uniquecase

 

I am going through exactly the same thing as you although the ex's previous relationship was not as long as your ex's.

 

The advice you have been given here is right. I walked away, said I understood my ex's position and that I would leave him alone to sort out if he and his ex were supposed to be together. All of his familly is telling him is he making a huge mistake going back to her, but HE has to find that out himself.

 

Our relationship was wonderful, and like you I know I showed him what love really was. He told me that I was the most genuine, sincere and lovely person he had met in a very long time (at the BU), and I know he is not going to forget that or the feelings I had/have for him. I don't need to be emailing and texting him to remind him of that - he already knows.

 

He wants to be friends, but I have gone NC for me to heal. Yes it is crappy and I have good and bad days, but I know it is the right thing to do.

 

Like the other poster said, if you are supposed to be together then it will happen eventually and in the meantime you will have become a better and stronger person.

[uniquecase]

uniquecase

The advice you have been given here is right. I walked away, said I understood my ex's position and that I would leave him alone to sort out if he and his ex were supposed to be together...

Like the other poster said, if you are supposed to be together then it will happen eventually and in the meantime you will have become a better and stronger person.

 

I am sorry you have had to go through the same situation where the individual went back to the ex. It seriously sucks. How long have you been in the situation and NC?

 

I am questioning myself whether or not I should give up just yet and continue going NC. I've been NC for a week now (we both haven't contacted each other)... but would be better to be low contact in order to be present for and with them through these difficult times? At the end of the day I don't know what her status is if I never check in to see how she is doing... By me going full NC it would and could be received on her end as me just giving up, and not being certain of my intentions that I genuinely view her a special person worth fighting for and would remain strong for during these difficult times. She is in a confused and vulnerable state of mind. Shouldn't I continue to be there for her to continue building trust?

 

If you have time to see an article I read that has me questioning myself, I would love your opinion on it. The article is on hotalphafemale dot com (google "hotalpha female flexible persistence"). Would flexible persistence be a better strategy given I am the guy and should take leadership?

 

Would it be productive and positive to make contact with her after a week and a half of NC, just to remind her that I am not ignoring her and do think of her, and tell her that "You know I am here for you, and that I understand and hope she determines what is best for her. And when she does find herself, to come back and find me." At which point I could go NC again?

Edited April 9, 2013 by uniquecase

[crustyjojo]

I am sorry you have had to go through the same situation where the individual went back to the ex. It seriously sucks. How long have you been in the situation and NC?

 

I am questioning myself whether or not I should give up just yet and continue going NC. I've been NC for a week now (we both haven't contacted each other)... but would be better to be low contact in order to be present for and with them through these difficult times? At the end of the day I don't know what her status is if I never check in to see how she is doing... By me going full NC it would and could be received on her end as me just giving up, and not being certain of my intentions that I want her and will fight for her. She is in a confused and vulnerable state of mind. Shouldn't I continue to be there for her to continue building trust?

 

If you have time to see an article I read that has me questioning myself, I would love your opinion on it. The article is on hotalphafemale dot com (google "hotalpha female flexible persistence"). Would flexible persistence be a better strategy given I am the guy and should take leadership?

 

Would it be productive and positive to make contact with her after a week and a half of NC, just to remind her that I am not ignoring her and do think of her, and tell her that "You know I am here for you, and that I understand and hope she determines what is best for her. And when she does find herself, to come back and find me." At which point I could go NC again?

 

Hi - I'll have a look at the article later today and give you feedback. For a quick answer, for breaking NC I guess it depends on what you have already said. For me, I made my feelings and intentions clear quickly after the breakup - as in within 2 days of BU. I told him although I am devastated, I understood that he had unresolved feelings and that he had to work that out for himself. It would not be worth us going on if they were not resolved. I also told him that I was not going to wait and I was going to move on, but if they did break up in the future, and IF i was ready we could reopen dialogue - and not necessarily with a view to us getting back together. That is why I have not deleted him as a contact on my blackberry as it shows that what I said was truthful - it leaves the door open for communication. But, I am not waiting and if I received breadcrumbs - general how are you's - I would not reply.

 

I have gone completely no contact now to allow me to move on. I have also spoken to his family to explain that if I do not speak to them it is not because I do not want to, but because it is the only way I can move on. I did not want them feeling that I was ignoring them through spite.

 

On the flip side of things, and to complicate my life even further, I have had a former ex now contacting me by email and phone, now he has heard I am single again. From my side, I feel he is just harassing me even though I have asked him to leave me alone a number of times - he will just not go away. So from the other side, the fact he is not respecting my wishes and allowing me to sort my head out - just screams to me he is the wrong person. I know he is doing it out of desperation and loneliness. I have retained NC with him. I underlined feel as I am sure it is mainly because he feels sorry for me and is reaching out, and his intention is good. But he is making me feel harassed.

 

 

In a nutshell, if you have not already explained why you are NC - for you to heal - then I cannot see a problem you communicating that. But that is it - no more contact - and make it clear it will be the last communication unless her feelings and situation dramatically change.

 

Hope this helps

[crustyjojo]

sorry forgot to say broke up a month ago now in 3rd week of NC

[McGriff]

Here's your problem...you are romanticizing the whole situation. What you are thinking you should do matches up with your romanticized idea of how you WANT it to work out. I know what you are going through, I'm in it myself. Sometimes, I sit and think, I need to fight for my girl and show her that I'm there for her. That's Hollywood stuff. It's the ideal. It is fantasy. The reality of the situation is that she (and my girl too) is making a decision in her life for HER BEST INTERESTS. Not yours. She knows you are there for her, and quite frankly, that's part of the PROBLEM. She would love to receive constant reminders that you are not going anywhere, because it allows her to have her cake and eat it too. You do not want that. Sometimes, when you're hurting so bad, letting her do whatever as long as you have her in your life, is somehow a viable option. But we all know any self-respecting, reasonable person would call bull**** on that in a heartbeat.

 

You need to let her figure this out. She may make a bad decision, but you have to let her. It's her life. She knows you're there. Let your past actions speak for you. Nothing you can do now will break her out of the "spell" she's under. The only thing you can do now is put pressure on her and that's no good, as even the slightest "I miss you" or "I'm here for you" text is pressure.

 

I know what I'm saying is hard to fathom. It is helping me and reinforcing what I need to do in my similar situation to write them. Ultimately, you're gonna do what you're gonna do, but I think you need to give time and space and see what happens.

[Am4Real]

Good advice and summary for the OP.

 

 

Here's your problem...you are romanticizing the whole situation. What you are thinking you should do matches up with your romanticized idea of how you WANT it to work out. I know what you are going through, I'm in it myself. Sometimes, I sit and think, I need to fight for my girl and show her that I'm there for her. That's Hollywood stuff. It's the ideal. It is fantasy. The reality of the situation is that she (and my girl too) is making a decision in her life for HER BEST INTERESTS. Not yours. She knows you are there for her, and quite frankly, that's part of the PROBLEM. She would love to receive constant reminders that you are not going anywhere, because it allows her to have her cake and eat it too. You do not want that. Sometimes, when you're hurting so bad, letting her do whatever as long as you have her in your life, is somehow a viable option. But we all know any self-respecting, reasonable person would call bull**** on that in a heartbeat.

 

You need to let her figure this out. She may make a bad decision, but you have to let her. It's her life. She knows you're there. Let your past actions speak for you. Nothing you can do now will break her out of the "spell" she's under. The only thing you can do now is put pressure on her and that's no good, as even the slightest "I miss you" or "I'm here for you" text is pressure.

 

I know what I'm saying is hard to fathom. It is helping me and reinforcing what I need to do in my similar situation to write them. Ultimately, you're gonna do what you're gonna do, but I think you need to give time and space and see what happens.

[uniquecase]

Here's your problem...you are romanticizing the whole situation. What you are thinking you should do matches up with your romanticized idea of how you WANT it to work out. I know what you are going through, I'm in it myself. Sometimes, I sit and think, I need to fight for my girl and show her that I'm there for her. That's Hollywood stuff. It's the ideal. It is fantasy. The reality of the situation is that she (and my girl too) is making a decision in her life for HER BEST INTERESTS. Not yours. She knows you are there for her, and quite frankly, that's part of the PROBLEM. She would love to receive constant reminders that you are not going anywhere, because it allows her to have her cake and eat it too. You do not want that. Sometimes, when you're hurting so bad, letting her do whatever as long as you have her in your life, is somehow a viable option. But we all know any self-respecting, reasonable person would call bull**** on that in a heartbeat.

 

You need to let her figure this out. She may make a bad decision, but you have to let her. It's her life. She knows you're there. Let your past actions speak for you. Nothing you can do now will break her out of the "spell" she's under. The only thing you can do now is put pressure on her and that's no good, as even the slightest "I miss you" or "I'm here for you" text is pressure.

 

I know what I'm saying is hard to fathom. It is helping me and reinforcing what I need to do in my similar situation to write them. Ultimately, you're gonna do what you're gonna do, but I think you need to give time and space and see what happens.

 

It seriously is a tough pill to swallow. This might single handedly be the toughest thing I have ever had to endure. I don't know if that means I've had an easy life to date. But seriously, I have never doubted my actions as much as I do now. The idea of having no self-respect is unimaginable for me. Is that really it if I try to fight for an idealistic, romanticized outcome?

[McGriff]

Uniquecase,

 

You can always do what YOU feel is the best way to handle the situation. Obviously, you know your girl and your situation better than all the posters on here combined. Every situation is unique.

 

If you want my advice, I think you should give her some space. Don't contact her, and if she contacts you, be aloof, be happy, be confident, be mysterious, and be funny. I think it's important that you show strength in this situation. You know what helps me when I'm in a situation where I don't know how to react? And this is kinda corny, but I try to think "What would James Bond do?" Seriously, haha! The man is a case study (again Hollywood) in how to keep your cool at all times and never let emotion get the best of you. Now, I know Bond is a character and fantasy and all, but it helps me, so maybe it can help you too. Now ask yourself in your situation, what would James Bond do? He would back away smoothly, light up a cigarette, throw down a sly smile, and probably tell her to call him if she gets her act together.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide. You are not alone.

[Am4Real]

McGriff (aka Bond),

 

Good morning! Your summary is simple and speaks with good leadership. Well done.

 

A message for the original poster, I laid back as McGriff suggests and Bond would do. Now get this...are you ready...in a few days short of 4 weeks my EX was engaged to a guy she was using an an option to me.

 

Seriously!

 

Now you may thinking, oh Lord this could happen to me, I need to act now. No, no, no...what happened to me hurts, yes it hurts for all the pain in the world, however it also speaks volumes to the sincerity of the relationship I THOUGHT I HAD, NOT THE ONE I DID HAVE.

 

You see if I had of stepped in and tried to recover it or prevented the direction the relationship was heading, I may have become the better option for her, but what I was was just an option. In the real thing, real love, real togetherness, there are no winning and losing options, there is simply two people.

 

What happened to me speaks volumes for what was really going on in her head. Can you imagine how much it would hurt even more if I had a glimpse of those wheels of hers turning.

 

Believe me, JAMES BOND, would be cracking a smug little smirk at the thought of this one and he probably would hurt just like I do and you do too, but he would keep his emotions in check, study the people and know he actually controls the situation -- his freedom to chose -- his freedom to be chosen -- his freedom from her mind -- his freedom from ever being an option. After all, there is only [highlight]one JAMES BOND[/highlight].

 

Good luck OP, we'll be okay, we will.

 

Again, great analogy McGriff.

 

 

 

Uniquecase,

 

You can always do what YOU feel is the best way to handle the situation. Obviously, you know your girl and your situation better than all the posters on here combined. Every situation is unique.

 

If you want my advice, I think you should give her some space. Don't contact her, and if she contacts you, be aloof, be happy, be confident, be mysterious, and be funny. I think it's important that you show strength in this situation. You know what helps me when I'm in a situation where I don't know how to react? And this is kinda corny, but I try to think "What would James Bond do?" Seriously, haha! The man is a case study (again Hollywood) in how to keep your cool at all times and never let emotion get the best of you. Now, I know Bond is a character and fantasy and all, but it helps me, so maybe it can help you too. Now ask yourself in your situation, what would James Bond do? He would back away smoothly, light up a cigarette, throw down a sly smile, and probably tell her to call him if she gets her act together.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide. You are not alone.

[uniquecase]

McGriff (aka Bond),

A message for the original poster, I laid back as McGriff suggests and Bond would do. Now get this...are you ready...in a few days short of 4 weeks my EX was engaged to a guy she was using an an option to me.

 

Seriously!

 

Now you may thinking, oh Lord this could happen to me, I need to act now. No, no, no...what happened to me hurts, yes it hurts for all the pain in the world, however it also speaks volumes to the sincerity of the relationship I THOUGHT I HAD, NOT THE ONE I DID HAVE.

 

I am so sorry that that happened to you am4real, I would never wish that on anyone. I agree what you say here that at the end of the day the girl you were seeing had her heart was somewhere else. But it is probably relieving at the same time now to know that there is nothing else to do on your part and no longer any reasons to hold onto or question in the matter. Viewing it positively as you are now is the definitely the right mentality and you will undoubtedly be better as a result of it and just fine.

 

I don't know what it is though about my case that I still can't kick. To me the situation is similar but maybe just different from yours? She dated me and really likes me, but at the same time she obviously still wasn't completely over her ex/fiancé of 9 years yet, and hadn't yet officially addressed calling off of the engagement. But it was because of what we did do that helped her to get to a point where she finally had to finally directly address it, and ultimately she said the wedding was called off. I viewed that as a great outcome for me, however along with the good news was the bad news, which was that she wasn't in the state of mind anymore to be what we were, at least not immediately. The ex was still calling her and cussing at her, and probably begging her to or making her feel guilt. I think her picking up the calls was stupid, but just another indication that she had not yet reached a point in her mind where she is ready to cut everything off completely and go NC on him. She clearly still has some unresolved feelings to solve.

 

After she had entered this confused and vulnerable phase I had attempted to step back from it all but her actions and thoughts became mixed. Initially she was distraught and reached out to me for comfort and to talk, and the discussions were about not knowing what to do in her life. It isn't a simple decision to make as you might presume. If I am here feeling all these emotions, imagine what she must be going through in her point of view. She has clearly stated that it is her, not me that is the issue and she does care for me and have a spot for me in her heart... Unless I am just being completely fooled. Initially I was thinking selfishly that it was only myself with problems with the world, and poor me for being hurt that I no longer had the attention of this girl I so badly want to attempt a real relationship with...

 

I think she saw my emotions and her effect on me which is why she doesn't want to hurt me anymore and recommended we go no contact. I am making all these assumptions without clarity as to where she is at and that is what is killing me as far as my thoughts go, thinking back and forth would I or shouldn't I, and what she might or might not be thinking.

 

I think I should just chat with her and ask her what she feels. I am sure that she would tell me... Whether or not she is wanting do NC because she simply needs time to figure things out, or just doesn't see her and I going anywhere, or if she's just being compassionate for my situation and not wanting to waste my time because she might just never be ready... She wants a genuine love and she is afraid that she might be losing her only chance at it.

[uniquecase]

Am I really blinded and romanticizing outcomes? Probably. But it is a possibility at the same time. Wouldn't reaching a point of clarity and being direct with each other be easier? If I were to ask her if she'd be receptive to talking, and she accepted, we would probably get to deep topics and very emotional feelings. Or maybe we won't and she'll reject offer/request to chat and dismiss it as pointless. Regardless I would still be in a better place than questioning myself right?

[crustyjojo]

I am so sorry that that happened to you am4real, I would never wish that on anyone. I agree what you say here that at the end of the day the girl you were seeing had her heart was somewhere else. But it is probably relieving at the same time now to know that there is nothing else to do on your part and no longer any reasons to hold onto or question in the matter. Viewing it positively as you are now is the definitely the right mentality and you will undoubtedly be better as a result of it and just fine.

 

I don't know what it is though about my case that I still can't kick. To me the situation is similar but maybe just different from yours? She dated me and really likes me, but at the same time she obviously still wasn't completely over her ex/fiancé of 9 years yet, and hadn't yet officially addressed calling off of the engagement. But it was because of what we did do that helped her to get to a point where she finally had to finally directly address it, and ultimately she said the wedding was called off. I viewed that as a great outcome for me, however along with the good news was the bad news, which was that she wasn't in the state of mind anymore to be what we were, at least not immediately. The ex was still calling her and cussing at her, and probably begging her to or making her feel guilt. I think her picking up the calls was stupid, but just another indication that she had not yet reached a point in her mind where she is ready to cut everything off completely and go NC on him. She clearly still has some unresolved feelings to solve.

 

After she had entered this confused and vulnerable phase I had attempted to step back from it all but her actions and thoughts became mixed. Initially she was distraught and reached out to me for comfort and to talk, and the discussions were about not knowing what to do in her life. It isn't a simple decision to make as you might presume. If I am here feeling all these emotions, imagine what she must be going through in her point of view. She has clearly stated that it is her, not me that is the issue and she does care for me and have a spot for me in her heart... Unless I am just being completely fooled. Initially I was thinking selfishly that it was only myself with problems with the world, and poor me for being hurt that I no longer had the attention of this girl I so badly want to attempt a real relationship with...

 

I think she saw my emotions and her effect on me which is why she doesn't want to hurt me anymore and recommended we go no contact. I am making all these assumptions without clarity as to where she is at and that is what is killing me as far as my thoughts go, thinking back and forth would I or shouldn't I, and what she might or might not be thinking.

 

I think I should just chat with her and ask her what she feels. I am sure that she would tell me... Whether or not she is wanting do NC because she simply needs time to figure things out, or just doesn't see her and I going anywhere, or if she's just being compassionate for my situation and not wanting to waste my time because she might just never be ready... She wants a genuine love and she is afraid that she might be losing her only chance at it.

 

Hi - as per my last post regarding no contact - have you done it? Explained that you are doing it to heal? And if she is to contact you in the future it is because she has sorted her head out and now definitively knows what she wants. You need to be strong for yourself and stand your ground in that you are not going to be a doormat and you have feelings too - but make it clear that if she resolves her issues then the door is open for communication.

 

My ex did not lose contact with his ex. I found out later that she breadcrumbed him the whole time, so he never actually got over her. Hence why (I think) he now has all of these what ifs in his head and has gone back to her. I am more struggling with the fact that all of his family are adament she is the wrong person for him because of how she was before, and they have also known her family for a long time. BUT i say this again, HE has to find this out for himself. Yes it really is destroying me, and actually writing this stuff down and hopefully helping others is helping me reconcile things. I have to say too that he told me more than once if she had not come back into his life - and he having to deal with unresolved feelings, then we would be together and moving forward - that is even harder!

 

If he had dealt with this earlier, and gone NC to sort out his head, I/we would not be in this mess.

[Am4Real]

I appreciate the kind words – I really do.

 

Never in my life would I have dreamed this could happen to anyone let alone me. Uncovering the lies has been difficult but knowing you were the primary candidate or option number one and switched places is surreal. We are all humans with emotions, dreams, inner feelings and desires, not comparative objects – are we?

 

I have no issue with anyone breaking up or indicating I am not a match for them and have been in that position before as the dumper; to keep options as secrets and lead people on is way out of my league.

 

I get to witness the “engagement” and am in shock; it’s not likely the other person knows of me and the relationship with his new fiancée. Not that it is any of my concern and it isn’t, it will however be a very sad day for him too if this pattern becomes repetitive. Or fate could have him being the number one option all along and live happily ever after.

 

This break up is hard, very hard, just like it is for all of you, and again I very much appreciate the kind words of encouragement. The real pain however comes from being deceived or at least the element of deceit in the end.

 

If anyone is thinking about NC, understand I have 'not' spoken to this EX in 8+ weeks and have no intention of divulging what I know or challenging anyone's integrity over the matter. I feel it better to look after myself and let those that make their bed either find comfort or many a restless night.

 

Just another day in paradise.

 

 

 

I am so sorry that that happened to you am4real, I would never wish that on anyone. I agree what you say here that at the end of the day the girl you were seeing had her heart was somewhere else. But it is probably relieving at the same time now to know that there is nothing else to do on your part and no longer any reasons to hold onto or question in the matter. Viewing it positively as you are now is the definitely the right mentality and you will undoubtedly be better as a result of it and just fine.

 

[crustyjojo]

I appreciate the kind words – I really do.

 

 

 

I have no issue with anyone breaking up or indicating I am not a match for them and have been in that position before as the dumper; to keep options as secrets and lead people on is way out of my league.

 

 

 

This break up is hard, very hard, just like it is for all of you, and again I very much appreciate the kind words of encouragement. The real pain however comes from being deceived or at least the element of deceit in the end.

 

If anyone is thinking about NC, understand I have 'not' spoken to this EX in 8+ weeks and have no intention of divulging what I know or challenging anyone's integrity over the matter. I feel it better to look after myself and let those that make their bed either find comfort or many a restless night.

 

Just another day in paradise.

 

I completely agree - if I felt I did something wrong or the relationship was not working then I could understand. I have too been a dumper and a dumpee, and when the dumper have been honest as to why it has not worked for me. Usually things on my part and not the other persons, but felt it only fair to say why it was not working.

 

For me, the whole "we would be together" if she had not come back into my life, really is the hardest part. Sometimes, I pray that she really screws him over for him to see what he has missed out on. On the other side, I actually do not want him to be hurt again.

 

What can you say? Only time will tell. Either way, it is seriously crap for us knowing what we feel and how we would not treat them as their ex's have in the past

[Am4Real]

I don't have the amount of details you have, am only left with suppositions and assumptions. As much as the lack of detail and explanation bothers me (and I won't sugar coat it, it has been gut and heart wrenching), exploring the unknown serves not a single healthy purpose as I go through this.

 

As often stated in LS, people make decisions that ARE IN THERE BEST INTERESTS at the time with " at the time" being the key words in this statement. Often, actions are not well thought out and reacted from "temporary feelings" or "needs" which are personal to the decision maker, only later to be reversed, challenged or doubted. We all have done that right?

 

I was obviously not aware of all the details nor will I be and am learning to settle with such as I deal with the humiliation, anger, questioning, and to some degree self doubt. I realize these are normal reactions and emotions and I am trying, trying very hard, to visualize the future and although entire days are not better than previous ones (yet), I am finally experiencing groupings of "hours" which will hopefully lead to "days" in the near future.

 

 

Hi - as per my last post regarding no contact - have you done it? Explained that you are doing it to heal? And if she is to contact you in the future it is because she has sorted her head out and now definitively knows what she wants. You need to be strong for yourself and stand your ground in that you are not going to be a doormat and you have feelings too - but make it clear that if she resolves her issues then the door is open for communication.

 

My ex did not lose contact with his ex. I found out later that she breadcrumbed him the whole time, so he never actually got over her. Hence why (I think) he now has all of these what ifs in his head and has gone back to her. I am more struggling with the fact that all of his family are adament she is the wrong person for him because of how she was before, and they have also known her family for a long time. BUT i say this again, HE has to find this out for himself. Yes it really is destroying me, and actually writing this stuff down and hopefully helping others is helping me reconcile things. I have to say too that he told me more than once if she had not come back into his life - and he having to deal with unresolved feelings, then we would be together and moving forward - that is even harder!

 

If he had dealt with this earlier, and gone NC to sort out his head, I/we would not be in this mess.