steveT95 Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Ex contacted me last night wanting to arrange sorting out returning each others stuff. I didn't reply. I can't face seeing her yet. I have her stuff hidden away in a cupboard but am not ready to see or talk to her. Should I wait or get it done asap? I started not contact yesterday and have managed one day. I don't want to break it again. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 there's no shame in that. if you need more time to do that, take it. I think it's best to return her her stuff, though. if you don't want to break NC, then ask one of your friends to help, to be the middle man. stay strong and think only of yourself and of what it's best for you. cheers 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SharkTooth Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Do it with a quickness! Every time you delay or make contact, the pain will start over like the break up just happened. It sucks and we've all been there but happy times will be back. That's a promise! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Calvin's wagon Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Hi. Like others have said, get a friend to give her to call her & give her the stuff, and do it quickly, so you'll be able to go on with the healing process without having "giving her back her stuff" in the back of your mind. I wish you all the best and hope that we will be able to give you help&support throughout the process! Best wishes Link to post Share on other sites
Calvin's wagon Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Also, block her on phone&email, change your number, block her on FB and, my advice, stay off Facebook for at least a month or so, so you'll avoid seeing her on your friends' news feed. You mentioned she contacted you yesterday night - as long as she can directly contact you, it's not real "no contact", at least in my opinion. Also, tell your friends not to start talking about her to you. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 there's no shame in that. if you need more time to do that, take it. I think it's best to return her her stuff, though. if you don't want to break NC, then ask one of your friends to help, to be the middle man. stay strong and think only of yourself and of what it's best for you. cheers ^^this^^ Ask a good friend to contact her. Just to ask - when are you in? I have your stuff from Steve, and am going to bring it over.Please have all his things ready... make sure to ask him that if she starts up with "oh he's such a baby, why doesn't he just come and get it himself??" or anything of that type - sympathy, interest, whatever - ask him to just reply: "I'm not getting involved in any of that crap, so don't get started on this. I'm just doing him a favour, ok? I'll be over on - - at - -. " Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 I like this advice guys, cheers. One small problem, no friends. Lonely existence! The friends I made when I started college were her friends and in the words of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho 'I don't care you can have them.' Haha. I don't know anyone trustworthy or reliable that I could ask to help, and I'm not getting family involved. Tricky situation. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 your brother or sister. Her brother or sister. It doesn't have to be mom or dad. If it's not possible, go for the mail. Church. Whatever. Your neighbor. Her neighbor. If there's a will, there's a way. Listen, for the moment, acknowledge that you cannot go through with this, and tell it to her. Then, give yourself a period of time off. A week. Heck, two weeks. Kindly ask her to bare with you for 2 more weeks, when you shall be less emotional and able to think properly / find a solution/ way out. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 I like this advice guys, cheers. One small problem, no friends. Lonely existence! The friends I made when I started college were her friends and in the words of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho 'I don't care you can have them.' Haha. I don't know anyone trustworthy or reliable that I could ask to help, and I'm not getting family involved. Tricky situation. Pack up and leave it on her doorstep, she can do the same for you. No need for interaction. Or stuff in a box and mail. There is a way to do this. I left my ex's stuff in his garage. Didn't need to make contact. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 Can I leave it for a week or two? I need more time to clear my head before I can do anything, that's how I feel at the moment at least. Can I write a letter or something explaining my mindset and that if she can wait a few weeks then it would be appreciated? I just can't deal with her at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
AloneInParadise Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 If you leave it for a week or two like you are suggesting it is only going to make it harder. SHe will keep calling/texting every day until she gets her stuff. You said everything fits in the cubbord, so put it in a box and set it on the porch and she will get it. No reason to see her. Unless you want to keep thinking about giving her stuff back for two weeks and dealing with her calls. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Can I leave it for a week or two? I need more time to clear my head before I can do anything, that's how I feel at the moment at least. Can I write a letter or something explaining my mindset and that if she can wait a few weeks then it would be appreciated? I just can't deal with her at the moment. "Stuff" is always used as an excuse to keep the door open to communication. You're hoping to use it as an excuse so that you have the opportunity/door to make contact again in a week or so, hoping that maybe something has changed, test waters, etc. You think we're stoooopid? No one has asked you to deal with her. Mindset? It's exchanging belongings. What mindset do you have to have to stuff her crap in a box and leave it at her door. She can do the same for you. We've all been there and done that. You're going to have to deal with gaping wound again if you keep doing this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Best thing to do is pull the Band-aid off quickly. Have a friend help you to haul this stuff out of the cupboard and pack it up. If it isn't too much trouble, just have your friend drop it off at her place so you don't have to face her or have any contact with her. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Spend the money and mail it to her. No need to arrange for intermediaries and you don't have to see her. Ask her to do the same - or leave it in a safe spot near your doorstep. There are ways to deal with this without dragging it out or making it more complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 Hmm, well, I was only asking what your thoughts were doing it in a week or so. No, I don't want to talk to her anymore, I miss our conversations true, but I don't want to break NC and I don't want to drag this out. I DON'T want to get back with her. She is trouble and I know it. She won't agree to just dropping my stuff at my door and won't understand me leaving things at the door with me explaining. Knowing her she will think it's been unreasonable and immature. I'm not sure if I can be civil if she gets like that. That is why I want to leave it for a few more days. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Can I leave it for a week or two? No. It prolongs the agony and the attachment... I need more time to clear my head before I can do anything, that's how I feel at the moment at least. Why does it take a 'clear head' to throw things into a box, take them to her porch and leave them there? What is there to be 'clear-headed' about? Can I write a letter or something explaining my mindset and that if she can wait a few weeks then it would be appreciated? No. She will laugh at it, scoff at it, call it weird, show it to her friends, tell them what a wuss you're being and complain she STILL doesn't have her stuff back for all your explanation.... I just can't deal with her at the moment. Oh please.... it's not like she's asking you for a kidney, a pint of blood or a semen sample to impregnate her BFF with.... It's - Just - her - stuff! Whack it into a suitable container. It's not rocket science. And get a friend of HERS to come by pick it up!! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 ....and get the same friend to bring your stuff back! Please - the more excuses you make, the more you actively weaken yourself. True dat! Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Seriously - what is a "few more days" going to do??? Just get the deed done and over with! Link to post Share on other sites
Cogee Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Mail the stuff. Don't drag this out further than it needs to. We were long distance when I asked my ex to return my stuff, she offered to mail it. I didn't hear from her for a week so I asked her again what is happening with it and she told me that if it was urgent that I should send someone to pick it up. I thought it unreasonable to ask a friend to make such a long trip so I just told her to send it when she has a chance. It has been a month since and I have not received my stuff nor heard a single word about it. At this point she either will send it some day or not send it, but it's not something for me to care about any more. In the grand scheme of life and pain that I've gone through, it's insignificant. If you leave it for two weeks, assuming there isn't anything of tremendous value there, she might just say forget it and not want to communicate any longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted April 4, 2013 Author Share Posted April 4, 2013 Okay, I'll sort it. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 Why don't you just get it over with ASAP? Sitting on it for the next few days or a week or longer isn't going to make it go away. Your anxiety about it will just come back. Send one last text message. "Your stuff will be outside my front door at 5PM." Please pick it up before 530PM and leave my stuff in a box outside the door." Then just go out to the store or something, come back and the transaction will be completed without aid of these "no friends" or family members. Done. Link to post Share on other sites
Thunderchild Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 (edited) If you need the time take the time. I've got quite a bit of expensive stuff (about £2-3,000 worth) at my ex's house. A large dinner service, some expensive table/glassware, my late mother's Doulton figurine and Carltonware collections etc. We were planning on moving in togther - and, I still have her house keys. If I had tried to make contact/meet up for the exchange around BU time, I would most likely have killed her - she cheated on me and got pregnant by the other guy!! I'm in a far better place right now, but will wait to 90 days No Contact. Then, a short, precise e-mail along the lines of "Please notify me when it would be possible to retrieve (list of items) from your property and to facilitate the return of your door keys" I can get my friends to go over with a van and lift my property. I'll also add the proviso: "If I haven't heard from you within seven days of this message I shall assume that you have no objections to my retrieving my property in your absence" She can kick up and bitch as much as she likes about it; retrieving your own property from someone else's house is a civil matter in Scotland (there is no law of "trespass"). Plus, if I have contacted her previously with my intentions (and listed the property) she doesn't have leg to stand on. If she wants to get p*ssy and start shouting that my property was a gift, I'm sure a copy of her housekeys can find their way into the wrong hands. Edited April 4, 2013 by Thunderchild Link to post Share on other sites
spirius Posted April 4, 2013 Share Posted April 4, 2013 I've been a complete little bitch since my break up but felt I HAD to get her stuff out. I said I wanted her to come get it, she said she couldnt. I asked her to get her flatmate to let me in. When she went to the pub, I spent three hours loading my car up and another hour unloading it into her new room. Anytime Ive found ANYTHING else, Ive binned it or put in a bag. Ive been over once since to drop the remainder. It is so less painful with her stuff gone. Just got to work out how to change the orientation of the rooms now...or move. Really...from a little bitch...get it all gone. At least you don't have the spectre of contact hanging over you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted April 5, 2013 Author Share Posted April 5, 2013 I'm going to give her stuff to her friend when I go back to college in a week or so, I always bump into them more than her. She can keep my stuff, I don't want the jumper that she wore more than me and I can replace my DVDs. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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