Want to Rekindle with the Ex. What do you think?

[aj415]

Hi.. we dated for one year 3 months. Lots of chemistry fire etc. We were in love. I completely messed up the breakup. She started dating him within 3 weeks after us. They have been dating over one month now. I think she does have some real happiness with him... and i am thinking.. unfortunately... maybe its not just a typical rebound. They were friends for a few months before we broke up. I genuinely trust that although there may have been chemistry flirting that she never did anything to cheat.

 

The new guy lives closer to her... has a big social life and friends and family and a better job then me. So unfortunately those are factors working against me. I have already gotten another job.. to show her I am committed to making life easier for us if we got back together. Also never really got along with her friends.. again sucks lol.

 

I made all the classic mistakes at first (first "love" relationship), threatened him, insulted her, clingy and needy. Then I gave it 2 weeks of NC. However...

 

She has forgiven my behavior after a sincere apology from me.. now after that....I have been cordial, respectful and honest in our communications. I went to see her, gave her some gifts, told her I love her, how happy and changed our life would be, and I wanted her back and to please comeback with me. I think she still loves me.. she said she "wouldnt say I don't love you" but she held fast to not coming back together. We have been texting and talking everyday.. just respectful and friendly. She has been responding to all my communications.. friendly and nice and funny but not taking any initiative with it. I want her to want and miss me the way I miss her. I know how amazing we were together.. it feels like she is forgetting that now I love her dearly so its worth a try.

 

Look I don't want to hear "Just move on" I get it.. thats always an option. I want advice for what I can do to make her want to be with me again. She told me when I saw her that she knows I can make her happy, because I did.. but she has taken the risk to move on and can't just come back. While I understand and truly respect this thinking.. I also believe that if you truly love someone.. and I know she loves me.. and that nothing absolutely horrible has destroyed or blocked our chance together (other then the new guy) that its not moving on but taking the risk to whats true in your heart.

 

I am not being needy or begging or anything. Just trying to be the guy she first fell in love with. Only see her maybe once a week and text with her most days.

 

So what else... Things I can say or do or insights about this situation. I am going to try and spend some time with her next week. I think NC alone doesn't work.. needs more initiative then that. Thanks

Edited March 24, 2013 by aj415

[TaraMaiden]

Google 'Magic Love Potions' or find a Psychic With Doctor, pay them loads of money, and get them to cast a spell over a photo of you and your ex....

 

Or collect some of her hair, and boil it with rose petals on a full-moon night, and then sprinkle the infusion round your garden, chanting, "Me 'n' her are soul~mates, right? So get her back to me tonight!"

 

I guarantee any of the above will definitely work.

 

And you'll believe that, as much as I believe it's actually possible to get her back.

[Cogee]

She needs to explore this new relationship first and that's something you can't influence. Once she has chosen to go down this path it's something that has to run it's course.

[destroyed4sho]

Sounds like she left you for this new guy. Not much you can do here..until they are thru and maybe she comes crawlig back to you. But dont have any hope here usually they do not come back. Its Over, accept it now.

 

You sound a little bit delusional that she may come back to you fully...She loves the attention and the ego boost..thats all she loves. Not you.

Sorry...I know it sux!

 

Keep trying tho.....you sound like you need more rejection and suffering to see the big pink elephant in the room. Pain is the only way to get out of the denial stage and you need more of it.

[aj415]

Ok. I see that the consensus is that outlook is bleak. I can accept that...

 

I want to share one other things. This girl was real sensitive, bubbly and happy, very girly all about "love"... classy but her heart and personality was hippyish cus shes all about love.

 

Anyway she told me now she doesn't believe in love anymore.. just that two people can like each other. I was like.. what?? Shocked me to hear her say that... cus Thats really not her. Anyone make something of that? Good or bad sign for me/us? Maybe this rebound.. yes its a genuine connection or whatever but she is healing... and when she comes back to her normal lovedovey self I'm gonna be the one she thinks about again?

[TaraMaiden]

Listen, you can keep on slapping on the reasoning and justifications all you like.

It's not going to work.

It doesn't matter how much you elaborate or expand on how gloriously wonderful she is - you split up, she's with someone else, and she's not with you.

 

It's over.

 

You change nothing with the "and another thing".... posts.

You merely confirm what we already know.

 

You sound desperate, and as if you would cheerfully walk through fire for her, only to find she's roasting marshmallows on your flaming heart.

 

Move on, dude.

 

This is utterly pointless.

 

Read the No Contact Guide thread in my signature (1st Post).

 

And all the following posts which will confirm what I'm telling you.

[aj415]

Ok. Thanks

[aj415]

Listen, you can keep on slapping on the reasoning and justifications all you like.

It's not going to work.

It doesn't matter how much you elaborate or expand on how gloriously wonderful she is - you split up, she's with someone else, and she's not with you.

 

It's over.

 

You change nothing with the "and another thing".... posts.

You merely confirm what we already know.

 

You sound desperate, and as if you would cheerfully walk through fire for her, only to find she's roasting marshmallows on your flaming heart.

 

Move on, dude.

 

This is utterly pointless.

 

Read the No Contact Guide thread in my signature (1st Post).

 

And all the following posts which will confirm what I'm telling you.

 

Hmm. Regardless if she ever comes back with me or not... your dismissal of my second post is over enthusiastic, but thanks for the practical advice, you are probably right. I think its objectively a curious and strange change though that someone is all about love but then changes to doesn't believe in love anymore. I think its an interesting question with some real psychology behind what it means and the motivation.

[destroyed4sho]

the only person that can answer that is her. dont expect her to be honest. she will feed you lies until she is healed (weened herself off of you completely). then she will use this guy for a rebound.

 

your done, your fried,toasted, baked, chopped and chewed. just go NC AND START TO HEAL.

 

or keep trying with her until it becomes painful enough and NC IS THE ONLY OPTION LEFT.

 

I say go for the 2nd option bc you need to be kicked into reality...

[aj415]

Actually the last recourse before NC... is to meet up and try and bang her. Try at your own risk, depends on the girl. I know mine... being that she will still meet up and is still friendly and she is a huge flirt when shes in the right mood. Who knows worth a shot ...^_^ anyway its obvious advice for that strategy will have to be taken from a different forum. Thanks for the advice people.

[TaraMaiden]

Hmm. Regardless if she ever comes back with me or not... your dismissal of my second post is over enthusiastic, but thanks for the practical advice, you are probably right. I think its objectively a curious and strange change though that someone is all about love but then changes to doesn't believe in love anymore. I think its an interesting question with some real psychology behind what it means and the motivation.

 

Honey, you ain't seen my "over-enthusiastic" yet.....

[aj415]

Yea well.. I made a mistake.. getting in love so quick. If I am being desperate now I forgive myself. But I love the girl, theres a shot she still loves me, shes willing to see and talk to me... who the "eff" knows. No need to jump to NC yet I really don't see it as hopeless as you guys. I'm the type not afraid to take the risk of getting hurt to say I did all I can.... After that I can in good concious move on. So I tried the nice guy way flowers, jewlery, tears. What a sucker .. now the bad boy approach.. Only works with certain girls I think.. I dunno if it will work with her. Shes a freak but a very loyal one. Possibly the key to some girls hearts is through thier private parts

 

of course if it works It would make me think twice about getting back together cus that means she just cheated on her current boyfriend. But it would make me feel better anyway.. If it doesn't hey I truly tried everything.. got to the lowest point and as much rejection as possible cus I don't see anything for me to do after that.. Single life here we come

[aj415]

No one better moralize either.

 

Just remember "nothing is fair in love and war".. plus if she is actively resisting her feelings for me either nothing will happen anyway cus she will stay strong and stiff arm me.

 

Or best case my irresistible charm will make her give in to mindblowing esctacy which will then make it impossible for her to continue to do that and I will have altered the course of all this. Damn I do sound delusional haha, gonna try it anyway.. **** it

[OwlSoul]

The Passion Trap: Where is Your Relationship Going?: Amazon.co.uk: Dean C. Delis, Cassandra Phillips: Books

 

You'll get some answers from this book. It's not about getting your ex back, but explaining why ex is the ex, and why you aren't attractive anymore.

[Am4Real]

Classic...classic...classic.

 

Bravo!

 

May we all cut and paste this response for future posts? LOL

 

Thanks, Tara.

 

 

Google 'Magic Love Potions' or find a Psychic With Doctor, pay them loads of money, and get them to cast a spell over a photo of you and your ex....

 

Or collect some of her hair, and boil it with rose petals on a full-moon night, and then sprinkle the infusion round your garden, chanting, "Me 'n' her are soul~mates, right? So get her back to me tonight!"

 

I guarantee any of the above will definitely work.

 

And you'll believe that, as much as I believe it's actually possible to get her back.

[aj415]

I enjoyed that "Me n Her are soulmates right.. so bring her back to me tonight"

 

 

I think theres too many folks on here negative, feeling sorry for themselves for going through a tough emotional time, or bad experiences and memories. Projecting thier mistakes on others peoples posts and experiences. And that is the only reason why this NC and give up stuff and move on is so propogated and theres not enough belief or insight or experience in the ability for an individual to successfully make it happen.

 

Whatever that process is... I know for sure the first step is not to be desperate or NEED the other person. Thats where the desperation comes from. I have a clear mind now. I am making a choice.

 

Listen.. I am going through a tough time too... Unrequited love as it seems, sucks. I was feeling sorry for myself to. Made all the mistakes. I realize that none of that self-pity and desperation helps.

 

But the negativity and discouragement , self-doubt here permeates this board is demonstrated in this thread.

 

I know Being inappropriate or crossing boundaries or begging is bull****. But Quitting, moving on, staying passive is bull**** too if real possibility remains. I ain't a quitter. There is still real chance to effectively and reestablish trust, respect, rapport, humor, attraction and then romance. I think its like making a new relationship but with more advantages. So stop whining, crying, or giving negative advice.

 

 

As long as I stay in control of my behavior and emotions and life..

There's no reason to accept giving up just because you other folks have been hurt and bad experiences and gave up. Listen I had a connection with a person for 1 year 3 months, I was immature, I made them jump ship, I am learning and have learned from it and now I asked and I wanted advice to change the dynamic of our relationship now. To bring it to a positive place of possibilities.

 

So far noone is able to provide that. We still communicate and see each other. This situation is far from hopeless the person is still open to communication and influence from me on thier life.

 

Just because you other peoples experiences didn't work out, have nothing to do with mine or anyone elses, stop projecting them if you got nothing to add.

 

Ultimately, if i try to follow my desire, and change to learn, adpt, and grow to make my attempts successful.. it shows a) I follow whats true to myself

b) even if I never get her back, it will ultimately make me a better person and give me another experience to enrich my life for the future.

[destroyed4sho]

sure. let us know what happens.

[NewPerspective93]

First and foremost, you did ask what others' take was on your situation, so you can't really blame anyone for their responses.

 

I don't feel they're being negative with their responses, but trying to help.

 

These people are "negative" because they're going through stuff that is very hard to deal with, you can't blame them for being the way they are during such times.

 

Sure, you might not see NC as a remedy to this situation, but in most cases, it is beneficial to one's moving one. It's up to you whether you choose to implement it in your life or not.

 

Regardless, I applaud your for your optimism and acknowledgement of what might happen.

 

All I'll say is this; get ready for the ride, it's not going to be fun.

[TaraMaiden]

I think theres too many folks on here negative, feeling sorry for themselves for going through a tough emotional time, or bad experiences and memories. Projecting thier mistakes on others peoples posts and experiences. And that is the only reason why this NC and give up stuff and move on is so propogated and theres not enough belief or insight or experience in the ability for an individual to successfully make it happen.

You're kidding..... right?

Have you actually taken a moment to read ALL of the No Contact thread?

That's peppered exclusively by people who went against all advice, just as you are intent on doing, and tried again, only to discover that the Process of No Contact is spot on.

 

But the negativity and discouragement , self-doubt here permeates this board is demonstrated in this thread.

 

What you see as 'negativity and discouragement' others are trying to tell you, is Reality and Support. There is confidence in their advice, because - guess what? They've tried it. Sometimes, more than once!!

 

I know Being inappropriate or crossing boundaries or begging is bull****. But Quitting, moving on, staying passive is bull**** too if real possibility remains.

Has your ex actually said anything to you whatsoever to give you even the remotest hint that she is open and willing to absolutely commit to trying again?

 

 

I ain't a quitter. There is still real chance to effectively and reestablish trust, respect, rapport, humor, attraction and then romance. I think its like making a new relationship but with more advantages.

It don't matter how much of a quitter 'you ain't'.

If your ex isn't on board with this, then you might as well be singing in a hurricane..... You can't work enough, or want it sufficiently, on your own, for two.

 

So stop whining, crying, or giving negative advice.

And that's just bloody rude, patronising and insulting to anyone who has lost the person they considered the love of their life, yearned for reconciliation, and whose hopes were dashed cruelly against the rock-wall of rejection.

 

That's just trivialising the experiences people are trying to guide you by.

 

 

As long as I stay in control of my behavior and emotions and life..

There's no reason to accept giving up just because you other folks have been hurt and bad experiences and gave up. Listen I had a connection with a person for 1 year 3 months, I was immature, I made them jump ship, I am learning and have learned from it and now I asked and I wanted advice to change the dynamic of our relationship now. To bring it to a positive place of possibilities.

If she's on board with this, then great. It's going to take a lot of work form both you AND her to not sail into the same stormy waters again.

That's if she even feels like manning the bilge-pumps. She may feel keeping her feet on 'terra firma' is a safer option than floating your boat.

 

Have you actually directly asked her, face to face, "Please, how would you feel about us trying again and making a go of this, here, today, now?"

 

So far noone is able to provide that. We still communicate and see each other. This situation is far from hopeless the person is still open to communication and influence from me on thier life.

S-U-R-E she is.... you've been wonderfully 'friend-zoned'!

She sees you as a bosom buddy, her 'soft place to fall' her 'comfort cushion'.

 

There is no sexed-up version of this, though. But hey, don't take it from me....

 

Just because you other peoples experiences didn't work out, have nothing to do with mine or anyone elses, stop projecting them if you got nothing to add.

 

Notice how nobody with a positive experience has actually posted.

Notice how empty the 'second chances' forum is, of uplifting threads.... You wonder why....?

There's a clue there - no?

 

Ultimately, if i try to follow my desire, and change to learn, adpt, and grow to make my attempts successful.. it shows a) I follow whats true to myself b) even if I never get her back, it will ultimately make me a better person and give me another experience to enrich my life for the future.

 

Sure, go ahead. Life's school of hard Knocks still has several clear desks awaiting its shining pupils.....

 

Best of Luck.

[ThatJustHappened]

You cannot make someone want to be with you again. Life doesn't work like that.

[Cogee]

Whatever that process is... I know for sure the first step is not to be desperate or NEED the other person. Thats where the desperation comes from. I have a clear mind now. I am making a choice.

 

That's exactly the point I was making. She doesn't need you right now either, she has someone else. She made a choice and her mind is clear that this is what she wants. If I'm in her shoes and dating someone happily there isn't a whole lot that an ex can do to influence me. In fact, you trying to pry your way in would only make me want to push you away.

 

So far noone is able to provide that. We still communicate and see each other. This situation is far from hopeless the person is still open to communication and influence from me on thier life.

 

Just because you other peoples experiences didn't work out, have nothing to do with mine or anyone elses, stop projecting them if you got nothing to add.

 

If you are the one initiating contact, and not doing anything to interfere with her current relationship, then why wouldn't she be open to being friends? It sounds like you patched things up so, as far as she is concerned, there isn't much harm in it. You asked for her back, she said no. In her mind things are clear.

 

If you keep trying, and her boyfriend gets a whiff of what you are doing, you may find that out of respect for him she will cut things off from you. Be prepared for that.

Edited March 24, 2013 by Cogee

[aj415]

You're kidding..... right?

Have you actually taken a moment to read ALL of the No Contact thread?

That's peppered exclusively by people who went against all advice, just as you are intent on doing, and tried again, only to discover that the Process of No Contact is spot on.

 

I read exactly none of it. I'm not sure you understand the point of my thread.. that a person as awesome, intelligent, courageous and sexy as me is going to go after and try and get what he wants and certainly deserves out of life. The question is how. It seems that my OP has made 'No Contact'

 

What you see as 'negativity and discouragement' others are trying to tell you, is Reality and Support. There is confidence in their advice, because - guess what? They've tried it. Sometimes, more than once!!

 

Again. When I decide to move on to someone or something bigger and better, that sounds like great advice. But as of now.. irrelevant to my thread and situation. Cease and Desist!

 

Has your ex actually said anything to you whatsoever to give you even the remotest hint that she is open and willing to absolutely commit to trying again?

 

My ex loves me. But.. its definitely a complicated situation. She may or may not be willing to come back. I think everything rests on

a) me and how I handle it from her

b) how everything is happening with her other relationship.

 

Hopefully horribly But right now i think its going great

 

 

It don't matter how much of a quitter 'you ain't'.

If your ex isn't on board with this, then you might as well be singing in a hurricane..... You can't work enough, or want it sufficiently, on your own, for two.

 

This thinking is taken from the Law contract and business proposal school of relationships and breakups and reconciliation. Everything has to be agreed upon logically by the two parties before anything can be implemented.. Yikes.

 

 

And that's just bloody rude, patronising and insulting to anyone who has lost the person they considered the love of their life, yearned for reconciliation, and whose hopes were dashed cruelly against the rock-wall of rejection.

 

Good I'm glad it got your attention.

 

That's just trivialising the experiences people are trying to guide you by.

 

 

Absolutely need to be dismissed and trivialized. I deserve this woman... she deserves me.. its just a matter of doing everything I can (including playing dirty in this game of love) to make her realize that. I think I came to the wrong message board, to many bleeding hearts here not enough practicality. Unless your moving on.. in which case I highly recommend the No Contact thread to anyone who hasn't read it

 

 

If she's on board with this, then great. It's going to take a lot of work form both you AND her to not sail into the same stormy waters again.

That's if she even feels like manning the bilge-pumps. She may feel keeping her feet on 'terra firma' is a safer option than floating your boat.

 

Hey Tara.. I like you. You write well and are consistently cynical

 

 

Have you actually directly asked her, face to face, "Please, how would you feel about us trying again and making a go of this, here, today, now?"

 

Yep. Now I know its the wrong approach. Naivety in and ignorance in the organic nature and seeming spontaneoty and naturalness required in these things. It's very simple. I didn't ask her out originally to be with me in that way.. nor would anyone ever ask like that. Just because we are experienced with each other doesn't mean I just disrespect the rules of the game by dulling everything down to a business proposal. Wheres the creativity, the romance, the magic, the intelligence

 

S-U-R-E she is.... you've been wonderfully 'friend-zoned'!

She sees you as a bosom buddy, her 'soft place to fall' her 'comfort cushion'.

 

I put myself there. I've pretty much created this entire situation.. immaturely. Thats what gives me heart and confidence. Because now, by getting back in control of myself and applying some intelligence I am looking to influence it in a positive way

 

Notice how nobody with a positive experience has actually posted.

Notice how empty the 'second chances' forum is, of uplifting threads.... You wonder why....?

There's a clue there - no?

 

Yea. Probably because this is a bleeding hearts forum and the people that have successful experiences don't post here lol.

 

 

Sure, go ahead. Life's school of hard Knocks still has several clear desks awaiting its shining pupils.....

Best of Luck.

 

This is my story I am gonna own it and make it as fantastical as it deserves to be. If I fail... I will fail spectacularly.. so I can tell it to you and anyone else in the world with a grin and knowing pride.

[Cogee]

Sorry, weird duplicate post.

Edited March 24, 2013 by Cogee

[aj415]

That's exactly the point I was making. She doesn't need you right now either, she has someone else. She made a choice and her mind is clear that this is what she wants. If I'm in her shoes and dating someone happily there isn't a whole lot that an ex can do to influence me. In fact, you trying to pry your way in would only make me want to push you away.

 

 

 

If you are the one initiating contact, and not doing anything to interfere with her current relationship, then why wouldn't she be open to being friends? It sounds like you patched things up so, as far as she is concerned, there isn't much harm in it. You asked for her back, she said no.

 

If you keep trying, her boyfriend will get a whiff of what you are doing, and you may find that out of respect for him she will cut things off from you. Be prepared for that.

 

I think you make a good point. I don't want to constantly put her in the position of rejecting me. I am gonna just stay friendzoned intentionally for a bit, be my normal handsome and charming self.. but really genuine trust respect care etc. Build up a connection again seeing how it goes before trying anything else

[drpepper1886]

Can't wait for the results of this one. OP will surely deliver. Best of luck!