spirius Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Now I have your attention. I want to go round there with a big bunch of flowers and try to show her much I want to make it work. Is there no way this is likely to have any effect at all? Are we always advocating just giving up? We've had alot of issues and I think she still cares for me, but isn't convinced things will change. But it's a dangerous line because I don't want to push her away from being amicable. I am really regretting the break up and want her back. Can I do anything? 1
Mack05 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Go for it.... The lesson you are about to receive will help you going forward and you will never do anything as stupid again.. 4
Sososad Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Ok I'm no expert this is potentially a huge Decision your making .. The whole Internet would probably tell you your crazy and your opening Up a world of hurt for youself But maybe it's your last chance and you won't be Satisfied or maybe able to let go fully till u do this. I like your idea and admire the balls to do .. All I can say is I really really hope it works And doesn't shatter you . Good luck !!!!
Author spirius Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 I'm wanting to do it, but not planning on doing it. So if someone says its over, there's no rational point in ever being persistant?
Sososad Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Go for it.... The lesson you are about to receive will help you going forward and you will never do anything as stupid again.. I gotta say I laughed out loud at the response my apologies .. Just think it through !!! 1
Mack05 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I'm wanting to do it, but not planning on doing it. So if someone says its over, there's no rational point in ever being persistant? Just think of it logically. I presume you have been 'the dumper' before? So hypothetically you are in a relationship and it REALLY wasn't working for you. You make it very clear that the relationship is over and that there is no future. She then calls around with a six pack of beer and a die hard dvd. Would you go back out with her?
Author spirius Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 I don't understand why it is stupid to fight for something you care about. I do understand no contact etc from the point when you've given up. But is there nothing good about trying to stand your ground and show that you do value it (despite what she might think)?
Author spirius Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 Thing is we kinda mutually ended it over living arrangements and yes, she has said clearly, the decision and is staying away from me because she knows I am upset and doesnt want to be influenced. But Im prepared to change the living arrangements and also address some of the other things that went wrong (from my side...this wasn't all me).
Mack05 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I don't understand why it is stupid to fight for something you care about. I do understand no contact etc from the point when you've given up. But is there nothing good about trying to stand your ground and show that you do value it (despite what she might think)? Fighting for something only works when there are two people emotionally invested. In my experience when a woman emotionally detaches she rarely comes back. Your desire to win her back only pushes her further away. You need to understand she does not view the relationship the same way you do. You might think "I know her, she would like this", but the reality is very different. I actually think you should go with your plan though. Because when you are emotional, logical advice doesn't sink in. By going there and having the reaction you were not expecting, it will set you back. BUT its a great lesson.. Plus you will be left in no doubt where you stand..
Author spirius Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 It's amazing how many times I've heard "let it go" in the past two weeks. Alongside... "She didn't care enough about you for you to be this upset." Why the hell is it so hard to let go of an unhappy relationship? I feel like she's died.
Sososad Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 as I said for some people they need there heart ripped out to realize It's over for good .. If you really wanna do it .. Do it .. But are u able to hear she's seeing someone else I've moved on I'm Not interested If you can handle any of them and think you will cope ok Give it a go.. I learned the hard way and back to square one.. But at least i know I done my best and tried !
Mack05 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Why the hell is it so hard to let go of an unhappy relationship? The more important questions here are... 1) why do you want to go back to an unhappy relationship? and 2) what makes you think things would be different? How would it go from an unhappy relationship to a happy relationship?
Author spirius Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 1) Because I value her and love her enough to try to change it. 2) I had so many things going on in my free time and due to some trust issues at the start, I don't feel I was making her feel appreciated. Granted she did not always make it easy to want to show her affection etc but meh. I gave up my PhD and ended my internet business so I would have more time in the evenings after work...keeping fiction writing only as a project. But I think I was still very focused on that and she would get bored while I worked. Though to be fair I didn't do that every night. I did lay it all on the line for her last Friday and she was laughing with me and thanked me for being so honest about everything. But when we met on Sunday and I got upset, she pulled back fast and not seen since. We met with my kids and of course, it was awkward and I wasn't able to show her how I felt in front of them. All the good sense stuff on here seems to say, give it up. But I want to show her how much she does mean to me, that writing and stuff isn't as important to me as she is I just think I've realised too late. I felt at the time she wasn't letting me explore anything I wanted to do, that I was responsible for her entertainment etc. I was trimming down my interests and feel I have the time to be the man she wants.
TaraMaiden Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 The reason so many people - including me - push hard for No Contact - is because we don't want to have to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart when you realise your gestures were well-intentioned, but futile. Reconciliation is up to the Dumper. Think about that Logic for a second. If there's a mistake - if there's a glimmer that perhaps actually, this could work - surely, it's the Dumper who's going to be brought to an abrupt halt, and consider that maybe the whole thing finishing was just a little hasty.....? Reconciliation comes from the Dumper. The Dumpee - it's DESperation. You will do everything and anything you can to prove.... prove what? That you can now do what you weren't doing before? That you can up the ante and be the partner/lover she would like you to be? Really? The question is - if you can do that now - why weren't you already doing that before? Trying now, is too late. Men who get dumped, because their woman wasn't 'feeling it' can't engineer that feeling now, after the event. Ok, do it. Buy the flowers, and the chocolates. Play "let me try again" by our Frankie, full blast on your car stereo, while you kneel on her lawn and mime along.... See what happens. I don't recommend it. The Romantic gestures, once you've been dumped, are all very well. But the gestures have to be maintained, long-term. in other words, it's not the Effort that counts. It's how long can you keep it up? Sincerely? 2
Mack05 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 1) Because I value her and love her enough to try to change it. 2) I had so many things going on in my free time and due to some trust issues at the start, I don't feel I was making her feel appreciated. Granted she did not always make it easy to want to show her affection etc but meh. I gave up my PhD and ended my internet business so I would have more time in the evenings after work...keeping fiction writing only as a project. But I think I was still very focused on that and she would get bored while I worked. Though to be fair I didn't do that every night. I did lay it all on the line for her last Friday and she was laughing with me and thanked me for being so honest about everything. But when we met on Sunday and I got upset, she pulled back fast and not seen since. We met with my kids and of course, it was awkward and I wasn't able to show her how I felt in front of them. All the good sense stuff on here seems to say, give it up. But I want to show her how much she does mean to me, that writing and stuff isn't as important to me as she is I just think I've realised too late. I felt at the time she wasn't letting me explore anything I wanted to do, that I was responsible for her entertainment etc. I was trimming down my interests and feel I have the time to be the man she wants. Spiral this is called being in denial. "If we get back together, I will change this and she will change that and it will all be great". Relationships don't work out like that. The success rates of couples that do get back together is VERY VERY low. Many times they will both try to make adjustments, only for new unforeseen problems to enter the relationship. You are in denial so this post is lost on you. Try listen to Tara. She is a wise women.
Author spirius Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 I appreciate the advice. Sometime beween 11am and 3pm every day, I'm going through this manic "If you don't act NOW you are going to lose the ONLY chance to save this relationship" period. My head knows that I am taking on far too much blame for this whole situation anyway, that I am being too nostalgic and trying to cling to her out of the sense that this is the only time in my short life that I will ever get to be in a relationship with this girl I love. I just don't want to be seventy, looking back on my life and knowing that I didn't try everything to make sure I didn't let that slip through my fingers. Maybe I should have done more during the relationship, but I can't change that now. I know what I have to do Thanks guys. Am terribly **** at this.
fixing Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Trust me. DONT DO IT. Waste of time, and you will knock yourself back ten times further... Why bother with someone who is not trying to make it up to you too? Save yourself some respect in her eyes. And dont be stupid. You are not going to reach 70 still wondering about this girl... FACT.
Author spirius Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 lol She bloody should be too. Half of the **** I did was because I was doubting the relationship due to stuff she was doing. I mean shouting at my kids or just being so god damn selfish all the time. Getting home from work, demanding I turned what I was watching off and came to bed, snapping at me to hurry up all the time, sending arsey texts if I was too busy at work to check my phone, making me feel like I couldn't spontaneously go out with friends because "she was looking forward to watching TV with me tonight", not to mention the day fairly early on when she asked me to bring her a sandwich during my lunchbreak...I said I couldnt and she got really arsey with me, telling me not to bother coming home...when I was actually in the car coming to surprise her...as a result of me getting annoyed by her reaction, she joined an online dating site behind my back. Also for the first 8 months of 24, was bitching about me to her best mate who had a thing for me, saying I was neglecting her when I really was not at all...and having a go at him when he flirted with one of her other friends. Its the last ten months of living together I guess I regret so bad, because she was behaving herself and actually trying to be a good girlfriend...but a part of me wonders if that was only because my name was on the lease from that point and she couldn't keep threatening to throw me out
fixing Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Yep. Not good at all. Sounds like a pure Nag. This is why you must not lower yourself to grovelling at her feet. **** it, just move forward. Look at yourself in the mirror and remember all the achievements and good things you have done in life, and learn to respect yourself more. She aint worth it.
Author spirius Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 (edited) Yeah her long standing friends said this is probably the best decision as otherwise she will just mould me into who she wants and I will lose my identity. That no matter what I give up, it will never be enough. It's just not in me to give up. I have a tendency to be stubborn about things, but ultimately to roll over and forgive anything. She even said to me once "why do you keep coming back, considering how I treat you?" This was all well over a year ago though so I keep forgetting that it hasn't always been this way. Fiercely prioritising my stuff was a counter reaction to being railroaded into bed and tv every single night. Edited March 23, 2013 by spirius addition
fixing Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Yeah, she will mould you into what she wants, and than once she is saitisfied, gradually, she will get bored and leave you anyway. Sad thing is mate. You got to look after number one in this world first. And you literally will be coming off as a sad pathetic sap, if you go crawling back to her. Been there, done that. DONT DO IT
Author spirius Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 Time to start work on myself I think. This is too much a pattern. Not being able to let go of toxic relationships. She would always say to me: "You should finish your PhD" or "Your novel is going well, you should finish it" But then start huffing and sighing if I sat down to do it until I felt bad and went to sit with her.
TaraMaiden Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 lol She bloody should be too. Half of the **** I did was because I was doubting the relationship due to stuff she was doing. I mean shouting at my kids or just being so god damn selfish all the time. Getting home from work, demanding I turned what I was watching off and came to bed, snapping at me to hurry up all the time, sending arsey texts if I was too busy at work to check my phone, making me feel like I couldn't spontaneously go out with friends because "she was looking forward to watching TV with me tonight", not to mention the day fairly early on when she asked me to bring her a sandwich during my lunchbreak...I said I couldnt and she got really arsey with me, telling me not to bother coming home...when I was actually in the car coming to surprise her...as a result of me getting annoyed by her reaction, she joined an online dating site behind my back. Also for the first 8 months of 24, was bitching about me to her best mate who had a thing for me, saying I was neglecting her when I really was not at all...and having a go at him when he flirted with one of her other friends. Its the last ten months of living together I guess I regret so bad, because she was behaving herself and actually trying to be a good girlfriend...but a part of me wonders if that was only because my name was on the lease from that point and she couldn't keep threatening to throw me out Just another point to consider... Do this, and you'll be bending over backwards so far that you'll shove your own head up your @ss, at which point you'll then make yourself believe that what you can smell is actually frangipani....
singme2sleep Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I think you should go for it. Are you the dumper? If she is the dumpee then showing up at her door with flowers and an apology will for sure have an impact. It would if my ex did that lol How long since your breakup? I believe that reconciliation is possible but after some time apart to improve yourselves and reflect. Getting back together too soon will affect the longevity of your relationship the 2nd time around. Good luck!
Minneloa Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I think you should go for it. Are you the dumper? If she is the dumpee then showing up at her door with flowers and an apology will for sure have an impact. It would if my ex did that lol ! Wait, did you read the OP's comments about what the relationship was like? It sounds awful. With all due respect, I think you may be projecting your own desire for reconciliation onto the OP's situation.
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