Is this a breakup or am I still waiting? Desperate for info - NC is so hard!

[Damsel in Distress]

I found these forums a few weeks ago and they have helped me TREMENDOUSLY with what I am going through. Today I feel that I am going crazy and finally registered so I can post.

 

I have had a 2+ year LDR with a man in another country. We often talked about how our setup is perfect - we have these very intense passionate visits, and it never gets boring or mundane. And with technology we were able to spend a lot of time connected so we could maintain the relationship. He told me often that I never have to worry about him finding a local girlfriend because he is a loner and does not want a day-to-day in-person relationship - I was his perfect woman and this was a great setup for him.

 

The only problem in the relationship has been that he suffers from undiagnosed and untreated depression, and told me he has a bad habit of withdrawing from people - times where he needs to be alone and will not answer phone calls, texts, etc. He knows that it hurts the people around him and feels very guilty about it, but he can't help it.

 

It took a year before I saw a withdrawal and once they started, they became fairly frequent, lasting anywhere from a day to a few weeks of total hibernation/withdrawal. The first time was total hell - extremely painful But when I saw that he comes back each time I got more used to it and knew it was his own demons and nothing personal.

 

A month ago things were going great and he seemed to be in an unusually good mood, very interactive, which is unusual for him in the winter. We were in the middle of a chat conversation, he said "brb", and then didn't come back... for two weeks! I had tried calling, texting and emailing a few times with no response. I was like WTF. Can depression hit that quickly?? It doesn't make sense to me that he can't at least text me that he needs to shut down, but once he starts a withdrawal he won't give any sign.

After two weeks he got back in touch. He had gotten very depressed over something that happened (nothing to do with us) and had completely withdrawn - so bad that he didn't even go to work. He apologized for shutting down and knew it was hurtful, but that's just how he handles things.

 

Then.... (drumroll!) he said while he was withdrawn he met someone and was really falling for her. I tried to stay calm (I didn't want to trigger another shutdown!) but I was thinking WTF! We've been together all this time, committed to each other, and while I was shut out you let another girl in?! And let yourself fall for her?! WHAT!?! This was out of the blue! I had no signs he was unhappy with our relationship! Valentine's Day was great, we were working a lot on a project together, and he had recently been discussing plans for our next visit. I'm so blindsided and stunned!

 

He told me he hadn't decided whether to meet this girl in person (he swears it has only been phone calls - she called him and he was very offended when I implied he had been actively looking for someone). He said he knows he's not ready for a day-to-day in person relationship, but he sounded crazy about her and I really think in two weeks he felt that he was falling in love with her! What the?!?!! He acknowledged that with him being in a depressed hell it was great for him to get attention and lighthearted chats from somebody who doesn't know his problems and isn't hurt by him. He said he doesn't know how he is going to proceed and needs space and no pressure so that he can try to straighten out his head. He said his life is such a mess and he doesn't want to hurt anybody including himself. He said he isn't breaking up with me, but he could not longer say he loved me because right now he doesn't even love himself (What? He loved me two weeks ago!). He sounded a little irrational and said things like maybe I could find somebody close to me who would love me and make me happy. (Huh?!)

 

He said he would stay in contact and continue to work on our project while he's figuring everything out and he would keep me in the loop as to how he's feeling. We were in contact for two days, he seemed fine. Hanging up, I thanked him for the call and he said "Thank YOU. Any time, any time!" and then...NOTHING since! As usual I sent a few emails and tried calling, but he is so shut down I don't think he is even checking emails - no online presence at all.

 

My usual behavior in a shutdown is to send out a feeler every few days, but after finding this forum I was convinced me that NC was the way to go. I haven't tried calling for 10 days now. But I am in HELL!!!! My mood is a roller coaster from hour to hour. Angry with him, feeling sorry for him, sad and grieving, etc. In addition to these forums I am also reading a few bipolar forums. I have wondered all along if he is bipolar - a lot of his behavior is consistent, especially these sudden and complete withdrawals. The bipolar angle is the only thing I can wrap my mind around to make sense of what he's doing. But that changes my attitude and I think "Aww this poor guy needs to know that I'm still here for him! I can't abandon him for being ruled by a disease! He can't help it!" Ugh. But even if that is what is going on, is having bipolar an excuse to blindside and hurt somebody you love?!

 

It's driving me crazy not being sure if he has moved forward with this girl or is still in a depressed hell. Please, just tell me!!! It's much worse to leave me hanging and wondering! I'm fighting urges to contact him and even had my finger on the dial button once today. How do I stay strong and not contact him, and since there wasn't a definite breakup, is NC the best thing for this situation? And would it make any sense to contact his mother to get a general idea of how he's doing?

 

****

 

Okay I am a weak person and instead of posting this and getting support to be strong I just called him after 10 days NC. He of course did not answer. And at this moment I am physically shaking and so angry with him!!!!! This is no way to treat somebody!!!

 

[Quest4_TheLost]

I've suffered from depression for a long time. I have had my shut down moments. But I didn't cut people off for weeks at a time. That sounds ridiculous and like an excuse to me. Probably another great way for him to try get attention from people.

 

I think the NC was the best thing for YOU! Not for him and his little mood swings. I don't blame you for trying when according to you he hasn't dumped you. In reality he has though. He is gone he is off courting some new girl and your sitting here in pain.

 

I hate to say it but its over. The only thing that you can do for yourself is cut the cord and move on. When I say cut the cord, tell him its over and tell him why. ( You've stated your falling in love with a new girl. You never speak to me anymore. I don't see any point in waiting around for you. Good luck and take care) Something like that.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. But I think at this point there really is nothing you can do. If you don't break it off you leave room for him to come back at any time and string you along some more. Even if you decide against that and only do NC, I think its time to stick to it.

 

*hugs*

[Damsel in Distress]

Thank you for the reply, Quest.

 

I do think it is over - he has opened himself to the idea of other women... I'm totally shocked, because I never saw that coming - he always told me he was all mine and that would never change. And changes in feelings don't happen over night, so it must have been developing for a while.. I like to blame it on him being depressed - hard to feel loving when you are depressed - but apparently he's not too depressed too have loving feelings for somebody new and exciting

 

It's just hard to understand why he won't tell me it's over - although what he told me is that he is confused. And as you are pointing out, being confused means his feelings for me are not what they used to be when he couldn't imagine himself with anybody else

 

I know I need to move on, but I'm a weak person with irrational hopes still, so I won't end iit, but I will definitely go NC for my own sanity.

[Emilia]

 

he always told me he was all mine and that would never change. And changes in feelings don't happen over night, so it must have been developing for a while.. I like to blame it on him being depressed - hard to feel loving when you are depressed - but apparently he's not too depressed too have loving feelings for somebody new and exciting

 

It's just hard to understand why he won't tell me it's over - although what he told me is that he is confused.

 

He has told you that it is over - indirectly. Happens all the time, LDRs are very unstable 'relationships', often they aren't even real. He won't have the guts to tell you that it's over but it is for all intents and purposes.

 

I think it would be very good for you if you didn't date men with depression, especially not when it's untreated. Hope you find one nearer home with whom you can have a healthy relationship. Good luck

[Wabisabi]

I was in a LDR too and he also said he loved me soooooo much and then 3 days later when I called, halfway through the convo, he said he doesn't love me anymore. There was no argument and no disagreement. Heck, we were laughing and so happy then suddenly that...it was so unreal for me. I don't know what happened but gotta take his words for it. I've been on NC for more than a week now. He texted me once to update me on his life but briefly. Then nothing anymore. I'd say it's over. Move on. I don't think your guy's that depressed. He probably uses depression as an excuse. And he never really said goodbye to you maybe because he wants to keep you as a spare. Sounds awful but possible.

 

Seriously, your story is kinda similar to mine. First time he broke up with me I was devastated. He went missing for a few hours then talked to me like nothing happened then when I thought all's well, he got upset for nothing and said some hurtful words then went missing again and when I kept quiet he got worried and begged me to take him back. I toyed with the idea that he might be bipolar but nah...it's not an excuse to hurt people whenever they like. I couldn't accept that. It's energy-sucking to be with a person like that so imagine how you're gonna be if you spend a lifetime with him...

[Am4Real]

Have you been to his home, his actual home?

 

Sounds like a married guy carrying on in a LDR with a co-worker.

 

LDR's rarely work out! If the parties get together in the same location after a few months all can be well, but longer than six months and certainly one and one-half years is hardly a relationship by known definition, its almost an acquaintance. Too many distractions, temptations and independent thinking going on by at least one of the parties.

[Damsel in Distress]

I have been to his home, met his parents, etc. I'm sure he's not married, but

I do think you are right that it was the situation, the LDR, that led to the breakup rather than anything about our feelings about each other. He has met somebody local who is showing interest in him. He always said he didn't want that because with his depression he can't maintain a full-time relationship, but I can't blame him for wanting to try it, and maybe he can, who knows.

[Am4Real]

I do think you are right that it was the situation, the LDR, that led to the breakup rather than anything about our feelings about each other.

 

Hang in there. You're not alone or the first person to have this happen to them from a LDR.

[Confusedcompletely]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I can relate to your feelings well. Not just with the situation that you've read about but because I've also had a LDR with someone and it was a rollercoaster a lot like yours!

 

The hardest thing I had to learn from my past relationships is that saying "never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option". I know it hurts but that is what this man is doing to you right now.

 

When you love someone it's easy to come up with excuses for their behaviour. I too have done the whole "Oh he has depression, maybe even bipolar, I can't abandon him now!" The thing is, I have depression too and am pending a diagnosis for bipolar disorder, and would never shut people out like that, let alone let another person into my life in that way.

 

You deserve so much more than what you are getting from him right now. No one deserves to be put on the back burner while their partner decides to either pursue a relationship with someone else or stay in a relationship they're ALREADY in!

 

DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE AN OPTION!!! Don't sit around for closure or an official breakup. Realise that you're worth more and that if he can't see that then it's his loss! Forgive yourself for breaking NC and get straight back into it. There is no easy way to stay in NC but I personally found that once I could admit to myself that I was treated unfairly, that I gave more than I got in the relationship, and that he wasn't as amazing as I'd thought, it started getting better. Eventually I got to the point where I was HOPING he wouldn't contact me.

 

Maybe you could write down your feelings. Write what he's done to you throughout the relationship and how it's affected you. Write about the situation he's put you in right now and every time you have a moment where you want to break NC, read it. Remind yourself how he's made you feel and also how you feel when you reach out only to hit a brick wall. I'm big on writing so I don't know if this is something you would want to do or not, but it was a really big help for me when I was in your position. I also wrote why I was worth more and how I deserve to be treated, just to boost my own confidence and self-esteem instead of just writing negatives.

 

Eventually you will get through this and meet someone who makes you feel happy. Someone will come into your life and make you the priority. You won't have to wonder where you stand with them, where they've gone, or if they've found someone else. The catch is that you won't find this person while you're waiting around for the guy to make a decision or give you closer.

 

I wish the best for you and hope you feel better as soon as possible!

[Damsel in Distress]

Confused, thank you so much for this very compassionate and inspiring post. I really needed to hear those words of encouragement.

 

Being Friday night I am having a hard time. So many hours of empty time that I used to spend on video or chatting with him, messing around online and having fun. And tonight with this down-time I find myself ruminating and wondering where he is, what he is doing, how is he feeling. All I know is that for 5 weeks now he's completely cut off all forms of contact (except for two days midway where we talked by phone), and it's painful to think he was able to give it up so easily.

 

I was actually sitting here thinking it's possible that he's just very depressed and confused and had about convinced myself to message his mom so I would at least know if he's happy right now or seriously depressed. So your reply came at just the right time. The words really hit home. Whatever he is thinking or doing is irrelevant. He has put me on a back burner, and as you say, I was already in a relationship with him - I shouldn't be just one of the options right now! I deserve someone who has no doubts that I am the first choice.

 

It does sound so appealing to imagine somebody who doesn't disappear, who is always there, and consistently shows his love! And it's making me teary comparing how it SHOULD be and how sad and crazed this man is making me feel right now (and has in the past when he shuts me out! I'm a confident woman with a PhD for god's sake... and the times he has shut me out over these two years it made me a paranoid, hurt, emotional mess!)

 

Thank you. Amazing how helpful it is to get support

[Wabisabi]

There are a lot of good advices here! LDR is really tough in the long run especially when you don't get to meet them in person often. When the other person's missing you'll imagine all sorts of awful things happening to him but for all you know he's having a great time and you're the one sitting at home worrying for nothing.

 

I guess it's time you go out and meet friends who are physically and emotionally present for you. Go back to NC and you can line up your schedule with more fun things you've always wanted to do but couldn't because you were busy chatting with him. That's what I do and it helps on a day to day basis. Hope you feel better soon!

[Damsel in Distress]

Well today I finally got the "evidence" I needed to accept that he is with somebody else. Despite what everybody has told me, I kept holding on the the last thing he told me 3 weeks ago - that he wasn't breaking up with me, he was confused and depressed and not sure what to do about this new local girl falling into his lap, and he would keep me updated.

Despite telling me he would stay in touch, he has been completely silent since then. Absolutely no contact or online presence at all, so I've been feeling crazy to know if he's depressed, if he started going out with her, PLEASE give me information!!

 

I still haven't heard from him but of course I'm a wuss at NC and have checked all the online places I can check for info (to at least see he's alive!). The past two weekends I saw an online location stamp in a location that is not near his house and nowhere he has ever been before. Last weekend I was suspicious, but when he appeared in the same general area this weekend, I was convinced. I know we aren't supposed to look for these signs, and yes it hurts to see the evidence - my heart feels SOOOOO tight and heavy, and I feel shaky all inside.

BUT, I feel very differently than I did before. Much more able to accept that he has moved on. When there was any room for another explanation (depressed, confused, etc), I couldn't accept it. Now I do. (and I'm upset that he didn't make this easier for me by telling me himself. He had told me that he would!)

 

I'm still an emotional mess, but before it was a desperate obsessive need to find out if I still had any chance to get him back/not lose him. Today, the feeling is different - I feel sad and defeated, but I don't have that crazy obsessive feeling. I know where I stand.

 

So today I start the process of truly moving on. At least for the moment I no longer feel an urge to break NC. I know he has moved on. I'm not waiting for him to call and tell me. I don't need to hear it from his mouth. I believe it. (I still can't BELIEVE he moved on that quickly and abruptly without giving me any sign ahead of time, but hey, that's what happened.)

[Am4Real]

I'm so sorry for your pain. I really am.

 

Well today I finally got the "evidence" I needed to accept that he is with somebody else. Despite what everybody has told me, I kept holding on the the last thing he told me 3 weeks ago - that he wasn't breaking up with me, he was confused and depressed and not sure what to do about this new local girl falling into his lap, and he would keep me updated.

Despite telling me he would stay in touch, he has been completely silent since then. Absolutely no contact or online presence at all, so I've been feeling crazy to know if he's depressed, if he started going out with her, PLEASE give me information!!

 

I still haven't heard from him but of course I'm a wuss at NC and have checked all the online places I can check for info (to at least see he's alive!). The past two weekends I saw an online location stamp in a location that is not near his house and nowhere he has ever been before. Last weekend I was suspicious, but when he appeared in the same general area this weekend, I was convinced. I know we aren't supposed to look for these signs, and yes it hurts to see the evidence - my heart feels SOOOOO tight and heavy, and I feel shaky all inside.

BUT, I feel very differently than I did before. Much more able to accept that he has moved on. When there was any room for another explanation (depressed, confused, etc), I couldn't accept it. Now I do. (and I'm upset that he didn't make this easier for me by telling me himself. He had told me that he would!)

 

I'm still an emotional mess, but before it was a desperate obsessive need to find out if I still had any chance to get him back/not lose him. Today, the feeling is different - I feel sad and defeated, but I don't have that crazy obsessive feeling. I know where I stand.

 

So today I start the process of truly moving on. At least for the moment I no longer feel an urge to break NC. I know he has moved on. I'm not waiting for him to call and tell me. I don't need to hear it from his mouth. I believe it. (I still can't BELIEVE he moved on that quickly and abruptly without giving me any sign ahead of time, but hey, that's what happened.)