First relationship, first break-up, dying inside

[steveT95]

I know this is long but please read

 

 

I'll give you a run down of all that has gone on first.

We met at college (6th form, whatever you call it, where ever you are) and we started skyping and we realised we were interested in each other. At the time she was with a guy that she had been trying to brake up with for months but whenever she tried he would phone up and cry and make her feel guilty. She would then go back to him. They were together nine months. Three of those months she was trying to finish with him.

 

We hung out and then on the 9th of october we became official. We don't have a lot of similar interests but we enjoy a lot of similar things such as movies, books etc we have the same attitudes towards things (although mine is a little more positive.) As I got to know her I found out there was quite a few skeletons in the closet. Issues she hadn't/wouldn't deal with. Severe social anxiety, depression, paranoia, an unsupportive family, constant childhood bullying and daddy issues. It sounds terrible listing it all like that but to me it doesn't seem that bad. We had are moments when we would argue, but over time I learnt that this was due to her mood swings caused by her past (abusive raping ex.) There hasn't been one directed at me since the last time in which I decided to just turn off my phone and ignore her. Bad idea. So I've learnt if I see the tell tale signs to just not let it bother me ad then it won't develop into anything.

We spent christmas eve together and new years eve together. A lot of weekends were spent together too. She is my world, everything I do for her is to make her happy. I know she has been through a lot and I just want to be that guy that sticks by her and pulls her out of the dirt.

We discussed love, we discussed that there is loving someone and then being in love with someone. We discussed the differences of them and what it meant to be in love. A few weeks later she announced she was in love with me. A few weeks after that I was in love with her and told her so.

I guess I got kind of clingy, a bit love sick puppy. I was really comfortable with her, told her stuff I had told no one else. The length of time we had been together seemed so much longer. It sounds ridiculous but we discussed engagement (she said yes and I hadn't even proposed.) One day we were together just hanging out she looked me in the eye and said 'You will be the man I marry.'

Four or so weeks ago things started to go down hill. After valentines weekend in which we spent the entire weekend together, I cooked her a meal and bought her presents. I stayed at hers the third night (I am now realising that I was invited probably just to keep me happy and from been lonely which I had admitted to her I felt whenever she left after a weekend.)

Since christmas she had been had pains in her sides, over the weeks since valentines day this has migrating into her hip bones up her spine and into her legs. She's been for blood tests but all symptoms seem to point to bone cancer (or I am a helluva a lover ) Although there is chance it may not be cancer.

The college screwed her over a lot to and caused her a lot of stress so she has a poor attendance and now has to catch up on a lot of work along with coping with the crippling pain and a severe depression which has developed a long side it (she's always been depressed, it's just got worse, she cries all the time)

Now I come into the picture, she started been distant, whenever I tried to plan something there was something in the way, stuff that seemed reasonable but it still wasn't quite right. She text less often and I felt like I was the only one making an effort. She no longer made an effort to skype.

Last week I got really worked up about it, crying and getting angry. She talks to this guy in australia, I'm not totally comfortable with it but she assures me there couldn't ever be anything going on and they don't talk that often and I trust her.

We have both started questioning us. All the signs point towards it ending and this has really thrown me. It seems so sudden. She questions us she doesn't know how she feels. She doesn't really feel anything for anyone anymore.

And it look like we are breaking up and be on the phone and she'll get annoyed at me or frustrated and I will get hurt. She talks how she just wants to move away, start over with out anyone. But then she will randomly text inquiring about me or having a laugh with me. It leaves me so confused as to what she wants, she still put our 'xxxx' on the end of a message four kisses is our thing and she still does it.

She said last night that she 'can't deal with the pressure of been so close to someone' she hasn't called it off yet because she did that with a guy once and he killed himself so now she feels very responsible for people.

But I am really wondering if it could be just because she has so much on her plate at the moment she can't cope with trying to please at this moment in time. Part of me knows us ending is for the best but the rest of me just wants her company and love. My 18th is in less than two months, we were supposed to be going london together but she called that off due to not having any money. I want her for my 18th I want her in my life. I am in love with her and thinking back to when we started off knowing that it leads to nothing makes me want to cry.

I want to talk with her in person, like grown ups, without been separated by all this technology.

[steveT95]

Update since this morning.

I went into college hoping to arrange to meet her afterwards so we could talk and finally get out of limbo and know whether we were together or not. She lives nearby so I suggested there but she didn't want to do it there. I told her I had questions that needed answering, I was sat in my psychology lesson and she kept texting asking me just ask her then but I said no because of the complications texts cause. I pressed the send button before putting 'xxxx' by accident so she got annoyed about that because she thought I was being off.

 

Anyways, I met her when lunched started and I she wanted me to ask her the questions then and I asked away, nothing unreasonable just stuff I deserved to know. Every answer I got was so cold or uncommitted. She started getting annoyed and using a snarky tone with me. I just wanted to talk like adults but she wouldn't let it be. She asked what was happening and I said I really cared about her but how it was wasn't working and that we were over. I immediately choked up and was trying to stop myself wailing. Then I saw her crying (she cries a lot these days) and I just wanted to hug her. She started to walk off I said 'I love you' she marched away, I chased after her wanting to ask her to tell me the results of her blood test she was having but she said 'just leave me alone.' Some things got said in the conversation that weren't nice but were just how it felt. We both had our hearts broken. She had to go to english, I called my mum to pick me up, I couldn't face an hour on the bus. I had to go to the farthest point of the car park behind an old shed and just cry, I was having panic attacks.

[steveT95]

About 40 minutes after this she text 'are you alright?'

I replied 'I dunno, you?'

Her: 'No'

 

Then I got a text saying 'how dare you say I wouldn't care if you killed yourself. broke my effing heart'

 

I didn't get see it and then I got a text 'don't ignore me, please'

 

me: 'I'm not going to ignore you, I just can't talk right now, we can talk later if you want.'

 

her: 'nah'

 

me: 'You asked me not to ignore you. I'm offering to talk, choice is yours'

 

her: 'I'll just leave it. Thanks for the past five months, I enjoyed it and I loved you, of course I did' (But she couldn't say that an hour before when we were talking and I asked her!)

 

me: 'It's a shame you didn't say that earlier. I may of said it was over, but god knows I don't want it to be.'

 

her: 'You said it'

 

me: 'I wasn't getting anything from you. As far as I could tell you wanted it over but didn't want to be the one to say it.'

 

her: 'I don't know what I want. Maybe this is for the best aye.'

 

And that was that. I've been crying and regretting the whole day ever since.

[geegirl]

She sounds emotionally detached and ambivalent. Her contact doesn't mean she wants anything more, but just to have you there as a crutch. She likes the comfort that she has with you, but it's jus tnot enough for her to want a relationship with you.

 

I would suggest you cut contact, although I know you will most likely keep entertaining her.

 

I have a feeling the honeymoon period has ended for her.

[steveT95]

Thank you for the reply, much needed, I'm getting desperate for some support.

 

Yes, the honeymoon period ended for her after valentines day, she became increasingly ill and now she just doesn't have the energy to make the effort.

 

She kept turning things around on me saying 'I warned you what I was like' but she also said with me it was different!

 

She has no one but that's how she wants it. But I really want her, I want to just give her a hug and hold her and smell her again and just be hers and have her and as mine.

[geegirl]

Thank you for the reply, much needed, I'm getting desperate for some support.

 

Yes, the honeymoon period ended for her after valentines day, she became increasingly ill and now she just doesn't have the energy to make the effort.

 

She kept turning things around on me saying 'I warned you what I was like' but she also said with me it was different!

 

She has no one but that's how she wants it. But I really want her, I want to just give her a hug and hold her and smell her again and just be hers and have her and as mine.

 

Steve, with all the issues she has had in her past and currently, and the fact that she handed you a big red flag when she said, "I warned you what I was like," I would suggest you cut your losses and grieve this relationship.

 

And it doesn't matter that she said you were different, we've all, in our relationships have heard the lines. With you it's different -- and they say that in the peak of of the honeymoon stage. That's when they're caught up with the butterflies. In a euphoric state. Then months later, when the issues within surface, they start to get pulled down to reality and soon enough, they lose that euphoria and they're detaching.

 

It's over. I know you're still emotional and in a place where you're romanticizing the relationship and idealizing her and it will take time for you to disconnect from those feelings. But I advise you to stop contact and let her go. She will only bring you pain, in the state that she is in.

Edited March 20, 2013 by geegirl

[Chi townD]

Well, you can't be in a relationship when both parties aren't in it 100%. She wasn't there. She seemed more annoyed with you than in love. Even after the honeymoon phase of the relationship is over, you still can't picture your life without that person. You may be at that point, but she's not. You guys aren't on even keel and she's been keeping you at a distance. She's got soooo much baggage that, perhaps, she just alwas keeps people at arms length. She doesn't let people get too close to her because she doesn't want to get hurt anymore. That's an issue that SHE has to work on. You can't help her with that.

[steveT95]

This is becoming a real mindf**k.

I got a text saying she wanted to text me but didn't know what to say just because she can't not text me. I got a few texts in a few minutes asking not to be ignored and then as I was replying I got a call. She's in quite a state and she's saying she has nothing without me and can't be without me but she doesn't know how she feels. She then hung up apologising for contacting me. If I'm honest, I liked that she was realising that life without me at all isn't how she imagined but she also said she can't believing that it's hurting her more than me (because I wasn't crying at the time like her) However I quickly explained how I had only just managed to stop crying since breaking up with her five hours on and that when at college I had to go and hide behind a distant shed and cry.

 

I went on fb and saw she had set the relationship status as 'single' that stung. I phoned her, it's hard to have a conversation because she just doesn't know how she feels about anything anymore. But she suggested spending a day together in the easter holidays! I want this a lot but my reaction wasn't the best. 'yeah I would like to, I would really like to! But I don't know..' She asked me to hang up because she found the phone call upsetting.

Later on I asked if maybe we could try remaining friends (neither of us particularly have friends at college and it would be nice to get on.) She said she doesn't know if it would be enough for her and need time to think about it. I suggested starting from scratch. I also told her I was deactivating my facebook account for awhile. She didn't want me to and told me it would make her sad, so I told her should could text me if she had anything to say to me and I couldn't cope with it at the moment (to many photos.)

I am constantly crying and the thought of not been a part of her life or hers been a part of mine is killing me. I know she wants me in her life, she's just not sure how much. I'm going to step back for a bit.

[A n t h o n y]

Sorry to say but you were a rebound. It sucks I've been there. Delete / block / move on trust me I've waited around before when I was a rebound and you will never be the 1st choice. Save yourself months of pain and heartache.

[steveT95]

Well...we're back together. We were going to try and be friends but I couldn't cope with that and felt it was all or nothing. She was telling me she missed me and we were talking almost like normal but close and it just didn't feel or seem right to not be together.

She said losing me was the wake up call she needed and it made her realise how much she really did love me and miss me.

So for now we are together but I am going to do my best to back off and not be so in her face. I'm going to make a big effort to get my own life and do things for myself and not worry about her problems.

 

This is what I can cope with, having her whilst I get my own life, then if in the end it doesn't work out at least I will have something their to catch me when I fall.

[steveT95]

Well I admit I struggled to step back but I week on and we are at the same place we were a week ago. This is so hard. I at least hoped to have time to build my own life before we fell apart again.

Today I was out doing some photography work for college and she text saying 'I'm still not sure about us if I'm honest.'

Then she was saying she wasn't sure about herself. Then according to her I was been selfish when she excused what she was saying by blaming it on her bad mood, despite sending the text totally out of the blue. She's on a trip away for a few days, I don't know why she is causing trouble with us.

And to make things even harder she is talking to this guy (think I mentioned him before) on facebook and they seem to be getting close with in jokes etc. I said to her she talks to him more than she does to me and she said it was because he doesn't remind her of all the **** in her life.

When I broke up with her last week she couldn't help but text me and she kept telling me she missed me and that she loved me. Now she can't be bothered to say good morning. But on monday she told me she was in love with me!!! After I said it but I had said it before and told her I just wanted her to know and didn't require a response.

 

This is getting annoying now, can't be happy with her. Can't be happy without her!

[steveT95]

Last night I apologised to her for how I reacted to her text, I admit it was a little strong.

I received a long ol' text today that she doesn't know how she feels, sick of been made the bad guy, see that really I'm just arrogant (which I admitted months ago!)

She's just trying to find any reason not to want to be with me, she admitted she wishes I would do something she could hate me for. We aren't working, but I believe that is because she is unwilling to try to make it work.

I'm sick of this and we can't just talk because she turns it all into an argument. All she does is hide behind the screen of her computer or phone and it is beginning to drive me crazy!

[geegirl]

I said to her she talks to him more than she does to me and she said it was because he doesn't remind her of all the **** in her life.

 

This made me cringe. If you are her partner, talking to you should be the highlight of her day. He doesn't remind her of the **** in her life. So what does talking to you remind her of? Slap in the face.

 

Steve, you're trying to twist yourself into a pretzel to conform to her antics because you so desperately want this to work. Sadly, it won't no matter how hard you try because she is not emotionally invested to wanting to be with you. She has commitment issues and patterns like that don't change because of love.

 

The cycle doesn't end until you stop it. She's going to keep dragging you through the mud. She's not thinking about the emotional pain you are going through, but mostly what makes her content at that moment. When she wants you as a crutch, she picks you up, when she doesn't, she drops you.

 

You know why you can't "just talk" because talk is uncomfortable. It forces her to confront the issues. And if the issues aren't important to her, then guess what, she's not invested with working on the relationship. It almost becomes an annoyance to her because she doesn't want to deal with the emotional "drama". And why would she take "talking it out" seriously when she can't even take you or the relationship seriously?

 

Lastly, she finds you least attractive when you keep behaving this way. Man up, step away and show her that you will not be manipulated and kept around as her beck and call.

[steveT95]

Thanks geegirl that was a great response.

 

We had had plans to spend the weekend together, after she sent that big long text I asked if she wanted to give it a go to see how we did or not. She hasn't replied and to be honest I'm not expecting her to want to come over.

I'm getting to the point where I am just going to snap and shout and be mad with her and that probably isn't a bad thing, but it will just give her more ammunition to use against me. I know this is coming to a end, I am less upset about it than I was this time last week. (I can't believe it is a week today since I first ended it with her and I couldn't stop been upset and she couldn't stop trying to contact me.) But it still hurts and I want to be civil about it. But it's going to be really hard.

[geegirl]

The reason you want to snap and shout is because you're waiting around for her to make a decision for you. You have to make the decision to end it, on your own.

 

It's as if you're sitting there waiting for something to happen and you'll just go with the flow until she decides for you.

 

At some point you have to say enough.

 

If you want to be civil, accept that she can't be in a relationship with you, end it and shut that door.

[steveT95]

I'm going to give her a ultimatum.

Either she see me at the weekend, meaning she does still want to try or we are quits and that's that.

[geegirl]

I'm going to give her a ultimatum.

Either she see me at the weekend, meaning she does still want to try or we are quits and that's that.

 

Well, I think her silence is a huge indicator but if you want to give her that ultimatum, it's your choice.

[steveT95]

Well I asked if she was alright and she said no, she ended up phoning upset. How she has no family (they really are the most uncaring family I've ever come across.)

This guy she's talking to online in australia is posting her a jumper. Her mum asked her if I was alright about it and she said she didn't see how it mattered.

Then she was going on about how she just wanted to move out to australia where he is because all his friends and him seem so great.

Then I said 'Well you're only talking to me because you need to and you're upset. You don't want to talk any other time.'

She responded with 'this isn't working, sorry, I don't want to be in a relationship with a guy who thinks I only talk to him because I need to, it's over.'

I said 'OK, well you know I cared about you and love you, thanks for the good times. Goodbye.'

She phoned up again a few minutes later crying and saying how sorry she was for treating me like ****. I told her it was okay. After the phone call she text me a suicide note. She really does just want to end it. I was on the phone to her again for quite awhile but then hung up because I thought she told me to but apparently hadn't. So that didn't go down well then she was mad because I wasn't telling her that I loved her and that it would hurt me and was just saying the generic anti-suicide things. She's back to turning things around to make me the bad guy again.

I went on the phone to a samaritan.

Then she text saying how she just screws everything up and how she screws my life up and that's why she talks to the australian guy because she can't be close enough to effect his life.

It still bloody hurts that she talks with him so much and that she is getting his jumper. Even her mum (a unconcerned and indifferent sort of woman) picked up on that I might not be okay with it. It's never right. I'm relieved I guess that it's over but at the same time wish it would work. But I know it won't and that she is no good for me. Sure, I'm upset but not as much as I was last week. I just hope she doesn't kill herself.

[geegirl]

This girl has some serious issues. You can't fix her and the best thing for you to do is focus on yourself and start your healing process. I don't believe she will stabilize but only continue to keep this inconsistent, up and down, back and forth.

 

I will say that she is manipulative when she is trying to extract attention from you, and when she gets it, she s**** on you. She is not good for you.

[steveT95]

I realise that now. It sounds harsh but I consider her a bit of an emotional slut, she doesn't want sexual attention she wants emotional attention.

I care about her and do love her so stepping away isn't particularly easy. But I am not as invested in us as I was.

We've broken up (although not yet according to fb which seems to be the important thing these days.) But I still need to have it out with her and tell her how I felt about her talking to this other guy, which she continued with even after I expressed my discomfort with. She needs to see that she's doing what she's had done to her in the past by other people.

[steveT95]

Well that's it, it's over. As far as I knew we had broken up but she just sent a TEXT making it final. Then we were on the phone for awhile. She said she had proof that I said she was 'f**ked up.'

She had gone on my facebook and saw messages that I had said to an online help guy when I was ranting and angry and upset.

But yeah, it's over, I'm gutted but I guess it's for the best. Doesn't make it any easier though.

[geegirl]

Well that's it, it's over. As far as I knew we had broken up but she just sent a TEXT making it final. Then we were on the phone for awhile. She said she had proof that I said she was 'f**ked up.'

She had gone on my facebook and saw messages that I had said to an online help guy when I was ranting and angry and upset.

But yeah, it's over, I'm gutted but I guess it's for the best. Doesn't make it any easier though.

 

I think even if she didn't have that proof, the relationship was already over. Maybe that was what was needed to cut ties completely.

[steveT95]

She said she wanted a reason to hate me and now that she has one she still doesn't. She needs to time to clear her. She says when we are together she doesn't want to be but when we're not she wants to be. I said I want someone that loves me and she says she can't provide that. We both have agreed to be civil and friendly towards each other and aren't going to make massive OTT efforts to avoid each other. Just behave like adults and not make a big deal out of things.

[thefooloftheyear]

Last week I got really worked up about it, crying and getting angry. She talks to this guy in australia, I'm not totally comfortable with it but she assures me there couldn't ever be anything going on and they don't talk that often and I trust her.

.

 

 

HUGE red flag.....You shouldnt be comfortable with it...You are a kid...Just move on. She sounds like a flake.

 

TFOY

[geegirl]

She said she wanted a reason to hate me and now that she has one she still doesn't. She needs to time to clear her. She says when we are together she doesn't want to be but when we're not she wants to be. I said I want someone that loves me and she says she can't provide that. We both have agreed to be civil and friendly towards each other and aren't going to make massive OTT efforts to avoid each other. Just behave like adults and not make a big deal out of things.

 

I have a feeling the emotional roller coaster you are on with this woman is not about to stop anytime soon.