Traceylovesyou Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 A mother would not walk away from her child if the child were to do something unforgiveable, this is the definition of unconditional love. Many of us walk away from love because a person has brought us pain and we do not wish to feel anymore, we wish for happiness. Although the love we feel for a partner is not unconditional, it is something which should be treated just the same, for love is a word that many use without thought. Trust is something that many feel goes hand in hand with love, for you must trust the ones you love or how will it ever work? Take into consideration a person who has suffered at the hands of those they had put all their faith into, and the end result was nothing but pain and loss, should they truly have faith in someone when there minds have been made to do the opposite, for them trust has brought them nothing but lies and hurt, it is foolish to think they could magically just trust in you without the thought you may hurt them too. A person who has been through so much tragedy will fall in love, but they will find it so difficult to believe that this will work out for them. It is not a case of 'well they should trust me because i am not like the others', you should see it from their point of view. Have you been in a relationship with someone you truly loved but their lack of faith in you caused you so much stress and hurt? I bet you walked away because you could not cope anymore, and what about them? You just add to the long list of people that gave up on them and you will leave them even more broken. If you love someone, you do not walk away, you know why they are the way they are, but you love them because of who they are inside, not because of the damage that others have done to them, you may think that you tried to help them, you may think that you did all you could, but really? You do not stop trying, because there is always a way to fix what is broken, remember you are the person that wanted to be with them, you genuinely wanted to spend your life with them, and this is what the rest could not offer, this is why you can be the only one to fix them. No matter what they say to you, their words and actions can be hurtful, but these words/actions, this hurt comes from the damage that other people have done to your lover, and although you feel so angry that it is being dealt to you, the person you love does not wish to hurt you, they are desperately seeking a way to destroy those negative thoughts, can you not understand, they wish to give you everything. How would you feel if you were to walk away from someone you loved with all your heart because you gave up trying to fix them, and then sometime down the line, another came into their life and took the same pain you did, but kept going until eventually they managed to fix what you gave up on, i am sure to them it would be the greatest feeling in the world, they saved this person and they get to have a brilliant future with them. You will be the one to think i loved them with all my heart but it is not me that gets what i always wanted, all because you were too lost in the 'pain' they were causing you at the time, when in the end this pain was nothing but the result of the actions of others, and you must forgive someone who you know in their heart does not wish to hurt you. To all those who are going through such a situation, do not walk away, stay and make it right, because love is not just rose petals and chocolates, it is so much more. 3
na49 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 My ex was very good at saying "I love you". It turns out she wasn't very good at showing it however. 4
KathyM Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Romantic love is a feeling that comes and goes over time. It fluctuates in the good and bad times. Love does not conquer all. I am all for people sticking it out in a marriage and not throwing a marriage away when troubles arise. But an unmarried relationship where people have major dealbreakers--that is something you walk away from to find someone you are more compatible with. With the divorce rate at 50%, it's foolish to marry someone who has dealbreaker characteristics. It's hard enough to stay married without going into it with strikes against it. And don't ever stay with someone thinking you can change them. You can't change someone else. Only they can change, and change is very difficult to do. If you can't accept the person the way he is, then don't enter into a relationship thinking you are going to change them. It doesn't work. Plenty of failed marriages out there where people went into a marriage thinking they are going to change something about their spouse (their smoking, their drinking, their excessive porn habit, their long history of unemployment, their cheating ways). Change is not likely to happen. What you see is what you get. If what you see is a dealbreaker, then it's best to cut your losses and move on before investing more time in a relationship where the other person has dealbreakers. 2
Author Traceylovesyou Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 This applies only to those who have been broken by the acts of others. I do not speak of a relationship where one individual is unfaithful to the other, because to me that is not real love, how can you love a person if you are unfaithful to them, at the moment you were with someone else you paid no thought to the person you are in a relationship with, this is not love. So if your partner was unfaithful to you, her love for you was not love, it was more a need for attention. I speak of being there for someone who was damaged long before you met them, they are faithful and love you with all their heart but their trust issues are the cause of pain in your relationship, in this situation love is real, it is finding a way to heal the person you are with who is so damaged by the pain others have caused to them. I would not stay in a relationship with someone who was unfaithful to me, for love does not exist on both sides. I am sorry for your pain, but you must find someone who is faithful and actually in love with you, and if you find a person who suffers from trust issues being the result of their past, then please do not give up on them, for they will truly love you, you just need to stay strong and find a way to rid them of their pain.
adelia Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 It's not your job to change someone else it's their job and one they want to do. And what about yourself? Do you deserve to be subjected to the abuse? It's ok to love and understand someone, even be there for them but you don't have to be in a relationship with them or god forbid a marriage. It's up to them to fix what issues they have. 1
adelia Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Also sometimes mothers do have to walk away it's called tough love. In extreme situations but in this case were not talking a child were talking an adult.
Author Traceylovesyou Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 Please read once more, i do not think all truly understand the meaning behind my words, a person with trust issues has been crafted that way from years of hurt and pain, but it does not mean they are not the person they truly are inside, and anything is fixable. If you fall in love with someone, you fall in love with their qualities, their inner person, and you are not attempting to change that person at all, that is who they are and that is where you found love, you are trying to rid them off all those negative thoughts that were put there by the people that have hurt them in the past, so you are not changing them at all, you are taking away something that should not be there, the person you love and the qualities about this person that you are attracted to have and will always be there, because this is who they are!! It is the poison that people have infected this person with that needs to be taken away, you are not changing them at all, you are allowing them to continuously be the person you fell in love with, the person they truly are without this poison tearing them apart, this is the problem with so many people, they believe its always about someone having to change, it is not changing the person, it is ridding them of the pain that others have left with them! 1
adelia Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I agree love isn't always rose petals and chocolates it's hard work and it is accepting and compromise. Unconditional love. If there's abuse though whether emotional or physical that's where a line should be drawn. I guess it really depends how you feel about that person as far as them having trust issues. A loving partner usually will work on showing their SO that their way of thinking is not correct and that not all people are out to decieve them. I do agree that relationships take patience and acceptance of each others shortcomings.
Author Traceylovesyou Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 And i am sorry but if you love somebody, then you do not turn around and say it is up to them to fix it, they did not cause their pain in the first place, and if you cannot help them rid themselves of their pain, then you do not deserve to be with them, regardless of the abuse or hurt you have felt from them, because all that abuse and hurt is not intentional, it is battle for them and if you cannot understand that a person who has these issues is desperately finding a way to rid themselves of this hurt, because all they want to do is be the person you love and give you all their love, then you are truly blind. If you hurt someone so much, you will take away their trust in people, and if they hurt someone because of their lack of trust, it is generally a load of questions, accusations, verbal nonsense, which yes i agree can hurt someone emotionally, but it is not a real intent to cause someone pain, for them it is a battle in the mind of whether they are going to get hurt once more, and they become oblivious to what they are doing because they are so consumed by their confusion. These people need support until they can heal, they do not need a whole bunch of 'its your problem, you need to fix it or else im leaving you, you have hurt me', that is a disgusting response, these are good people who have been treated like s*** all their lives and they need someone to say 'look you hurt me with your words and accusations and lack of trust, but i know it is not you, and i know it is not your fault, so i will be by your side until you finally get rid of that poison in your head because i know you are an amazing person in there, thats why i love you' !!!!!!!!!
Bando89 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I like this thread. My ex had issues and I always tried my best to help her fix them, but the truth is you can't change people, if they don't wanna change themselves. After a year she dumped me and started seeing another guy in 2 weeks. THere's nothing else I can do... 2
sattech200 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Wow I wish there was a way I could get this in front of my love that walked away a month ago and left me so heartbroken with little explanation and total silence. I'm so lost. I have a post with details in the coping bored. A mother would not walk away from her child if the child were to do something unforgiveable, this is the definition of unconditional love. Many of us walk away from love because a person has brought us pain and we do not wish to feel anymore, we wish for happiness. Although the love we feel for a partner is not unconditional, it is something which should be treated just the same, for love is a word that many use without thought. Trust is something that many feel goes hand in hand with love, for you must trust the ones you love or how will it ever work? Take into consideration a person who has suffered at the hands of those they had put all their faith into, and the end result was nothing but pain and loss, should they truly have faith in someone when there minds have been made to do the opposite, for them trust has brought them nothing but lies and hurt, it is foolish to think they could magically just trust in you without the thought you may hurt them too. A person who has been through so much tragedy will fall in love, but they will find it so difficult to believe that this will work out for them. It is not a case of 'well they should trust me because i am not like the others', you should see it from their point of view. Have you been in a relationship with someone you truly loved but their lack of faith in you caused you so much stress and hurt? I bet you walked away because you could not cope anymore, and what about them? You just add to the long list of people that gave up on them and you will leave them even more broken. If you love someone, you do not walk away, you know why they are the way they are, but you love them because of who they are inside, not because of the damage that others have done to them, you may think that you tried to help them, you may think that you did all you could, but really? You do not stop trying, because there is always a way to fix what is broken, remember you are the person that wanted to be with them, you genuinely wanted to spend your life with them, and this is what the rest could not offer, this is why you can be the only one to fix them. No matter what they say to you, their words and actions can be hurtful, but these words/actions, this hurt comes from the damage that other people have done to your lover, and although you feel so angry that it is being dealt to you, the person you love does not wish to hurt you, they are desperately seeking a way to destroy those negative thoughts, can you not understand, they wish to give you everything. How would you feel if you were to walk away from someone you loved with all your heart because you gave up trying to fix them, and then sometime down the line, another came into their life and took the same pain you did, but kept going until eventually they managed to fix what you gave up on, i am sure to them it would be the greatest feeling in the world, they saved this person and they get to have a brilliant future with them. You will be the one to think i loved them with all my heart but it is not me that gets what i always wanted, all because you were too lost in the 'pain' they were causing you at the time, when in the end this pain was nothing but the result of the actions of others, and you must forgive someone who you know in their heart does not wish to hurt you. To all those who are going through such a situation, do not walk away, stay and make it right, because love is not just rose petals and chocolates, it is so much more.
emmalynro Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 And i am sorry but if you love somebody, then you do not turn around and say it is up to them to fix it, they did not cause their pain in the first place, and if you cannot help them rid themselves of their pain, then you do not deserve to be with them, regardless of the abuse or hurt you have felt from them, because all that abuse and hurt is not intentional, it is battle for them and if you cannot understand that a person who has these issues is desperately finding a way to rid themselves of this hurt, because all they want to do is be the person you love and give you all their love, then you are truly blind. If you hurt someone so much, you will take away their trust in people, and if they hurt someone because of their lack of trust, it is generally a load of questions, accusations, verbal nonsense, which yes i agree can hurt someone emotionally, but it is not a real intent to cause someone pain, for them it is a battle in the mind of whether they are going to get hurt once more, and they become oblivious to what they are doing because they are so consumed by their confusion. These people need support until they can heal, they do not need a whole bunch of 'its your problem, you need to fix it or else im leaving you, you have hurt me', that is a disgusting response, these are good people who have been treated like s*** all their lives and they need someone to say 'look you hurt me with your words and accusations and lack of trust, but i know it is not you, and i know it is not your fault, so i will be by your side until you finally get rid of that poison in your head because i know you are an amazing person in there, thats why i love you' !!!!!!!!! Have you done this? Did it work? I think all of us would like to believe that the sheer power of our love is enough to save someone, but it isn't. Unless someone is ready and able to work on themselves then things aren't going to change. 3
Squirrel7 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 i agree with you 100%. i dont believe in giving up on love. lots of people on this website are so negative when it comes to love and relationships. it shouldnt be that way. you should keep trying and fighting for what you love until you cant anymore. 1
marklarsson Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Yes I agree people should not give up on love (true love). But its also Diwali to the williness of the other person as well and also the ways of Gounod about it is not that easy. You want to help someone but how do you make someone who no longer loves you or believes they have falling out of live with you love you again? How do you distinguish between not giving up and being the nagging ex that will not go away? How do you sit around waiting turn down every girl that comes up as you watch your ex having relationship after relationship and living her life, because you are saving yourself and fighting for her?
lavenderlove Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 This thread is great. I believe, that every breakup and divorce comes down to one simple reason, one of the people involved not truly loving the other person. There are many circumstances as to why two people part ways, but at the core lies this one painful truth, they just didn't love each other. And this is why love exists. Because it helps us overcome the pain we are causing each other. It motivates us to stick together through the hard times. It helps us learn from the other one, the way stones chip off their edges in rivers, so can two partners heal each other. If you live in a two way true love relationship, there are no limits to what you can build, and how happy you can be. 1
marklarsson Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 This thread is great. I believe, that every breakup and divorce comes down to one simple reason, one of the people involved not truly loving the other person. There are many circumstances as to why two people part ways, but at the core lies this one painful truth, they just didn't love each other. And this is why love exists. Because it helps us overcome the pain we are causing each other. It motivates us to stick together through the hard times. It helps us learn from the other one, the way stones chip off their edges in rivers, so can two partners heal each other. If you live in a two way true love relationship, there are no limits to what you can build, and how happy you can be. What if one does not believe that the other person did and does truelly love them because they begin to second guess everything? Mainly due to experience and what people say " he's lying" " he just wants you back for sex" etc... Sometimes breaking up was a mistake that needs to be rectified but too many people think we broke up so that's it.
soccerrprp Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Also sometimes mothers do have to walk away it's called tough love. In extreme situations but in this case were not talking a child were talking an adult. I have always been baffled by this "TOUGH LOVE." TRUE LOVE NEVER abandons another human being. NEVER. I have long suspected that "tough love" was created by people who had given up on "true, unconditional love" because they were tired of the commitment required to be in a wholly loving relationship. No matter what my child had done, I would always love, unconditionally. I would love to quote or look at the Christian God as an example, but it wouldn't be accurate. Scriptures clearly show a deity whose love is not UNCONDITIONAL. We, as humans are the most capable of it. By the way, unconditional love doesn't mean that you're let someone walk all over you or ignore problems. It means, among other things, you're going to be there when and if you can to be supportive in helping that person(s). To let them know that you will do what you can to inject positive, clear acts of support. True love is also knowing when to let go so that the other is or will be in a better position to better him or herself. Sometimes our presence or our relationship status proves to be an obstacle. Sorry, probably rambling, but feel so strongly about the idea of unconditional love.
marklarsson Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I have always been baffled by this "TOUGH LOVE." TRUE LOVE NEVER abandons another human being. NEVER. I have long suspected that "tough love" was created by people who had given up on "true, unconditional love" because they were tired of the commitment required to be in a wholly loving relationship. No matter what my child had done, I would always love, unconditionally. I would love to quote or look at the Christian God as an example, but it wouldn't be accurate. Scriptures clearly show a deity whose love is not UNCONDITIONAL. We, as humans are the most capable of it. By the way, unconditional love doesn't mean that you're let someone walk all over you or ignore problems. It means, among other things, you're going to be there when and if you can to be supportive in helping that person(s). To let them know that you will do what you can to inject positive, clear acts of support. True love is also knowing when to let go so that the other is or will be in a better position to better him or herself. Sometimes our presence or our relationship status proves to be an obstacle. Sorry, probably rambling, but feel so strongly about the idea of unconditional love. So part of your point is that sometimes with true love is necessary to accept that maybe you are not the right one for the person? 1
spice4life Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 (edited) And i am sorry but if you love somebody, then you do not turn around and say it is up to them to fix it, they did not cause their pain in the first place, and if you cannot help them rid themselves of their pain, then you do not deserve to be with them, regardless of the abuse or hurt you have felt from them, because all that abuse and hurt is not intentional, it is battle for them and if you cannot understand that a person who has these issues is desperately finding a way to rid themselves of this hurt, because all they want to do is be the person you love and give you all their love, then you are truly blind. If you hurt someone so much, you will take away their trust in people, and if they hurt someone because of their lack of trust, it is generally a load of questions, accusations, verbal nonsense, which yes i agree can hurt someone emotionally, but it is not a real intent to cause someone pain, for them it is a battle in the mind of whether they are going to get hurt once more, and they become oblivious to what they are doing because they are so consumed by their confusion. "These people need support until they can heal, they do not need a whole bunch of 'its your problem, you need to fix it or else im leaving you, you have hurt me', that is a disgusting response" I wouldn't say that is a disgusting response...it's more like a lack of understanding how to communicate when you're constantly blind sided by accusations and mistrust. Thanks for pointing it out though because it does make a lot sense. "these are good people who have been treated like s*** all their lives and they need someone to say 'look you hurt me with your words and accusations and lack of trust, but i know it is not you, and i know it is not your fault, so i will be by your side until you finally get rid of that poison in your head because i know you are an amazing person in there, thats why i love you' !!!!!!!!!" Thanks for taking the time to post this; it makes total sense. I think we all would appreciate someone we love caring enough to communicate with us in this way. We all have injuries that get triggered from time to time and if we are aware of what those triggers are we can communicate that to the person that loves us so they can be supportive during those times. GOOD COMMUNICATION is key. Communication in a way that the person understands your vulnerabilities and if they truly love you they will respect them and support you instead of triggering them. But what if the one you love puts up such a wall and creates circumstances that make it hard for you to show them that you are willing to support and stand by them without getting beat up (figuratively speaking) for it? In other words, you try to show them, but the walls stay up and the circumstances don't change, so you end up feeling it's hopeless to even try. You want to, but the main issue that creates such a block stays in place. Are you not allowed to expect some give on their part? Are you not allowed to ask them to please show you that they are willing to be understanding of you as well? I get what you are saying and if there is true love then this should be easy to do. I have been at a loss myself at times when it comes to properly communicating my support; it's a relief to see that maybe my approach was wrong and there is a better way convey how I feel. Afterall, I want the same in return when I am feeling vulnerable too. I am very aware of my vulnerabilities and know how to reign them in when triggered, but it would be nice to know that the one I love understands them and is supportive during those times. It would alleviate my anxiety and I would definitely want to do the same for them in return. Answers in bold. Thanks again! Edited March 12, 2013 by spice4life
marklarsson Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Answers in bold. Thanks again! See the problem about those who do not have patience is that they give them self a time scale. "If he doesn't open up in 3months ill leave" etc. but this is not the mentality to have. If you live someone you are looking to be other them for a long time and why will you not wait 4 months for a a potential 40 years of love?... Great things do not have quick fixes but when they are fixed they are so much more rewarding. 1
Bigcitydreamer Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 I'm not sure if I believe in unconditional ROMANTIC love. Everyone has a breaking point. Everyone is looking out for their best interests. When something is no lOnger perceived to be in someone's best interest- that is where the breakdown begins I do believe. I really don't know where everyone gets these notions of love from. Look all around u. How many couples do you know are meant to be? How many of them work well together and fit nicely together and that's why they are able to last? Maybe I'm just jaded as hell. I dunno but I haven't believed in true love or any of that crap for a long time.
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 I'm not sure if I believe in unconditional ROMANTIC love...... You are right to be unsure. I will go further to confirm: Unconditional Love has absolutely nothing to do with Romantic/relationship Love. Unconditional Love is applied as a quality demonstrated towards anyone, be they righteous or criminal, be they proper or paedophile. Unconditional love means you cherish the qualities of their humanity, however broken, damaged, normal, straightforward they are. No matter what they do, they merit your unconditional Love. Romantic Love is an ephemeral, ever-changing moveable feast, and cannot be considered unconditional. The OP has some idealised notions of how a relationship should work - but unless both people are on the same page, 100% and totally commit to their 50% in 100% of the ways available - then the relationship is imbalanced and Conditional, damn right it is. No relationship we invest in on normal grounds, is unconditional.... We expect a specific level of behaviour from every and any one we interact with. We want our kids to behave in a specific way. We would like our parents to view us in a specific light. we want our spouses to uphold us as important, and to make us their priority, We want our friends to be loyal, faithful, and to back us up, come rain come shine. And they all expect things from us, in similar vein.... These relationships are all conditional. An Unconditional love does not look at the identity, at the labels attached to another being. Whether they are relative, friend, lover, husband, parent, child, acquaintance, neighbour, stranger, criminal, mentally insane. They deserve our unconditional love for simply being a human being. THAT - Is what Unconditional Love is. Fellowship and connection, without any evaluation or judgement whatsoever.
todreaminblue Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 all this should be within reason and i dont think cheating or infedelity over one mistake maybe.... or abuse is love......that isnt broken....that is no true love and you cant fix that...i tried believe me.....and i am still friends with both of the exes i have....because i do believe in love..its just a different love i have for them no w...adn i am glad of that............not sharing my physical body with them though...i deserve better than that...i feel i do...i wan tsoemoen who loves me back just as much as i love them ...deb
Bigcitydreamer Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Interesting points TaraMaiden. You have given me something to ponder over my morning coffee I really think society gives people a false sense of what love is. I really noticed this when I tried to find just one of my friends that I consider to be with their "soulmate" and I could not find a single one. Even going beyond that and looking at married couples.. I have yet to see a perfect relationship. Actually that's a lie I've seen 1 so far and that's not very many considering all of the relationships I've looked at. Another reason I do not believe in it either is because as you said people have expectations that need to be met. Some have very few expectations. But if those few expectations are not met then the person leaves. For example loyalty is an expectation most have and if someone cheats or repeatedly cheats then most people will leave. So therefor that is not unconditional love.
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