Needed ,

[Bubsta]

Hi all,this is my first post here and I'm looking for a bit of sound advice.

 

Try to keep it short and to the point as much as I can.

 

Bit of background info ,I was with a partner for 23 years and have two great sons who I adore ( 13yrs & 9yrs old ),we had our problems but I always stayed around for the sake of the children whilst their mother was out drinking and having affairs (all came to light after she left but I had my suspicions and dealt with them the best I could at the time ).The last 3 years of that relationship the 2 kids and I bonded incredibly close as I was the only one they could constantly rely on to be there!!.

 

 

 

Anyway previous x left me in Aug 2011,I was quite hurt and alone but dealt with it (so I thought ).We both agreed on 50/50 access and time with the kids and its worked out OK

 

4 weeks after the relationship ended, I was totally swept of my feet by the most incredible woman I could ever imagined to meet ( no I was not vunerable and have never classed it as a rebound relationship to get over the previous one ).We dated for 11 months and were married Aug 2012.

she moved into my home and made it her own and everything was great when the kids were here first of all but then things changed slightly when she kept mentioning that I build up an emotional sheild when they are due to arrive on my week and that I'm a different man whilst their are here for their week with me. She doesnt have any children alough would love one of her own and we were due to start at some stage although both our clocks are ticking fast 45 yrs &43 yrs

 

I agreed at first and did say that I would try and address my change in attitude etc, ( I never really noticed a change in my attitude) but they do take up a lot of my time and I'm reponsible for them and as a man I do get a bit stressed with the added responsibilty....

 

A few arguments arose over the next few months ,ie my pearenting skills and how I disiplined the kids etc on a daily basis to when I got to the point where I did say please they are my children and keep your nose out and just let me get on with it as youve never had kids STOP lecturing me!! ( I regretted saying it as soon as the words left my mouth )..

 

Things gradually have got worse and worse, and after each argument she would say ' If you dont change and start thinking about me more when the children are here I'm moving out as I just feel like you living your life for your kids and I feel like a lodger here all the time as its you 3 and me' This initially got me thinking more about her and promising to more attentive to her needs and involving her more in my time with the boys,this worked for a bit then I would get all defencive and slip back to my normal self plus I thought she was bluffing as my ex had threated me with moving out numerous times and all I used to say was you knw where the door is,dont slam it when you go..

 

Now thats what leads me on to this forum ,last weekend my bride of 6 months packed up all her belongings and shipped out ,I did not try and stop her but did tell her I loved her more than anything in the world and Im trying to change into a more caring person for her,she was very upset and very very cold I helped her move all her gear into the trucks and had a long speech in my head I was going to tell her when she came back for the last load but she never came back for the last load and sent her friend back instead !! the friend said that my wife was in bits and just could not face coming back to the house.. ( Jesus )

 

Now I seriously crapping it ,Ive text her 3 time to see if shes OK and to get a forwarding address but shes replied but all very short and still no actual address to where she has moved to ( just near a massive supermarket 3 miles away ) and she cant really talk but will call me in a couple of days ( that was supposed to be 2 days ago but call never came ) .She did text me the friday before she went saying she loves me and wants the marrage to be saved and the only way she can do that is by leaving and us working on it day by day or week by week till we get it sorted,but cant live with me the way Ive become as Ive changed from the man she met 18 months ago??

 

Now what do I do???? ,I want to declare my love for her and promise that this week apart, has made me see the ight of how much Ive done wrong to make her feel like she does,

 

Do I give her space until she can think more clearly? Ive read up on NC but whilst considering it ,dont think I need it yet ?? or maybe I do ?

Do I visit her place of work ( she owns a florist ) and say can we talk?

 

Im in such a state and miss having her in my life,Im at my wits end ,Its all the not knowings and not having been told the final goodbye ,she just WENT !!!!

 

Any constuctive suggestions please

Thanks

[Bubsta]

Can anyone please give me an idea of what my next move should be ? dont want to come across to needy with her but still feel she needs to hear my side of things

[Bigcitydreamer]

Hello, sorry to hear that you are going through this. I myself don't have any kids nor have I dated anyone with kids (I'm 25) so its hard for me to give you good advice. This site does maintain that as a dumpee you should always go NC but I'm not so sure in this case because she seems to have felt that the reason she left is because you were distant when it came time for your kids to stay with you. Maybe you could write her a letter and send it to her stating your side of things and ask for one more chance and then go NC. I could be completely wrong though so hopefully others will answer your question better.

 

In what ways did she say you changed when your kids came over? I find it questionable that she would leave you over something like this though. When people really love eachother they look for that one reason to stay and try an try to make things work. It seems to me like maybe she wasn't understanding enough on her side because you do have a commitment to your children first and foremost. Maybe if you do write a letter you could state the ways in which you plan to change and how you will go about it rather than just saying you will change. I can see her side too depending on how you handled her concerns.

 

Very sorry that you are going through this it just be very tough for you. I hope someone can give you a bit better advice than I can. But I am concerned that she would up and leave after only 6 months of marriage and it being due to how "different" you were around the kids.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Just thought I should add that I wish marriage was still considered a sacred bond between 2 people that cannot be broken only in extreme circumstances. Makes me worry that when I get married that there are still no guarantees that your partner will stick around through the hard times. If you were willing to acknowledge and work on those issues she was having she should have tried harder to deal with this conflict instead of running out the door.

[Bubsta]

Thanks for your reply BCD, I do think marriage is sacred and she does too ( well at least I thought she did ? ) its why I married her to accept the rough with the smooth but really didnt expect to be in the situation I find myself in now after just 6 months.

 

In the way I change when the kids are around doesnt seem a issue to me but she seems to feel its all about them and she feels left out constantly plus they can be very opinionated and what I as parent let go over my head ,she constantly reprimands me for the way they speak to me and I them the way they speak to her ( although not rude they just say it as kids see it which Im used to but shes never experienced it ) and I tense up constantly waiting for the next episode of smoothing over a row.

 

I thought about sending her a e mail as she hasnt the decency to tell me her new address for a hand written letter ( which I do find a bit weird as I feel a bit stalkerish asking for it twice already) but although I want to go to her place of work and talk to her face to face as this week has been hell on earth for me emotionally and physically draining ,something in my gut tells me to wait till she contacts me but my head is telling me to do it!! if that makes sense ?

Thanks for your input

[Bigcitydreamer]

She sounds a bit jealous of the kids.. I don't want to make assumptions but that's what it does sound like. But when people who truly want to be together have a problem they discuss it and try and resolve it together. 6 months is not enough time to solve an issue such as this in my opinion.

 

I'll give you an example because I'm not the best with words. Me and my bf split recently and it absolutely devastated me! I seriously thought he was the one that I would spend the rest of my life with. He gave me reasons as to why we broke up that to me seemed like bs.

 

My best friend recently left her bf also because he was nasty to her an never took her opinion into account, expected her to do all the house work and be the only one responsible for their child. Now when she left him she pretty much had no choice because it was quite a bad situation. BUT he would not stand by and lose her! He recognized what he was doing wrong after about a month of being broke up and apologized and promised to make changes. The way her bf treated her was SO much worse then the problems me and my bf had. But she desperately wanted them to be together so she trusted him and went back. Now he is like a different person and treats her with respect finally! It's actually a miracle the changes he has made. Both of them want to be together. They've had many many problems but they both looked for that one reason to make it work. My bf left me for bs reasons that weren't even that bad. Instead of telling me he wasn't in love anymore he blamed everything on me. He doesn't want it to work because he was finding reasons to let me go whereas my friend and her bf were finding reasons to get back together.

 

It's a tough call because I don't know you or your whole story but I'm willing to be that she might not be the person you thought she was. To leave you based solely on one problem seems a bit sketchy to me. But you won't know until time passes you by how she really feels. If you have already tried contacting her and she won't have it, then I'd personally back off and do the whole NC thing for a while. Even just to make yourself into a better healthier happier person.

 

A marriage is a bit different then a normal relationship because you guys did make that commitment. You said she is open to trying to work things out or not? If she wants to work on things (which isn't too clear from your posts) then if you love her then by all means try. But if she isn't trying her hardest to make things better then what can you do besides move on? If you dumped someone would a letter win you back? Or talking win you back?