Break or Break-up? And is there a difference?

[damnedifido]

Hi all. Me again.

 

After months of trying to make things work I had "the chat" with my GF (of 10+ yrs). (See previous post).

 

She has been very reluctant to face the reality of our broken relationship and is unwilling to consider our imminent separation - she is moving out - as a break-up, instead wanting to think of it as a "trial" separation/"break".

 

I've made it clear that when we separate we are both considered single (and can act accordingly), but I question how much she really believes this for herself. I'm pretty sure she is banking on it being too painful (on both sides) for us to be apart and, therefore, will simply spend post-break hoping for a reconciliation, rather than trying to build a new, single life.

 

Is it fair for me to allow this thinking to persist? I have no idea what the future will bring, nor how hard it will be (from a companionship perspective) to be apart - though I'm certain it will be tough. But, I am certainly not assuming we will get back together. I have to build a new future assuming not.

 

For me, break vs break-up is mostly semantics and, if things stayed as they are, I will always be happier broken up than together. But, I can't know this for sure until we are broken up.

 

I know it softens the blow to call it a "break"/trial separation, but it is only trial in the sense that we don't/can't know whether we will find it even harder being apart than we/I currently do being together.

 

Thoughts people?

[KoKo0]

There is no such thing as a break, it is basically .. "Well I am going to mess around, and then we can get back together". Do you really want this? You think this will make things better, it will probably make things worse.

 

If you can't work on it being together, then you certainly won't being apart.

If things aren't getting better and you say you'd rather be single than in this kind of relationship, then be single. If you're not happy, do something for yourself.

 

Good luck.

[Cogee]

Only time I'd ever consider a break not a breakup is if it was for medical reasons or something, like a dying family member. I'd understand saying "look I need to take care of my family and I want to free you from this relationship but when I deal with it and if you are still free I would welcome you back into my life. Just know that I can't deal with a relationship at this time and you deserve better."

 

But other than that break = breakup.

[Compromize]

I think a break is a break-up with training wheels. Makes it easier to start living apart for the one who initiates the break and still leaves the break-ee(?) cooling their heels and waiting for the other to come to their senses. It's a pathetic cop-out and should be treated as such. You are either in a relationship or you are not and relationships take work by both parties.

 

I have used the analogy before of what happens when you take a break from cleaning your bathroom? Does it magically and mysteriously become clean at a miraculous point in time? Not hardly. It gets dirtier and becomes more of a pain in the a$$. Having gone through a break and gotten back together (with me doing all the work, read: not the one that wanted the break) it's blissful for the honeymoon phase that naturally comes when you get the someone you want but the old issues that caused the break boil and fester to the surface yet again. Hence why I am here, trying to stay NC to a woman that cannot/will not commit to a real relationship.

 

Keep strong brother. If she doesn't want to stay in it, to hell with her. The right woman won't want a break unless it's between rounds in the bedroom.