need

[myspirit153]

My now ex boyfriend and I dated for 3 years and the following just happened:

My now ex boyfriend created a fight over seat numbers at a concert in early February. When we got to the show I asked the cab driver, "Where will there be taxies after the show?" (Since I had never been to this venue)..my boyfriend NEVER spoke to me this way and said, "That is such a STUPID question, you didn't just ask that did you?" After the show, he went on and on about how he doesn't know after 3 years if we are "compatible" and how I need to make more decisions, how I see the world as a good place and how it is really not. I told him, that after 3 years there is something he is upset about and we should talk about it. He went on saying, how he doesn't know when he moves for his residency (he is a medical student in his last year) if I could handle being in a big city and how he would have to "worry" about me. He went on saying, how I need to make decisions about my career (I have a job and multiple career opportunities and when we were going to move together i'd make sure I had a job first before moving). I don't know where he was pulling all this crazy things out of his head. Needless to say, that was the first real fight we had. He made us check out of the hotel I had arranged for his birthday and agreed to talk in the car. We get to his apartment at 4am and he wouldn't even sleep in the same bed as me. He put the fan on in his room and went out to sleep the coach. He said he was "upset." I went to sleep and kept thinking in my head, "what did I do?" The next morning, he said good morning and I asked him if we could talk and I said to him, "Whatever is bothering you, I am more than willing to listen and help in anyway I can. You mentioned me never being prepared, can you give me examples? He didn't think of any. I also mentioned how I was planning on taking him to his favorite deli in NYC that morning. I also mentioned if there is anything we can talk about, i'd be more than happy too. So I left and I kissed him goodbye. He gave me the half kiss. I could tell he was pissed... but I couldn't put my finger on it. The same night I called him since a snow storm was coming and he lives closer to my work. I asked him if I could spend the night since I had a big presentation in the morning, he signed on the phone and said "You know I would anytime but I just need some time alone right now...and said what I said yesterday I ment it." So, I respected his wishes and didn't bother him. I get a text the next day asking me what I am doing, I was shopping but said I was free in a few hours. I went over to his apartment and he had food for me, asked me if I wanted a drink, asked me about my day and told me about his. I asked him, "What happened last night?" Than he said he was a total ******* and it was nothing I did wrong. He begins to cry and say, "I don't know if we are right for each other.. I love you but I don't know if I am in love with you." He than says, "What if we move in together and it doesn't work out?" I said to him, life is full of "What ifs? but I am willing to try." I than begin to cry and ask, "How long have you felt this way?" and he said "Since November" Well, it is now February and I said.. "We just had a wonderful time together on the Superbowl" and he said "Yes that was one of our better days.." and i said, "Relationships have ups and downs" and he said, "Yes but when I don't match in my residency... I need to be alone. You think the world is a good place and the man you fell in love with is not me anymore..i'm more cynical. I don't know if I want to get married or have any kids." I said, I am not going to beg you to love me but I hope you find it in your heart yourself again. He was the one who pursued me about kids and talking long term (moving in together..his hours will be crazy his first year of residency). Just two weeks prior to this conversation, he sat me down and asked me if I'd be willing to live in these following cities. He keeps crying and I told him I felt like I was losing my best friend and he said I am his best friend. He gets to the point of crying so hard he felt like throwing up and tells me, "you should go because it is snowing and if I call you would you promise to pick up?" I said yes and he said please let me know when you get home. I run outside and my whole idea of him is totally off. I run into his neighbor and his roommate and mention he broke up with me and how he doesn't know if he is in love with me and how he isn't sure if we are good for "long term." They obviously don't want to talk about it but are concerned with my state to be driving. I agree to come inside and calm down. One of his friends whom he is a medical student with, says, "I bet this is all over the Match w/ his residencies." I decided to leave and the roads are bad and I come back. My ex's room mate invites me in and says, "I'm sure you can stay here." I saw my now ex boyfriend, staring at a wall. I ask him if I could please stay over and I won't talk about the relationship and how after 3 years, I still think he is a great guy. He says, "Do you have any friends you could call?" You are not the only one who is upset. I need to be alone. Please call me when you get home." So, I left called some friends that were NOT around and I tried driving. Everything was fine until I hit black ice and got into a car accident. I let my ex know I'm okay but I got into a accident, he calls me all panicking and says, "I should of let you stay here.. I am so sorry. Asks me if anyone is helping me, etc." He texted me to see when I got home and needless to say the next day was one of the worst days of my life. A man, who I loved for 3 years and out of nowhere drops a bomb in the relationship. He never talked to me about having any doubts, if anything he was saying how excited he was about me being there the day he finds out if he gets a residency spot (they open a envelope in March altogether across the United States). I didn't contact him and I hear from him two days later. He apologizes to me sincerely, my parents (he wanted to know if I had told them and I didn't go into details with them), the entire situation. He than proceeds into the fact how it could of been worse and how he couldn't image that. He than begins to say, "Everything I said a 2 days ago, didnt come out right what I ment to say is," I need time to figure out if I would love another specialty in medicine, I need some time to figure out us, me. I have no other motive behind this but I just need some space and time to think. He than mentions how he has only gotten this far in his career because of me. He mentions how I know he doesn't do well under pressure (he has panic attacks and takes medicine when under stressful situations but I know he has NOT been taking his medication). I accept his apology and mention it was not his fault. I tell him, I respect his space but I'm not waiting around forever. I also mention, it is not my goal in life to get married and to have kids. It is only if I meet the right person. I also said, if it is ment to be.. it will be. He said, it is not like he is never going to talk to me again or see me again and will be in touch. He mentions that he knows I don't believe in breaks but he needs time to think and if I need anything, please to call him. Needless to say, 10 days go by....and I start thinking, "Did he say break or breakup? A break?" A break for how long? how much space? My mind started to do flip flops. I was kinda on a string but I was allowing myself on his terms. I called him up and asked him if we could meet in a few days because I needed clarity on the break. He offers to meet me the same day and sounds in good spirits. I wasn't free so we decide on a day. He told me to contact him on the day of meeting and where we were going to meet. He contacted me the day we were planning on meeting and suggested a place since I had mentioned coffee or dinner. So, I meet him and he offers to buy me my drink/dinner and we are laughing like we always do together. We talk about how he is doing martial arts and he was asking about my family, work, etc. Than I mention to him, I feel like he has been running a marathon for the last 3 years and I am somewhere at the sidelines and I want to be at the finish line. He than says, "Yeah, I need some time to see if I miss you because during this breakup...I need to figure out some things." I said, "Breakup?I thought u said it was a break?" He said, "Well I don't want to give you false hope and I don't know if we will get back together.. like you had said before, "if its ment to be it will be." He than mentions how the next stage would be a huge commitment. I thank him for the clarity and told him the space will be good for me as well. He mentioned he knows this is the worst way to do this and how he knows I will not be around forever, but it is the only way he sees to get his answers. He than mentions, he wants to see if he misses me like he did when he was away for a month in October. He mentioned how we talked when he away for that month in October. I did not cry and he did not either. I tried to change the subject and mentioned that I would like to speak after the Match (The residency placement in March) about some questions I have. He offered to answer them now but I did not feel going into detail about how we could of done a long distance relationship for the first year, how I didn't have to live with him for the first year, etc. He agreed to talk and gave me a hug goodbye. That was 10 days ago as of day, I have no contacted him. I needed clarity and I got the fact that he broke up with me but also mentioned he didn't tell his parents, he told them we are just not talking?

 

I than heard from his via text asking to meet out of the blue and how he liked a simple picture I had sent him via text 3 days prior and he mentioned I can pick the place and where would I like to go. So, we met out at a restaurant. He asked me to come as a "friend" and is unsure about us and how he is not 100% but may be wrong? He asked me to go to his Match in March (next week) and Graduation (May) but understood if I was unable to come and if I need time to decide if I am coming. I said yes, I will come as a friend. He mentioned how we didn't talk about the "relationship." and I held back what I really wanted to say because his future is uncertain because of this Match. However, I mentioned a long distance relationship and he said, "After 3 years don't you think you deserve it?" I said, well you made all the decisions without "me". We talked and laughed about other things. He had tears brought to his eyes about his parents loving me and my parents loving him, etc. I told him he hurt me and he started to cry and said "that was never my attention and I would do anything and everything for you." We both got emotional and I asked if we could talk more at his apartment. I went to his apartment and he was complimenting me on my "tights" than the next thing I know we are having sex? He stopped before and said, "are you sure this is ok?" and afterwards he said, "That shouldn't of happened. How do you feel?" I said, "I wouldn't of done it, if I wasn't okay." I hugged him goodbye and he mentioned probably seeing me out on Saturday. Ah, my head is spinning w/ this craziness! Can a guy have a breakdown like this or am I totally blind? I am waiting till after the match to talk to him about how there are two people in a relationship and what my needs are. I know he mentioned again, how he would do anything for me, etc.

 

Just some background on the MATCH for Residencies, he is planning on going into the most competitive and you need a certain amount of interviews to be a percentage to "Match." His percentage is about 60% and if he doesn't MATCH, he than has to go into a speciality that he doesn't know if he will love or not. He may delay his graduation, do a "year" in another specialty, go back in the MATCH the following year and try to "re-match." So in theory, he could do a year and it won't even count. In March, (March15) this is a day of stress for medical students across the United States.

 

I am sorry this is so long, I just need someone to tell me how to get my soul mate back.

 

PS. He was the one that asked me about living with him and brought up marriage, etc.