NC Day 1. Committed to sticking through

[Lost Fish]

3+ year long relationship which started as an innocent friendship done.

 

This past summer she started getting weird and distant, culminating in her CHEATING on me with her d-bag ex in October. It really messed me up and changed me as a person.

 

I fought tooth and nail for what I believed in with her through December and in the process completely lost myself and my power and all semblence of who I am. I am not lying when I say that my life fell apart as I made every mistake in the book trying to salvage something with her.

 

I went NC completely back on December 27.

 

She then had the audacity to email me on Valentine's Day to send a short message wishing me "love and light." I then bit her head off and told her it was completely selfish of her to contact me on Valentine's Day and disrupt my healing. She then revealed to me that her life has sort of fallen apart and she isn't even with anyone.

 

I was stupid and began limited contact with her - mainly through email and IM. I don't think I could handle seeing her face.

 

Anyway - all that I have learned through this contact is just how absolutely f#%ked up she still is.

 

After an intense exchange yesterday I woke up today and suddenly felt like myself again. I realized how much BS I have been dealing with, and I'm just tired of it all.

 

I just wrote her a final email and stood up for myself for once and called her on all her dysfunction and disgustingly selfish behavior. She needs to know that the way she has behaved and is behaving is not acceptable. And that I deserve far better.

 

I honestly don't even care if she answers me.

 

I think that it was actually helpful that she reached out to me in Feb to reveal and validate to me just how screwy she is. I truly never did anything wrong - except try to save a broken relationship - which only ended up hurting myself.

 

I am now committing myself to complete NC and hope and pray I can finally find some semblance of happiness in life again.

 

I am posting here as a motivator and I am sure I may be back if and when things get hard.

 

Already got a good workout in this morning and am feeling pretty good for once in many months. I am grateful for that.

 

Let's do this. I'm worth it.

[Logan oO]

I'm new to this site, but the concept is great, and the support i've read from members to eachother is almost 'family' like.

 

You might be feeling better, because she has admitted she is having a ****ty time, and you've realized you are actually healing and happier on your own. Fortunately i've never been cheated on. (as far as i know of course)

I'll say NO one deserves that, and ANYONE who ever does that to you is TRASH, regardless of any excuse / reason they use to hide the fact that they are the lowest forms of scum in existence.

Finding that perfect partner is hard enough without the ultimate betrayal happening inside of one.

I have realized that the older we get the more Issues and Baggage we are likely to come across.

 

The relationship i got dumped from a month ago was -

 

- She was Super Controlling - Asking who i was talking to all the time.

- Was not allowed to associate with ANY women (friends or not)

- I moved 150 Miles to live with her originally

- She suffers from Depression and does not take the medication prescribed to her for it.

- She was raped on two different Occasions when she was 16, now she is (mid 20's)

- Everything i did, that she did not like, i stopped doing and did my best to make her happy.

- Sexually i'd go down on her and would get the same back probably four times throughout the relationship.

All she did was TAKE. So i ask myself.....why am i still in love with this person....why do i still care....

 

Anyways, thats the basis of my story...i think she hates men.

 

Back to yours.

 

You have an option you could go BACK, but do you really want to risk her going with someone else again when she gets bored?

[Lost Fish]

Welcome to LS Logan!

 

There truly is a lot of compassion and empathy in these boards. I am glad you found us - feel free to post your story in a new thread for help, compassion, and insight.

 

Wow, sounds like you were really dealing with some damaged goods, and sacrificed yourself to try and make things work - never a recipe for success brother.

 

I do feel for your ex... I'm guessing that there may be underlying abuse in her life beyond the rapes at 16 (how horrific). I hope she finds her way. But it doesn't excuse her behavior or how she treated you.

 

As for me, there isn't even really an option to go back. Nor can I let that kind of thinking even exist in my mind right now as it will only hold me back. She is so toxic right now and was just reaching out for attention, I'm afraid. Bleh.

 

She has been single for 2+ months now, and I think it is really messing with her. She was one of those girls who has been in perpetual relationships since she was 14. I honestly don't think she has any idea who she is or what she wants in life. So... she has some growing to do.

 

And so do I.

 

Thanks for the reply!

[Logan oO]

Well the one thing i never do is 'tar' all women with the same brush, as i have dated and i also have a belief that there are genuinely good people out there for everyone!

Not taking her medication was something i fought against and encouraged her to do so, but she would take one, maybe two tablets consecutively but then stop....

You can only try so much...some people are beyond help, because in their eyes, the world is toxic and they are the only GOOD thing in existence .....

 

I know the feeling, i'm on a bit of a feel good moment right now as this is the first time since she broke up with me that i have made it through over 24 hours with No Contact! I am listening to some Anime Soundtracks that are feel good.

 

Back to you, being in a cycle of relationships since 14, must make her think that being single is Wrong.

I know that once you get used to being alone and doing things alone again you find a happy point. From there you can truly be ready to start looking again

 

I have no idea how you do it man, it'd be so awfully tempting to go back if i had the choice, even though it would be only a matter of time before the cycle repeats itself.

(We've broken up like 4 times before but not like this).

 

Nobody Knows what they want, some people have some 'perfect partner' complex which prevents them meeting anybody, due to some out of this world ideals in a prospective partner.

 

Well Lost Fish - You keep going the way you are man

If you can wake up and have the motivation to work out like you did, you are certainly going in the right direction. Like you said, this site is filled with people supporting one another

 

I'll post my story tommorow

[Lost Fish]

Having a hard time today and need to write some things out.

 

I think one of the main issues holding back my healing right now is that the main reason I lost her is because of her unhealthy attachment to her ex. This guy has so many strikes against him - he literally took her for granted for years and years until finally she broke it off with him... but unfortunately he was still in her life because they worked together and he is best friends with her brother. It all sucks for me and I should have noted these huge red flags and boundary issues before I let myself fall to her.

 

I think that because I know that he is wrong for her and will continually make her feel bad with their unhealthy dysfunction and the fact that what she and I could have had would have been so much better - that it is holding me back. I keep wanting to shake her and scream WHY AREN'T I GOOD ENOUGH?! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO SHOW YOU?! But all she can tell me is that "It's in my heart, and it's my choice. I just can't give you what you want from me and I wish you'd understand. Nothing I say is good enough for you..."

 

It just sucks accepting that she is quite literally choosing unhappiness over what could have been with me. And I know this shows me just how f-ed up she is and how much dysfunction exists in her... but it doesn't make it any easier for me.

 

Man.. even posting this helps sort of show me how dumb it is that I'm hurting this much over someone who is so messed up. So I guess that's a good thing... I need to be kinder to myself and recognize that it's ok to be in pain right now.

 

I just need to let her go. Let her go.. let her go..

[Lost Fish]

And another thing about her ex - the guy is completely sterile. And she always used to talk about wanting kids... I can't believe she is choosing that over me.

 

How ****ed up is that?!

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi,

 

it's really late here in Europe, so I'm afraid I can't be long, but I saw your posts and just saw all the hurt/anguish/angers/sadness/... inside you and I just wanted to write something to offer my support. Everything written is my opinion, perhaps a bit too cynical:)

 

I've been through a similar situation as you are now and I can really, really relate to the feelings you've been going through. I'm glad you've found this site so early, because I think it will greatly help your healing process.

 

I've read your posts and I'm sad&angry at what I've read. I'm really sorry you went through this, but I hope and think you will come out stronger, smarter (in the sense of protecting yourself, detecting red flags, etc.) and in the end happier.

 

Your relationship, insofar as you've described it, reminds me of mine. And if it's like that...-> I've realized that being with her was like being on drugs -> there were a lot of moments/periods that felt great, but it was (especially after she told me she had cheated on me etc.) mostly so f---ing hard and it messed me up. And after the break-up there's a detox process, which is hard, but at the end you're better.

 

What really helped me,, and what I hope will help you, is the fact that at one point I realized that no matter how I'll try (and how I've tried), I wouldn't never ever be able to trust her again completely, that there would never again be a feeling that what we had was special, just for the two of us, us against the problems of the world. And I realized I don't and can't spend "the rest of my life" with someone like that.

 

Also, judging from what you've written about her, she really has a lot of issues she will have to deal before she will be able to be in normal relationship. Maybe even 4, 5 years. And in that the she will most likely hurt any guy she will be with, not because she'd be evil, but because she's not ready, and who knows when/if she'll be. But if you had stuck around, at some point in the future you'd perhaps/probably be completely destroyed as a person (even more than you are now), regardless of what would happen with her, even if she came out feeling great, with her issues resolved. She would keep taking and taking your help, your kindness, your goodness, your help (all of which is evident from your posts),..., and in return you'd have some happy moments, tainted by doubts and angers, and a whole lot of bad moments.

 

And it's not worth it for someone who treated you like she did and who has hurt you so much.

 

Remember, "it's better to have loved and lost than to have married a crazy person":).

 

Again, I'd like to point out that I'm speaking from my experience, and perhaps someone had a better experience.

 

I hope the ramblings of a sleepy European have helped at least a little bit.

 

Oh, one more thing -> at some point I started asking myself why did I stay so long, why did I let myself suffer so much trying to help her, and I used this bad situation to learn more about myself, my defense mechanisms, etc. As tough as it is/was, it has helped. So I'd recommend you take some books (my favourite books were "Families and how to survive them" by Skynner and "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward (I discovered that I behaved in my relationship a lot like I saw my parents, in a bad way)), talk to as many people, perhaps support groups etc.

 

And lastly -> whatever you want to tell her, write it here (there's a section on this forum where you can write what you want to write the other person) or write it down on paper (everyday) and burn it. Scream when you want to scream, shout, curse etc. Let the bad she has left you with out of your body and mind!

 

Ok, enough for tonight, if you want to talk some more about how you feel, what i did to get better, I'd be glad to help.

 

But above all, don't contact her!! You deserve to be happy!

 

P.S.: Yes, it's really f---ed up, and I'm glad you're out of it!

[Lost Fish]

Calvin's Wagon,

 

I really appreciate everything you said and to be honest, you nailed it all on the head. We did used to fight about the boundary issues with her ex - it killed me to see how much power she let this loser have over her. I didn't even reveal this, but at one point they were engaged - and she found out that the only reason he proposed to her was because his family forced him to. Then he didn't want anything to do with the wedding preparations and finally she broke it off... ugh.

 

It's so weird because my brain is so far ahead of my heart. Like I know and want to let her go completely - but my heart is in agony and keeps my mind spinning in moments of weakness. But I am utterly committed to moving through this and finding myself again. And your reply really helps - I appreciate every word you said my European friend.

 

Your brother in moving forward and living for ourselves from the USA...

[Lost Fish]

So, I randomly asked this girl I used to perform with if she'd like to meet up sometime. She is very similar to me (I'm a singer, she's a dancer - we met in a professional gig we did together a few years ago) and I know she endured a break a few months ago similar to me.

 

Surprisingly very she quickly said yes! So... that's going to happen now. I have very little expectations but it has really given the old ego a boost and I am feeling a lot like my old self again.

 

Plus I've been really getting in shape and I'm looking pretty awesome - the shoulders and six pack are back baby.. lol..

 

Just wanted to post in this thread... I know that I had progressed a lot in those 2 months of no contact - and even though there was the hiccup on valentines day with the ex, I'm getting better and better every day. It's definitely a process and LoveShack has been a great resource.

 

Onward and upward...

[Calvin's wagon]

Hey,

 

that's great to hear! Keep us apprised of new developments:)

 

How are you feeling today? I understand your disconnect between your heart and head - it will take some time (and new experience) to make the heart forget. But you're doing great, from where I'm sitting! Btw, the more you write about her and her ex, the more I'm glad you're out of it!

 

It's awesome that you're meeting someone else and in a way, it's good that you're both going through, if i understand correctly, the "rebound" phase:)! Btw, does she know about your break-up?

 

I know after the break-up with my ex, it was easier for me to hang out with girls from the same faculty that knew of my break-up, because then I knew they'd be aware of how f---ed up I still was and that I really wasn't normal relationship material at the time:) And I didn't want to leave any broken hearts during my break-up/rebound phase, because I didn't want to do to others what she did to me. But fwb situations or mutual rebounds, that's great:D

 

Looking forward to hearing more!

[destroyed4sho]

And another thing about her ex - the guy is completely sterile. And she always used to talk about wanting kids... I can't believe she is choosing that over me.

 

How ****ed up is that?!

 

He maybe the rebound guy