Is it love or just chemicals talking?

[sstri005]

Howdy,

Not sure I can get an unbiased answer from anybody I know, so I am turning to strangers on the internet. Don't let me down.

 

My girlfriend and I recently broke up after 2 years being together. I believe it was something that had been coming for a long time, but never did until a month ago. Despite the fact that I always had my doubts while we were together, and even felt more or less okay the 2 weeks we still stayed together after the break up, this past month since she's moved out has been more difficult than ever. Which is confusing for more than one reason. Now I can't stop thinking about her, and even worse, stop talking to her. I know whether I must let go, or win her back, the best way is to just lose contact for a while. But I have proven to be weak over and over lately and find myself calling, emailing, or seeing her.

 

This is not my first break-up and normally in the past I handle them quite well. It is usually me that moves on faster, and remains (or appears to remain) strong through the 'moving on' phase. This time, however, it is her.

 

We started just as being friends that kept each other company. She was on the tail end of a long term relationship that for the past 2 years her boyfriend declared to be 'open'. She was not the type of girl to do this before I think, but she was always out of country working and I believe she had no choice other than to move on or accept that he sleeps around while she is away. This was a difficult concept for me to accept in the beginning, but in time, I was convinced to each their own, and if she is okay with it then so be it. After a few months into this 'being friends' relationship, her boyfriend did finally break the relationship off all together in order to pursue a relationship with another girl he had been sleeping with. I don't know all the details, I just know my x really loved this guy and was quite heart broken about it. I was there the night she read the email. I was secretly falling in love with her at this time as well. However, I knew she didn't want a relationship, so I never pushed the issue.

 

After 6 months though, I wanted something more exclusive, don't ask me why. But I gave her an ultimatum to either take what we have official or just to end it as I was confused about everything. For the entire 6 months, we had not only been sleeping together but spending time together nearly everyday doing things like the beach, going to parties, or just nice afternoons in the parc. We were more than just friends and a part of me wanted her to recognize that. So she agreed, reluctantly.

 

As time went on, we got closer, and after about a year, we officially moved in together. During this time, my love for her was always waning. There was always a part of me that was scared that she didn't feel for me the way I felt for her. It is very well believable as she never promised me a love story to begin with. But in this, I had a few moments of acting out (while drunk) and just unpredictable behavior. Meaning, sometimes I was very sweet and affectionate, others, I made her feel less important. This latter issue is something she didn't reveal to me until a week ago during an open talk we had.

 

Last October, I took a break from work and decided to take a break from life in general just to set myself straight. So I planned a two month trip to India and Nepal. In India I meditated for 10 days, and in Nepal I trekked for 3 weeks, plus all the time in-between of just being a tourist really gave me a lot of time to think about my life and put things in perspective. I came back with the idea of getting my life on the right track and doing some good with it. I also realized how much I loved my girlfriend despite our difficulties and differences.

 

The first few weeks that I came back were great. I was clear headed, and my girlfriend and I were happy. It seems the time apart brought us closer together. Unfortunately, it was not long before my old friends managed to drag me back out and I went back to my old self. Given I am not an alcoholic or druggie of any sort, but in comparison to my girlfriend who may go out once a month, I may seem so. So, after we have one argument, she goes out on her own, and I later do the same thing. A few days later, I try to make things right with candles, wine, and a bathrobe. That's when she tells me she's moving out.

 

She's stays for another couple of weeks in the apartment, and then moves out. Since then we have been talking, almost on a daily basis. I tell myself, I must get over her and move one. Thinking of all the things I disliked about her, but the fact is, although we differ in so many ways, she seems to balance me, and now I am imagining things with her in the future. I hate to say it, but I think we make a great team.

 

Since, we've been hanging out, we have been talking a lot. We were always open, but now she admitted that while I was gone to India, she did get drunk one night and kiss a guy. Apparently she was just over-stressed about work, school, and me leaving her alone with the dog and apartment alone. Of course, I was/am even more heartbroken over that, but after a few days of torturing myself with the image I am willing to forgive her. There are worse things that could've happened and we weren't in the best place when I left for India. What hurts even more though was how well she seemed to be taking everything, I did see her a bit upset the first week or so, but for the most part seemed strong. When asked if she found somebody else, she swore that is not her intention, but she does have a friend she already discussed seeing from time to time if need be. I do believe her on this and once again, bad visuals, and damn my imagination.

 

As I said, we are still talking now despite my intentions not to. However, just spending time with her makes my day better, be it 20 minutes or 4 hours. I don't know if she loves me or if she ever really did. In comparison to her previous ex, I don't think so, BESIDES when I came back a changed man. She said she could see the difference and was happy... really happy. If I could've stayed that way, I wouldn't be here writing this now. But I am, and am now looking to you for advice. She told me, that when she saw me fall back to my old ways, that's when she decided she needed space. Her words were basically that she doesn't have time to waste on me. She needs to concentrate on finishing her masters and herself.

 

My question is: Am I truly after her because she is the one, or is she just the one that got away? the one who left me rather than vice versa, and being a sore loser I want to win her back? And it is impossible to know the entire story, but is it possible for her to even get back together is she is the one? I mean, she said she never gets back together, but since we have been hanging out, we do still kiss and kinda hold each other. I am still not even sure if she ever really loved me or if it's just her 'cold' personality that makes her hard to read. I am sure she is the way she is, but I have learned to love that about her. Where as I am usually the one that is more open about my emotions, more social, and flirty, I feel like I need her to balance me. I can't imagine having somebody that is like me. I need somebody like her to complement, don't I? There are a lot of things missing from this, but feel free to ask questions. I will reply. I am looking for as much feedback as possible as I literally flip flop every hour on how I should go about this situation.

 

Additional information for those that may find it relevant. I am American, she is Romanian, we currently live in France. I am 26, she is 32. Culture and age do play a role here, but after 2 years of being together we have seen through most of these issues.

 

Cheers.