8 years+no ring=break up

[lavenderlove]

I have just ended an 8 years long relationship.

 

My exboyfriend is amazing..he is funny, handsome, creative, a great lover and he takes good care of me financially and he is my best friend too.

 

EXCEPT: He doesn't want to commit and have a family. Now, I kind of knew this from the very beginning, but as it happens in The unbearable lightness of being I decided that he will probably change his mind eventually and become my perfect man by committing.

 

I was extremely patient, very subtle about letting him know what I want from year 3, the "M" word wasn't even mentioned. Then as you can image things became more intense, and we broke up around year 7 because of this but he pleaded me to go back to him.

I did, but I still don't have a ring on my finger and I have been just strung along to believe that we will get around to it. Through the years I have reached the point of being a screaming beast, then being giving and patient then not caring about it all and the other dozen little strategies I implemented and feelings I went through made me run out of power, and I just gave in.

 

It felt strange, the last drop was nothing but me shifting from one minute to the next, nothing actually happened, I just ran out of steam.

 

So I suggested that maybe I will just move onto plan B...to which he replied yes, let's do that, after all we are just probably very very good friends, and never meant to be more...

 

HE SAID WE ARE FRIENDS!!!! After 8 years?????

 

So I go to work...and I come home, and he comes up to me and goes let's just get back together, this is not right.

 

I said no. It was hard.

 

It is very hard, because I live 20 odd thousands of kilometers from home and family (to be with him), and I am broke. But I feel totally exhausted. I think I have to go.

 

In the same time I love him with my all my heart. But this is all too much. I have been in so much pain over the last two years that I can't go over this again.

 

Do you think he would change this time around?

I need all your wisdom.

 

 

Lavender

Edited March 1, 2013 by lavenderlove

[TaraMaiden]

It's sad.

but I think you did the right thing.

He had become complacent to the extent that he referred to you as a friend....

 

When you're with someone, they're automatically your best friend - or they should be.

 

You don't get relegated to the level of 'friends'....

 

go No Contact.

Get out and fall off his radar.

It will probably hit him, but you have to be cautious about going back to him, if at all, because there will be an ulterior motive...

 

In other words, he won't want to get back with you because he wants you as his best friend, he won't want to get back with you because he wants to marry you, and he won't want to get back with you to have a family.

 

He will want to get back with you because you've become a familiar habit, and he will want THAT back.

 

Desperately sad as you must feel - you need to move on.

And I think you're doing the right thing.

 

[lavenderlove]

Thanks for the advice, I think you are right.

 

He really wants me to stay under one roof with him, which is probably for the reason you mentioned.

 

But I will move out as soon as I can. I have moved rooms and I don't talk to him, I am not sulking, I just don't converse.

[Mcnulty]

I was that guy.

 

7 years, on and off, she kept mentioning the M word, i laughed it off, thought we were fine as we are. I didn't take into account her needs, i was wrong for not doing that and took her for granted, thought she'd always be there....guess what happened? She ran out of steam as you have and she walked away.

 

Not going to go into too much here, but focussing on you, you're right to end it, he will drag your self worth and self esteem down, he is wasting your time and it will be the hardest lesson he will ever learn in life, believe me, I've been there.

 

He wont change and you are better off moving on now than feeling worse than you do now, in a year's time.

[Mack05]

This is going to be tough to come back from. I had an 8 year relationship with a girl who said she never wanted kids. I stayed hoping she would change her mind. She never did. Years later she got married (she was 38) and has never had kids.

 

I look at this as my mistake. She made it clear right at the start that she didn't want kids. I thought she would change her mind when she got older. When we met we were only 22 and she came from a great family background. It didn't make sense that she didn't want kids (she adored her nieces) so I just assumed she would change her mind as she got older.

 

It really is up to us to listen to what are partners tell us. I really regret (for varying reasons) spending 8 years with a girl, that I could never have had a long term future with. I constantly wonder about all the lost opportunities in my 20's, with one girl in particular.

 

If you find yourself wanting to change your partner (or vice versa) you are with the wrong partner. It is that simple. You have to have the same principals and morals, same overall view of life and you have to want the same things out of life.

 

You spent years manipulating the guy to come to your way of thinking. This strategy was never going to work. I think you should try save enough money to go back home and maybe start again. Or maybe move cities. Either way you need distance from this guy. This looks like the right opportunity to make a new start in your life. It's easier to make a new start when there is no huge shadow lurking in the background.

Edited March 1, 2013 by Mack05

[lavenderlove]

Thanks guys. your post were very helpful.

 

I think I will stick with my decision and move on. If I am really honest with myself I had an inkling all along that he is not the one. You are right Mack05 it's probably our fault for thinking that we can change someone. I didn't think I as a person could change him, I also just thought that he will naturally grow. I think it is more like ignorance. Ignoring the little signs and then as they get bigger still believing in something to come.

 

I struggle with so many things at the moment, finances, my business I started and have to support with an extra job, and I begin to feel, that maybe pushing towards the hard road is just not the go. Maybe when things in life get hard in that negative way (by this I don't mean, like when you work hard to get something and you enjoy the road because you get closer and closer or you learn heaps about yourself-that kind of hardship is an awesome part of life) it's just a sign that you are moving the wrong direction. Same with relationships.

 

I decide to be kind with myself. Focus on the process of the things I do, not just the outcome, and take it in small steps.

 

I will move out as soon as I can, and then, I will move cities to get a better job and be able to grow my own business, and once I get sorted I will be back home, where I love being. This may take some time, but it will give me pleasure, every little step will give me more independence.

 

He offered to give me a large amount of money to help me to get back home, and I refused to take it. I feel if I use his money I will still feel attached and dependant on him.

 

I guess this is the start.