Kristopher1 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Hi all, So I broke NC with my ex after five days (Tara will kill me) and it wasn’t as bad as I thought. or maybe I'm wrong? We spoke on skype, she was responding pretty late.. and as we were talking, I told her that I shouldn’t have called her a liar and that I apologize and that I never meant to hurt her in anyway.I spoke to her a lot basically.. She responded that of course she wants to be with me however she’s really upset with me and it was very difficult for her to accept the things I said to her( I only called her a liar -.-). She said she wants to get past all these days with all these arguments.(Yes we had a lot of fall outs before over trust issues and her not investing much time for me as she was always apparently busy) I asked her are you happy I returned? She responded that she wants us to be together but she thought she would have to wait quite a while until we get back together again, only then can we be good again. I even spoke to her on skype via voice for a few minutes and she sounded OK. I wrote this big essay of how I want us to change and become better for each other and stop the childish arguments, I said I’ll hold her hand through it all, but if she doesn’t want me then please don’t hurt me, or yourself and just end it here. (I had trust issues with this woman) She responded that “it was really nice for you to say these things, but you have to give me time until I can get better, because I can’t be the person you want me to be right now because I’m so angry and upset. You need to give me time” I asked her ok well why don’t I stay with you and keep you calm and make you feel better, she said I cant, would you like it if I agreed to start this relationship and then started talking bad to you? She said she want’s to get better but she can’t, she’s always upset. I asked her what I can do for help, she said I don’t know Then said the following: “These arguments have affected me in a very bad way, maybe it’s better we don’t speak for another week until I get better so that I don’t feel as angry anymore, is that alright? I said fine, she thanked me for understanding. I don’t get it!!!! She wasn't the only one who was hurt during the breakup, What does this mean? Does this mean she really wants time, does she not want the relationship anymore, or perhaps she’s seeing somebody else? I’ve been NC with her for 5 days yet she still wants more time. I really hoped she would come about, now I don’t know what to think of this, whether or not I should take this positively or negatively, any of you have any experience with the “I need time quote”? Any advice? Thanks all…
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 I told you her Ego was big. It seems you've just discovered HOW big. This is all about her, and what she wants, again. The sad thing is, you are not only trying to give it to her, you somehow believe it's her right and that she deserves it. Remember the doormat warning. You're just about there, dude. 2
Author Kristopher1 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 (edited) I told you her Ego was big. It seems you've just discovered HOW big. This is all about her, and what she wants, again. The sad thing is, you are not only trying to give it to her, you somehow believe it's her right and that she deserves it. Remember the doormat warning. You're just about there, dude. Ok, she just said to me that she doesn't want me to leave, but she just needs time and that if i love her give her that time, that shes very upset still and she will keep her distance so she can forget the things i've said or otherwise deal with what I said and move forward. I was a bit insecure towards the end saying I really don't understand why your doing this, and that it's so easy for you to make these decisions. I also said that she wasn't the only one who was hurt in this relationship, why are you making it out to be about you? No response, no shock there! Ok, Tara, I shall abide by the rules! How can I prevent myself from looking like a doormat now?! I won't message her, but if she does, does the NC rule still apply given that i should wait a day or two before responding, I don't want her to feel that I'm there for her whenever she needs me. help meeee I will listennnnnnn!!! I want the tables turned!! I wait patiently for your priceless response! Edited February 25, 2013 by Kristopher1
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Ok, she just said to me that she doesn't want me to leave, but she just needs time and that if i love her give her that time, that shes very upset still and she will keep her distance so she can forget the things i've said or otherwise deal with what I said and move forward. Oh for goodness' sake - doesn't this blare out at you? Do I really need to spell this out?? "No Contact is on MY terms. I hurt more than you do. For some reason, you are intent on bending over for me, so far backwards, your head is up your ass and in the dark, so just stay there until I tell you to come out. Which may be soon, or it might be never, depending on how my Ego feels." Are you getting it now....? I was a bit insecure towards the end saying I really don't understand why your doing this, and that it's so easy for you to make these decisions. I also said that she wasn't the only one who was hurt in this relationship, why are you making it out to be about you? No response, no shock there! There's absolutely nothing insecure - not even a little bit - about questioning her selfish, egotistic, self-centred motives. As your last question demonstrated, when you put her on the spot, there was nothing she could say! Ok, Tara, I shall abide by the rules! How can I prevent myself looking like a doormat now?! I won't message her, but if she does, does the NC rule still apply given that i should wait a day or two before responding, I don't want her to feel that I'm there for her whenever she needs me. help meeee I will listennnnnnn!!! I want to be the one with all the power again !!! I wait patiently for your priceless response! When she next contacts you, I would suggest the ideal time to wait before responding would be certainly no less than ONE YEAR!! There is to be NO response, in NO contact! None whatsoever! Zero! Zilch! You do NOT respond at all, ever! You need to stiffen that spine and get this into your head: In order for you to respond, her contact needs to DESERVE and MERIT a response. The way to know that, is to see whether her contacting you is based on what she wants, or what you want. Does her contacting you put YOU first? Only when it genuinely does, will you be able to even begin thinking of a response. Do not contact her. Block every available way and means for you to contact her - and DO THE SAME IN REVERSE!! Block and delete her contact in your 'phone. Block her on Facebook, Twitter and your emails. Discourage her texts by using one of the 'tried and tested' approved methods: There's one in the NO Contact Guide, or a simpler one is to reply by typing her number, then adding Text blocker activated and sending it immediately. There are even (free?) apps to help you do this..... Delete, deny, depart!! 1
Author Kristopher1 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 When she next contacts you, I would suggest the ideal time to wait before responding would be certainly no less than ONE YEAR!! There is to be NO response, in NO contact! None whatsoever! Zero! Zilch! You do NOT respond at all, ever! You need to stiffen that spine and get this into your head: In order for you to respond, her contact needs to DESERVE and MERIT a response. The way to know that, is to see whether her contacting you is based on what she wants, or what you want. Does her contacting you put YOU first? Only when it genuinely does, will you be able to even begin thinking of a response. Do not contact her. Block every available way and means for you to contact her - and DO THE SAME IN REVERSE!! Block and delete her contact in your 'phone. Block her on Facebook, Twitter and your emails. Delete, deny, depart!! Ladies and gentlemen, Tara has spoken. Nah I think I understand what you mean, I will not contact her, and I will not respond to her messages and be available for her just because she is "ready". I'll only respond if she realizes shes made a mistake by wanting this and puts my needs first! Think I get it, Thank you Tara.
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 You're not alone, I tell a lot of newbies this: Go to the No Contact Guide. Read it. Then, read it, Then read it again. Then copy, Paste into a Word.doc and Print. Enough copies to paper every single flat surface in your abode. And an extra copy to hang in the john (because you need something more interesting and educational to read, instead of all those bottles of cleaning products you have in there). And an extra copy to carry around with you at all times, particularly to share with guys in your friend-circle who may (or may not) be going through the same schytt. It doesn't matter. They deserve to know. 1
Author Kristopher1 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 Will do, and will keep you posted here, would appreciate it a big deal if you could respond if I have any related questions! Maybe I should have asked first, but I've just sent her a final message before deleting all my messages telling her what you told me but slightly different. I told her that I understand that you're upset and you need time but I don't agree with the way you're going about doing this. You're only thinking of yourself, and what's best suited for your needs. You believe you are the only one who is upset, but you have no idea. If it were me I would have made an effort to do something where both of us felt better, so that neither one of us felt any more anger or frustration. What you're doing is wrong, and you are putting me aside so that you can come back perhaps in a week or two, maybe even a month and have me say OK? I won't promise you I'll be here. I expected us to work something out together, I just hope you don't understand this too late. I hope you feel better soon, not like it's important how I feel. I've officially deleted everything now! Me waits for Tara to either say WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU DONE, WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT, or perhaps yeah nicely said, but I somehow think you won't be too happy. GOD DAMNIT L34HJJKHW3J4AS
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Will do, and will keep you posted here, would appreciate it a big deal if you could respond if I have any related questions! Maybe I should have asked first.... You think.......? Me waits for Tara to either say WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU DONE, WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT, or perhaps yeah nicely said, but I somehow think you won't be too happy. GOD DAMNIT L34HJJKHW3J4AS Words more or less to the former.... And as for your cryptic code - I don't get it. But then that's ok, it seems you still don't get No Contact, even though that's in plain English.........
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