Sudden break up

[newsbug]

Hi there. I am going through a sudden break up and I'm so totally lost. I don't know how to be okay now. We were together for almost a year and he proposed on January 1st. Everything was going great...we've never even had a fight and we've always gotten along so great. He's always been the one to want to advance the relationship and I never pressured him to do anything. I had said we should maybe do the wedding next spring since this spring was so close but he insisted we should do it this spring because he didn't want to have to wait a whole year to marry me. He said he just loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. So we set the date for June 1st and I started the planning. I bought the dress and the bridesmaids dresses and started getting the decorations and I set up the wedding website and did a honeyfund account. All was great. His mom was wanting to throw us a engagement party. Then on January 18th he had to leave to another state to start assistant manager training. That was the last time I saw him until February 4th. Between that time he had told me he needed to push the wedding back because he was worried about money stuff. It was disappointing but I was okay with it. When we saw each other on the 4th, we only saw each other for about an hour and he had to leave to another state to help his parents with moving. He was there the whole week. Almost everyday he said he would be back and he missed me but then he would tell me the next day he had to stay longer. He completely disappeared on Sunday and when I got a hold of him to figure out what was going on he kept telling me it was nothing and he loved and missed me. Then Monday he called me while I was at work and told me he didn't think we should "date" anymore. It was starting to feel yucky with us, but I had to believe it was all okay because I loved him so much and he loved me so much. I've been in so many crappy relationships and this was the first guy that treated me nice and he really loved me and there was nothing wrong with us. I keep asking him what happened and what went wrong and he keeps telling me nothing. He just needs to be honest with me and himself...but he won't tell me why/how he went one day from us spending out lives together to us not being together anymore. Now I'm broken and sad and confused and I just don't know how to be okay. I had my whole life planned with this guy and now he's just gone. Just like that. And he has a ton of junk at my house because he was supposed to be selling his place to move into mine in the next month or so since we were getting married. I don't know what to do with his stuff or the ring or anything. And he owes me money from a credit card we shared. He swears he will still pay but how can I believe him now? And I told him if he wanted to be descent he would pay for at least half of the cost of the dresses. It's only been a day but I've already broken down and asked him to help me with money stuff...but he was supposed to help me out because we were sharing bills. I don't know what to do. Should I just cut off all communication with him even though he owes me money? And how do I be okay again? And how can I ever, ever trust another person? I'm just so sad. And I can't sleep more than 20 minutes at a time without waking up in a panic and hearing my brain yell at me that it's over...I didn't do anything wrong. We were happy and now we're not. That's it. It's over.

[jumbojet123]

I wish I could say something to help you, I REALLY wish I could, your post made me cry. I am going through hell myself but the finances and marriage aspect I am sure makes it harder I know. I lived with mine for a year..lost all my friends and now am back with my parents..it sucks so much..if you read my post..its a little above yours "My sad story - desperate now" it tells you..he out of nowhere..complete NOWHERE..came home and said so calmly..we need to talk..i dont want to do this anymore..and my world ENDED...i mean..i lived there..i packed up my car with EVERYTHING except a printer and a couple other things and was too drunk to drive home so i had to sleep there that night..and he wouldnt hold me he said it would have been wrong..even though literally..a day before we were lovers...!! :'( next morning..facebook status change...so fast. told me.."you are going to be fine" "i love you..as a friend" "i need space..im not happy and i dont know why..it is not you, it is not my new job..i dont know what it is but i cant be unhappy and make you happy at the same time." all of th give it time..we will see it is just what i need right now..i am sorry

oh it kills me..its been 3 weeks TONIGHT..exactly 3 weeks this time ! he came home and it happened.

 

i want to say i feel somewhat better but no i do not..all of my time is filled with hopes of him wanting me back..im giving him his space..a few slip ups of texts in between..

havent seen him since..going on friday to get my remaining things..it will be painful.

 

i dont know. i know that does not help at all. but know this - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

 

he was my life and that is probably the issue..my problem is i loved him too much...and lost myself.

 

if i could chance something i would have not been so close, i would have taken more time to be me, to have balance..but i did not. and now i am on this little string of hope he will take me back..destined to fail..but i cant give up that hope even though it is so so unhealthy. if he had cheated on me or flat out told me i dont want you anymore and there IS NO chance..it would have been different..but since he did not say that i cant help it. such a fool!

 

 

you are not alone. even though you feel alone.

[meeji]

This is terrible!

 

I would be so pissed and hurt and confused, like you probably are.

 

It sounds like he spooked himself out. He probably wanted all of those things with you but when they started to actually happen he couldn't handle it.

 

He probably panicked and thought that he had to end it now before it got worse.

 

My breakup was kinda similar. My ex has commitment phobia.

 

I would ask him to help you with the payments that you are obligated to since he did proposed to you and expedite the wedding,

 

Get rid of his stuff. Have him come get it or if he won't, take it to goodwill.

 

I think you guys should have a serious talk. I know you love him but do you really want to go through this again, if he changes his mind?

 

Its probably best for you to cut your losses here and move on.

 

If he does't know what he wants, its not your job to figure it out for him.

[newsbug]

I'm sorry you're going through the same thing, but it helps knowing I'm not alone. The thing I left out is he did tell me about a week after he said he needed to push the wedding back that he had met someone. He swore nothing had happened and it was already over...it was a person from his past and they just hung out. I wanted to believe him because he had always been so honest with me and couldn't keep a secret from me. He felt horrible when I saw him taking a prescription medicine and I asked what it was and he thought I would be mad because he hadn't told me about it. He even told me about the engagement ring several months ahead of time because he couldn't keep stuff from me. But now I think the whole time he has been gone and telling me he would see me the next day, he was with her. He told me today that he wants to stay friends and you never know what might happen down the road...but now I can never ever trust him again. And I want to hate him...but I still love him and I don't want him gone either. But he is gone no matter how I feel. I don't know what to do with his stuff here because every time I think about boxing it up, I just can't. It's like admitting it's over. But we were so happy and everything was so great. And now it's just not. He even defriended me on facebook. That was like a knife in my heart. I have called and made an appointment to talk to a therapist. But that's not for another week and a half and I feel like I'm going insane.

 

How do these things happen? How can a guy go from loving you forever and then just not? And there not be anything wrong...and he said again that it has nothing to do with me or supposedly the other girl he saw...he says he just needs to be honest with me. But then he doesn't tell me anything. This is so horrible.

[jumbojet123]

I know.. the 2 days before we were at an event .. we were planning a trip to Australia..I was going t bring a dress back to the store it didn't fit well. he said no don't..there will be many more events for us to go to together.. like why say that? Why? Why say you woke up one day and you're not happy and decide to end everything..and now you talk to me and act like everything is normal EXCEPT the fact we are not together...(the 2 times we have spoken)..i do not get how you are ok and getting by! I cannot even sleep or eat! Sorry venting.

I don't get it. I lived at his place..how can he sleep easily..in the bed we shared? he never did laundry so he probably didn't even wash she sheets, I wouldn't even be able to sleep in that bed. Now at me parents I have to sleep on the sofa and not my bed, because I can't sleep in a bed alone it hurts too much being alone in a bed I am not used to it. How can he make that decision right before he started a new big job..and saying it has nothing to do with the job. I believe him too..and he was so calm and decided. Saying he needs time..needs space. Why not just say its over..won't ever have a chance..it would be easier for me to move on then :'(

[newsbug]

I know.. the 2 days before we were at an event .. we were planning a trip to Australia..I was going t bring a dress back to the store it didn't fit well. he said no don't..there will be many more events for us to go to together.. like why say that? Why? Why say you woke up one day and you're not happy and decide to end everything..and now you talk to me and act like everything is normal EXCEPT the fact we are not together...(the 2 times we have spoken)..i do not get how you are ok and getting by! I cannot even sleep or eat! Sorry venting.

I don't get it. I lived at his place..how can he sleep easily..in the bed we shared? he never did laundry so he probably didn't even wash she sheets, I wouldn't even be able to sleep in that bed. Now at me parents I have to sleep on the sofa and not my bed, because I can't sleep in a bed alone it hurts too much being alone in a bed I am not used to it. How can he make that decision right before he started a new big job..and saying it has nothing to do with the job. I believe him too..and he was so calm and decided. Saying he needs time..needs space. Why not just say its over..won't ever have a chance..it would be easier for me to move on then :'(

 

I agree. I asked him over and over what really happened and he just won't give me an answer. That's what makes it so hard. If there was something that went wrong or if he would really just say he seeing this other person...at least that would be something..but to say nothing happened, nothing was wrong...then wtf?! And?! I just now got a text from him asking me how I'm doing. Do I answer it or ignore it? Do I act like I'm awesome even though my whole world was just ended or do I tell him I've been puking all day even though I don't have anything in my stomach and crying and just not okay? Ugh.

[jumbojet123]

I agree. I asked him over and over what really happened and he just won't give me an answer. That's what makes it so hard. If there was something that went wrong or if he would really just say he seeing this other person...at least that would be something..but to say nothing happened, nothing was wrong...then wtf?! And?! I just now got a text from him asking me how I'm doing. Do I answer it or ignore it? Do I act like I'm awesome even though my whole world was just ended or do I tell him I've been puking all day even though I don't have anything in my stomach and crying and just not okay? Ugh.

 

 

 

ignore it. he is trying to ease his guilt. trust me. learned the hard way- wwell i have not learned....you know what i mean

[jumbojet123]

i still have no idea what to do about facing him friday

[newsbug]

All of my friends say I should send my brother to pick up stuff and/or deliver stuff so I don't have to see him. But that's so much easier said than done. But I am afraid to see him right now too...even for the slimmer of a chance I can stay friends with him I know I need some healing time right now. I saw someone mention that you should take a friend with you...so that's an option. Just hang in there.

 

I just asked him if he had told his parents about what he did to me and he said yes and his mom was worried about us and his dad just wants us to be happy. I hate this so much. It's not fair. I didn't do anything wrong and yet I'm the one that gets to sit here and suffer.

[jumbojet123]

All of my friends say I should send my brother to pick up stuff and/or deliver stuff so I don't have to see him. But that's so much easier said than done. But I am afraid to see him right now too...even for the slimmer of a chance I can stay friends with him I know I need some healing time right now. I saw someone mention that you should take a friend with you...so that's an option. Just hang in there.

 

I just asked him if he had told his parents about what he did to me and he said yes and his mom was worried about us and his dad just wants us to be happy. I hate this so much. It's not fair. I didn't do anything wrong and yet I'm the one that gets to sit here and suffer.

 

 

 

I know. he even told me he had asked his parents and his best friend if he was making the right decision in breaking up with me. That stung. And as much as my brain says bring someone with me..my heart says go alone. Its like..yeah going to get my printer and stuff ..will make him magically change his mind and want me back...yeah RIGHT

Its like..i know this is probably the last time I will see him..and see the apartment and cat and smell him..and it rips me up and it is a very self destructive thing to do..but the last time he saw me I was a crying mess leaving with my things..I want him to remember me looking decent and collected.. I dont know. I am a FOOL. I just want him back so much. He told me he needed space..he said he missed me but still needs space and to give it time. he said that he doesn't know what will happen all he knows is that is what he needs now. I am just a mess. I want to have my dignity, I want him to remember me for having dignity and pride..confidence..NOT for how I left 2 weeks ago crying ..having to have him pry me out of his arms :'( UGH :'( I know leaving him will be hard and I will have to FORCE myself to get the hell in my car and NOT look back..but I have no choice..i need my stuff back and I need to close the door. That is what he wants right :'(

[newsbug]

You're not a fool. This is really, really hard. I don't think there's a rule book to breaking up or how you have to act. It's hard. I'm texting with the ex right now as if we're still friends and nothing happened...but I know it's over. If you wanted to make the break fast, you could ask for him to have your stuff ready for you at the door. But I can't blame you for wanting to see him one last time and your place. Even if it hurts. Sometimes even when you try and rip a band aid off fast, it gets stuck on hairs.

[jumbojet123]

You're not a fool. This is really, really hard. I don't think there's a rule book to breaking up or how you have to act. It's hard. I'm texting with the ex right now as if we're still friends and nothing happened...but I know it's over. If you wanted to make the break fast, you could ask for him to have your stuff ready for you at the door. But I can't blame you for wanting to see him one last time and your place. Even if it hurts. Sometimes even when you try and rip a band aid off fast, it gets stuck on hairs.

 

and he even said its fine if i come by his place..i was dumb..i was like if you want to do something after let me know..he sad he will..what am i thinking? prolong the hurt? get food or watch tv? what will that accomplish?? He wanted to stay friends...but i know that wont happen..ill keep him on facebook..until he (if he) gets someone new..then i know i will have to delete him it wold destroy me.hes just a nice guy..he stayed friends or at least facebook acquaintences with his exes prior to me - the ones that didnt end badly at least.. he is just ..not a BAD guy.. he says he wants space..i dont know what to really make of that. i am maybe setting myself up for failure. i bought those "get your ex back" books on kindle wasted a bunch of money..im that desperate. they say it doesnt happen overnight..he had planned this no matter hat he said how he acted the days prior..that hurts the most..it really hurts. and it makes me feel that it is hopeless for me to get him back..im scared he will move on..or not contacting him it will be easier for him to try to move on..and in a few months time if we make contact and things go well he wont want to hurt me by thinking of trying again. he has finally got a nursing job..what does he need me for he wants to be alone i guess. he isnt happy..he said he doesnt know why..i guess he wants to find out and he will oon be happy and wont want to being me into the mix again (even if i wasnt the reason he was not happy).

 

this sucks so much.

 

so here i am. pathetic, clinging to this "seeing him friday" to get my printer..for what? then what..cry for a day..and have sheer emptiness..then its truly over...then i wont have that connection left...there will be NO excuse to see him..i wont have a key to return to him..he wont have stuff i need to retrieve..it will be over for good then. i will be a memory that will just fade. easier for him than for me.

he has his job and friends to distract him...i have fewer friends..i have my job but its just okay..he made the decision so he obviously is having a much easier time.

March 14th is our official anniversary. that will suck so much. i was in UCH a state of bliss then. i was happy for the whole relationship....but i mean..that will really really be awful.

 

i just feel at the bottom of my heart, he is too kind a person to one day be like oh i miss her and want her back now..he will be logical and think..its not fair i dumped her, let her go..i already hurt her and she has moved on.

[newsbug]

Jeeze...me and you are having a mirrored horrible break up it seems. Our year anniversary is in March as well. I don't know what I'll do come June 1st when we were supposed to get married. I have a stupid wedding dress hanging in my closet that I'll never use and I can't decide if I should try and sell it or if I should keep it in case he comes back or maybe I can use it for if I really do get married to another guy. But what if that never happens? Just now with use texting back and forth I told him I had made an appointment to see a therapist because I felt like I was going crazy and he told me he would always be there for me for anything if I needed to talk...but how in the heck can I talk to him about him destroying my world? He just doesn't get how much he has destroyed me. He even texted good night to me and junk...like nothings happened. All is great with us. Except for that little part where he dumped me yesterday and now owes me over $2000 bucks. It so sucks. I will have to force myself to go to work and be okay with everything even though I still feel like I'm having an out of body experience.

[jumbojet123]

Jeeze...me and you are having a mirrored horrible break up it seems. Our year anniversary is in March as well. I don't know what I'll do come June 1st when we were supposed to get married. I have a stupid wedding dress hanging in my closet that I'll never use and I can't decide if I should try and sell it or if I should keep it in case he comes back or maybe I can use it for if I really do get married to another guy. But what if that never happens? Just now with use texting back and forth I told him I had made an appointment to see a therapist because I felt like I was going crazy and he told me he would always be there for me for anything if I needed to talk...but how in the heck can I talk to him about him destroying my world? He just doesn't get how much he has destroyed me. He even texted good night to me and junk...like nothings happened. All is great with us. Except for that little part where he dumped me yesterday and now owes me over $2000 bucks. It so sucks. I will have to force myself to go to work and be okay with everything even though I still feel like I'm having an out of body experience.

 

 

 

Yeah the 2 phonecalls with my ex over the past 3 weeks (one tonight one 2 weeks ago)..he acted like everything was normal with us aside for that minor little detail of us being broken up.

As far as the dress...give it to your mother or a family member to keep at their place...for now so you do not have to look at it constantly..and then when the time comes have them deal with returning it for you..just "in case" (because i know I would not be able to return it yet "just in case he comes back" even though I know it won't happen because I am a fool). In the future you can always get a new dress for someone else..I know this is sickening you to think of it is sickening me too..but anyway. Whatever.

I have a Starbucks Verismo brewer at his apartment..not cheap. I bought it last month. I have one here at my mom's already...he doesnt drink coffee..why would I take it back..what would I do with 2 and theres no room..things like that irritate me..

I love bath and body works ..i have probably 20 hand soaps i just got...for the apartment..i feel weird using them at my mother's..its not my home..i am crammed up in my one room here..i have no use for them. Things like that bother me. What am I to do with all the lingerie he got me..the scuba diving gear I got for our trips (he taught me to dive and no one else I know goes and it would be painful memories anyway..it was his passion I started to become in love with as well)...what am I going to do with these things ..I dont want anyone else..I just want him

it sucks ..I have no words I just have everything crammed in a closet in a box. I know he will want to try and give me back the coffee maker and I will be like..yeah no need to..just keep it for the next notch in your belt (cruel to say and so untrue but I can be pissy can't i?)

My only winter jacket was a xmas present from him..so I have no choice but to wear it..my only comforter is one we shared..so i have no choice but to use it til i can afford a new one. UGH.

[newsbug]

Yeah the 2 phonecalls with my ex over the past 3 weeks (one tonight one 2 weeks ago)..he acted like everything was normal with us aside for that minor little detail of us being broken up.

As far as the dress...give it to your mother or a family member to keep at their place...for now so you do not have to look at it constantly..and then when the time comes have them deal with returning it for you..just "in case" (because i know I would not be able to return it yet "just in case he comes back" even though I know it won't happen because I am a fool). In the future you can always get a new dress for someone else..I know this is sickening you to think of it is sickening me too..but anyway. Whatever.

I have a Starbucks Verismo brewer at his apartment..not cheap. I bought it last month. I have one here at my mom's already...he doesnt drink coffee..why would I take it back..what would I do with 2 and theres no room..things like that irritate me..

I love bath and body works ..i have probably 20 hand soaps i just got...for the apartment..i feel weird using them at my mother's..its not my home..i am crammed up in my one room here..i have no use for them. Things like that bother me. What am I to do with all the lingerie he got me..the scuba diving gear I got for our trips (he taught me to dive and no one else I know goes and it would be painful memories anyway..it was his passion I started to become in love with as well)...what am I going to do with these things ..I dont want anyone else..I just want him

it sucks ..I have no words I just have everything crammed in a closet in a box. I know he will want to try and give me back the coffee maker and I will be like..yeah no need to..just keep it for the next notch in your belt (cruel to say and so untrue but I can be pissy can't i?)

My only winter jacket was a xmas present from him..so I have no choice but to wear it..my only comforter is one we shared..so i have no choice but to use it til i can afford a new one. UGH.

 

I'm having hard times with all of that stuff too. All the things he bought me I don't want to look at anymore..but I don't want to get rid of them either since they remind me of him.

 

I think I have finally hit a sleepy wall and I'm going to try and sleep again. It seems I'll feel really sleepy and go to bed but then lay there with my thoughts just spinning over and over again about how it's over. Fingers crossed I can get some rest tonight at least. We can catch up with more sad stories tomorrow.

[ak8o8]

I didn't really have the chance to read every response you received, but I did want to give my perspective after having been dumped by my girlfriend of a year and a half.

 

We had often talked about marriage and having children together, spending the rest of our lives together. She wanted me to go home with her to meet her family before Thanksgiving. I couldn't stay for Thanksgiving due to my job so I left early. She was there for five more days. When she got back her father came to visit and as soon as he left, she broke up with me. She said it wasn't because of her family and it was because the image of the man she wanted to be with and who I am were not the same. I wish she would have realized that before a year and a half had passed and before I paid for a ticket to meet her family.

 

I immediately went no contact with her. She was living with me so she got most of her stuff back aside from things in the storage which she never had the key for. She contacted me a month later and I arranged with my brother to give her the rest of her stuff but she said it was taking too long and wanted me to keep it. All that time it was no direct contact at all.

 

I can say that two months has gone by and I feel so much better than when I did the first days of the break up. I went through the sadness of missing someone who I wanted to marry to the anger of having felt betrayed and strung along during the last few weeks. No contact, getting rid of the reminders, spending time with my friends and family, and also working out, and trying to be fit...all of that helped me to get through it. It's not perfect, there are times when I do miss her but it's becoming less and less. So I just wanted to say it does get better...you should feel what you're feeling but don't let it overtake you. You should try to focus more on making yourself better and stop thinking about getting back together with him because I think it prolongs the healing.

 

Hope this helps.

[newsbug]

I didn't really have the chance to read every response you received, but I did want to give my perspective after having been dumped by my girlfriend of a year and a half.

 

We had often talked about marriage and having children together, spending the rest of our lives together. She wanted me to go home with her to meet her family before Thanksgiving. I couldn't stay for Thanksgiving due to my job so I left early. She was there for five more days. When she got back her father came to visit and as soon as he left, she broke up with me. She said it wasn't because of her family and it was because the image of the man she wanted to be with and who I am were not the same. I wish she would have realized that before a year and a half had passed and before I paid for a ticket to meet her family.

 

I immediately went no contact with her. She was living with me so she got most of her stuff back aside from things in the storage which she never had the key for. She contacted me a month later and I arranged with my brother to give her the rest of her stuff but she said it was taking too long and wanted me to keep it. All that time it was no direct contact at all.

 

I can say that two months has gone by and I feel so much better than when I did the first days of the break up. I went through the sadness of missing someone who I wanted to marry to the anger of having felt betrayed and strung along during the last few weeks. No contact, getting rid of the reminders, spending time with my friends and family, and also working out, and trying to be fit...all of that helped me to get through it. It's not perfect, there are times when I do miss her but it's becoming less and less. So I just wanted to say it does get better...you should feel what you're feeling but don't let it overtake you. You should try to focus more on making yourself better and stop thinking about getting back together with him because I think it prolongs the healing.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Thank you. It's still really fresh for me. It just happened on Monday. I'm back at work today and I've already had to tell a coworker about it. It's pretty horrible. I kind of want to do a mass email to everyone telling it all at once so I will never have to say the words again. I hope it gets better sooner than later, but I know there's nothing I can really do but just keep on keeping on. It just sucks.

[Mack05]

Reading between the lines there is a lot (about you) that you are not telling us. Picking bad guy after bad guy is not bad luck. There is more to it.

 

How do these things happen? How can a guy go from loving you forever and then just not? And there not be anything wrong...and he said again that it has nothing to do with me or supposedly the other girl he saw...he says he just needs to be honest with me. But then he doesn't tell me anything. This is so horrible

 

Sadly newsbug this guy is a cheater and a coward. He is just as bad as the other guys. He just hid it better. These types are VERY sneaky. I would amazed if he wasn't cheating on you with that other girl he mentioned. Everything seems to point to that.

 

I know this is a huge shock but maybe when the shock wears off you can focus on why you have made such bad choices with men gone by. You say this is the first guy that treated you right? You need to figure out why you keep picking guys who didn't respect you the way you would want.

 

Trying to analyze his behaviour is pointless. He is a dishonest coward, you are not meant to understand. Later in life he will get what's coming to him, dishonest cowards always do. You need to focus on you, so that your next choice in a guy is a great one. Your next choice will only be great if you are happy inside and happy in your life as a whole. If you don't resolve this, you will keep attracting bums like your ex(s).

Edited February 13, 2013 by Mack05

[newsbug]

I keep reading people advising no contact and that will help get over stuff faster, but he still owes me a lot of money. How do I get him to pay this stuff and not have any contact with him? Should I just suck it up and let him out of the money he owes me so I don't have to have contact with him? It's a little over $2000 and I'm a po' kid so that's a lot of money to me.

[Mack05]

I keep reading people advising no contact and that will help get over stuff faster, but he still owes me a lot of money. How do I get him to pay this stuff and not have any contact with him? Should I just suck it up and let him out of the money he owes me so I don't have to have contact with him? It's a little over $2000 and I'm a po' kid so that's a lot of money to me.

 

This is from the book Getting past your breakup..

 

"People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, money, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on"

 

If it were me I would leave the money go, or I would ask your brother to work with him on getting it back. I know if it were my sister this guy screwed over, I would call to his house turn this guy upside down and shake money from his pockets.

 

I think if its just you, he will make it a nightmare to get it back. If he has ANY backbone or decency he will pay this money back immediately. Or at least have some sort of payment plan. Sadly there is no right or wrong answer to this question. People will advice you different but I would cut ties ASAP. That's just me

Edited February 13, 2013 by Mack05

[newsbug]

I think you're probably right. It's just so new right now and I'm still mulling everything over in my mind. I still have the fear of totally cutting off all contact with hopes he will change his mind and want to work stuff out, but I'm also rational enough to know that even if he said that, how could I ever truly trust him again? I already have horrible trust issues and he just betrayed me in every way possible. From pushing the wedding back, to "hanging out" with another girl and now to him not thinking we should date any longer even though we were engaged. He keeps texting me and asking if I'm okay and telling me he's there for me forever....but if he really was, then why did he break up with me? How can he care about me and destroy me this way? I'm thinking I will cut off all contact and when the credit card bills come, I'll just forward them to him. At least a once to see if he will actually pay or not. I don't have any kind of contract with him about what he owes since I didn't think I would need any. I trusted him 100%. And he let me down 100%. A friend at work suggested me telling his parents what he owes me, but I don't think it's fair to get them involved at all.

 

ugh...I just wish there was a shot or a pill that I could take and all of these thoughts and feeling would just go away.

[coastchic]

Don't let him dangle you by a chain. My ex did that to me. You're in so much pain at first, then strong for a couple days, then you hear from them, and you are right back where you started. It will break you and cause you insurmountable agony, more so than what you are already feeling. That sense of hope, that "maybe he will change his mind", all of it will slowly eat at you. You cannot make decisions for him. I don't understand either how someone can tell you they love you, ask for your hand etc., and then just magically change course. It is selfish, cruel, and a sign of immaturity. My best advice, which I myself should have followed, is to walk away and ignore breadcrumbs. You will cry, you will not want to eat, it will be horrible. If he wants you back, he has to gain back your TRUST and PROVE to you that his love is genuine and real. Make him work for it. You will feel it in your heart when it is truly sincere. If he doesn't make that effort, why would you want to be with someone like that? I would always be afraid they would do it again. Put yourself first and take it one day at a time. I promise, you will survive this.

[coastchic]

And another thing, hell to the no about letting the money thing go. A little over $2000? That's ALOT of money. Don't handle it yourself. If your brother doesn't mind "shakin" it out of him, go for it. Or ask his parents or yours. Whoever is willing to help. If all else fails, take his ass to court. That's ridiculous.

[KatZee]

The thing I left out is he did tell me about a week after he said he needed to push the wedding back that he had met someone. He swore nothing had happened and it was already over...it was a person from his past...

 

How do these things happen? How can a guy go from loving you forever and then just not? And there not be anything wrong...and he said again that it has nothing to do with me or supposedly the other girl he saw...he says he just needs to be honest with me. But then he doesn't tell me anything. This is so horrible.

 

The second I finished reading your original post I knew he had met someone else. I knew this was the doing of another female.

 

I wouldn't believe him for a second that "nothing happened." He didn't see you for over a month. Was delaying seeing you, and was seeing this other woman behind your back. I'd say without a doubt something happened and that's why he ran so fast and so far so quickly.

 

I don't think this guy ever loved on such a deep level. He may have loved you as much as he was capable of but in the end, these are emotionally unavailable people, commitment phobes, and they tend to spook easily and change their mind easily, especially when other women come into the picture.

 

My ex pulled almost the same thing. Together almost 3 years, dumps me, (we had issues so it wasn't totally unexpected) but after all his tears and proclaimations of him loving me and me being his best friend, he just iced me out and never spoke to me again, come to find out he was dating some girl at his new job. I know without a doubt that he met her when he was with me, and that's why he finally ended it. He was too insecure to be alone and I know he'd never be single. He always has some back up waiting.

 

Just know you dodged a bullet. A guy that runs so fast and gets easily distracted when women enter his life... isn't husband material. In the long run, you're much better off.

[KatZee]

I still have the fear of totally cutting off all contact with hopes he will change his mind and want to work stuff out, but I'm also rational enough to know that even if he said that, how could I ever truly trust him again?

 

He keeps texting me and asking if I'm okay and telling me he's there for me forever....but if he really was, then why did he break up with me? How can he care about me and destroy me this way? ents what he owes me, but I don't think it's fair to get them involved at all.

 

ugh...I just wish there was a shot or a pill that I could take and all of these thoughts and feeling would just go away.

 

My ex did the same thing. Really read Mack's posts. Because they are dead on. A cheating coward is all he is.

 

And you're right, you will never trust him again, and believe me you DON'T WANT HIM to come back asking to work stuff out. TRUST ME. I made that mistake and I gave my ex a second chance when he told me he cheated. I thought what we had was strong, and real and special and that he really did love me. ---- Giving him that second chance was THE WORST thing I did and I regret not leaving him and going immediate NC at that point.

 

Instead he hurt me even more. And he wound up leaving me for someone else. I could have avoided so much grief if I just would have had the strength to say, you know what, F.UCK YOU. And been on my way. Because people who love other people, don't go around destroying them. They just don't. I gave my ex far too much credit and in the end I paid the price for it. Not him.

 

The magic pill you speak of? It exists. It's called NC. When my ex dumped me, that was the last time he ever saw me and virtually the last time he spoke to me. (he did call about a month later and we spoke for 15 minutes but that was it.) I cut him completely out of my life. I wasn't giving him one more opportunity to screw me over, play with me, hurt me. I threw out all his crap, I deleted him on FB, pictures, emails, notes, cards. Everything I had in my apartment was thrown down the garbage chute.

 

It hurt in the beginning, when your thoughts are racing constantly, but after a few weeks... it starts to fade, and weeks turn into a month, and then 2 months, and then before you realize it, you're building your life again and you're having fun and you're smiling. You are going to think of your ex, s.hit, I think of my ex every single day and it's been 9 months. But there are no feelings and emotions for him anymore. His name kind of crosses my mind but that's about it. I don't care about him, what he's doing, if he's living or deceased, if he has a new girlfriend, if he's lonely, or miserable. I couldn't care any less about him, and I NEVER thought there would be a day that I didn't love him or care about him or worry about him.

 

NC is that magic pill. And the sooner you instill it, the sooner you will be healed. Block his number and use a middle party to get your money. Whether that be your brother, or a friend. Box up his crap, mail it out, or just leave it outside your door and send one last message saying, "come pick up your crap" before you block him. Do not leave any avenues open for him to get in contact.

 

If you read the boards long enough you'll see that the ones who have moved on fastest are the ones who went NC and made significant effort to move on. There are others on here who are over a year past the breakup date and they are STILL spinning the same wheels, still crying daily, not making one inch of progress because they still reach out, still keep contact, and still keep trying to convince themselves they're "special." When in fact none of us area really all that different at all.