destroyed4sho Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Has everyone noticed how absolutely godly and flawless everyone's ex seems to be on this site?....how they have lost the most "beautiful" "perfect", "dream girl", who belongs on a guilded pedestal....goodness. There must be a lot of perfect humans walking this planet...lol Yes, I thought that too ok. But I am sure if you meet my ex you wouldn't think that. She is a hot mess. =) People stop plzzzz I did this for a while. I actually thought my ex was one of the best/perfect people on the planet and that was during the relationship. I mean who couldn't resist her cute little nose and her big eyes and her big nasty mouth. But goodness, now I see her as a very damaged, sorry individual. Her relationships never lasted more than 5 months and the one for 2 years with distance between them. She lasted with me for 2.5 years because I put up with all her abuse. Nobody would of put up with that ****. And then she had the nerve to break it off with me?? I should of broke it off with her!! she was driving me crazy, I guess I couldn't because I was still in the infatuation/love stage. Oh well, I'm not there now so..blah...another reason why it wouldn't work if we got back together. sorry just venting.... 3
MrDrama Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Has everyone noticed how absolutely godly and flawless everyone's ex seems to be on this site?....how they have lost the most "beautiful" "perfect", "dream girl", who belongs on a guilded pedestal....goodness. There must be a lot of perfect humans walking this planet...lol Yes, I thought that too ok. But I am sure if you meet my ex you wouldn't think that. She is a hot mess. =) People stop plzzzz I did this for a while. I actually thought my ex was one of the best/perfect people on the planet and that was during the relationship. I mean who couldn't resist her cute little nose and her big eyes and her big nasty mouth. But goodness, now I see her as a very damaged, sorry individual. Her relationships never lasted more than 5 months and the one for 2 years with distance between them. She lasted with me for 2.5 years because I put up with all her abuse. Nobody would of put up with that ****. And then she had the nerve to break it off with me?? I should of broke it off with her!! she was driving me crazy, I guess I couldn't because I was still in the infatuation/love stage. Oh well, I'm not there now so..blah...another reason why it wouldn't work if we got back together. sorry just venting.... I totally agree man I put my ex on a huge pedestal but I remember those times during the relationship when I was like what am I doing! But I guess that is love for you. 1
lovecutsrightthruu Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Nice Vent The 1st time I met my ex - I didn't even fancy her - my and my buddy were fighting over her friend and we both said we'd take a pass on my ex...haha I wish I had continued with that decision. She slept over at my place the 1st nite and I threw her a cushion and wished her pleasant dreams while she slept on my couch - again I wished things had stayed that way I hate it when people pursue you/don't leave you be - make you fall in love with them and then ditch you. 1
Jono85 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Nice Vent The 1st time I met my ex - I didn't even fancy her - my and my buddy were fighting over her friend and we both said we'd take a pass on my ex...haha I wish I had continued with that decision. She slept over at my place the 1st nite and I threw her a cushion and wished her pleasant dreams while she slept on my couch - again I wished things had stayed that way I hate it when people pursue you/don't leave you be - make you fall in love with them and then ditch you. yup. i seem to master this in every relationship. this is my thread asking the LS community how i should break up with my ex, b/c the feelings weren't there... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/307796-how-should-i-breakup-her-semi-long-distance well i did break up, but she pleaded and begged and i felt terrible so i stayed with her. fell in love. but by that time it was too late. her feelings had started to fade. here i am months later still not over her...a girl i tried breaking up with a few times, to no avail. 1
Author destroyed4sho Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 yup. i seem to master this in every relationship. this is my thread asking the LS community how i should break up with my ex, b/c the feelings weren't there... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/307796-how-should-i-breakup-her-semi-long-distance well i did break up, but she pleaded and begged and i felt terrible so i stayed with her. fell in love. but by that time it was too late. her feelings had started to fade. here i am months later still not over her...a girl i tried breaking up with a few times, to no avail. What was preventing you from falling in love with her in the first place? Bc then later you did fall in love...just curious.
lovecutsrightthruu Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 (edited) I'll tell you Jono - relationships are weird sometimes ...........the way they swing in favor of one party or the other. I read your other post and remember also at one point wanting to break up with my ex and not being able to find the words. I think I started treating her like cr*p so that she'd get the message instead and avoid me having to make a speech. Then........... for some weird reason I started to fall for her and then she dumped me for treating her poorly. How ironic..... Edited February 12, 2013 by lovecutsrightthruu typo
Jono85 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 (edited) What was preventing you from falling in love with her in the first place? Bc then later you did fall in love...just curious. i think it was a combination of many factors... 1. the biggest probably being my fear of commitment. truth is i didn't realize how much i loved her until later the next year when we broke up, for real this time (ie. stayed broken up for 3 months). it wasn't until she started distancing herself from me that i realized how much i needed that girl back in my life, how much i missed her, and how much i was ready to admit i was in love with her and wasn't afraid to tell everyone. until that point, i somehow managed to get around meeting her parents (even missed her college graduation b/c of this), saying ILY back, only met one of her closest friends, etc etc etc...i was afraid. partially afraid of hurting her (i figured if i never fully went all-in, i could never hurt her too much...terrible logic obviously), and also had/have self-esteem issues which doesn't help in a serious relationship. 2. she poured it on pretty thick, and had strong feelings pretty early. was a bit needy/insecure and it didn't help my attraction level. also, it will sound real shallow, but i thought my ex before her had a much prettier face; not sure how much this had to do with my lack of attraction though, b/c by the end, she'd become the girl i've been attracted to the most of all my exes, hands down. 3. long distance is a really hard way to start a relationship. i'm not the type of person that feels comfortable hanging with girls for days or even all day rigth away (heck i get tired of hanging with my best friends for more than a few hours!). i'm an introvert, and need down time/alone time. but all of our dates would either be an all day thing (our first date was 8+ hours lol, 2nd date was 2 days....) and there were def times i'd be distant b/c thats just how i am until i'm super comfortable with someone. she's very 'peopley' though and it didn't bother her at all. i did open up about this when she began to sense me acting different at times, or pulling back. it was just a weird situation b/c i'd talked to her probably 50+ hours on the phone before we met...so we knew eachother so well, but the 'in-person time' lagged far behind. this seemed to be a bigger issues for me than her obviously. probs some more, but those ones were the main reasons i think. Edited February 12, 2013 by Jono85 1
Jono85 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I'll tell you Jono - relationships are weird sometimes ...........the way they swing in favor of one party or the other. I read your other post and remember also at one point wanting to break up with my ex and not being able to find the words. I think I started treating her like cr*p so that she'd get the message instead and avoid me having to make a speech. Then........... for some weird reason I started to fall for her and then she dumped me for treating her poorly. How ironic..... i hear u man. it's rough. mine was the same. she loved me so much throughout when i couldn't say it back to her...yet when i profess my love for her and am super confident in how special she is to me, is when she's content with getting rid of me lol. and this is supposed to make me feel good about letting my guard down in the future?? i finally give her everything, am completely vulnerable to her and open up, and she discards me. 1
mcdo Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 ya nobody's perfect. but i've been putting my ex on the pedestal too. i think it's cos i moulded myself around her so that we were a near-perfect fit (not perfect obviously, otherwise we wouldn't have split!) and that's why she is so amazing to me. the hole that's been left is in the shape of my ex and i'm finding it very difficult to fill that hole. 3
Author destroyed4sho Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 ya nobody's perfect. but i've been putting my ex on the pedestal too. i think it's cos i moulded myself around her so that we were a near-perfect fit (not perfect obviously, otherwise we wouldn't have split!) and that's why she is so amazing to me. the hole that's been left is in the shape of my ex and i'm finding it very difficult to fill that hole. I really like this analogy, so true. We moulded ourselves to make them happy and they just left us. Now we have to painfully unmould ourselves into who we really are in order to find someone. Hopefully we will meet someone that is willing to mould with us together. :-) 2
Author destroyed4sho Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 i hear u man. it's rough. mine was the same. she loved me so much throughout when i couldn't say it back to her...yet when i profess my love for her and am super confident in how special she is to me, is when she's content with getting rid of me lol. and this is supposed to make me feel good about letting my guard down in the future?? i finally give her everything, am completely vulnerable to her and open up, and she discards me. It's so hard to trust now after my BU. I don't get any of my break up...it was like a total 360 and every one on here claims that just "falling out of love" one day is normal and ok. Where does that leave me or anyone?? I don't want to commit myself to someone, if its deemed as normal for a person to wake up one morning after 10 years and say "hey I don't love you anymore...i know it sucks for us, but I gotta go, bye!" I can't process this in my head, or accept it. If I do then I am going to end up being one lonely person. 2
Jono85 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 It's so hard to trust now after my BU. I don't get any of my break up...it was like a total 360 and every one on here claims that just "falling out of love" one day is normal and ok. Where does that leave me or anyone?? I don't want to commit myself to someone, if its deemed as normal for a person to wake up one morning after 10 years and say "hey I don't love you anymore...i know it sucks for us, but I gotta go, bye!" I can't process this in my head, or accept it. If I do then I am going to end up being one lonely person. i think we must become better at reading the signs. i know there were multiple signs towards the end when i could tell things were different. i don't think anyone can just wake up and realize they don't love someone one day. it's more of a gradual process. there will always be signs. some ppl may be too blinded or in denial to see them, but the signs are always there. it's impossible for someone to start losing their feelings and act completely the same. it's just a matter of seeing the signs, and either being proactive about them (be strong, maybe pull back yourself a little bit, try to re-attract your partner....or talk to them about it, complain about it, start fights, etc etc which most likely will just push them further) or just staying in denial and watch things wither away. unfortunately when the signs started showing from my ex, i got on her case about them and definitely pushed her further away instead of being strong and weathering the storm. 2
Author destroyed4sho Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 i think we must become better at reading the signs. i know there were multiple signs towards the end when i could tell things were different. i don't think anyone can just wake up and realize they don't love someone one day. it's more of a gradual process. there will always be signs. some ppl may be too blinded or in denial to see them, but the signs are always there. it's impossible for someone to start losing their feelings and act completely the same. it's just a matter of seeing the signs, and either being proactive about them (be strong, maybe pull back yourself a little bit, try to re-attract your partner....or talk to them about it, complain about it, start fights, etc etc which most likely will just push them further) or just staying in denial and watch things wither away. unfortunately when the signs started showing from my ex, i got on her case about them and definitely pushed her further away instead of being strong and weathering the storm. But when the signs start, there is nothing you can do about it because they have already pulled away and "fallen out of love". No matter what you do, you can't get them to love you again, its too late even then. That is what I mean by them waking up one day and not loving you anymore. Even if they dont say it right away the feelings are gone and its OVER. Its like a point of no return. How can I trust that in my next relationship this won't happen. I dont know what I did to make them start withdrawing and pulling away. And I dont think I will ever find out. Alot of people on this board have been telling me that "they just fell out of love" and there is no reason for it, its just feelings....well where does that leave me? If it was my fault then I would correct whatever I am doing that is wrong. But what if it is just their feelings that changed?? I am so confused as to why feeling would just automatically change when nothing happened?? 3
Jono85 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 But when the signs start, there is nothing you can do about it because they have already pulled away and "fallen out of love". No matter what you do, you can't get them to love you again, its too late even then. That is what I mean by them waking up one day and not loving you anymore. Even if they dont say it right away the feelings are gone and its OVER. Its like a point of no return. How can I trust that in my next relationship this won't happen. I dont know what I did to make them start withdrawing and pulling away. And I dont think I will ever find out. Alot of people on this board have been telling me that "they just fell out of love" and there is no reason for it, its just feelings....well where does that leave me? If it was my fault then I would correct whatever I am doing that is wrong. But what if it is just there feelings that changed?? I am so confused as to why feeling would just automatically change when nothing happened?? i know. but there's 2 ppl here. all u can control is YOU. you have no idea what's going on in her head. she can change without you changing. love is definitely a risk. our exes may have started changing what they wanted out of a future husband unfortunately, and we just weren't that. we were obviously everything they ever wanted at a certain time, but they changed. we'll never know WHY, or WHAT changed. they may even try to tell us, but i wouldn't trust anything an ex says about reasons for wanting to breakup. furthermore, they might not even know why they lost their feelings. girls are like that. they're not logical thinkers, they're emotional. i know with mine, we tried again after we broke up. hung out for a weekend, doing coupley things (sex and all). so i know she didn't want to just close the door. i'm sure she was saddened that her feelings were gone as well, otherwise why bother giving it another shot. but anyway i could just tell that things were different. we had our moments, but they were too few and far between. i could tell she didn't really care if she was with me, it was as if she was doing it for me, to appease me, and it sucked. but yeah i don't really understand it, but that's just something we unfortunately must live with; not knowing the truth. 1
Author destroyed4sho Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 i know. but there's 2 ppl here. all u can control is YOU. you have no idea what's going on in her head. she can change without you changing. love is definitely a risk. our exes may have started changing what they wanted out of a future husband unfortunately, and we just weren't that. we were obviously everything they ever wanted at a certain time, but they changed. we'll never know WHY, or WHAT changed. they may even try to tell us, but i wouldn't trust anything an ex says about reasons for wanting to breakup. furthermore, they might not even know why they lost their feelings. girls are like that. they're not logical thinkers, they're emotional. i know with mine, we tried again after we broke up. hung out for a weekend, doing coupley things (sex and all). so i know she didn't want to just close the door. i'm sure she was saddened that her feelings were gone as well, otherwise why bother giving it another shot. but anyway i could just tell that things were different. we had our moments, but they were too few and far between. i could tell she didn't really care if she was with me, it was as if she was doing it for me, to appease me, and it sucked. but yeah i don't really understand it, but that's just something we unfortunately must live with; not knowing the truth. See, there is no real answer. That means that its so risky even when you marry someone, have kids, etc. They may change out of the blue and not want to be with you anymore. How can I possible trust anyone or any relationship. They may appear trust worthy, loving and perfect. But then their FEELINGS may change and hell follows...why would I or anybody want to put themselves through something that has a good possibility of changing into a nightmare? (like what I'm going through now) I dont want to play this game anymore, its too rough. 1
rizzla Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 See, there is no real answer. That means that its so risky even when you marry someone, have kids, etc. They may change out of the blue and not want to be with you anymore. How can I possible trust anyone or any relationship. They may appear trust worthy, loving and perfect. But then their FEELINGS may change and hell follows...why would I or anybody want to put themselves through something that has a good possibility of changing into a nightmare? (like what I'm going through now) I dont want to play this game anymore, its too rough. I feel you man. I've been lied to and cheated over and still I wanted the relationship to work. I did all kind of crazy things and was dumped in the worst possible way. Now I'm trying to heal myself and enjoy my own company for a while. Never say never,, but it's true it'll take a long while before I trust another woman enough to commit to her, if ever. 1
Author destroyed4sho Posted March 30, 2013 Author Posted March 30, 2013 I feel you man. I've been lied to and cheated over and still I wanted the relationship to work. I did all kind of crazy things and was dumped in the worst possible way. Now I'm trying to heal myself and enjoy my own company for a while. Never say never,, but it's true it'll take a long while before I trust another woman enough to commit to her, if ever. Someone on her suggested reading "how to break your addiction to a person" ive been reading just the first few chapters and its been helping tremendously...it goes into why we stuck with then even though they lied, cheated and were abusive. Yes healing takes time. I reread OP that I wrote on this thread and I feel so disconnected from it bc in a month I think I have changed. I mean I agree with everything I wrote but I can read in between he lines a feeling of desperation, hurt and disbelief. I cant believe that was me a month and 2 weeks ago. Good news is...everyday just keep getting better as you change into a new better you! Hang in there and do all the self improvement you've always wanted to do. Now is the time...fight for yourself and win! 3
Damsel in Distress Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 Destroyed, I was also struck by how far you have come. I love all your posts - you are very honest and straightforward and have a lot of insight, and have been helpful to me because you are further along in the process. When I found that pedestal post and saw that you had written it, I thought, Wow, Destroyed used to feel this way!? He's come such a long way! Maybe there's hope for me too! 1
Compromize Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 (edited) I put my ex on a pedestal too. I "settled" in my past relationships. With her, she was what I always wanted, never expected to find and that is why I put her on a pedestal. Does she deserve it now, no. Would she still be on that pedestal if we were together, yes. She was the most beautiful thing in the world to me. And I think that a man should treat his woman that way for the most part. I'm not sure why I thought things would be different in my relationship with her from what I know over her past relationships (I think she ended them all) but I did, I thought we were forever and it's hard to erase that. ya nobody's perfect. but i've been putting my ex on the pedestal too. i think it's cos i moulded myself around her so that we were a near-perfect fit (not perfect obviously, otherwise we wouldn't have split!) and that's why she is so amazing to me. the hole that's been left is in the shape of my ex and i'm finding it very difficult to fill that hole. This is absolutely true in my case as well and very very well put. I saw my future with her and wrapped myself around it and right now the hole that is left can only be filled by her. But with each passing day of NC the hole becomes more amorphous and gets a fraction smaller. I probably will never hear from her again if I don't reach out to her first. It's hitting me harder now that she is really and truly gone from my life. But it was ultimately her choice so I believe NC is really us respecting their choice and moving on the best we can. Edited March 30, 2013 by Compromize 3
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 30, 2013 Posted March 30, 2013 I put my ex on a pedestal too. I "settled" in my past relationships. With her, she was what I always wanted, never expected to find and that is why I put her on a pedestal. Does she deserve it now, no. Would she still be on that pedestal if we were together, yes. She was the most beautiful thing in the world to me. And I think that a man should treat his woman that way for the most part. I'm not sure why I thought things would be different in my relationship with her from what I know over her past relationships (I think she ended them all) but I did, I thought we were forever and it's hard to erase that. I really relate to this. Exactly how I feel too. I finally thought I found it. Thought staying un-married till age 38 finally paid off. Can't imagine any one else I would rather be with. Don't even want too. Not sure how to move forward, but can't stay here for too much longer. And I still agree with you destroyed4sho - Seems entirely too risky to commit again. Hope I can see past this in time...
Sheilalou008 Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 (edited) Has everyone noticed how absolutely godly and flawless everyone's ex seems to be on this site?....how they have lost the most "beautiful" "perfect", "dream girl", who belongs on a guilded pedestal....goodness. There must be a lot of perfect humans walking this planet...lol Yes, I thought that too ok. But I am sure if you meet my ex you wouldn't think that. She is a hot mess. =) People stop plzzzz I did this for a while. I actually thought my ex was one of the best/perfect people on the planet and that was during the relationship. I mean who couldn't resist her cute little nose and her big eyes and her big nasty mouth. But goodness, now I see her as a very damaged, sorry individual. Her relationships never lasted more than 5 months and the one for 2 years with distance between them. She lasted with me for 2.5 years because I put up with all her abuse. Nobody would of put up with that ****. And then she had the nerve to break it off with me?? I should of broke it off with her!! she was driving me crazy, I guess I couldn't because I was still in the infatuation/love stage. Oh well, I'm not there now so..blah...another reason why it wouldn't work if we got back together. sorry just venting.... Nothing to be sorry about. Venting is totally healthy and a great way to get things off your chest. I notice the same thing on this site. My ex was totally flawed and I liked him that way. He thought he was perfect though, if you asked him, he would be the first to tell you. I was always very harshly judged by him and his family. I was never good enough. It was annoying but I loved him anyway. He was overweight and not the best looking man but in my eyes he was handsome and exactly what I wanted. He never lived with anyone longer than a month before me. We made it nine whole months *eyeroll*. Never had a relationship last longer than 2 years...Ours was just shy of 2 years. Everyone cheated on him. Not me. I thought I was in but I fell into the same trap as the others. I was willing to stick it out though and I am not sad that I tried my hardest with him. I have had much longer relationships, lived with bfs much longer and many other things. I do not feel I win or am above him. If anything, I just feel I have more experience with coping with people and their flaws. I am more forgiving if someone isn't all perfect. He just couldn't get that. In any event, screw him. He loses out. Edited March 31, 2013 by Sheilalou008 1
siankat Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 i'm really surprised at people saying they realised what they lost after the relationship ended...i've never experienced that as i have always shown my love and affection in a relationship and tried to make it work from my side and when i finally realise the person is not for me i end it but i never have feelings of regret...just longing and hurt and stuff like that. Is realising what uv lost when its gone not just another way of putting someone on a pedestal? Or would you really want this person back as they are... A case of the grass is not in fact greener?
TaylorBe Posted March 31, 2013 Posted March 31, 2013 I hate it when people pursue you/don't leave you be - make you fall in love with them and then ditch you. Thats exactly what happened to me...People shouldnt be allowed to do that. If your screwed up be screwed up dont crush someone elses world...I guess its true what they say "Misery Loves company"...Now I have to spend months rebuilding myself because he was an selfish ass
Jono85 Posted April 1, 2013 Posted April 1, 2013 i'm really surprised at people saying they realised what they lost after the relationship ended...i've never experienced that as i have always shown my love and affection in a relationship and tried to make it work from my side and when i finally realise the person is not for me i end it but i never have feelings of regret...just longing and hurt and stuff like that. Is realising what uv lost when its gone not just another way of putting someone on a pedestal? Or would you really want this person back as they are... A case of the grass is not in fact greener? well, in my case, i don't think it was a grass is greener type thing at all. for me, it was my first serious relationship. so i'll be honest, and i still feel this way, that i don't really know what love is entirely. when i was in it, it didn't necessarily feel like love. maybe b/c it was sooo easy for most of it, for me. my ex was someone like you, very affectionate, poured it on thick. i used to say to people close to me, about the pros and cons of being in a relationship with her "i know she would never leave me, or cheat on me. she's extremely loyal to me and is totally in love with me". so basically security. that's how it always was...she was always ahead of me in feelings. it almost worked to her disadvantage b/c honestly, i think girls need to let guys chase them a bit (sounds like games, but seriously). anything of value in this world is earned. when a girl gives herself to a guy, without him having to work too hard for it, it almost doesn't feel right. it's not attractive. i remember when she told me she loved me 2 months after we started dating, i thought "really? what did i do to deserve that?". so i guess you could say i got very comfortable in the mindset that she loved me, and it was in MY hands as to whether or not i wanted to keep seeing her or not. fast forward to after we broke up (the more serious one). where after her initial hurt and all that, she actually started being distant with me. and it only hit me then, for some reason, that wait a second, this girl doesn't actually need me. the ball is no longer in my court it seemed. and it was then i realized how much i missed having her a part of my life, and how much i actually needed this girl (i know, not healthy) and how much she meant to me. my life felt empty without her. now, if there was another girl in my life who i really clicked with, would i have felt differently? who knows. had i deleted her from facebook, or avoided her facebook, instead of checking on it and seeing her new profile picture where she looked insanely cute and saw all the guys liking her profile, etc which got me very angry/jealous...had i not seen all that would i have moved on instead of felt the need to have her back? i don't know. so many variables in play. so maybe it wasn't really love, i'm not sure. maybe i just haven't found someone better yet, which makes me put her on a pedestal. i guess i'm just confused at what love really is. b/c we seemingly can all love multiple people in our lives. i think there are so many variables in play. i think even my ex now, could easily fall back in love with me, if certain variables happened (ie. she didn't meet a great guy/develop strong feelings for someone, and allowed me to hang out with her again). i wished i believed in fate, or that "if it was meant to be it will be" etc but unfortunately i think random variables control love to an extent. whether we put our exes on pedestals or not, or want to give them another chance, or whether we remember them frequently, etc etc etc, is highly dependent on who we meet in the aftermath. i feel that way anyway. eg. if my exes new bf is abusive or turns out to be an *******, my value goes way up. if he's a great guy, i'm forgotten a lot easier.
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