Gay Couple... did he ever love me? I begged. on my knees.

[miklos]

We were a gay couple in our last year of college. We only lasted 2.5 months. He broke up with me on Dec. 25 while I was in Mexico over facebook. I love him. He was my first love. My first relationship in college. I came out to all my friends because of him and he was barely coming out too.

 

I met him on oct 3 on grindr. We hooked up that night. The next day we had a date on campus and then our story began. We became a couple on oct. 15. and by that time he was sleeping at my place every night. He was basically living with me. I met his sister and cousin during thanksgiving break. We were part of a dance competition on Oct. 25 and he was the choreographer. In November, we went to mendocino county for a weekend and we stayed in a cabin. It was a great time. It was amazing.

 

However, some complications. When we got together, he told me he had trust issues and holds a grudge a long time. He told me never to break his trust. Second, after we got together he told me he was still texting his ex. They had something over the summer and broke up around Sep. 6. I was able to read his messages. Third, he drank alot and smoke weed alot. I was basically drinking and smoking almost every day with him. sometimes, He would have random emotional outbursts and he was insecure that i loved him but I did. I would follow him and try to calm him down.

 

MAIN PROBLEM/ BEGINNING OF THE END.

On Dec. 4 i get on Grindr on my ipad just to look around. The next morning my ex sees the app on my ipad and get mad. He leaves at 3pm and doesnt come back until 6pm. We reconciliate. I tell him I wont get on it again. Im crying I am a mess. He then tells me that we should invite friends over but then tells me that he was in his car and some friends passed by and he got METH from them. He was high on METH. I was like whatever. After our friends leave, we go to sleep. In the middle of the night, I grab his phone and start looking through his pictures and messages. He still had pictures of him and his ex kissing. He also had GRINDR!!!! I go into it and he was messaging a professor on campus. He went to go see him to get the METH. I message the professor because he was online and he told me that he ate my ex's ass and my ex choked on his dick. I get mad crying and I kick my ex out of my apartment. I head to my friends place and he calls crying and begging that he does not want to lose me. I ignore him. The next day I feel bad and I message and call him but ignores me and acts like we got in a fight for my fault. He was making me feel bad making me feel like it was my fault. Later that night, we see each other and we get back together.

On Dec 18. when we are back in LA. I get on grindr again. My ex gets on grindr and sees me and calls me crying about why am i on the app again. I told him i was just looking and would never cheat on him and that i loved him. for a week he is texting me. The night before I leave to Mexico for 3 weeks, I message him to see me. That i would drive to his place so he can see me. His excuse was that there were people sleeping in the living room and cant get out. I did not believe it because it was a saturday night and he had just gone out with friends on wednesday night so why couldnt he leave his place on a saturday. He gets mad because I do not believe him and ignores me until dec. 25. I was in mexico facebooking him when he tells me that he is unsure about our relationship and basically breaks up with me that night.

 

AFTERMATH

I dont message him until Dec. 30 his birthday i call him from mexico and tell him happy birthday but he kinda ignores me. I call him for New years and he was cold and ignored me. On Jan 6 he tells me on facebook that says "I hate that I miss you. I dont want to miss you. It brings me Pain. I love you" I was so confused. I thought he wanted to get back with me. I tell him that i love him and stuff but he ignores my messages.

I go back to LA on Jan. 8 I wake up mad on Jan 12 and message him telling him I was mad cuz I was his rebound and that he never loved me and basically we are telling each other crap through text for like 3 hours. that night i call him saying sorry that i love him and I miss him but he listens but clicks quickly. An hour later he says "there is not a day i do not think of you" He also tells me he is going back to college that Tuesday and If i could see him so he can grab his stuff. I tell him I cant because i dont have money yet so he will have to wait until Jan 22.

Jan 22 comes and he comes over taht night. He grabs his stuff and i try not to cry and then he is about to leave and I start crying and tell him that I want to make it work. I follow him to his car. Outside he gives me a hug for 5 seconds. he gets in his car. I put my hand inside the window and hold on to the car so he wont leave. Im crying like crazy. I didnt want him to leave. and he did he left me. he left me there after i left the car because i got mad. he told me " you are scaring me" i left the car after he said that and then he left.

The next day I buy roses and kit kats (his favorite) and a letter and go to his place. I know and no one answers. i open the door and he was sleeping on the couch. I leave the stuff on the table next to him. The next day I get a text that said "it creeped me out that you came into my house while I was sleeping"

on jan 24 thursday I go to his house and knock. he answers. i start crying telling i want to make it work and that i love him. he says no. that he doesnt want to be with me. That I broke his trust and i lied to him 3 times. i said i was sorry so many times. I got on my knees and begged. When i wouldnt leave, he pushed me all the way to the sidewalk and left me sitting on the floor crying. Left me there like an animal. When he was walking away i screamed that i hated him that he was an alcoholic, drug user, illegal immigrant i hate him for leaving me. I wanted to damage his car. i wanted to damage his apartment. i was so mad.

I messaged him the next day and the day after and got no replys

 

 

I have been on NC for 13 days now since January 26. I miss him everyday.

[miklos]

p.s. he saw me two days ago at a mexican restaurant. I saw his back. I ignored him and he ignored me. He saw me twice cuz i was sitting near entrance. He saw my friends and I. I had a little mental breakdown. I was really nervous knowing he was there.

[Sari]

Hi miklos,

 

I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. I, and dozens on here, know exactly what you are going through.

 

You have to leave this guy alone though, for your own sanity if nothing else. I know that you love him, and are in the panic stage of the break up, but you need to start looking after your own mental and emotional well being. Chasing after him and begging is only going to push him further away and make you feel like s***.

 

First things first, get yourself a good night's sleep. Then in the morning, GET UP, force some breakfast down, then get to work if it's a week day (not sure of your time zones), or go to the gym, or or a run if it's the weekend, get some endorphins pumping round your system. Make sure you get out of the house at least for a walk and some fresh air. Call a good friend, do something low-key and relaxing together. NO DRINK, NO DRUGS. Maybe call a counsellor if you can, therapy has worked wonders for me.

 

Also, venting on here can help release some of the upset and frustration. DO NOT contact your ex, you need to go no contact and start healing.

 

Big hugs xx

 

Edit: sorry, just saw that you're already NC. I know it's so hard, I miss my ex every day too (1 month NC). Things will get better. Try to be kind to yourself, remind yourself of all your good qualities, head held high.

Edited February 10, 2013 by Sari

[miklos]

Yeah I was on panic stage. I went to his house to beg. I was on my knees crying and telling him that I was sorry and that I wanted to fix things. That I still wanted to be with him. But he said no and threw our time together to the trash. I still miss him.

 

I actually stayed in bed for two days depressed. I was depressed for a month. I am trying to become sane again.

 

I have not contacted my ex for 14 days now.

 

Thank you for your words of support SARI. I love you.

[Sari]

You're very welcome

 

How are you feeling at the moment? Well done on the NC, I know it's so hard but you will come out the other side eventually x

[creighton0123]

If it helps, my boyfriend and I (also gay) recently broke up after 2.5 yrs. While our story is lacking the color that yours has, chasing him or trying to make heads or tails of it is not doing you any good.

 

We're both in the same stage of No Contact. You're hopefully 18 days into no contact and I'm one day into no contact. I have a hunch that you regularly feel as though someone is sitting on your chest, that your mind cannot focus on anything, and that your body just feels off.

 

All of these things are normal and are, in fact, the precise symptoms of withdrawal/detox from any other addiction (drugs, nicotine, alcohol, etc.).

 

You don't want to be involved with this person. He has trust issues. He overreacts to innocent things (many of us who use grindr just look at it out of curiosity. Hell, I use it as a form of comfort knowing that there are a certain number of other gay men around me in a world that otherwise seems very, very heterosexual). He is using drugs and making you use drugs more than you're comfortable with. Weed is fine and dandy. Weed every day, however, is beyond excessive.

 

He is apparently being sexually promiscuous, putting not only your emotions, but your sexual health at risk.

 

You, my friend, are worth so much more and will most definitely find someone much better for you: someone who will want to be with you without controlling you, someone you can support and who will support you, and someone where trust is not even in question but is an unwritten, perpetual assumption. You might meet this person when you're 25 or 28 or 32.

 

Until then, maintain no contact for at least a year. In a few weeks to a month, chances are you will begin to feel the pangs of attraction for other guys.

Edited February 14, 2013 by creighton0123

[pteromom]

I am so sorry you are hurting. Your pain is actually palpable through your writing (which is a gift, BTW).

 

From a logical standpoint, you are much better off without him. Meth, cheating, using your love for him to manipulate you... you can do much much better.

 

You seem like a person who loves hard. And you will find someone who appreciates that about you and treats you with respect.

 

But as you go forward, just be careful. Don't hand over your heart to someone on a silver platter simply because you are sleeping with him. Pay attention to the person you are interested in. Make sure he is someone with integrity and honor, and someone who isn't just totally messed up or on drugs.

 

Keep NC going with your ex. He will probably call you or text you when he gets lonely or bored, knowing he can manipulate you into sleeping with him. DO NOT fall for it. One day at a time, keep moving forward.