Horrible low level heartbreak

[Sari]

Just a rant I guess. I'm just so sick of this low level pain that I feel all the time. The acuteness of the initial pain has subsided, I'm one month NC, two months broken up (he kept to-ing and fro-ing, hence the extra month of contact). I can get to work on time and do a good job, I see friends here and there, do exercise, have therapy. I know I'm doing a lot better than I was a few weeks ago. I don't have those overwhelming feelings of panic or complete hopelessness 24/7.

 

I'm just so unhappy I still miss him so much. I still hope every day that he will contact me, or when I get home he will be outside my door. Sometimes I almost let myself pretend that we're still together, just for a second. The memory of him is still so fresh that it's possible to pretend I just haven't seen him for a few days. I know it's no good, I know he's messed up and not capable of the kind of love that I want or deserve, I know that there's a good chance he may have already moved on, and is fine without me. I know I have to stop thinking of all the wonderful things we shared, the way he looked at me, held me, the special jokes and language we shared. I know you're not supposed to say these things, you're supposed to hate them, but I still love him so much, despite how badly he treated me at the end. I know he just ran away in a panic, and I just can't hate him for it. I would've spent every day of my life making this man happy, I honestly thought we would grow old together. I was so happy now I can barely see this screen through my tears.

 

Sorry for the pity party.

Edited February 6, 2013 by Sari

[Own Worst Enemy]

no offence, but it sucks the big one!!

 

i hate that we still feel like this over two guys that we (and everyone else who commented on our threads) can clearly see are losers who aren't worth our time. and who probably aren't feeling like this. mine is probably having his tiny little n.0b sucked even as i type. urgh!

 

ranting is good. it helps. and we can reassure each other that NC is the best thing that has ever ever happened to us.....

[Sari]

Thanks, you actually managed to make me laugh! Sorry my party is lame I wish I could leave, but I'm supposed to be the host...

 

I know my ex is a dick. I do. But I just want him back. And there's nothing I can do about it. All I can do is remain silent and keep trying to move on. But it's like I still don't really believe it's over, partly because I know he still had feelings for me when he left, but mainly because it was just like "huh? How the f*** can we be broken up, we are so f****** good together it's almost unreal?!" When he was leaving I actually said to him "I don't understand what you can want if you don't want me? What are you expecting to find??" And he actually laughed and agreed with me, he knew! He knew how ridiculous this break-up was!! And he still f****** did it anyway.

 

The thing is, I know he'll have just put me completely out of his mind now. There's no place for deep feelings or responsibilities in his heart. Everyone sees him as this big happy-go-lucky goofball with a heart of gold, and he won't want the memory of me sullying his carefully constructed persona, even to himself. He knows he's done us both a terrible injustice here, but easier to sweep it under the rug and start over for some people I spose. Ugh.

 

I actually thought of you as I was writing that first post, thinking of all the women on here who are in such similar situations. I feel for you because your ex also left you with a horrible blow to your self-esteem, banging on about your weight (typical CP excuse if ever I heard one). How are you doing?

 

Let's hug it out man xx

[Own Worst Enemy]

mine is the opposite - he is socially retarded, very insular, and totally obsessed with therapy and looking inwards. he said that he was going to be so lonely without me, and that he was well aware he might be making the biggest mistake of his life, blah blah blah.

 

and yet today is exactly a month NC. so he's not that bl00dy lonely. my friend has just reminded me that he made me bring my old teddy bear to the CINEMA. and then sat with it on his lap throughout the film. this kind of thing helps. just as you need to keep remembering that yours is what my brother would delightfully call "all fart and no poo" as all the good stuff seems to be on the surface.

 

i'm exactly like you, tbh. fine and ok, but prone to very deep pockets of sadness and missing him. and devastated that he is clearly not missing me at all. in my head he is getting laid by hot blondes 5 ways til friday! but the looks on people's faces when i tell them what he said to me kind of helps me to realise he really is a d1ck. for the record, this is me - as i've said a million times on here (trying to convince myself maybe!), i might need to shed a bit, but i'm hardly unsh*ggable, surely?!

 

http://i296.photobucket.com/albums/mm177/rachelswipe/NOTGINGER_zps76064572.jpg

 

give me the top ten things that irritated the blue f.uck out of you about him. that'll help...

[Sari]

mine is the opposite - he is socially retarded, very insular, and totally obsessed with therapy and looking inwards. he said that he was going to be so lonely without me, and that he was well aware he might be making the biggest mistake of his life, blah blah blah.

 

and yet today is exactly a month NC. so he's not that bl00dy lonely. my friend has just reminded me that he made me bring my old teddy bear to the CINEMA. and then sat with it on his lap throughout the film. this kind of thing helps. just as you need to keep remembering that yours is what my brother would delightfully call "all fart and no poo" as all the good stuff seems to be on the surface.

 

i'm exactly like you, tbh. fine and ok, but prone to very deep pockets of sadness and missing him. and devastated that he is clearly not missing me at all. in my head he is getting laid by hot blondes 5 ways til friday! but the looks on people's faces when i tell them what he said to me kind of helps me to realise he really is a d1ck. for the record, this is me - as i've said a million times on here (trying to convince myself maybe!), i might need to shed a bit, but i'm hardly unsh*ggable, surely?!

 

http://i296.photobucket.com/albums/mm177/rachelswipe/NOTGINGER_zps76064572.jpg

 

give me the top ten things that irritated the blue f.uck out of you about him. that'll help...

 

Mate, you're not big AT ALL. you look totally 'normal' sized if you know what I mean. My ex ex was also a terrible commitmentphobe, and he told me I needed to lose weight (was a UK 14). So I slimmed down to a 12, and suddenly he says he only really fancies girls who are a 6-10. Bear in mind we'd been together 5 years at that point, and the smallest I'd been was a 10-12. So that was BULL****. CPs move the goalposts all the time so that they can bugger off when the panic strikes. Ass-hats.

 

Also you are really, really pretty. Your ex is a moron. With a micro-peen.

[Sari]

Ok, top 10 sh*t things about my ex:

 

He had a really horrible temper, and even hit me once (kind of, drunken lashing out but still, not good).

 

He took waaay too many drugs - 48 hour benders at the age of 32!! Oldest swinger in town alert.

 

He was really passive aggressive and would sulk/go moody if he was tired or feeling ill, so I'd run around after him while he little lord Fauntleroy'd it up, with little thanks.

 

He had really bad hang ups about sex, and I'd constantly have to reassure him that I hadn't faked it, it didn't matter that he'd gone floppy, I didn't care, blah blah POOR HIM.

 

He was totally obsessed with himself and how he appeared to other people, always had to be the funniest, quickest, wittiest. He actually said that he'd rather be the funniest person I'd ever met than any other good quality (caring? Nah. Trustworthy? Screw that man! It's all about the funny).

 

He got angry with me for being able to quote Alan Partridge more accurately than he could, and FORBADE me to correct him a few months in to our relationship.

 

Oh, but he was forever correcting me when I misused a word or similar.

 

He never asked me many questions, which I found frustrating in the early stages. Made dates quite stressful as I would find myself worrying that the convo would run dry. Not a big thing perhaps but selfish, esp as I did mention it to him a couple of times.

 

Totally selfish, dumped me twice out of the blue in quite a cruel manner. Very little empathy or regard for my (or anyone else's) feelings. Missed friends' birthdays, let people down a lot.

 

Lastly, I think that although he loved the fact that I am pretty and clever and funny, it really intimidated him. Most of the time he acted like he worshipped me, but he would get annoyed with me sometimes and try to bring me down a peg or two, like with the Alan Partridge thing. He really does need constant attention and adoration like a child. I think he'll end up with a mousy little girl who just lets him run the show, and will quietly adore him.

 

Man I feel so much better! O.W.E., you are like my guardian angel this evening xxx thank you.

Edited February 6, 2013 by Sari

[Own Worst Enemy]

we have made each other feel a million times better, it seems. thank you for such kind comments. you have much better taste than him, clearly!

 

my friend said that they will always always move the goalposts. if it's not weight, it'll be something else. your post justifies this.

 

hahahaha, your list made me laugh a lot. now read it 3 times, then tell me if you are still crying. only with laughter, i suspect. hang on, i did something similar in the coping thread, let me share the goodness...

[Own Worst Enemy]

1 - Being in therapy for over 10 years does not make you deep or special. It makes you a retard who is being ripped off to the tune of £300 a week for a guy who is never going to "cure" you because HE is too intelligent to kill off the golden goose.

 

2 - It was not funny to remind me constantly that you thought you were much cleverer than me, or that you earned more, or to tell me that you had saved over £300,000. That's tacky. Not funny. And it certainly shows which of us is truly clever.

 

3 - Your constant unremitting dark depression. Turn on the light. Life is short, not long, as you seem to think.

 

4 - Your utter obsession with cuddly toys. You are heading up for 40 years old. And you are a boy. My 4 year old nephew would laugh at this. It is not sexy or edgy to sit and watch television (or in public) with 10 soft toys all over you.

 

5 - You have your own name tattoo'd on yourself. Who does that?

 

6 - Like Nicole Kidman, I can wear heels now, shortar$e.

 

7 - Your tedious body obsession. The perfect body does not make you or anybody else a good person. It makes you shallow and boring.

 

8 - It took you almost 40 years to find me, the only person you've ever felt truly comfortable with. And you think you can find it so easily again, but in a size 6 package, well, good luck with that. Size 12 (UK) is not fat. Size 14 is not fat. It's normal. Unlike you. Dumping someone for not being a size 6 is not normal.

 

9 - In any event, I can lose inches off my waist. Can you grow a few more inches, on any part of you? Nope. Thought not.

[Sari]

1 - Being in therapy for over 10 years does not make you deep or special. It makes you a retard who is being ripped off to the tune of £300 a week for a guy who is never going to "cure" you because HE is too intelligent to kill off the golden goose.

 

2 - It was not funny to remind me constantly that you thought you were much cleverer than me, or that you earned more, or to tell me that you had saved over £300,000. That's tacky. Not funny. And it certainly shows which of us is truly clever.

 

3 - Your constant unremitting dark depression. Turn on the light. Life is short, not long, as you seem to think.

 

4 - Your utter obsession with cuddly toys. You are heading up for 40 years old. And you are a boy. My 4 year old nephew would laugh at this. It is not sexy or edgy to sit and watch television (or in public) with 10 soft toys all over you.

 

5 - You have your own name tattoo'd on yourself. Who does that?

 

6 - Like Nicole Kidman, I can wear heels now, shortar$e.

 

7 - Your tedious body obsession. The perfect body does not make you or anybody else a good person. It makes you shallow and boring.

 

8 - It took you almost 40 years to find me, the only person you've ever felt truly comfortable with. And you think you can find it so easily again, but in a size 6 package, well, good luck with that. Size 12 (UK) is not fat. Size 14 is not fat. It's normal. Unlike you. Dumping someone for not being a size 6 is not normal.

 

9 - In any event, I can lose inches off my waist. Can you grow a few more inches, on any part of you? Nope. Thought not.

 

Oh man, the cuddly toy thing urgh I have such visions of him lying there naked with all these toys draped over him. My ex used to pretend to be a goblin, and would do a goblin dance around the house. I thought it was cute at the time, but these things seem so sinister with hindsight eh. Weird stunted babymen!

 

Also the intelligence/money thing is pretty sad. He sounds like a short man with a chip on his shoulder and a giant inferiority complex where his penis should have been.

 

And the tattoo?! I had to re-read that as I thought I'd got it wrong. His own name??!! Jaysus. That's just f****** weird.

 

Btw I LOVE "all fart and no poo". Genius. Anything that equates my ex to a bowel movement is a winner in my book. Don't suppose your brother's single is he...?!

 

Xx

[meeji]

I was already crying when I logged on.

I read your post and it made me cry more because my feelings are somewhat similar to yours.

 

I didn't ask the same question as you but I did ask him "who is going to love you more than I have?" He looked at me, thought for a few seconds and said "Probably no one." He also told me numerous times that he still had feelings for me. He said " My emotions are not like a switch that I just turn off."... and when I left him at the airport, he said he knew that he was going to miss me and that he was sorry that he hurt me.

 

He said something like "I should have fixed this a long time ago. I'm sorry that I dragged you through hell with me."

 

Point is, I can relate. I was doing ok. I'm on day 5 of NC and the last time I cried before today was last friday. I think that I'm pretending at work and a lot of the time that I'm not that affected by it and it builds up inside of me. I thought the crying was over but I should start expecting random sob sessions.

 

On a lighter note, the weather is nice and I'm going to a yoga class tonight. I hope both of you feel better.

[Own Worst Enemy]

not naked though, oh no. you can't get naked in front of a fat girl who is too fat for s.ex, remember? you can just get her to take you to hospital, listen to your self pitying drama, check your work emails and letters and articles (without ever offering a return service), etc etc. urgh!

 

the tatt was pretty special. a whole new level of ego. although i had an ex at uni who once wrote his own name on himself in chocolate body paint - and licked it off himself. where do we find these losers??

 

er, a goblin dance? how did that even work? not only should this stop you from feeling sad, it should make you question how you ever managed to sleep with him at all.

 

ha, sorry, brother is taken. but he has plenty of equally charming phrases that i can recite to help!

 

meej - don't be sad. this pity party is turning into a "point at the a.ssclowns and laugh a LOT" party. you know you want to join in.... come on, give us YOUR worse things that you don't miss.......

[meeji]

Hmm.

The biggest turn off for me was that he's a ****ing coward.

 

All the little nit-picky things are exactly that, nit-picky. I can't think of a list of legitimate things to bash him for.

 

I did think about how i'm sitting here crying and he's probably not .Then the thought popped into my head that the saddest part of it is that by the time these cp men come around to crying it will be way late in the game.

 

They'll probably end up dying alone and we'll be in much better positions.

[Hopeful79]

This thread made me laugh too!

 

I want to jump in on a couple annoying things about my ex (which I have posted elsewhere somewhere but why not post again -- haha)

 

HE WOULD HUMP MY LEG to initiate sex...UGH, I hated that.

 

If I wasn't in the mood he would immediately grab his laptop to go into the guest room to masturbate to porn (lovely)

 

After sex he would say "thank you"...I don't know, that annoyed me.

 

He would cut his nails and cuticles in his car while driving (when stopped, etc.) so this resulted in piles of cuticle and nail piles on his dashboard (yuck)

 

He always had to get naked to poop and then would stand and wipe his ass while facing the loo (he told me he even did this in public stalls), just found it odd

 

His poop breaks happened often and he'd leave me alone for sometimes a half hour or more while he would be off in some stall or restaurant restroom (most likely naked) playing on his iPhone (emailing, searching, etc)

 

He wasn't interested in my life prior to when I was with him - selfish man

 

NO EMPATHY at all

 

He thought I was crazy - always telling me I needed therapy, medicaions, etc...and I did it! I was on all sorts of different meds - he takes all sorts of stuff - he swears I'm bipolar (I don't think I am, my therapist doesn't think so, my friends don't think so and my parents also disagree). HE on the other hand is bipolar 2, which he did tell me in the beginning - but he seems to think most other people are too.

 

He constantly refers of himself that he was a college athlete (he was not) in fact he's a clumsy man who is NOT an athlete, he just likes to pretend he is...he actually believes he is, since he is a sports phys doc

 

man - does feel good to pour this out! Thanks ladies!!

[Sari]

This thread made me laugh too!

 

I want to jump in on a couple annoying things about my ex (which I have posted elsewhere somewhere but why not post again -- haha)

 

HE WOULD HUMP MY LEG to initiate sex...UGH, I hated that.

 

If I wasn't in the mood he would immediately grab his laptop to go into the guest room to masturbate to porn (lovely)

 

After sex he would say "thank you"...I don't know, that annoyed me.

 

He would cut his nails and cuticles in his car while driving (when stopped, etc.) so this resulted in piles of cuticle and nail piles on his dashboard (yuck)

 

He always had to get naked to poop and then would stand and wipe his ass while facing the loo (he told me he even did this in public stalls), just found it odd

 

His poop breaks happened often and he'd leave me alone for sometimes a half hour or more while he would be off in some stall or restaurant restroom (most likely naked) playing on his iPhone (emailing, searching, etc)

 

He wasn't interested in my life prior to when I was with him - selfish man

 

NO EMPATHY at all

 

He thought I was crazy - always telling me I needed therapy, medicaions, etc...and I did it! I was on all sorts of different meds - he takes all sorts of stuff - he swears I'm bipolar (I don't think I am, my therapist doesn't think so, my friends don't think so and my parents also disagree). HE on the other hand is bipolar 2, which he did tell me in the beginning - but he seems to think most other people are too.

 

He constantly refers of himself that he was a college athlete (he was not) in fact he's a clumsy man who is NOT an athlete, he just likes to pretend he is...he actually believes he is, since he is a sports phys doc

 

man - does feel good to pour this out! Thanks ladies!!

 

Ok the naked poop thing is HILARIOUS. Can't believe he'd just be sitting there naked in a public bathroom, crimping one out. URGH.

 

I think that beats goblin dance hands down!!

[Sari]

And thank you after sex is just creepy.

[stevie_23]

I’m kind of in this phase a bit too. It’s been exactly 2 months today since he left me. And the acute heart-stabbing pain subsided quite some time ago and mostly I’m ok, but…that’s the thing – I’m JUST ok. OK. Is this it? Forever? I will always just be ok / fairly functional / not ridiculously unhappy but not HAPPY anymore? I don’t want THAT!

[Sari]

Hmm.

The biggest turn off for me was that he's a ****ing coward.

 

All the little nit-picky things are exactly that, nit-picky. I can't think of a list of legitimate things to bash him for.

 

I did think about how i'm sitting here crying and he's probably not .Then the thought popped into my head that the saddest part of it is that by the time these cp men come around to crying it will be way late in the game.

 

They'll probably end up dying alone and we'll be in much better positions.

 

Come on Meeji, I bet you can think of at least a couple of things

 

I always put my ex on a pedestal and think of him as perfect, but as you can see, he's a borderline narcissistic commitmentphobe with goblin-fancying tendencies!

 

Did he break up with you out of the blue? If so, did he have a problem with communicating his feelings? Did he bottle things up when he should've talked things through? That's not very good if so!

[meeji]

Come on Meeji, I bet you can think of at least a couple of things

 

I always put my ex on a pedestal and think of him as perfect, but as you can see, he's a borderline narcissistic commitmentphobe with goblin-fancying tendencies!

 

Did he break up with you out of the blue? If so, did he have a problem with communicating his feelings? Did he bottle things up when he should've talked things through? That's not very good if so!

 

He started with the I'm confused I dont know wht I want stuff and so I said that we needed to break up. He cried and all that and asked for more time to sort himself out so I agreed. A few days later, it was the same sob story so I just ended it.

 

He did bottle his feelings up but eventually the got the best of him and he confessed his anxieties and thats when everything came to a head. We talked about everything a few times. Since we split, I just went no contact.

 

I will think about things I hate about him and update later.

[Own Worst Enemy]

it helps a lot to read back over them. so far we have quite a few good things to laugh at.

 

including leg humping, naked ****ting, cuddly toy obsessions and goblin dances. which, frankly, is horrifingly close to LARP-ing...

[Mayfare]

Okay I HAVE to jump in on this!

 

-My ex also said "thank you" after sex. Buzz kill.

 

-He's a total coward that worships the ground his father walked on. It's like he's still a little boy that views his dad as a flawless hero. I love his dad, I really do, but the man has many flaws. He can be verbally abusive and give sh*t advice, but the ex would always listen/never stand up to him even when he was clearly wrong.

 

-He's freaking moooo-ron. Applied to only jobs he'll never get, can't get into grad school, etc. No plans for next year (we're graduating in May).

 

-He is so awkward to the point where I'm sometimes embarrassed. We are 21 and 22 years old, loosen up and have a beer! So annoying that we'd all be having fun partying, and he'd just stand in the corner of the party and refuse socialize to more than 1 person.

 

-He thinks the sky is falling. He could cut himself shaving and you could convince him the scab is cancerous! He thinks he's going to get macular degeneration and go blind and/or that his retinas are going to detach.

 

I could go on and on, but I'll spare everyone on here. That felt great, though!