Amelia81 Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 I know if there is a break up the general rule is to go NC and try to move on. I am in agreement with this. Do you think it's reasonable a day or two after the initial break up chat (when emotions run very high) to want to have the opportunity to discuss calmly what's happened in a view to try and understand more. As long as once that conversation has happened you accept the outcome. I am getting mixed messages. Some people think I owe it to myself to have this conversation (aware it may hurt more but might make it clearer), others think I should forget and move on the instant he said it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
iouaname Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Speaking as someone who asked a lot of questions and continued to ask questions for far too long - don't do it. It's my biggest regret. Over a month past the break up and my biggest regret of all of it is not having gone no contact the minute we broke up. Right now, you think that by asking questions, you'll get clarity. I promise that you will not. Questions lead to answers that you don't want and can't handle, and those answers leave you wanting to ask more and more and more until the questions and desire to contact him become unbearable. By not asking, you'll cycle through those questions and eventually the desire for answers will fade. You lost your boyfriend... but you still have your dignity. Hold on to that and don't ask questions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HaveFaithxx Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 I have found that getting answers to all your questions doesn't help so much. Because the answers you get leave you with more questions, or that the answers give cause you to find solutions to the reasons he gave you. Even though he explained to me the very well why he couldn't continue with our relationship I wanted so badly to talk about it and get more clarification. I had a guy that broke up with me without any explanation at all and then he completely fell of the face of the earth and I never heard from him again. It killed me then, but I had as many questions with him as I do now with my ex that just broke up with me. I find with both, that I could figure out why they broke up and what they were thinking and feeling about 1 month to 6 weeks after the break up when I wasn't so crazy emotional and could start to think straight. Your answers will come to you when you get a distance to the relationship. But with that said, if you really want to talk about it, then do it straight away. Later on, he may not give you the answers or be very annoyed that you want to talk about the relationship if the break up happened weeks ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 I wouldn't....mine volunteered a wide range of reasons as to why we weren't suited. it was the most stupid stuff ever...music taste, one silly fight, etc. he told me it May not have happened if I hadn't had the fight with him. but I didn't even raise my voice and it was nothing unforgiveable. it hurt me so badly that I am so badly below rock bottom. I can barely function. Just leave it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amelia81 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 It only happened on Wednesday, and I asked for my stuff back tonight as I do not want to drag it out. I've not contacted him otherwise apart from arrangements for tonight. I wasn't initially going to get involved in any conversation, but yesterday it occured to me there is quite a significant issue that could be the root cause which I think he has buried/avoided rather than try to resolve and I can't understand why he would avoid it. I see this as my only opportunity and he has agreed to talk in person and answer truthfully any questions I may have. I feel in a place I can be calm and not lose my dignity but am aware that it may upset me more initially. Link to post Share on other sites
na49 Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Sometimes we need to touch the fire to know that it's hot. If you feel like hearing him tell you he doesn't want to be with you. He doesn't love you. He wants to just be friends is okay with you. Then have the conversation. I personally feel it's WAY too soon to have a reasonable conversation with him. 2 days is nothing. A few days after my BU I thought I was ready to be friends with my ex. I thought I was over the emotions and didn't want to lose her from my life. I just wanted to stick around and get my "closure". It's BS. You get closure from you. When YOU realize that they don't want to be with you anymore. They can tell you they don't want to be with you and it still won't be enough. Go a few weeks. Maybe a month so you have some more time to heal. He won't forget about you. Trust me. but that's just my opinion. You know you better than anyone, so do what's best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 It only happened on Wednesday, and I asked for my stuff back tonight as I do not want to drag it out. I've not contacted him otherwise apart from arrangements for tonight. I wasn't initially going to get involved in any conversation, but yesterday it occured to me there is quite a significant issue that could be the root cause which I think he has buried/avoided rather than try to resolve and I can't understand why he would avoid it. I see this as my only opportunity and he has agreed to talk in person and answer truthfully any questions I may have. I feel in a place I can be calm and not lose my dignity but am aware that it may upset me more initially. just be aware it may devastate you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amelia81 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 If it helps this is the issue in more detail. Not had much response on this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/369662-ed-cause-break-up With that being an issue and his other behaviour saying otherwise, I almost don't buy the 'something missing' reasoning. He wasn't even intending on breaking up with me wednesday but I had got upset during the day about something unrelated and he feels he's to blame and thinks he's being unfair on me. We have not discussed the ED in detail for two weeks as I have not wanted to pressure him. The most hurtful thing I think he could say is the reason he has ED is because I am not attractive to him. Yes I would be upset but at least I know it can't be resolved. Link to post Share on other sites
arrowfoot Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 just be aware it may devastate you This. More than likely, you will hear things that will make you even more sad, on top of feeling rejected. I was there. I asked every question that came to me by whim, and I still have no idea why we broke up. But, I do know, that every reasonable retort I offered to his unreasonables, were argued defensively or ended with "but, it doesn't matter anyway because I want to be alone." That's the ultimate answer: he doesn't want to be with you and you can't argue someone out of their feelings. Thusly, I know I can't stop you from asking him all those nagging questions. For me, it became an addiction. I had to know every detail until one day I just started to become angry and went LC (I don't initiate contact, and I only reply to valid questions, letting him lead the conversation until he gets tired of talking to himself) It's to ease me into no contact. Link to post Share on other sites
mustangguy29 Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 If it helps this is the issue in more detail. Not had much response on this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/369662-ed-cause-break-up With that being an issue and his other behaviour saying otherwise, I almost don't buy the 'something missing' reasoning. He wasn't even intending on breaking up with me wednesday but I had got upset during the day about something unrelated and he feels he's to blame and thinks he's being unfair on me. We have not discussed the ED in detail for two weeks as I have not wanted to pressure him. The most hurtful thing I think he could say is the reason he has ED is because I am not attractive to him. Yes I would be upset but at least I know it can't be resolved. Amelia, judging from your other thread I think you know why he broke up with you. His ego was probably bruised, and it is his fault he could not handle it, not your's. He gave you BS reasons, because he didn't want to say the truth. Trying to follow up with him will only yield more BS reasons. I know this is really hard, but don't take it personally, and move on. There are plenty of guys out there that would be happy with a women with plenty of drive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amelia81 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 To those of you who said i shouldn't have discussed and asked him questions, you were wrong. I can appreciate every situation is different and you cant apply the same rule to every relationship but in this circumstance it was by far the right thing to do and I'm glad i went with my gut instinct. After talking to him I still don't fully understand it but i can accept it and move on now. If i hadn't given myself the opportunity then i would definitely be feeling worse and still questioning lots of things in my head. It helps though that he hasn't treated me like crap and messed me about so i could fully trust him and know he was honest with me. he's not a bad person and i cant be angry at him. Still feel sad its over but i cant change that. I think what i did would need to be done a day or two after the BU, and you have to be prepared to hear things that may upset you, but if you are strong and calm enough I would go as far as recommend it if it can give you some sort of closure. But only if he's a trustworthy and honest person. Now the NC applies (i told him that) and fbook etc had already been removed the day he BU with me and the last thing needing doing was delete his texts from today. I've renamed him in my phone to 'DO NOT DO IT!!' so if I ever feel tempted its a strong reminder. The only reason not to delete it is so i know who it is if he tried to contact me. (Otherwise any unknown number i would wonder if it was him and that would make me feel worse). Im quite sure he wont contact me though. Anyway, if one thing I've learnt from this already is I'm stronger than I thought and I'm thankful for that. Amelia Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts