Have you ever met that one guy you just cannot figure out?

[green333]

Hey everyone! I'm new.

 

I don't even know what to call it, but I'm trying to get over this "thing" I was in with a guy for the past two years. I thought it would be nice to have a community to talk to. Maybe everyone here will be able to help me figure this guy out and finally get over him. Because I DO want to get over him--even though sometimes I don't. (If that makes sense lol.)

 

DISCLAIMER: SORRY, THIS IS A LONG ONE.

 

When we first met, he was so sweet and just shy enough to make him irresistible to me. He texted me every day, and right off the bat, he said he was looking for a serious relationship. Whenever we went out, he would be the perfect gentleman, paying for meals, walking me to my car, opening the car door for me, and even holding my hand while he drove me the whole way home after the second date. By the third, he was already calling me "babe" and "dear." We made out in his car, but it was my first encounter with anything resembling a relationship. So I told him I wanted to take things slowly. After which he said, "But we didn't even kiss until our third date."

 

He ignored me for a month and a half--despite me sending numerous messages saying that I still liked him but just wanted to take our time if we had a good thing going. Then out of nowhere I got a text from him. He wanted to see me and still wanted something serious. Well, after two more dates, we got kind of hot and heavy in his car again (no sex, though). He was moving into a new place and wanted me to come over. I was kind of hesitant and told him so, asking if my hesitation was stupid. He said it was.

 

But I went over anyway, and from then on, our dates would be getting something to eat, going back to his place, then getting hot and heavy--yet no sex. He said he still wanted a relationship--just after he finished moving in. Well, he finished moving in, and when he invited me over again, I asked if it was a date. He told me there was one thing he REALLY wanted to do with me. We all know what THAT is. So we had a talk about it, and he said he'd wait until I was ready, which made me melt a little inside. He was being so understanding, right?

 

So one afternoon, after making out, he looked at me and told me he really liked me--more than I liked him (according to him). After that day, texts from him started to dwindle. Sometimes, I'd text to no reply--only to have him text me that he missed me two days later. We made plans to meet one afternoon, and on that day when I asked him what he had planned, he said, "Sorry, I kinda forgot. :/"

 

Then, he said he was busy but he would always make time for me. After that, he would text me, asking me if I would be willing to do so-and-so sexual favor for him. It was literally impossible to get him to STOP talking about sex. Then, he would ignore me sometimes for a month or two, but communication always started up again. We had so much else in common (I'm talking about hobbies, lifestyles--the whole nine yards!) that I kept on seeing him--just without sex, although we would make out. He would tell me things I don't think even his own friends knew. I really felt close to him and started to really care about him.

 

He'd often talk about how he didn't like his friends' significant others, that they didn't deserve his friends. On the other hand, he'd also talk about how he stopped talking to his friends--and sometimes even to his family members. He told me about how he'd slept with (or, in his words, "f***ed") two other girls during the times he ignored me. Sometimes, when we were together (when we first met), he'd be very sweet one minute and then say something like, "Shut your mouth," or, "You know what's good for you," or, "You wanna suck it?" to me out of nowhere. I couldn't even tell if he was joking, but if I got upset, he would nudge up to me all sweet and hug me and tell me to kiss him. He would literally say, "Kiss me."

 

Well, we got pretty close to going all the way the last time I saw him, but something in me just couldn't do it. He told me to trust him, that he wouldn't stop talking to me. I still didn't give in. Then, he stopped talking to me. I kept on sending messages trying to make things right and really just make sense of things, only to be stonewalled again.

 

A couple weeks passed, and then I see photos of him hugging and kissing another girl online. I also discovered that he created an online dating profile, and from what he's looking for and his description, it SOUNDS like he's really looking for a serious relationship. Him and this girl haven't known each other for more than a few weeks, but I'm thinking they've already had sex, as the photos of them together are at her apartment. I sent him a message saying that I was happy for him and that I still cared about him and wonder if the him I fell for was someone different from who he really is. He's since blocked me, and it just breaks my heart.

 

Do guys like him change within the span of a couple of weeks? Is he really looking for a relationship, or is he just playing this girl like he did me? He never took photos with me (though I never asked...), but he does with this new girl, and they're posted for his friends to see. This new girl is also my ethnicity, and he's never dated anyone before me of my ethnicity. My friends say that means something, although I'm not sure what...She looks really happy, but I just don't want her heart to be broken like mine was.

 

I guess I just can't figure him out. Has he changed, or is it all just an even better front than the one he put up with me? I just don't know what his motive was, because even though he seemed like he wanted just sex with me, he was still gentlemanly, walking me to the door and kissing me goodnight, paying for meals, etc. Maybe I sent him too many messages, but what else could I do when he was giving me the silent treatment and never officially broke off anything with me? The last time we saw each other, he still walked me out and kissed me good night, telling me to drive home safe.

 

I don't understand, and now he seems like he's with another girl, but yet he had all these character flaws and contradictions. It makes me feel broken inside. I can't believe my first experience with relationships turned out this way. I feel like he took away my innocence, and now I don't know if I want to trust another guy again. I want to believe he's a good guy, but I don't know what to believe. I want to contact him and salvage a friendship, but I don't know...If I had had sex with him on the third date, would we be in a relationship now? Is that why he's still interested in this girl?

[kandygurl22]

Hey green333, welcome to LS

 

I read your post... and firstly I really really want to stress how totally great you acted with this guy throughout this 'relationship'. Seriously. It is really good that even as your first real experience with a relationship that you were able to hold onto your dignity and not let a guy like this pressure you into something you were not ready for. You always should trust your gut, and to me it sounds like you had hesitations about this guy from the beginning and I absolutely do not blame you.

 

It is really unfortunate that your first experience was with a guy like this.

He sounds like an absolute typical player, a liar and a sleaze that uses manipulation to try to get what he wants. Did he know that you haven't really done the relationship thing before? I don't want to sound blunt It sounds to me like he was using that to try to get the one thing he wanted. He could most likely sense you being young, naive and inexperienced and tried to take advantage of you - and again, really really so good that you didn't cave.

 

He sounds kind of similar to my first BF who was my first love. Unfortunately I did cave, and no it didn't help the situation at all. He still disappeared, came back, promising the same things but never acting on them. These guys are great at faking intimacy and yeah you might have things in common but it's not real. My ex wasn't verbally abusive or anything, but please remember, absolutely never let a guy talk to you like that - why would he tell you to "Shut your mouth" and all that other crude sh** if he was such a genuine sweet guy? No, and if a guy really likes a girl he won't disappear on her and come back when he pleases (I have just fallen victim to the disappearing act myself).

 

You really should try not to let this effect any future relationships, sounds to me like you dodged a bullet and spared yourself a lot of misery with this guy.

 

A guy who seems too good to be true, usually is. If he's moving so fast to press something serious, it's most likely not genuine. You have to get to know somebody over time, not rush a 'relationship' just to get what you want.

He obviously was persistent though, but you know those times he disappeared on you, he was just out looking for other girls, and came back to you cause you were a challenge to him. Don't get me wrong, he probably did like you and everything, but I don't think from reading your story that he really cared too much about how you felt.

 

This girl he's with now, I totally think he will hurt her too when he's done getting what he wants from her. They probably look happy now because she thinks she's found a guy who wants to be something serious with her, and he's getting what he wants... until he gets bored and moves on.

You deserve somebody who doesn't make you question your own morals if you should or shouldn't have had sex with him. And definitely, you do not want a guy who comes and goes as he pleases. Hold onto your morals and what you believe and don't ever let anyone try to pressure you into anything! If they don't like it then good riddance to them.

[green333]

Thank you SO MUCH for your reply, kandygurl22. It made me cry, but it also made me feel a lot better. My friends also said I was strong to stand by my values, but right now, the decision to be strong hurts more than anything I've ever felt before.

 

There's still a big part of me that thinks maybe I'm the exception. Maybe he doesn't treat other girls like this, and maybe I was too nice, which made me easy to take advantage of. Maybe he WAS looking for a relationship, and I was the one being too difficult. After all, he is on an online dating site you have to pay for. I still don't know. I really don't know, and it's like I'm stuck sometimes. I just wish I knew people who know him so that they can give me insight on what he's like, if he was different around me because I allowed him to disrespect me.

 

I noticed a while ago that he's no longer friends (on Facebook) with a lot of people (mainly girls) who used to post or comment on his photos. I've been thinking about contacting those girls and asking what he was like when they knew him. Kind of like exes contacting exes, lol. Do you think that would be an okay thing to do?