First meaningful breakup

[MHL]

Hi,

 

First time poster, signed up to hopefully get some advice on my current situation. My girlfriend (well, ex now..) broke up with me on new years day. Officially we were only in a committed relationship for 4 months however we had been dating for roughly 7, and before this we spent a lot of time together too. This is the first time ive had to deal with a breakup where i was actually falling in love with that person so it has been rather difficult to cope/accept the fact that its now over. I apologize in advance if this is a long post but id like to just get it all out there so people are free to give an opinion knowing all the facts.

 

Never have i met such a unique person. She had every quality i look for in a partner plus a whole lot more. She told me i made her happy, made her feel good about herself, treat her right unlike previous boyfriends she had etc. Overall things seemed to be going perfect and it was roughly about the time we made things official that i felt myself falling in love with her (Too soon? Maybe, but i couldnt help having strong feelings for her).

 

December was a bit of a strain as we were both working crazy hours including night shift so we could only see each other once a week, twice if we were lucky. But we just got on with it and were enjoying the time we did get to spend with one another. Christmas day i met all of her family, this went better than i thought it would. She said that they all liked me and were happy that she had met someone who was nice and had manners. I havnt had many relationships in my life and they have all been very short term mostly due to me not feeling any emotional connection and being honest about it rather than drag it out. So obviously, hearing this made me feel great.

 

Now this is where things started to take a turn for the worse. I noticed that she seemed to be becoming more distant, like something was wrong. Prior to this, she would contact me every day and want to spend a lot of time with me. This stopped. Her txt's became very short and to the point, almost as if she couldnt be bothered to talk. I wasnt being clingy at all. I tried giving her a little space by not contacting her as much but it started to seem like if i didnt txt her, she wouldnt txt me. Then she started making up excuses not to see me, she claimed to be ill one day but a friend of hers told me she was fine (not intentionally trying to blow her cover, but she did).

 

I knew something wasnt right and i asked her what it was. At first she said it was nothing and not to worry. On new years eve she didnt want to go out or anything even though we had made plans weeks ago. Because of how worried i was i spent NYE alone. Next day came, no contact from her again. It came to 4:00 in the afternoon and i couldnt stand it any more. I asked her once again what was wrong and that i needed to know as it was tearing me up inside. I waited 3 hours for a reply and it said that we needed to talk in person. She then came over and proceeded to tell me that she didnt want to be with me, that she didnt want to be in a relationship and that although she liked spending time with me, it wasnt enough. Needless to say it broke my heart even though i could see it coming.

 

So this was 3 weeks ago today. The first week i was a complete mess. I lost weight, couldnt sleep and my heart was, and still is, beating twice as fast as it should be. Weeks 2 and 3 ive had some good days but also some very bad ones too. Facebook has been like the devil to me. I deactivated it at first but then went back on soon after and what i found made me feel sick. It was like she had moved on SO fast and wasnt at all upset about us not being together.

 

Today i had a long conversation with a girl i worked with who is a mutual friend of the ex. She claims that she doesnt seem herself and looks somewhat upset. I really dont know how to feel about this. Im still crushed inside have had a few setbacks the last couple of days. Ive had no contact with her since the breakup. I felt this would only hurt me even further since i will always want more than friendship from her.

 

I know it's only early days yet but i cant deal with this much longer. I have a job which requires my full attention and lately i havnt been able to do that which has led to my manager pulling me aside a few times saying that i need to either suck it up or go on the sick. Problem is i wouldnt get any money if im off and i have bills to pay so that simply isnt an option. I do have friends and family that are there for me but hearing things like ' it will get better' and 'there's plenty more fish in the sea' just isnt helping me get over her. I have no interest in dating anyone else and although this is a little embarrassing to adnit, i have got 0 sex drive at the min. It's as if my libido just isnt functioning. Probably down to the fact that i think of her constantly and get reminded of her wherever i go.

 

Again, sorry for the essay. I feel a little better now that i have typed it up for people to read and share some advice.

 

Thanks for reading, please ask for more details if i have missed anything.

[OJ loved Nicole]

There is no foolproof / guaranteed method to get someone to want to be with you, stay with you or to get them to come back.

 

1. Love is a choice.

 

2. People have free will.

 

3. You cannot beg, plead, convince, guilt, negotiate, threaten, manipulate, etc. someone to want to be with you.

 

4. All you can do is be yourself. Some people like who you are and some people won't.

 

5. Some people are looking / want to settle down and are actively pursing that. Others are just looking for / having fun, dating around, entering and leaving relationships, etc.

 

6. If someone does not know who they are, want they want or what love is... You can't tell them who they are, what they want and make them understand what love is.

 

I was in your shoes not too long ago, walking around cloudy, no sex drive, no appetite.... The quote by Gibson is great, people having a choice and her choosing not to be with you is ok. I know she's special to you, but she has a choice, and we don't try to manipulate free will.

 

She will/already is being hammered by someone else!! Get this in your head right now. 99.9% of the time people don't leave relationships to live in rabbit holes and not have contact with people. They leave because they are either with or interested in someone else. You can believe it now or wait 6 months to see a FB post with her new boy toy, either way, the pain is coming. Take time in isolation, picture her getting hammered in every which way. Do this for 5 days straight, you'll see a world of difference to your attachment to her.

 

Nothing we say here will make you feel better, it's going to take time and a lot of work from you. People waste months/years devastated over a lost love, devastated over someone who doesn't want to be with them. It's quite sad when you think about it like that huh? My advice.... don't be that guy!! Do the work, don't pass on opportunities, improve yourself every day, don't pass up on dates/sex! You never know, the next person you go out with might be better than your ex. You'll never know if you don't try...

 

I didn't pass up on anything when my ex left me, I refused to be that guy who takes forever to get over their ex. I went on a date, we mutually decided to be just friends, and she introduced me to my current GF (who is 10x the woman my ex is). You'll never know the outcomes to opportunities unless you're jumping on ALL of them!!

[MHL]

I was in your shoes not too long ago, walking around cloudy, no sex drive, no appetite.... The quote by Gibson is great, people having a choice and her choosing not to be with you is ok. I know she's special to you, but she has a choice, and we don't try to manipulate free will.

 

She will/already is being hammered by someone else!! Get this in your head right now. 99.9% of the time people don't leave relationships to live in rabbit holes and not have contact with people. They leave because they are either with or interested in someone else. You can believe it now or wait 6 months to see a FB post with her new boy toy, either way, the pain is coming. Take time in isolation, picture her getting hammered in every which way. Do this for 5 days straight, you'll see a world of difference to your attachment to her.

 

Nothing we say here will make you feel better, it's going to take time and a lot of work from you. People waste months/years devastated over a lost love, devastated over someone who doesn't want to be with them. It's quite sad when you think about it like that huh? My advice.... don't be that guy!! Do the work, don't pass on opportunities, improve yourself every day, don't pass up on dates/sex! You never know, the next person you go out with might be better than your ex. You'll never know if you don't try...

 

I didn't pass up on anything when my ex left me, I refused to be that guy who takes forever to get over their ex. I went on a date, we mutually decided to be just friends, and she introduced me to my current GF (who is 10x the woman my ex is). You'll never know the outcomes to opportunities unless you're jumping on ALL of them!!

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

Yeah i understand that it's her choice and that i cant make her feel the same way i do about her. As for her being with someone else, im not sure that's the case. A friend pointed out to me a week after the BU that she had reactivated her profile on a dating website that he used also. If she had someone else on her mind or was cheating (seriously doubt this was the case as she's not a slut) then why would she bother using a dating website?

 

I dont plan on being 'that guy' as you said, but this is there first time ive had an ex really, especially one that i feel for. It's pointless me dating anyone, like i said ive got 0 interest at the minute and i dont want to waste anybody's time. Im doing my best to better myself with exercise and trying to do stuff that will please ME but the last few days have been a big struggle. Just this morning i barely had the motivation to get out of bed but had to. Im on my break at work right now and i cant be bothered to even acknowledge people even though im usually very social. In ruined my life at present.

 

I guess i just need some pointers on how to pull my head out my ass and get on with it. Finding out that she isnt herself and seems upset has got me thinking that she regrets it, i doubt it, but maybe. It's just another thing for my brain to obsess about.

Edited January 22, 2013 by MHL