Boyfriend with commitment issues / is this a breakup?

[girl18]

I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 35. We've been together for almost 7 months and have a great relationship. We rarely ever argue and if we do it's over petty stupid things. We live an hour apart from each other and see each other only on weekends. He is a cop (detective actually) and I am very supportive of him and his job and the fact that he works long hours and is exhausted when he gets home from work. We went on our first vacation together in November and it was amazing. However, every time I start to talk about serious isues like our future, he doesn't really want to talk about it. We didn't even say "I love you" until 5 months into our relationship. After we came back from our trip I was a little disappointed bc I was almost posiitve he would say it but he didn't. I actually brought it up when we got home and he said he's been in love with me since 2 months after we started dating and wanted to tell me number of times but was scared and thought i would freak out bc it was too soon. I told him that he was ridiculous for thinking that but now we say I love you all the time. He actualy said he was relieved that we finally said it. He is not very romantic. He actually was when we started dating. He would buy me flowers and text me good morning texts a lot but those things don't happen anymore. That isn't even what really bothers me but I do miss those things sometimes. Like stated earlier, we live an hour apart, I own my own condo and he owns his own house which he is upside down in with his mortgage just like the rest of the world. He is putting a new roof on his house and doing some minor upgrades but said he just wants to mainly focus on paying off the principal of the mortgage. I am a little concerned because he never talks about the future or mentions me in his at all. I am at a point where I am not sure where this relationship is going. This past week he has been doing things like where he'd call me on his way home from work and we'd be in the middle of a conversation and his phone would die and he wouldn't even call me back until the next NIGHT. I just think that is very inconsiderate and a little rude to be truthful. Then another night shortly after that I called him around 11pm and he never even called me back until the next night again. He said he's not a phone person and doesn't think he's doing anything wrong bc he just stayed home all day and worked on things about the house. He said he is just used to being alone and I cannot try to change him. I said I understand and I am used to being alone too but you are with me now and have my feelings to consider. Last night we went to a winery and he started talking about how he was looking online at houses in northern florida hours away (we both live in south florida). he was talking about the great deals they have up there versus here and how he doesn't want to stay in south florida forever (which i already knew). I said to him "can i ask you a question" and said "do u ever consider me when you talk about your future because I don't seem to be included in any of your plans". he told me that i am rushing him and i need to stop and he felt it when we had the whole "i love u" talk and now he is feeling it again. I told him its been almost 7 months and i have every right to know what the future has in store for me and him to know if i am wasting my time or not. he made us leave the winery and then dead silence on the ride home until i said to him "are you going to ignore me all weekend". he said "we aren't even going to make it a weekend bc i'm going to ask you to leave tomorrow morning when we wake up". i left that night but before that asked him if we could talk and try to fix this and work it out and he said he just wanted me to leave. that was last night and i haven't heard from him all day. i don't know what to do. i feel he has major commitment issues and is very content with us living an hour apart and just seeing eachother a couple days a week. i feel if you love someone you think about a future with them. am i wrong? also some background on him, his mom died a couple years ago and they were close. she was a drug addict and he grew up around drugs and saw many ppl dying. i know that probably has a lot to do with how he is but he tells me all the time i'm the best gf he's ever had a blah blah. he also is 36 and has mostly dated young girls around 22-23. i feel maybe its because girls that age dont want to commit. any advice would be much appreciated. i want to save this relationship but feel like he just doesn't really care as much as i do.

[Amelie1980]

He sounds like my ex. I don't think he's bothered that much. if you want him though the only thing you can do is pull away. the more you push him for commitment the.more he'll run.

[Ariella1984]

Hi,

 

I am also dealing with a guy with commitment issues (my thread is Commitmentphobe Mindf*&ck if you want to check out the back story). What Amelie said is right, the more pressure put on him to commit, the farther away he will be pushed. As hard as it is, the best thing you can do right now is to go NC and let him come to you. Nothing is guaranteed, and we can't write the end of these stories, but you need to give him the space to think about things. I don't know how deep his commitment issues are, but also consider the fact that even if he does come back, he will most likely do it again.

 

Sending my love to you, keep posting and be strong xoxo

[girl18]

thanks girls! if he contacts me should i ignore him? he did not contact me at all today/tonight.

[Amelie1980]

By all means answer...but just be light and breezy don't always be available, have plans and don't ever ask about commitment again.

 

You've been together 7 months it's a bit early anyway.

[Samilia]

I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 35. We've been together for almost 7 months and have a great relationship. We rarely ever argue and if we do it's over petty stupid things. We live an hour apart from each other and see each other only on weekends. He is a cop (detective actually) and I am very supportive of him and his job and the fact that he works long hours and is exhausted when he gets home from work. We went on our first vacation together in November and it was amazing. However, every time I start to talk about serious isues like our future, he doesn't really want to talk about it. We didn't even say "I love you" until 5 months into our relationship. After we came back from our trip I was a little disappointed bc I was almost posiitve he would say it but he didn't. I actually brought it up when we got home and he said he's been in love with me since 2 months after we started dating and wanted to tell me number of times but was scared and thought i would freak out bc it was too soon. I told him that he was ridiculous for thinking that but now we say I love you all the time. He actualy said he was relieved that we finally said it. He is not very romantic. He actually was when we started dating. He would buy me flowers and text me good morning texts a lot but those things don't happen anymore. That isn't even what really bothers me but I do miss those things sometimes. Like stated earlier, we live an hour apart, I own my own condo and he owns his own house which he is upside down in with his mortgage just like the rest of the world. He is putting a new roof on his house and doing some minor upgrades but said he just wants to mainly focus on paying off the principal of the mortgage. I am a little concerned because he never talks about the future or mentions me in his at all. I am at a point where I am not sure where this relationship is going. This past week he has been doing things like where he'd call me on his way home from work and we'd be in the middle of a conversation and his phone would die and he wouldn't even call me back until the next NIGHT. I just think that is very inconsiderate and a little rude to be truthful. Then another night shortly after that I called him around 11pm and he never even called me back until the next night again. He said he's not a phone person and doesn't think he's doing anything wrong bc he just stayed home all day and worked on things about the house. He said he is just used to being alone and I cannot try to change him. I said I understand and I am used to being alone too but you are with me now and have my feelings to consider. Last night we went to a winery and he started talking about how he was looking online at houses in northern florida hours away (we both live in south florida). he was talking about the great deals they have up there versus here and how he doesn't want to stay in south florida forever (which i already knew). I said to him "can i ask you a question" and said "do u ever consider me when you talk about your future because I don't seem to be included in any of your plans". he told me that i am rushing him and i need to stop and he felt it when we had the whole "i love u" talk and now he is feeling it again. I told him its been almost 7 months and i have every right to know what the future has in store for me and him to know if i am wasting my time or not. he made us leave the winery and then dead silence on the ride home until i said to him "are you going to ignore me all weekend". he said "we aren't even going to make it a weekend bc i'm going to ask you to leave tomorrow morning when we wake up". i left that night but before that asked him if we could talk and try to fix this and work it out and he said he just wanted me to leave. that was last night and i haven't heard from him all day. i don't know what to do. i feel he has major commitment issues and is very content with us living an hour apart and just seeing eachother a couple days a week. i feel if you love someone you think about a future with them. am i wrong? also some background on him, his mom died a couple years ago and they were close. she was a drug addict and he grew up around drugs and saw many ppl dying. i know that probably has a lot to do with how he is but he tells me all the time i'm the best gf he's ever had a blah blah. he also is 36 and has mostly dated young girls around 22-23. i feel maybe its because girls that age dont want to commit. any advice would be much appreciated. i want to save this relationship but feel like he just doesn't really care as much as i do.

 

It's not really that he doesn't see a future yet that's bothering me, it's his lack of emotional maturity. Not a word and asking you to leave? I'd leave alright, for good.

 

Don't take his mother's passing as an excuse for his poor attitude.