Observation on BU

[Coping Vortex]

I have thought about, and analyzed my break up on so many levels and there are so many reasons for hurting in a BU. The loss of a physical love, the loss of a friend and confidant, the loss of security, the loss of an outlet etc.

 

I tried to see the hurt that is caused from the loss of these things, but I also hit upon the idea that the hurt is also represents one of the most stinging thing of all. Its a selfish act. Plain and simple. To me that is 50% of the hurt I feel in my BU.

 

So much was done for each other in a relationship. You have a love bond and you are both there for each other for everything. But in a BU the dumper is only doing something for themselves. The most selfish act of all. Not only is this for themselves, it a direct hurt to the dumpee. It represents a purely and selfish act after so much time of selfless acts done for each other during the relationship. It represents the ultimate betrayal of trust and security. Especially if the dumper has moved onto another. I truly feel that is the core of the hurt in a BU.

 

We spent so much time in our relationship backing each other up, being there for each other dropping what we were doing a to be there physically and emotionally. I spent so much time trying to shore up my ex when she suffered low self esteem from the damage her ex husband did to her from verbally abusing her and always putting her down in their marriage. I had to convince her over and over again what an amazing woman she really is. I also had to pick up the pieces for her with her bad relationship with her mother, and help explain that her mother did indeed have bi polar issues and it wasn't her being a bad daughter. I always was her sounding board and gave her advice on family, money friends work etc.

 

I hate sound like I am taking credit for changing her life but she herself told me that I did indeed change her life for the better. I praised her over and over when her self esteem was down. I made sure I was there for her whenever she needed me. And she responded in kind. She gave up trying to be there for her ex husband but found new enthusiasm in our relationship to give of herself to me. She emerged sexually as well. Her ex was very conservative in bed and she had many sexual fetishes which her husband put her down for. That was a blow to her self esteem as well. It made her feel like a freak. I was all to happy to let her explore sexually with me. She told me it opened up her world and gave her confidence in bed.

 

So many selfless acts were done in the relationship all to be undone by one huge selfish act.

 

I feel like all I did was help a woman get her confidence back, just to give her over to someone else.

 

I am crushed. I hope she at least appreciates what we meant to each other and what I did for her.

[CarrieT]

Every relationship changes people to some extent; some for better and some for ill - that is the nature of life - to have one's existence by involvement with another.

 

Sorry, nothing new here.